"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr (American theologian, 1892-1971)

I miss you.

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

-Anon

I know and without doubt that I cannot live without you.

Oh my God, this hurts like hell..
I had that dream again where I was lost for good in outer space
Tell me, doctor, how to shake a waking nightmare that is only worse when I am sleeping..

Sending a little rain my way.. I miss you.

Change Your Whole Yasmin.

Go to: http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi
Put your name in, and generate slogan after each question.
Tag 20 people including me.

---

1. What do you say to yourself every morning?
Takes A Yasmin but Keeps on Tickin'

2. What do you want other people to say about you?
Chocolate Yasmin Since 1911.

3. Someone asked you out, your answer is...
Things Happen With A Yasmin.

4. How would you answer a booty call?
Sometimes You Feel Like a Yasmin, Sometimes You Don't.

5. How would you introduce yourself to someone you really like?
Break Me Off A Piece of That Yasmin.

6. To someone you dislike?
I'm Not Going To Pay A Lot For This Yasmin.

7. You're in a conversation and you suddenly feel the need to pee, how would you excuse yourself?
We'll Leave The Yasmin On For You

8. Your parents ask you why you got home late, you say...
Because Yasmin Is Complicated Enough.

9. You're failing a subject, you say...
The Yasmin Is Mighter Than The Sword.

10. The love of your life asks you to marry him/her, what do you say?
Things Go Better with Yasmin.

11. Your bf/gf is breaking up with you, you tell him/her...
Have You Had Your Yasmin Today?

12. Someone told you you're an ass, you tell them...
Make The Most Of Yasmin

13. What are the best words to describe you?
Think Yasmin.

14. If you're going to have a movie about your life, the title is...
I Feel Like Yasmin Tonight.

15. Your last words before you die...
What Would You Do For A Yasmin?

16. Your message to a special someone..
Two Hours of Yasmin in Just Two Calories.

17. Title of this post will be...
Change Your Whole Yasmin.

I don't claim to be a good writer, but I sure do try. For the past few posts, people have commented, sent me messages privately on their thoughts of my writings. I am glad to know that people, near and far, are trying to understand the meaning of my words and at times, are able to relate with what has been felt. As always, there will always be a message that tells me that in times of trouble, I should turn to God. Do you notice how only when we're at our weakest, only then we'd turn to God? Well, those like me anyway. We are tooindulged in this temporary life, that sometimes we forget why we're here. I feel relieved, though my tears don't mean much to most people, I am comforted..

A few months ago, a dear friend gave me the Qur'an as a birthday present. I hadn't opened it until yesterday when another friend decided that he wanted to read to me. I forgot, I'm so sorry, I forgot what it felt like to be free from pain, to relieve myself from burden for just a few minutes to read a few verses.

I cannot explain why I've been crying other than the selfish reason of missing someone.. and I cannot explain why tears are flowing from my eyes as I write this. I've always tried to be vague in my writings, sometimes when I look back to 3 years ago.. even I can't remember what I was on about. But I could tell from the way I wrote, how much pain I must've been feeling.

In just three weeks, I'll be done with my masters. Alhamdulillah. From there, I have to sort my life out and find out what it is I'm meant to do.

-y

Dear friend,

I don't suppose I actually know what your best interests are, whether or not your loyalties lie with me or with someone else. We've had memories together -- it's true some might had more than you. I've never asked much from you, be it monetary or time. I seek you out when needed and you never bothered me unless there was something up your sleeve.

I have loved you like my own sibling, nursed you when you were sick, lent you my last dollar and gave you talks of motivation when you felt low. I hurt when you seek someone else, I hurt when you forget the things I've done for you. I've accepted this and shrugged my doubts off. After all, what is friendship without its sacrifices?

Kindly please explain why you've set out to wreck one of the things that has made me happy. Please help me understand why lies about me have continued on vivaciously, like a germ in a perti dish. Help me pull my head around reasons of why you would do this to me. I will gladly accept any reason and from then on, let this be a silent fight between us because I see it as nothing but betrayal on your part.

Thank you for ruining everything I had once believed in and taking away those I've loved most.

-y

COMMENTS OFF.

There comes that time of year where we seek forgiveness, give our praises to God and be thankful what for the things we have. We're lucky enough to live in a life where we're able to read, food is not scarce and communication is simplier just by a few clicks of a button. Ramadhan never had much effect on me because I'm capable of witholding from what I should but I'm not going to talk about how it's impacted me recently because I'm not very big on talking about Islam and I might get facts wrong.

I found this photo today. It takes me back to when life in Loughborough wasn't so complicated. I will no longer find this type of contentment. I accept.

