photo taken by taufiq yusop.

Okay. Sudah tah inda cukup tidur for the past three weeks. Lapas atu, spend one weekend main netball for dua hari in a row. Saturday bangun at 5am, jalan by 6 for a two hour drive to Manchester -- banyak mishaps, horrible playing on my part (jadi WA, WD, C, GA, hahaha) and I was playing for BruManch and a series of unfortunate events (i.e. timing on the organizer's part), came 4th in the Malaysian Manchester Games. Tapi, ani bukan everything. Nope.

Esoknya, bangun by 7am and by 8am, drove an hour to Birmingham to ambil Peko who was staying at Tony's. Lapas atu, another hour drive ke Warwick Uni di Coventry to take part in the Malaysian Warwick Games. Again, a series of unfortunate events (aku main GA wah the whole day. Me! Shooter!) haha tapi it was nice because it's been ages since I played GA and forgot how much I loved the position more than I love being center. Old memories come flooding back :) Anyway, again kami dpt 4th place. Bad luck habis lah. Taufiq took photos yang lawa berabis :-) My hair has never looked so good. Haha!

Two weeks and 2 days til the Malaysian Sheffield games and three weeks+ til the BruNotts Easter Games.

Up to then. Seriously lah yas. Kau mesti rehat.

Gila.

Damam wah. Demam!

-y

IMG_5396, originally uploaded by yus289.

We came 2nd in the BruLeeds Mini Tournament. I played and captained as part of LufBru Shuffle. We lost just one game out of five against LufBru Remix. It was a shame that lost (final score was 6-3) -- but no regrets because we had fun all in all and it was against lufbru :p. I now have burn marks on each knee and more pain that I thought I would experience for the day.

i miss you.

She probably could have handled the situation better. She wished she didn't open up so much because it'll only let people in closer. Those that used to surround her always disappointed her, they're let downs but she knew that. She lived and breathed among them -- if anyone knew discontentment, it was her. She knew that none of the things that made her happy will last. Happiness is just a phase. Eventually it will die, and she'll go back to being that manic depressic she was once before. You don't know her.

Regrets fill up her mind. It quickly fills her up like water flowing into a cup. It floods her tear ducts and small drops begin to fall at the edge of her eyes. She weeps to no one. Her loveliness had begin to fade over time, the strain in her heart was begining to show. Soon enough, she'll look like she never was. She hates being this way. She hates being unable to control what is happening around her. Why did everyone else have to look so goddamn happy?

Stay strong. Stay with us.

Stay strong. Stay with us.

Stay with us.

The voices in her head begin to chant. She must stay strong. She reminds herself of words she grew up with: crying is for the weak, tears must never be shown. Oh, she must be very weak. She bites into her arm to slow down the wails coming out of her throat. "Don't listen. Don't listen," she begs quietly to the unopened door. Her tears burn her cheeks, reddning them witm with absolute sadness. Things didn't need to turn out this way.

She needs to find somewhere to get out of this rut but you don't need to save her.

It's already too late.

She bites her tongue. She wishes she could push all these thoughts into the back of her mind. They're not helping her, no one can can help her. There's no one she can talk to, no one she can turn to without betraying her feelings. Maybe if she doesn't say it out loud, it wouldn't be true. Maybe if it just stays in her, it'll go away.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Her thoughts are getting louder in her head, she wants to scream. Her head spins and she falls back into her seat. She wonders what he would think of her if she told him all this. He doesn't know. He shouldn't know. Nothing she can say will ever turn back time or fix all the mistakes she's made. If only he'd talk to her, he'd know. It'll all go back to the way it was those years ago. She never thought she'd ever be without him, but here she is, years on, without him.

He's twiddling with his thumbs across the room and looks across towards her. Yet it looks like he doesn't even see her. She misses him. He knows that. He can see it in her eyes. Why does she always look like she's about to cry? He hates that he can't help her anymore, she made her choice.

In the other corner, she wishes the darkness would just eat her so she could disappear. Her train of thought carries on, dragging her along with it. She stood by him through thick and thin. He thought he knew her well enough to think that she would not leave him for anything. He was wrong. She stopped calling. She simply disappeared from his life, she had to. He never had to look for her before. There was a gap in his life that she always managed to fill. It's empty now. Where is she?

He never questioned her abandonment. He never asked. Somehow everything just managed to slip away. One phone call would have been all it took. She loved him, he knew that. She would have done anything for him. Stubborn as he was, he thought she'd come back. She always did. Her toys never lasted. Their friendship was more than just play -- it had a lot of build up over time. Nothing like the fickle toys she played with. That was them. This was him and her. Why isn't she back yet? She fell and didn't get up. It's been four years. She had to give him up while she was down there. How long will she stay down?

Will he ever know?

Cupcakes by the lazy. :)

I haven't posted lyrics in a while.. possibly in the past year or so. So here's a song I'd just like to share so I don't think too much.

love,
y.xx

******

"I've been walking around all day, thinking.
I think I have a problem, I think I think too much.
I've been taught to hold back my tears, and avoid them..
but you make pain into something I could touch.

I've been walking around all day, laughing.
I think I'd be better off without you here.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that's okay. Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile. I am hopeless.
I'm not perfect. But I am free.

I've been walking around all day, waiting and waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it, but this time I'll just have to.
Yeah this time i'll just have to.

