Quick update!

DSC01457 - Copy (2), originally uploaded by unangelic.

Things that have happened to me so far:

- Finally seeing true colors.
- Turned my back on a few things.
- Sayang's in UK :)
- Went to NY for a week and met up with my old neighbours minus one (and minus my sister!)
- Got annoyed that my sister went back to Brunei after much convincing to my mother. didn't bloody work.
- I'm broke and don't have a dime to spend.
- I hate london but I'll be here for as long as Fol wants to be here.
- The mass load of coursework I have is hurting my head.
- I miss my laptop.

She didn't sleep well last night, her body is aching. It's bed time now, she ought to be sleeping. That unavoidable urge to write strikes her and she racily types away on her laptop. He promised her happiness, a life away from sadness -- yes, these promises were fulfilled and yet, she dwells on what could have been instead of what has already happened. She knows deep down that nothing will ever change from what it is now, she doesn't understand why. Nothing will be the same and yet, she's suppose to act like nothing has changed.

Drama isn't even enough to describe it -- these events as they happen feel like a domino effect and God, how outnumbered she was against the rest of them. It's too late to do anything about it now. She shouldn't have promised so much, she needn't believed in them so much. Now, its too late. Cause-and-effect: chaos is inevitable.

Music plays in the background: words blaring out desribing exactly everything she felt at that precise moment. She slowly chokes on her own words, unable to tell him what she was feeling because regardless of how many times they replay their conversation, it ends with him telling her that she was pushy, that she pushed her friends to the edge -- giving them more reasons to avoid her. It hurts, it really does but he doesn't understand that. He tries to reason with her when he sees tears flowing free from the edges of her dark eyes, but how can she tell him now? It overwhelms her. Why can't she live life alone? It's because that isn't her and it never will be no matter how hard he's tried to instill these values into her already fragile heart.

Her head spins. Maybe tomorrow her world will finally stop.

Merry Christmas.

No one can say I don't deserve a pampering from my boyfriend once in a while.. :)

So softly, she awakes and shivers against the sudden cold surrounding her. Quietly smiling to herself, "he's finally here" she says to herself. Those empty months she spent confused and unknowingly shutting herself out from the world -- and unwanting to know what was really going on in her mind and those outside of her, all of that was finally taking a turn on her.

She breaks down and starts crying. A hand brushes her face, telling her that everything will be okay now. Nothing should ever hurt her again, not while she's got an arm holding her head up, unwilling to let it fall.

She sits back, glares at the world for putting her into such difficulties. Her head throbs, the pain subduing her. She lets the pain wash over her quickly before getting back to her work. She wonders what they are doing now, and she wonders if they are thinking of her. She knows her mind needn't wander that direction. They were clearly determined to shut her out, what is there left for her to say?

All that she can do now is smile every time they make a miscalculation and once again, whisper her name. From there, she'll know that she'll have won that fragment of a battle.

Today she woke up and prayed that things would get better. The rain kept pouring down from the night before, and it didn't show any signs of letting up. She argued with herself -- should she stay home or vigilantly wander her way through to class? She kept looking at her watch, she was going to be late but it didn't matter. No one ever came as early as she did anyway, as early as she has been for the past few days since the new class started. She'd walk in and sit there alone for a good half hour before the early trickles of her classmates started dripping in.

Her brilliant professor began his mudane lecture, as always jabbering on about things that she either understood or will understand. She didn't think much of it, but she was actually slacking in her classes. She slept early and awoke by dawn but these little things made no difference, she had to stop herself from closing her eyes half way. Why was she so tired? She had friends who she thought were draining the live out of her -- but she no longer kept in touch with them for fear they might eventually reduce her into someone she was not. She kept guard of who can be close to her and she finally got around to closing the doors on the people she needn't trust or keep anymore. Slowly but surely, she walked out of their lives for she knew she wasn't required to be there anymore.

Helping others has always been one of her weaknesses. "Never take on more than you can handle" said her father to her once. She tried to hold on to that thought, especially on days when she knew she couldn't bring herself to admit that she can't and won't go through all of this alone. It's days like these that she's thankful for the love and blessings that her family and friends have given to her. Not many people understand why she is the way she is. Why had she walked out on us? they would wonder -- sometimes that is simply the answer. Why?

The feeling of bitterness and resentment ran through her blood, coaxing the pain out of her heart everytime she thought about the days when she thought that this is what she had wanted in life. How wrong can a person be?

The Girls of Dang Ganazz

Nothing make's me prouder than the feeling of belonging once again. Over the past year, I've learnt who my friends are, who'll stand up for and to me when it's needed. I love the fact that almost anything can be discussed without shame, and I love them for being everything that they are.

Most people walk in and out of your lives like paperwork. They're there for a period of time, being there for you.. but it's always for a period of time. Then the friendship bridge either breaksdown or burns, and all you've got left are memories.

My bestfriends and I, we've burned and broken down our bridges over and over -- and yet still manage to rebuild them. I suppose in a way thats your way of knowing that they're your friend for life. Haha. On a sadder note, sometimes, some friendships can be poisonous. Sometimes friends can drain your energy out until you can take no more.. and sometimes, that's when you ought to be strong enough to walk away.

I've got a few friends who are like that. I'm still friends with them mind you. Regardless of the number of times I've tried to walk away, I've somehow pulled myself back into their lives and they begin to drain me again. I've cried countless nights, fought endless pains just to be okay with them again -- but now, you question, was it all worth it?

Syer and I

The Battle of the BruSocs was played over the weekend -- BruManch and BruWick came along to Loughborough for a few friendlies. It was a shame that BruWick wasn't able to send a netball team because I was looking forward to playing with them again. DG played along for the day -- our only loss of the day was to BruManch by 1 point. That was a bigger shame because we were leading 4-2 in the first half. Other that that, the other two matches were played against LufBru Shuffle and LufBru Remix -- both were played well and the girls had fun =) We had a bonding session (yet again!) at my place over bread pudding and nasi goreng.

Syer and I went to London the same evening to see my mum the next day. We stayed at Brunei Hall over night and the next morning got picked up and went to mum's hotel. I'm sure Syer's learnt by now, where I get my forgetfulness from. I'm notorious for leaving my phone anywhere, my keys nowhere and at times, my wallet at home. So. On the day Syer finally gets to hangout with my mum and I, my mother accidently leaves her handbag in the car we were in. Hehe. I, on the other hand, did not forget anything for once :-P