I've been sick for almost a week now, I probably don't have enough energy to run around and be happy.. but whatever, the week's almost over. I'm suppose to be in London, and I'm suppose to be with mons and et cetera in London. But no, I'm in Loughborough, nursing a sickness.. Probably due to a heartbreak from watching my boyfriend leave the UK. Eeee..

Anyway, I haven't updated my deviantArt or my other journals. My good news today is that I'm the new treasurer for the Malaysian society in Loughborough, and before anyone goes lashing on me about being in a "Bruneian" society.. well, that by itself is a problem..because there isn't one.

I think I need Archie comics. You wouldn't believe the amount of books I've read through while living here. I spend about £20-£30 per visit to the book store.. o.o and it's not a wonder why I'm so broke. Well, I'm trying not to spend anything until allowance day comes around..which isn't long. But other than that, I'm going to try and not to spend much except on food for the next few months. The amount of shopping I did while my boyfriend was here is enough to last me for the rest of the acedemic year.

Sunday, 2/26/2006.
It's like I died or something on deviant. huu.. Right now, I can't think of anything better but finding a way to nurse my aching head. I fell asleep for about an hour, but now I can't seem to fall asleep again. I might wander around to the new Sports Hall to check out the guys playing basketball, maybe even force myself in and play with them.. anything to get over these stupid insecurities I'm feeling.

Thinking is healthy, but thinking too much might kill you right? Right. I know for a fact I cry a lot, a heck lot, a hell lot. I think of something, and my tears start swelling up.. and there come's a tear. I made porridge, don't know if I'll eat it.. my head is still spinning.. Sometimes when I'm walking I'm having a hard time breathing. Sometimes I think I'm still sick because I'm sad, and because I'm sad.. I'm weak. Weakness leads to sickness. How very true.

Sometimes I blame myself for not wanting to be happy; it's not that I ccan't be happy.. it's that I don't want to feel happy. I'm perfectly capable of being happy but i'd rather not feel it. Is that weird? Totally. I argue with myself sometimes with these thoughts I go through.. often ending up with defeat and just more tears shedding down the cheeks. Never blood though, that just simply doesn't happen.. and won't happen again.

I wish the weeks would go on quickly. Time seems to drag on, and I feel lonely. I feel alone here in my room. I don't exactly have 'that' many friends, not that I'm actually trying. I don't know. UK is cold, weary.. tiring. I bore myself out too easily and life's meaning here doesn't extend any further than studying, books and sports.

Food has passed through my lips, and my jaw feels unbearably tight.. I could cry all over again if I wanted to, but trying to hold back tears is a task on its own. I did try not to cry when I watched him go into the departure hall, it was so hard that I had to turn away; making it worse when I realised I didn't watch him at all. The crying isn't so bad, its that sinking feeling of being alone seeping in. But he says we're going to be okay, and I'm going to believe him.

Four weeks until our one month Easter break, I still cannot decide what I'm going to do other than cry and curse. I wish I could go home. I really really really do. I hate being here. I hate feeling alone and not having my best/boyfriend to confide in. I wish I wasn't so far away from home, and I wish and pray that time will pass quicky so I can just be home, be idle.. and just get away from this so-called 'best time of my life' university living.

Since my babe's has gone back home, I'm back into my daily grind..back to life as it were: writing letters, emails, playing sports (if any), studying, learning. It's always hard to be away from someone you care about, I always find it hard not to miss my parents.. so I don't think about it. I talk to them like I'm still back in Brunei, like nothings wrong.. like I'm always there. My two week stay back home during Christmas was like a dream and it passed on so quickly like a blink of an eye. I love being around my family and him, I love being home.. even though I'm not always around to see much of my parents, the point is.. at the end of the day, I go home to sleep in house where my family is.

I've only been back for two hours from London, my train took 3hours to get to Loughborough. Thank god for my boyfriend's brother for sending me to to St. Pancreas. I think I'm more confident and comfortable moving around London with all the quick tours he gave me. God how four weeks fly. Whatever whatever.

Anyway, I'll be in London next Friday. I will find out the details on what time soon.

that's it for today.
i'm off to bed.

love,
yasmin

I have decided that.. I will not spend so much cash when I'm pissed off (usually at that one particular person) but instead drown my sorrows by eating a banana. I have also decided that from now on, I must manipulate Moanna's mind into wearing pink.. and myself.. except I know when i wear pink I'm a bit extreme and I kill the feminity of it all.. hahaha. I need help of course *nudge bondy* :-)

THURSDAY. In just a few days, I will have no one to hang out with after class, and no one to hear me bitch when I'm annoyed with one of my classmates. Eeeee.. how lonely life must be once the loved ones leave. :-( God, I might cry just thinking about it. Thank god for telephones and internet. OH and the post man iloveyou.

