My 21st birthday's coming up in a few days. I was actually hoping I could catch a flight out today to go back to UK, but as it turns out.. I'm still here. All tickets ranging from Brunei, Singapore and Malaysia to UK are booked up solid. Any other alternatives are just too expensive because it'd mean buying a whole new ticket to go back, so rather than let anyone else suffer any pain in paying for that, I'm going to stick around.

Last week a fantastic friend took me out for an early birthday lunch, he bought me roses, paid for lunch and we went for a foot massage, then ice cream at Swenson's. The only downside for his part was I brought along a friend, who probably got pampered as much as I did.. right Hanif? haha. But yes, I enjoyed my day even though I got my bad foot touched and pressed by a masseuse woman who seemed to have a fondness in watching me wince in pain.

The first week I spent back was not too bad, I really didn't have any intention of staying in Brunei that long so I didn't plan much out in terms of how I was going to spend my 'week back in Brunei'. I've been back for three Mondays now - and since I'm not doing any sports, you can bet my weight has probably shifted to a higher margin. ha.

My second week though was horrible. I spent the first Sunday confessing all my sins, got duped by someone through sms, got lied to.. all these things happening at once. It felt like the walls were finally going to cave me in for the bad things I've done. I don't regret what I've done though (i'm going to be as vague as possible because it isn't a story i'd like anyone to tell) but I'm sure someone else does.

So anyway. My hair's been cut, dyed and it looks like a mess. I'm in fact, blonde-ish. I don't know. The boys insist its a "nutty" colour, god knows what that means and how gay they are for saying it, but seriously, it looks like my roots are actually the nutty colour and that I'm growing out my dark hair because the roots are blonde-ish and the ends are dark. hahahahaha so okay, you'll see it when I get back. The curls are partly gone because my hair's gotten so short. I can't tie it up properly because some parts are longer than the other. My hair is suppose to keep for another 3 months, so we'll see.

okay. I'm done updating.

I don't hurt so bad anymore.

love,
yx

There's so many things I'd like to say - so many I wish I could say. I don't like feeling the way I do now - not because I've started the motion of feeling sad - it's the idea that I feel pathetic. I always believed that people shouldn't show that they are weak - hence the reason why I don't blog when I'm feeling down.

Today, I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. I feel alone. I don't like being back in Brunei, but at least I'm back and I'm with my parents. I'm barely talking to my bestfriends, I don't hang out at cafes. I just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm blogging.

I give up. I accept life as it is and I hope no one bothers me and my thoughts anymore.

aku terima.

now can you take this fucking pain away?