I think that's the word that can explain how I feel right now. I am tired. I have a headache. My nose is runny. My eyes are blurry. My body doesn't hurt and I guess that means I didn't work out as much as I would have wanted to. I'd drag my ass to the swimming pool but with a headache and runny nose, I don't think that's much of a good idea. I am breaking out on my skin. I'm all blotchy and red everywhere. I have bruises on my legs and places I really ought to not talk about. I am complaining. This is a complaint.
I am sick of my life right now. I am sick of working so hard. I am sick of missing out on things I wish I could do. I am sick of being broke and I blame myself for being unable to control my freaking finances.
Anyway.
My classes have all officially ended well before the Easter break had begun. I spent my Easter visiting my sister and hanging out with my friends. That, at the time, hadn't been productive because there were days when we'd just sleep in all the way to 4pm only to go to bed about six hours later. Though I think those were the days I enjoyed the most -- where I didn't have to think about anything. I just could do nothing and still have fun. At the end of Easter, that's when all the engines had to start running. That's when gears had to start churning, fingers crossed and loads of praying to God to help me get through this part of my life without a hitch. My first semester results had come out back in March and they were pleasing but who am I to predict how well I did in my second semester?
I suppose I ought to start thinking about my future and where I ought to go, what I ought to do and what is to become of me. I've avoided it for most of the four years I've been here. And I am being constantly pressurized to come home. If I'm honest, I'm not ready to go back. Not for a while. I like my life here. I like how no one has any control over what I do and I get to make my own decisions. What I don't like about being home is all the responsibility of being the "right" person.
What I mean by that.. please don't take it as a negative thing. It's just that back home there's an expectancy of who you're suppose to be, of what you're suppose to be. I don't know if I can live up to these expectations. I don't know if I want to live to these expectations. I don't need to do that here. I take pride in the fact that I am what I am, and not who others expect me to be.
I don't mean to feel this way but with his constant baggering about telling me to come home, that I should be at home with him.. it's just not positively effecting me very well. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of not being supported in the things I'd like to do. I don't like the idea of doing something just because someone tells me to. In fact, I do most of the things I do out of choice. I tend to stop when someone actually tells me to do something, even if I'm in the middle of doing it.
I know. I'm weird.
talk later.
-y
I am sick of my life right now. I am sick of working so hard. I am sick of missing out on things I wish I could do. I am sick of being broke and I blame myself for being unable to control my freaking finances.
Anyway.
My classes have all officially ended well before the Easter break had begun. I spent my Easter visiting my sister and hanging out with my friends. That, at the time, hadn't been productive because there were days when we'd just sleep in all the way to 4pm only to go to bed about six hours later. Though I think those were the days I enjoyed the most -- where I didn't have to think about anything. I just could do nothing and still have fun. At the end of Easter, that's when all the engines had to start running. That's when gears had to start churning, fingers crossed and loads of praying to God to help me get through this part of my life without a hitch. My first semester results had come out back in March and they were pleasing but who am I to predict how well I did in my second semester?
I suppose I ought to start thinking about my future and where I ought to go, what I ought to do and what is to become of me. I've avoided it for most of the four years I've been here. And I am being constantly pressurized to come home. If I'm honest, I'm not ready to go back. Not for a while. I like my life here. I like how no one has any control over what I do and I get to make my own decisions. What I don't like about being home is all the responsibility of being the "right" person.
What I mean by that.. please don't take it as a negative thing. It's just that back home there's an expectancy of who you're suppose to be, of what you're suppose to be. I don't know if I can live up to these expectations. I don't know if I want to live to these expectations. I don't need to do that here. I take pride in the fact that I am what I am, and not who others expect me to be.
I don't mean to feel this way but with his constant baggering about telling me to come home, that I should be at home with him.. it's just not positively effecting me very well. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of not being supported in the things I'd like to do. I don't like the idea of doing something just because someone tells me to. In fact, I do most of the things I do out of choice. I tend to stop when someone actually tells me to do something, even if I'm in the middle of doing it.
I know. I'm weird.
talk later.
-y