Reunion.

I fell in love again last night, more so than ever. I went to my primary school reunion, it went great. I picked up one of my friends at the mall, and we went together because, honestly, I was nervous.

I felt edgy about seeing the people I haven't spoken to/seen/heard from for over six years. I felt scared once again renewing old friendships and hardships. Everyone must have gone down through memory lane last night. I even saw my first crush, but that was years ago.. And I cannot believe I still remember. The people missing were my oldest best friends, which sucked because I was looking forward in seeing them again. Unfortunately they couldn't make it so it's alright. I did however, got to sit with my old peers, the buddies I used to fool around with by the gym and did stupid dares with.

The reunion was great. Although I missed seeing Zunnur because he's in Australia, Filah who just didn't make it :( and Fadzillah.. I wanted to see her. Oh well. I met two guys who didn't register in my head, it was quite funny because they insisted that they were once my friends in primary. Almost everyone looks slightly different, most of them just looked like their older versions so you could never forget that cheeky grin or smile they have. Some others, changed completely from clothes to their physique. It's just great seeing old friends again.

p.s. those who didn't come, we wish you did :)

I went to Qudduus's birthday party earlier in the day. I didn't get too tanned because Shahyzul gave me sunblock. Haha. It was a great party, with bowling games, beach volleyball and a huge bouncer... I felt like a kid again, all jumpy and smiling. Thank you Q, for the great day. And HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY! :D I hope you like your birthday present.

There's still a week of holidays left although the government school students have begun their classes today. Pft. Have fun Syai & Jo.. I'll be thinking of you while I park my bum in front of my PC...... hahaha nadalah. To be honest, I want school to start. Because, if it did.. I'd probably start working my ass off and catch up with whatever the hell it was I've missed in my studies due to hospital visits and feeling ill.

I think over the past month I have gotten healthier. I managed to snag a tan while I was in KL because of the athletics. We were made to sit in the blazing hot sun and me forgetting to buy/bring sunblock. The tan made me look like I'm not dying from a sickness as I did when I became pale (due to avoiding the sun and very good moisturizing sunblock ;P). I lost the eyes that look like I'm about to just breakdown crying. Thank god for that because I've been associated with 'the person who looks like she's going to burst'.

Replies;
aeny: hehe corny cheer up lines don't cheer me up..They do make me smile though. Thanks Aeny :D I guess as you grow up, you learn things through living it. That's what I want to do. :)

wans: I hope you get your grades. Who knows, we might end up together.. Yet again XP

Livie: Learning to pull away from the hype helped me a lot.. or else I'd probably be just another zombie laid back in Gadong. Haha. It's all a learning process, you don't really know what's what until you've been through it. I guess I'm trying to see what I really didn't want to see..haha thanks :D

Faten: Getting into a uni with your actual grades is like a confirmed conditional entry because, well.. You've got the grades. haha I'm going to die of curiosity with my grade outcome. hahaha

You can't clap with one hand.

A whole bunch of my hostees are either 1) missing or 2) can't be shit bothered to post. I'm not mean, I can tell you that. But I have my limits. It's either you pull out of uA.org or you just re-assure me that you'll be back up and running soon i.e. I don't mean 6 months from now. Anyway, enough of that. I'm at home right now, did a lot of thinking yesterday when I was in my room. I didn't really think that much when I was in my upstairs bedroom, but sitting in the downstairs room brought in a lot of thoughts.

I've got my doubts about people and doubts about myself. I'm not the person to say where I stand in the world because I probably stand in different places in different perspectives. I'm turning 18 soon, I'm looking forward to becoming that age.. Although I'm not looking forward to the day I turn 18. Does that even make sense? I'm looking forward to being 18, but I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I almost cried during dinner last night because my parents were asking me where I wanted to celebrate it this year. Haha. Thinking about birthday celebrations makes me think of my birthday last year. My friends gathered at our lunch table and brought in a cake, which was really nice of them. I appreciated that a lot, although I wish things were better last year. I remember waking up in the middle of the night on my birthday, crying. Ah, we'll just have to see what happens this year.

