You can't clap with one hand.

A whole bunch of my hostees are either 1) missing or 2) can't be shit bothered to post. I'm not mean, I can tell you that. But I have my limits. It's either you pull out of uA.org or you just re-assure me that you'll be back up and running soon i.e. I don't mean 6 months from now. Anyway, enough of that. I'm at home right now, did a lot of thinking yesterday when I was in my room. I didn't really think that much when I was in my upstairs bedroom, but sitting in the downstairs room brought in a lot of thoughts.

I've got my doubts about people and doubts about myself. I'm not the person to say where I stand in the world because I probably stand in different places in different perspectives. I'm turning 18 soon, I'm looking forward to becoming that age.. Although I'm not looking forward to the day I turn 18. Does that even make sense? I'm looking forward to being 18, but I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I almost cried during dinner last night because my parents were asking me where I wanted to celebrate it this year. Haha. Thinking about birthday celebrations makes me think of my birthday last year. My friends gathered at our lunch table and brought in a cake, which was really nice of them. I appreciated that a lot, although I wish things were better last year. I remember waking up in the middle of the night on my birthday, crying. Ah, we'll just have to see what happens this year.

I was going to have a birthday party with just me and my close friends. Then again, I'm not so sure. I might just cancel the whole thing because I'd rather be alone this year, I mean.. that's what everyone's been trying to tell me right? I deserve to be alone. Thanks a lot.

I'm so sick of pretending to be okay. I went through the large part of last year just smiling without meaning it. I'm so sick of hearing, "be strong". Bump that, no one can stay strong for so long. The longer you hold it in, the bigger the crack of pain. I guess when I start thinking; I get more and more messed up than ever.

I sat down at dinner last night; memories just flowed in of last year. I suppose I could say that I am deeply disappointed in a number of people in my life, but I'd rather not point fingers. I live and grieve things that happen in the past although many would just say move on and forget. It's not exactly easy. It's just easier said than done. I appreciate people around me, I have reasons why my best friend and I have a very professional friendship and I don't blame others for questioning us. We barely even talk in public, and yet we remain as tight as ever. I can go on not seeing/talking to my best friends for over a month (e.g. like when they're abroad studying) and when we'd meet, it'd be like they were never gone. That's the type of friends I have and keep to last my lifetime. I'm happy with that. It's weird when you have close friends, and if you don't talk to them for about a week.. you have absolutely nothing in common or it feels like something is changed. I guess there are different types of friends. I tried, I have been trying.. There isn't a day when I don't think about how things are.. But luv, you can't clap with one hand. It won't work if the other party won't try and work it too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need things to meet half way, because I can't stretch that far. I have my limits. I've said that many times. I just wish I could sort things out. People change, I know because I have too.

Exams are coming soon. Right now I've narrowed down my university choices, and I've decided not to go to London anymore because the university isn't really offering the course I initially wanted.. I've got plenty of time to retract these thoughts, but for now.. I don't want to go to London. I'm working on improving my AS grades, so far I'm on abbbd. The university I'm aiming for wants AAB+b. My general studies qualification doesn't count because they don't recognize it as a subject, and if they did.. my life would be so much easier. I'm trying to improve on my physics paper (and I did by one grade :D), but I still need another 15 points to get at least a C, although I'm aiming for higher than that. My second choice university offered ABB (provided I get an A in math), which is good because I trust myself to get at least those grades. I just wish myself luck (wish me please).

[added]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 53% Stability 16% Orderliness 63% Empathy 23% Interdependence 56% Intellectual 70% Mystical 70% Artistic 76% Religious 90% Hedonism 10% Materialism 83% Narcissism 83% Adventurousness 50% Work ethic 90% Self absorbed 43% Conflict seeking 70% Need to dominate 70% Romantic 56% Avoidant 50% Anti-authority 63% Wealth 70% Dependency 50% Change averse 36% Cautiousness 70% Individuality 70% Sexuality 63% Peter pan complex 23% Physical security 83% Food indulgent 43% Histrionic 76% Paranoia 76% Vanity 90% Hypersensitivity 83% Female cliche 50%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

My trait snapshot: I am; neat freak, organized, worrying, phobic, fears the unknown, irritable, pessimistic, emotionally sensitive, fears chaos, risk averse, fragile, unadventurous, depressed, frequently second guesses self, likes to fit in, does not like to stand out, perfectionist, hard working, does not like to be alone, clingy, dependent, practical, ordinary, cautious, takes precautions, good at saving money, suspicious, heart over mind, busy, altruistic[/added]