Sometimes I have to remind myself that in life, you don't look to be appreciated but just hope that one day everyone will realise how hard you worked or how dedicated you were to something and then they'll turn around and be thankful. I forgot to remind myself of that, and I got lost in the process because there I was, being resentful of everyone because they've forgotten who taught them how to walk and now they've begun running -- it probably feels more like it's me they've been running away from but really, it's just me. I'm shutting people out, I'm not letting go of mistakes and I'm like this chimney burning out. I'm done.

I'd look at them, and think of how wonderful and beautiful that they've all become as a result of what I've done. So in a way, I ought to be thanking myself. Thank you Yas. You've at least changed the world a little bit with the ways you've helped others.

In so many ways, I've been perceived as a snob. I turn my nose against others because they're not like me or I have a hard time accepting them. Yes, I admit that I am that way but tell me, what makes you any better if you don't try that tiny bit of effort that I failed to do?

Waking up in the morning is one of the hardest tasks of the day for me, it's like trying to get over that very tall fence and when that does happen, everything (well, almost) is greener, better, yada yada. So first challenge for me, wake up. get up. get dressed. stay awake.

i curse you coffee.

I suppose I ought to go take a shower now. It's quarter to nine am, class is in about an hour. Oh but the bed feels so good. So good that I don't want to get out. Monday morning, how I adore yet loathe you. My weekends are filled with fun times with netball and friends, and yet Monday, you come along and take all the fun away. I love you still -- but only because it means classes start.

Nonetheless, I hate waking up.

I really don't need to think about some things -- but sometimes it can't be helped. It's just me, I think about everything and anything. Problems that effect my friends, affect me. Haha, honestly I shouldn't. I care too much hence, I get affected. It's like a bloody infection that spreads over me and then as a result, I think about it (probably too much) and I ponder on it.


There's this one person here who wasn't even subtle about not talking about me. Can you say asshole? Makes you think though, how can one person you helped sort out their goddamn life drop you like that? I know their secrets, reasons why he's always lashing out -- I know it all. So why the sudden 360 turn around? Maybe some friendships are more important than others, I don't know. All I know right now, is that I'm sick of it and I hope they suffer in their conquest to keep me away.

I am water clogged. I'm on a sudden health kick but it doesn't help because I got a box of Millie's cookies calling my name out downstairs -- no, I didn't buy it but I did ask for it. Ahh, what I wouldn't give to turn back into the shape I was four years ago. I suppose now I just have to work harder for it. I ran into my housemate at the gym -- she goes to work out and I go to have that swim I've been having every morning. Siuk lah, because I don't know anyone and no one knows me so I can just swim without talking to anyone. But god it took me a while to get out of bed this morning, I had to force myself to go to the pool, telling myself if I still don't feel like swimming when I get there, I can do. Hahaha works =))

My new module on Computer Systems started today. Learnt about binary numbers (awu, aku iski!!!) and the history of computers. The module's completely 100% class test which is in 3 weeks so my concerntration levels should be well and rested by then.

My hand's healed nicely by the way. Just two funny looking lines on my palm and other than that, it looks okay? :-D I've been busy as hell, gotta get work done. I love my new course =)

Anyway. talk soon.

love,
y

Just got back from the pool, I'm feeling a little water clogged. Now I'm getting ready to head out and have lunch with pekos at Maxin probably. I don't really like going to that place at the start of the day, probably because it's a) fast food, b) they fry the chicken and stuff -- bebau bah. The oil aroma somehow sticks to your skin, your hair (omg my hairr!!).. and I just washed my hair. sighh.

I went to Nottingham yesterday, met up with an old friend. We watched Eagle eye (lol if you haven't seen it -- I'm spoiling it!!), I think it would have been a better ending if Jerry died.. baru cool. :-) It felt funny, going out without certain people -- being alone with someone new, not doing my usual routine of nothingness. I've been kept busy the past three weeks, supplied with endless pizzas and people answering me at my beck and call. lol.

I'm kind of glad I stepped down, I think if I didn't then I wouldn't have time for all of the things I'm doing right now. It was like walking out of the place I had been most comfortable with -- in a way, I needed to walk out of my comfort zone because it felt crampy in there anyway. I wasn't getting along with the ideas and notions being thrown about, and there was always a conflict of ideas and I admit, I'm not very happy when things don't go my way but I suppose the others felt the same way when their ideas were shut down. So it's a good thing I left when I did.

Funny though, I felt shut out the moment I walked out. It felt weird because I usually knew what was going on and about around here, and they shut me out completely. I didn't know jack and there have been a few times I wasn't happy with that they were doing and how they were doing it. Suppose I should just sit back and watch -- being offered to become advisor was something I couldn't do, not from the way I felt over the whole thing. How can I work with something I didn't believe in anymore? It was still my baby (okay, maybe not just mine but I did keep the damn thing stable) and it was time to just let go and let it grow. Let it go.