So here's a story:

The sun shines through the blinds, hitting her eyes with its brightness. She's always hated waking up in the morning because really, there wasn't much for her to look forward to. As Eid approaches, she finds new reasons to become depressed and let down. Her life feels like it's slowly going to turn upside down with her falling out of it. Really: a box with contents being turned upside down. She is the content. She's always thought that she was a strong person, given all the things she's gone through over the past few years.

Rumours of her socialising ways had never effected her much because she's had friends who made her feel better and she's always known to ignore the harshest of words. Guess what? Today, was the day she couldn't. Not when it altered everything she loved.

She doesn't understand how people can judge others on what they've heard and not know.

She cannot grasp the idea of why others would be so keen to talk about her when she's always tried her best not to keep up.

Mostly, she doesn't except how all of this could have started and why it's at full force of ruining her life.

She cries, as she has done for the past week. Her tears cannot stop flowing, the pain escalates harder and faster every time. "What have I done to deserve this?" she asks. Her friends remain mute this time, because they're not there. It's always felt like it's her against the world, with her having no one to turn to because no one really recognizes what the problem is..She has no one to talk to, especially when those closest to her are against her decisions. She didn't mean to fall out and back in love. She didn't know it hit her until she was in too deep. Everything, every tiny detail, she had planned for her life had to be thrown out the window.

She no longer knew what she was going to do.

All she could do was take off the promise ring , pack up and watch her life fall apart.

She sighs and lets tears wash her face.

I feel lost.

I was gonna blog but I changed my mind.

I might get too depressed.

I'll try again tomorrow.

-y

C'est La Vie

So I noticed that people are beginning to read up on my blog again. Hi :-)

My project isn't going as plan, I'm a week (maybe two weeks) behind schedule because of my lack of enthusiasm in this project. Sigh. Hopefully by the end of the week (I've been saying this for 2 weeks now), it'll get back on track. Project + dissertation due date is by the 21st of Sept, so hopefully I'll have my project done by the end of August and finish up the paper work before the week it's due. I am so stressed right now. Major procrastination on my part.. haha.

I found this cartoon really funny when I was looking up Fibonacci sequences for my project. It's a a good way to learn things, takes in more of fun.

Today I realised that I actually am twenty-two, that I have a Bachelor of Science degree, that I'm pursuing my masters, that I've broken too many hearts and mended mine very slowly. It took me three years to properly get over J1, only then was I able to sustain a proper relationship and used words like "love" more carefully.

I realised yesterday that I was no longer cynical of love, that maybe, if given the chance, I could believe in it properly. An email today made me count my blessings and realise how lucky I am to have found people that understand and accept me just the way I am. I shouldn't ponder on bad things as nothing good ever comes out of it. It also served as a reminder that no matter what I do, regardless of whether I pass or fail (God, I hope not) in my plans.. my family and those that love me will be around to either celebrate or pick up the pieces.

I'd like to think of myself as independent, but I'm really not. For four years, I had always depended on a sense of security from my ex-boyfriend. He gave me that assurance I needed to stay strong, to keep my chin up and made me feel better whenever I heard someone say something bad about me. He was the only one who could help my bruised ego stand back up. Even today, when I probably shouldn't, I think fondly of him. I'd rather not remember the bad memories where I felt manipulated or tricked.

Dad always said to me, especially during my times of struggle or whenever I am enraged with hatred for someone: "Always remember the good times you had. Years of trust can be broken by just one lie, and it's that lie that people will always remember" Well, that's my translation of it anyway, what my dad actually said was "Ingat kan baik saja arah orang. Walaupun kita buat baik arah orang, benda buruk yang kita buat, itulah yang dorang ingat". That isn't very fair is it?

Our break up was, I admit, not one of the hardest thing I had to do, the hard part came when I allowed myself to let go of the reminders and remnants of him. Throughout our time together I thought I was good enough and well minded to settle down after graduating. I thought "yes, it's now time to stop exploring, to stop searching". I thought this is what I want and all I need. We tried too hard to make it work. Sometimes the cracks don't start showing until it's too late.

I admit, it's probably my fault: I had been unfaithful too many times. It wasn't right that he could accept me for every thing I had done to him and I could not. I had given up. It was just time, every thing had taken its course. Our relationship was more like a piece of fabric that's been dragged well over time, just random shards and tiny strings keeping us together. In the end, the fabric tore. Ultimately, all he said was "okay." That, my dear friends, was the end of my four year long relationship.

