So the weekend has started and what have I been up to? I spent my Saturday at the Berakas Forest Reserve and it's hard to believe that I've never been there before. It's a beautiful place and I'm totally grateful to whoever suggested the place :-) The food was great, drinks were endless and the company, well.. they were a fantastic bunch.

At the end of that, I loudly (haha) announced that I am stepping down as of that very Saturday and that Azizul Omar is now the acting chair of LSU Brunei Society. My involvement with the society has been plenty but it wouldn't have been anything if it weren't for the founding committee and also the current committee. So thanks everyone who supported and followed through with my ideas, my thoughts and the way I run things - so thank you, each and every one of you, for putting up with me.

I suppose with all of this.. and at the end of this, I'm in need of a job. Haha. Ladies and gents, I've graduated from Loughborough University with a degree in Mathematics, Accounting and Financial Management with honours. I messed up a few of my last papers but alhamdulillah, things pulled through and I've passed. So, those of you with job openings or in need of a public speaker... haha. I'm here, I'm available.

There's some stuff happening with me that I can talk about yet because I'm scared I might jinx it. Anyway.

So what's new?

I've an in-house guest living with us at Batu Ampar. Mike, one of Fol's classmates from Birmingham, is staying with us until the first week of September and I've taken him to most of the sights in Brunei but we haven't driven down to KB or taken a boat ride to Temburong. I'm flying off to Singapore and KL next week. Singapore for a sort of graduation ceremony from Loughborough University since I skipped my real graduation in UK. Yup, all for a robe, a hat and a cert :)

love,
y

Sometimes outcomes in our lives aren't favourable. It's like having a bad day and it continuing out through the hours. There isn't a gadget that could turn back time so the best you can do with yourself is just work with it and hope things pull though. My days have been long and sometimes I think about what if's. Like what if this had happened instead of that, or what if that didn't happened - what would happen to me then?


In a way, I'm relieved that I'm done with university because Loughborough had too much drama - and I was roped into it. I think too many tears, lies and deceit happened. It got up to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and me ending up begging to my mum to let me come home for Easter.


I got too sensitive this year, everything seemed to get to me especially by those I thought wouldn't hurt me. It's always the least suspecting ones who end up hurting you worse. In the end, I saw true colours. I found out who would have stuck by me through thick and thin, and I found out how assumptions can bring the bad out of others. I think I took too many people for granted and I thought they would always be there for me.


My God, how badly could I have strayed off my path? I was there for all of them when they took their first rounds in, I was part of the group that took a step forward to introduce ourselves.. and look what's it become. You shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you. I feel mauled. Attacked - and even worse, I felt hurt.


I repeat, I got to sensitive this year. I got effected by everything. A complaint. A cry. A hint of sadness. I let it all get to me. I regret getting close to those I shouldn't have and I regret letting things go the way they have. So where do I go now?


I listen. I watched as things unravel. I finally saw what everyone actually thought of me. I would have thought differently but hey, what's a whole group got against me? Sure. We all say sorry in the end, but the damage's done. Who can re-build a building that's collapse with its remains? I don't think you can. One day you'll read this but you won't say a thing - maybe it's guilt or maybe it's because you just feel nothing. I never thought I'd ever see the day when that hidden hate for me finally surfaces and I'm the one who has to suffer all the blows.


I hope, in a way, all of you will find what you are looking for. I'm sorry for the trouble, the worry, the hurt I have caused. I really should stop caring about you because I feel like a pawn being pushed backwards and forwards just to ensure your happiness and you keep saying that you're the only one who's feeling the pull. Believe me, you're not the only one.


oh Loughborough, how you've unhinged me.