Say you're not around, am I finished?
f you're not around, that's too bad.
Hope you're safe and sound, not alone now..
Cause you know I believe in you.

Cause I am fragile, hopeless.. I'm not perfect, But I am free.

Untill the end." - Fragile by Maria Mena.

Tagged stuff.

1. Link to the person that tagged you. (Izzati~!)
   
2. Post the rules in your blog.
3. Share 6 important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Reply to me when you’re finish.

ONE: I love everyone and everything too easily. This makes me vulnerable because I care too fast, and I fall too quickly. Some people use this to take advantage of me, and I admit, loving people can sometimes become my weakness. I love with all my heart and I hurt with it too. I am too familiar with the quote from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7;

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

TWO: I am an avid reader. I have too many story books and too little time to read them all. When I like an author, I tend to sway into reading more of the books they've written. I have every book that Jodi Picoult has ever written, but only the Golden Age time periods (pre and post)of Phillipa Gregory.

THREE: I hate what people assume about me especially if they've never met/spoken to me before. I hate what the people that have met/spoken to me assume about me especially if they don't know me at all. I can be nice, but I can hate too. That, and I'm not foreign to people hating me either.

FOUR: People have their obsessions. I have mine but I do not push to extremes as to talk about them all the time -- unless of course, it just happens to come up. I love Justin & George Nozuka, no doubt about it because whatever song they're singing, I'll like it. They sound similar but are in different music genres. But yes, they are awesome.

FIVE: I like to think that in actuality, that I am tiny. I am small. I am insignificant compared to those who surround me. But I suppose in Bruneian terms, I'm not that tall -- but I'm not your averaged sized girl either.

SIX: Instant stuff is a rarity for me to eat -- only during extreme laziness and when the cupboard is lacking in substance do I resort to eating my instant noodles. This instance happened today by the way. Twice. I had two packets of instant fried noodles in the morning and instant noodle soup in the evening. I am going to be unwell.

Who am I tagging?
ades, hafie, shuv, fets and peko.

DSC02203, originally uploaded by unangelic.

It snowed during my visit in Manchester. At one point the wind stopped blowing and it fell so slowly -- it felt like time slowed down just to let the snow catch up. My weekends seem to be full of netball & socials for the month.

I've got a week and a half off starting this Thursday and coursework due in the following week (two essays!) and an exam on Friday on Ethical, Legal and Professional Issues of IT.

So the month plan:
6th - 8th Feb : Weekend roadtrip with Syer, Lina and Fil to Canterbury, Kent.
14th Feb : Valentine's day. BruLeed's Invitational Tournament -- I'll be playing netball.
18th Feb : LufBru elections. I am dead curious as to who will be running for the committee :)
20th - 22nd Feb : Weekend with Adeline and also the Malaysian Manchester Games -- again, netball as part of the BruManch team.
28th Feb : LufBru's National Day celebration?

To those of you who haven't seen my hair yet: I have gone pink and as of yesterday, under the skilled hands of Michele Yap, my hair is now streaks of red, pink, and brown. Hahaha. I've been spending my weekend in Manchester -- visiting my friend of almost 6 years, Adeline Ng. We spent my first evening eating at an Indian Restaurant and discovered that we both love butter chicken. Well, this was after she was half-way through of getting over the shock of my hair. I think she found it hard to believe that it was real :-) We spent the evening giggling with one of her housemates, Michele -- of the others, they remained unseen through the weekend.

I woke up during my usual hour (i.e. 730am) on Saturday morning, showered & dressed while Ades slept on, waking up every half hour to ask what time it was before slumbering back into her sleep. When she finally woke up, it was 11past and her way of communication to someone who was two doors down was via sms. Unbelievable lah these two.

The city, as it always should be, was bursting with crowds. We had lunch at China town's Wasabi before heading towards the main agenda of the day: the endless Armageddon of shopping. I didn't shop, per say, all I bought was a magazine I thought Fol would like and Benefit's That Gal primer (I ran out on Thursday so it was an emergency!) . I went over budget by about £25, most likely due to the primer and the magazine. I budgeted £50 for this weekend, because going to cities are always expensive. I spent over £100 when I spent the weekend in Rochdale (about 30minutes from Manchester!) with Fetty -- okay, almost half was for a dress that I absolutely had to have and the rest was for food + movies + good time with Fets. Hehehe :D But anyway, I was good this weekend because I didn't spend too much more than I had intended and just had to endure the torture and pleasure of wishful thinking while we were browsing through the many boutiques in Manchester.

So other than watch the girls shop, I browsed through Zara and French Connection. I did find a pair of flats I liked but didn't really need. Well, if we want to get technical, I actually don't have any shoes to go with the oh-so-many dresses I've purchased in the last few months. They're all at home in Brunei! lol. So I do need shoes. Oh decision decisions. I made dinner for Ades, fried salmon with pasta and cheese sauce. Basic stuff and yet, still cheaper than us eating out.

The evening ended with a box of dye (brown no less), lots of foundation and make up plus, fits of giggles of the things we said. Yes, this is how I spent my fourth year anniversary without my boyfriend :-)

It's 11am on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning and I'm listening to Ades sleep.. She's taking me to BruManch's netball session in the afternoon and after that I'll be headed back to Loughborough. I can't wait because Fol's sent me somehing. and it's waiting for me to come home. Ha. :-D

lots of love & snores,
yasmin.
x