Finding me.

Where do you go about when you find yourself lost? What can you do? Sigh. I find myself trying to keep busy every day.. doing things or at least attempting to do them wholeheartedly. Then again, I wish to ask.. why do people do things when their heart isn't in it?

I hate how I'm feeling right now, how I wish it would disappear. Then again, I suppose it's a natural thing to feel. Kasey Chamber's music is depressing me.. the questions in her music fills my thoughts and I wish I could come out and ask them straight out. I feel unworthy. I am not worth my weight.

I managed to get a lot of things off my mind for the past few days, like my worries about school, my past exams, results, friendship, companionship, etc.. I feel somewhat trapped and suffering but I don't want to show that.. sigh. I spent today mostly in the kitchen. I baked cookies, brownies.. and even made some lasagna for my sister and Tiny^tiny. I didn't spend today in front of the pc. I found out at the last minute that my girlfriends were coming over but I didn't mind that because I've been expecting them to come over since Sunday, and today is .. oh glorification.. Wednesday.

You know those people who go away to find themselves? I want to do that. I want to be able to define myself as a person. I want to see what I actually want to see, and wish to see. I want to meet someone who adores me (that might be a little off topic). I suppose being 18 means I don't know the world yet and I'm still growing. I'm young.. god, how I've heard that repeatedly. That I'm still learning.. Maybe I'm filling up my brain with thoughts that are too advance for myself. I'm drowning in my own thoughts.

I feel disorientated. I'm full of emotion. I want to be stubborn but at the same time I want to cry. I hate these feelings that I wish I could be as numb as I once was, or as one of my best friends is. unmerciful and unfeeling. But what can you see in my eyes but pain and sadness? You'd love to see that smile wouldn't you darling? The way I used to smile when I didn't cry or was it really times when I didn't want you to see my unhappiness? It's not like you notice anyway. You're too caught up in your own world, catching yourself before you fall and letting me collapse on to the ground on my own. Why can't you see that I'm sad? You've convinced yourself that I'm content and unravelling. You've left yourself delirious in your own mind.

I wish I could define myself by saying something easily like "hi, I'm yasmin.. and I'm a workaholic". Or like.. "I'm yasmin.. I suffer from depression". I tend to change my mind a lot because I think too much. Sometimes I want people to say that I'm just deliriously happy. Who the fuck believes that shit? I can be happy at times. Give me enough sugar and I'll be happy. I'll bounce around like a mad woman. I guess I do have my moments and the only time I do blog is when I get depressed and need an outlet to get rid of these negative emotions. Whats funny is that most of what I've typed never really get posted until I absentmindedly click on "post & publish". Half the time I re-read my entries and delete them because they're actually too personal and not for the world to see. BUT then again, whats the point in having a blog if you don't want people to read it?

Yes, I do want people to read my site. I do think too much, and when I'm not thinking about time and matter.. That's when I actually don't have time to gather my depressive and pessimistic thoughts. Those are probably times when I'm happy.. content.. I blog when I have too much time in my hands, and this is what you're seeing. I have too much time in my hands that I'm gathering my submissive thoughts, my idle hands are finally typing away..

yasmin.
xx