I suppose that's what gratitude gets you. No one ever remembers the good things you've done.

With sports, again, shut out. I kind of wonder who's idea it was to forget about me, but now I've made a decision, I'll stick to it. I just hope no one else will regret it. I won't forget because they've simply not reminded themselves of who I am and what I can do.

aahh.. forgive the vagueness. There are many things I'd like to say right now. But maybe next week. Wait til it's all over.

love,

y

It's SO cold. Atu kan aku majal kan balik ke UK. I forget how cold it can get. I'm in the dining room, working on my report due in tomorrow. I don't know how long one answer should be for a question, asked my lecturer about it. How long is a piece of string? He didn't say that really but that's how I would've interpreted it as. Bad news aside.

I've been busy with everything. Like berabis. I haven't had time to be alone - something I think I'm very uncapable of. I'd like to go swimming but timing doesn't ever seem to be right. NYAA. When I'm in the mood, there'll be something on at the pool.. like the Active swim for 50+. If I were 50+, then it'd be okay...... haha, but I'm not! Ohh well. I'll just save it.

My new house is awesome. It's a 5minute walk to the Leisure center - where I should be spending more time in, i.e. gymming, swimming. It was probably a good move for us all to live here.. all six girls, although I don't see much of them. It's like living back in a hall except we don't have a warden to watch over us. Banar. I guess it's okay not seeing people everyday? Sometimes I can go through 2 days not seeing some of them. I see Syer everyday though since I barge (haha) into her room regardless of what state she might be in. One of these days I just might walk in on her when she's dressing.... let's hope that does not happen any time soon.

So. Played netball yesterday - I should have been working on my report but I think it gave me a bit of happiness in the long run because I played more than usual, laughed more than usual. I felt a bit happy. So what if all I get is a few grunts as a substitute of hello? It's okay. I don't mind. Just don't bring attitutes to court. On the court, everyone plays a bit more professionally and take off the childish skin wear and we play. That's what I like about team sports, no matter how much I can not like a person, if I have to work with them in a team - then I'll be a team player. I know not a lot of people can do that, some people still bring their attitudes and judgements on court -- so not professional. heh. It's happened, I've seen it happen. I've done it too but only because another person was acting up and practically rubbing it in. I wasn't too happy about that. Sometimes the only way to solve issues like this is to either walk away or rub back. Most of the time I walk away. Then I go whine at someone who will hopefully just listen. Anyway. Sekalinya aku kan nyanyah. heh.

I've got the week off just to do my report. I've other things that need to be done, like post stuff to my landlord, replace the broken glass pane at the door and so on. Ha. I broke a glass pane the other day (same one as the door), I banged my palm into it and it smashed. What a sight it was to see glass sticking out of my palm. Fortunately I had people that actually cared about me around, they picked up the glass, cleared the hall way and then we found plaster to put on my hand. Not much of a story, but yeah..after all that I went out to watch the boys play football at the park. Menalur banar. I should have gone to the clinic to check if there was still glass in my palm but I didn't. I'm sure whatever's left in my palms gone by now, I've healed quite nicely. Just adds more to the collection of scars on my right arm.

anyway.
back to work.

love,
y.

n507505414_1064012_1582

n507505414_1064012_1582, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Selamat hari raya to mum, dad, ella and the rest of my family and friends.

with love from me in Loughborough,
your daughter, sister, niece, friend and bestfriend.

-y.

ps. that's me and my cousin Basir =)

Oh damn. Lack of updates because of my server's migration to kemana kah. Just got back from Leics for Lina's birthday. Happy birthday lina and shuvvy =) hope both of you had good birthdays.. I'd like to celebrate a fake one next week please.

Decisions. Decisions.

I'm back in Loughborough, words out anyway. Doing a master's degree in Information Technology. Am loving it. My first exam's this coming Monday. I've been busy non-stop learning about html, latex, unix systems..and have learnt that Microsoft isn't as flashy as I had previously thought. Am now totally impressed with Apple. I'd love an iMac. *coughs*

My department has this room reserved for postgrads only, I've been in that room every day exceptt weekends for a minimum of six hours. It's filled with iMacs, 24-inch screens at that. Best part is that it's only for Computer Science postgrads. =)

Fol's in Singapore. Can't believe I don't get to spend another birthday (his, and its the 3rd yr in a row~) not being with him. Have a great weeekend b =) love you.

Am thinking about netball. Wondering who'd like to play for me, with me. Any takers? Just wondering anyway. Doesn't mean it'll happen. Are you reading this?

x

Who are you to judge me on what I do?

Should I really be shut out because of how different I am from you?

What did I ever do to you to deserve all of this?

Maybe it's time to close all the doors.

Thank you for your time.

x