Happy four years sayang :)

DSC01589, originally uploaded by unangelic. 

Us at our one month in advance dinner at Satay House, London. 

Four years ago, on this day, I met a character who would not tell me how "hot" I was; instead he'd always use the words beautiful, affectionate, loving. He was Saifol. He wore a tight black shirt with a black cap which covered most of his forehead. We were in Taurean, Kiulap and I was having lunch with Mimi, Aqilah, Yazid, Zeerah, Alim, my sister and so on. I had kolomee and shared a buttermilk toast with my sister. He had nothing :p

This was the day that marked a lot of things; one) I was scared because he was much older than me; two) I seriously didn't want a relationship at the time :p but we got along and lo' and behold. Four years on, you are still the antidote to my pain and you are still sometimes the cause of my pain. I love you. More than words can ever say, you are the light of my life.

Although I will never really be sure of the day we actually claimed each other as boyfriend and girlfriend -- we sure started acting like it the day you grabbed my hand :p I am not ashamed of who I am, and all the things I've done and I'm happy that you can accept me as I am now. I can happily say that I accept everything that you are, were and everything you will become. Without a doubt, you are the only one for me.

Thank you for putting up with me during my worst decisions, through all the things I regret now. I know, without doubt, that loving you is something that will never stop. My heart belongs to you and I hope you know that you are without a doubt, the only one who can make me happy through these many years that we will be spending together. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you and I hope you feel the same way too.

Happy anniversary my love. May god bless us with many more years to come.

I love you.

-Yasmin
xxx

DSC01969, originally uploaded by unangelic.

this is what stress and pms does to you.

With Naw at Primark.

So the MSc. official project lists came out on Monday. I'm hoping I might end up with something web-based because I can do without the headache of trying too hard. My brain feels like it's been fried -- I no longer look forward to going to class.

I feel overburdened but I'll keep on with it because I have to. 10 weeks worth of lessons being crammed up into a ten day slot isn't ideal -- it's a lot to take in all at once. Especially when it feels like the day drags on. Don't get me wrong, my lecturers have been awesome -- they're funny, more like comedians and they're more friendly than I would have expected from lecturers. I just don't like taking in so much with so little time.

I'm not smart.

I'm not outstanding.

I'm not great.

But I am human..

I am your average student who struggles every day just like any other person does but still tries to manage a smile for anyone who bothers looking.

Heads are bent down around her, the quiet breaths give her a sense of calmness. They've withered away to dream land but it doesn't bother her. She knows now is the only time tonight she'll be able to gather her thoughts. Two seats away, two boys are laughing and planning their evening out.

She sighs and smiles to herself. Today was one of the best days she's had in a while. The trip was unplanned, she didn't think it was going to happen. Wide eyed and still suffering from the lack of sleep, she hopped on to a train to Britain's second largest city.

An old friend digs up childhood memories with her and she enjoyed every minute of it. She had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. Mostly of what she felt today was relief. She now knows that there will always be others who do care about her, regardless of how or what she does. Fits of giggles and pure silliness, she wonders what had caused that wedge between them in the first place. She loved her, she always has. If she could share it all with just one person, it would have been her. No one else knew that though, no one had to. She was just happy that they've restarted their journey of becoming life long friends again.

Laughter sounds again in the quiet carriage. She glances around her and looked straight ahead across the table where her two friends sprawled across the two seats. She sighs again, hoping that tomorrow will be as good as this and thanks her lucky stars.

She bends down in frustration, hoping it would ease her breathing. Light-headed and confused, she begins to find a reason in her thoughts of why she feels so pent up. Uni has started today, but having a worked up weekend didn't leave her as rested as she would have liked. Her head throbs and yet, something twists inside of her. It aches, oh so madly.

Waking up this morning didn't feel any different than it should. She reminded herself that in actuality, she was a free woman. At least thats what she thinks. She's entered day 3 of not speaking to him, despite the temptations to write a simple text. She didn't need the anger, and didn't want to him to know how unloved or lonely she actually felt. It ate her. It ate at her very being. She didn't really know what to do except write, allowing it to flow out through her fingers.