I have been in London every weekend for 2 weeks in a row now. This weekend will be the 3rd, and next weekend, will be the 4th. Moans, wanna just share a room at BH? I know you wanna stay with your sis :-( but I'm selfish and want you to share a room with me instead and besides, kaz, won't mind. She'll sarcastically say "yes, go spend your time with yasmin". HEHEHE :-D I haven't decided when I'm going to go back to Lboro.. maybe sunday? What time does the event finish anyway? I won't be arriving in London til about 8 or 930pm anyway :-S because my last class finishes at 6. huuu..

We watched Liverpool v. Arsenal at Riley's on Tuesday. 1-0. HA. The scorer Garcia is t3h h0tn3$$. gorgeous + money = hotdamn. :-) Yes, that is how I spent Valentine's day, other than crying and getting a lovely rose and a OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGGG tripod stand from my babes :-D I got the rose and cried, saw the tripod and cried. I'm so lame o.o gila panic boyfriend ku kali meliat.

My babes and myself met up with Koko Pheng last night and his girlfriend, Liza in Nottingham. She's nice and always easily amused. Hehehe I haven't heard so much laughter in ages. :-) We had dinner at a chinese restaurant, and just talked about life, old days and things happening in Brunei. lol. I had a great time ;-D Thanks ko. Wuvvv you. xoxoxoxxx

Oh. I would also like to state that I cry too much. I think everyone in Loughborough (the Bruneians anyway) have seen me cry. Please. I'm not that scary. Just a tiny bit. Mons has seen me cry. :-( I'm gonna cry again on Sunday when he leaves.

love,
yasmin.
xx

Missed out on another sunday, whoops. I still haven't goetten around to adding the hosted links.. and I'm suppose to get up an ftp account for a new hostee but I still haven't gotten around to that. I think I might just be pissed off a little but, but I'll probably get over it in a few minutes. Three lectures in a row (math lectures at that) is enough to drive someone mad because it gave me too much time to think.

oh screw it all.

spring term; nothing new.

Semester two has started and with me running around like a headless chicken because I over slept (probably because my train only arrived in Loughborough past midnight and I found myself restless until 2:00A). I learnt that a large number of lboro students took up most of the seating in the train I was on, which was funny because I underestimated it. Hehe. There was a huge rush to get a taxi cab because there were so many of us. I was actually the first in the queue but this girl cut me off. :-
I spent the weekend in London, watched the Lion King play at the Lyceum theatre.. a huge credit to my babe's for taking me and his cousins there :-) I love you. I didn't bring my camera so I ended up abusing his, I took some photos, but I'm not sure if they're up to the standard I wanted them to be. The play was extraordinary and it's really nice to watch those big shows every now and then compared to the school plays I've watched in Brunei. Not that the plays by my sister's group wasn't good, they are.. and always will be because of the teacher and students there.

Well, after my last math test I realised that I still had coursework due in for the weekend..so I stayed up until the early hours of morning doing the computer based test on that very friday night. All of that, only to wake up as early as 8:00A to get ready for my netball practice in Nottingham. I saw Wani there and I wished her a belated birthday. :-) My playing was shit, and I'm not kidding. The Easter games just over a month away and I'm yet to meet/play with my partners in the D zone.

My uni day is over for the day, thank god. I'm exhausted because of the lack of sleep and ohhh..Just too many thoughts going around my head. I thought about getting Liverpool tickets as a present for my babe on valentine's day.. But pooh, they're too expensive. A staggering £152 a pop. Not including tax. Nyah. :-S Other than that, I haven't a clue what to get him. Dinner sounds so expected and cliche.

Monday and Tuesday's exam went off smoothly, I just hope I didn't confuse the examinor as much as I confused myself. I hate it when I'm sitting down and I read a question .. and all of a sudden, a flood of ideas and thoughts come into mind..and you just don't have time to jot everything down.

My timetable for this whole week seems open and free. Once week 2 starts, I'll be busy..and I'm going to find it hard to have time for most things I think. I'm trying not to be sluggish in class and promised *crosses fingers* myself that I'd do my coursework on a better pace of time i.e. finish earlier than the due date rather than finishing up on the day it's due.

that's it for today.

love,
yasmin.
xx