It's even harder now when all people can picture is you and that significant person because that's all they know about you. I found it particularly hard whenever someone mentions his name, or asks me about him. You know when you meet a couple and you've known them for so long that they're just one person combined? Like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, like Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. How shocking it was that when they split up? And me (so insignificant!), how do I answer? (Please ah, I am not comparing myself to these celebrities, but they were the best examples I could think of without naming my friends) Am I to simply say that we're no longer together but I'm sure he's well? Haha. Awkwardness as it is. I remember people would ask if I was serious, if it were really over. Yes, I'd say. There is nothing that can change that now and I am not asking any one to fix it.

As cliche as this is going to sound, he and I were going different directions. The more I thought about it, the more I knew. I had planned on staying in UK for a while longer, get a job here.. ideally move away. It wasn't something he would have wanted or could easily accept. Time was running short and I've been accused of running away because I can't face the reality of settling down and getting married. I think in a way, maybe they were right. I wasn't ready. I needed more time to think of what I wanted and where I'd like to be in five to ten years. Surprisingly enough, I can imagine myself settling down, funnily enough, but at the time I couldn't put a face on this imaginary husband of mine. Right now, all I want to do is wish him happiness and a better life without me because I am happy where I am right now. I have every thing I need and want, but I have him to thank for making me who I am now. He's shaped me in to someone I don't recognise anymore..and I'm now rebuilding those pieces.

But I know that whatever decisions I make, those who care and love me will be there. So what do I have to lose?

So let me admit this: I have fallen for a guy I'm not good enough for, and yet he sticks around because he thinks that I'm the best thing he's ever found. C'est La Vie.

Tried to make my own fish curry today with lots of success though I did think it was too sour at first -- shouldn't have added both tumeric and lemon juice! Other than that, it turned out okay. It was my first time cooking curry on my own without using premade packets (Brahim's!).. so many thanks to my Grandaunt who supplied the curry powder to me :-) Especially since I've been craving to eat Malay style curry for weeks now and finally got around making it today. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, the challenge was finding out whether or not I had the right ingredients which included fennel seeds, cumin seeds and fresh tomatoes. Turns out all I had to do was check out the spice rack and the fridge! I'm well proud. :-)

love,
y.

Sometimes I dream that I'm holding your hand, and we're just talking about our tomorrow's together.. then the revving of an engine outside my window disturbs my sleep, and it hits me harder every day knowing that you're gone.

I miss you, aGF6aXE.

Sometimes she'd stare at e-mails or written out posts online, a gasp might escape her already tightened throat. It doesn't take a genius to see whats been said and how these imaginary blows manage to leave bruises on her soul. She's fallen down so many times, there have been tears, so much tears, escaping her pained eyes. It's so hard to breathe.

It's hard for anyone to look straight at her without feeling guilty. She blames herself for all the problems, maybe if she wasn't so different from others, if she wasn't so direct, so straight to the point, so ruthless to what she wanted, then maybe they might have showed a little bit more of understanding. Unfortunately, she wasn't. It was who she was, it was how she was brought up. Her parents never beat around the bush -- they've always told her to speak her mind. Honesty is the best policy. Sure, but when is anyone going to help you when the right time comes?

She thought she could start over, since it was suppose to be her last year in this not-so-forgiving town. She stopped going to various events, distanced herself, kept away so that the heartless comments about her might keep at bay. But no, someone unzipped their mouth.. out came the spills. Who was she to stop this? No one. She had no control over any one's mind, or mouth. What hurts most though, is that given the circumstances, even if they weren't fond of her, they should have given her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was going to be different. Maybe she was not going to interfere. Maybe she was just going to stay away. Maybe they should have allowed others to decide for themselves.

Another ghost slaps across her face. She touches her cheek, she can taste the saltiness of her tears. She wails uncontrollably. Of all people, with all her good intentions -- misintrepeted from wrong understandings, lies and fabrications. "Deal with it," she tells herself. She struggles to break free from the weight of deception. Sigh.

Help me.

040809: Day outfit

I must admit that I don't know what football team jersey I'm wearing since it's not mine. Haha. But yesterday's outfit for my lunch w/ Syer, Erda and Rudy.

• Juventus home football jersey (men's) -- I had to google this..haha
• New Look green jacket (men's!) -- again, not mine :-P
• H&M slouch sling bag
• Levis 573 Loose fit jeans.

Not going out today. So this is for yesterday and tomorrow..

love,
y.

Thought I'd try add more variations in how I blog.



Today's outfit:

• Green Hard Rock Rome cafe t-shirt
• Vans studden belt
• Swarovski red apple necklace (thanks ade!)
• New Look black skinny jeans
• Accesorize grey silk scarf
• H&M slouch bag

Make up as always by benefit and revlon :-)