I was going to have a birthday party with just me and my close friends. Then again, I'm not so sure. I might just cancel the whole thing because I'd rather be alone this year, I mean.. that's what everyone's been trying to tell me right? I deserve to be alone. Thanks a lot.

I'm so sick of pretending to be okay. I went through the large part of last year just smiling without meaning it. I'm so sick of hearing, "be strong". Bump that, no one can stay strong for so long. The longer you hold it in, the bigger the crack of pain. I guess when I start thinking; I get more and more messed up than ever.

I sat down at dinner last night; memories just flowed in of last year. I suppose I could say that I am deeply disappointed in a number of people in my life, but I'd rather not point fingers. I live and grieve things that happen in the past although many would just say move on and forget. It's not exactly easy. It's just easier said than done. I appreciate people around me, I have reasons why my best friend and I have a very professional friendship and I don't blame others for questioning us. We barely even talk in public, and yet we remain as tight as ever. I can go on not seeing/talking to my best friends for over a month (e.g. like when they're abroad studying) and when we'd meet, it'd be like they were never gone. That's the type of friends I have and keep to last my lifetime. I'm happy with that. It's weird when you have close friends, and if you don't talk to them for about a week.. you have absolutely nothing in common or it feels like something is changed. I guess there are different types of friends. I tried, I have been trying.. There isn't a day when I don't think about how things are.. But luv, you can't clap with one hand. It won't work if the other party won't try and work it too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need things to meet half way, because I can't stretch that far. I have my limits. I've said that many times. I just wish I could sort things out. People change, I know because I have too.

Exams are coming soon. Right now I've narrowed down my university choices, and I've decided not to go to London anymore because the university isn't really offering the course I initially wanted.. I've got plenty of time to retract these thoughts, but for now.. I don't want to go to London. I'm working on improving my AS grades, so far I'm on abbbd. The university I'm aiming for wants AAB+b. My general studies qualification doesn't count because they don't recognize it as a subject, and if they did.. my life would be so much easier. I'm trying to improve on my physics paper (and I did by one grade :D), but I still need another 15 points to get at least a C, although I'm aiming for higher than that. My second choice university offered ABB (provided I get an A in math), which is good because I trust myself to get at least those grades. I just wish myself luck (wish me please).

[added]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 53% Stability 16% Orderliness 63% Empathy 23% Interdependence 56% Intellectual 70% Mystical 70% Artistic 76% Religious 90% Hedonism 10% Materialism 83% Narcissism 83% Adventurousness 50% Work ethic 90% Self absorbed 43% Conflict seeking 70% Need to dominate 70% Romantic 56% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 63% Wealth 70% Dependency 50% Change averse 36% Cautiousness 70% Individuality 70% Sexuality 63% Peter pan complex 23% Physical security 83% Food indulgent 43% Histrionic 76% Paranoia 76% Vanity 90% Hypersensitivity 83% Female cliche 50%

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My trait snapshot: I am; neat freak, organized, worrying, phobic, fears the unknown, irritable, pessimistic, emotionally sensitive, fears chaos, risk averse, fragile, unadventurous, depressed, frequently second guesses self, likes to fit in, does not like to stand out, perfectionist, hard working, does not like to be alone, clingy, dependent, practical, ordinary, cautious, takes precautions, good at saving money, suspicious, heart over mind, busy, altruistic[/added]

Holidays :D

School holidays are back again, for a nice two weeks :) The government schools get ten days holidays, we get sixteen days ;D I'm fooling around with the web cam now, I know I haven't updated on the real things I usually talk about for a while. I don't feel guilty, and I know that the only time I get to post is when I'm alone and lonely.

There are tons of things I wish I could just let out and say to the world. I love talking about how life is at the moment and what I've been doing to withstand any pain I might be facing. However, I can't. Ha. I've become more private over time and my life shouldn't be that publicized.

I'm not sure how much longer uA.org is going to be around, though I have grown quite attached to it because it makes up part of who I am. I'm hoping I'll keep it around long enough until I grow older and who knows, I might expand from just blogging. I've got a few projects lying around in angel13 collecting dust (haha, mirco-dust anyway).

The portal is expanding, and I'm very proud of it. Haha, although some people have broken links i.e. server down, but eh. I'm happy :) thank you to everyone who's on it.