"Life can be so cruel," she thought bitterly. The wind blows and she crawls into bed. Quietly, she listens to the sounds of comfort outside her door. A sadness falls over her as the night descends, as she slowly acknowledges she'll never feel a sense of attachment to anything or anyone.

Slowly but surely, she falls into a deep sleep -- dreaming of a day that she should never wake again.

"What do you want now?" he growls. She hesitates, unsure of what she should say. She stammers, "where are you?" she asks quietly. Ill-tempered, he grumbled that he was busy. She hangs quickly up and scolds herself for being so lame. She composes herself and walks through the wooden doors. She glances around quickly and manages a smile for her friends.

The night went unusually well, the moon shone as bright as day even though the rain was beginning to pick up. She wonders what her chances were about staying angry for very long. She was always quick to forgive, and yet never to forget. She knew what she was setting herself into and she accepted it. She wasn't going to walk away from it, not now or ever. This is who she is, who she will be. No one expects any less of her, and that she knew as well as everyone. A lady must learn to bite back her tongue and keep her thoughts to herself.

She must learn to watch herself and let go.

resolutions?

She hadn't thought about where the road would lead her in the coming year. Thoughts and ideas just kept flowing on around her head, unable to settle or focus on one thing. There were so many things in her life that she'd just love to change, but where could she begin?

The night that 2009 broke the clocks, she made a few promises to herself. She broke one today. Music was coming out of one of the other rooms, she hesitated at the door -- almost knocking on it but she abruptly pulled her hand away and quietly walked back to her room. She couldn't help herself. She sat down on her chair and wondered out loud: what is wrong with her? It wasn't envy, or at least she hoped it wasn't. Sure, she was probably envious of the bond that had formed so strongly over the few weeks. Why couldn't she have that too? Of course not, nobody likes her that way. It just was an uncorrectable error that she could no longer fix or find the solution to.

Money has always been her friend, she could probably pay most of them off easily -- telling them that these treats were well deserved. But she didn't want that. She wanted fulfilment, she wanted to feel. Why didn't they want her anymore? Maybe it was too much to ask for. Maybe it was her fault. Again, she scolds herself, but deep down she knows she shouldn't be thinking that way. Why couldn't she leave them alone?

The house is huge and it only adds to her loneliness. Confined in her room, she stares out the window watching passerby's. Sighing to herself, she reaches out for her small comforts: a voicemail he left for her, his sweater and her headband. Laughter echos into her room. She couldn't help herself. She gets up and finally knocks on the door.

She breaks a resolution that will only multiply her pain.

Snapshot_20090113_6

Snapshot_20090113_6, originally uploaded by unangelic.

to much of my dismay, my website has expired and i'm forced to follow through my old roots i.e. using blogspot. whee.

don't worry though, ua.org will be up and running again by probably next week. im just waiting for the credit card or whatever it is that is taking so damn long to clear.

love,
y

DSC01617, originally uploaded by unangelic.

It's hard to believe that over a month has gone by and when he finally walks away from me will always be one of the hardest things I have to go through. A month together -- a month we didn't waste by using useless things as I would have liked.

His first surprise when he came was seeing my bright orange-yellow hair, freshly bleached the night before. It didn't take him long to ask me to dye it a darker colour -- ten minutes tops! :-) From there, I finished up my last week, did my exams (scored an A*. Ha!) and we took a trip down to London and went shopping (I bought a new pair of boots!!!) before flying off for a good solid 7 hours to Manhattan, New York.

Since we already did the whole tourist phase during our summer trip in June, we wandered around the neatly arranged streets from 2nd to 8th avenue and 21st to 125th street like the non-New Yorkers we were. Though I had my fingers crossed for something from Tiffany & Co., much to my disappointment that we didn't even go in (unlike last year, we did go in but I realised I couldn't afford half the things they sold there :P) but we did go to A&F which made up for it because their sales people were absolute gods. Beautiful creatures dancing around from left to right. Haha. Got myself a top after much of his insisting and me refusing -- I caved. I now have a brown top that says A&F.

Breakfast was always a bit much of a routine -- me with either pancakes or a creamed bagel and him with his omelets. Either way, wherever we were, it was always fun because we talked and talked like the old friends we were :) But we did have one breakfast that turned into a shocker for us both -- our last day in New York and having breakfast at Roxette (or was it Roxanne?) next to the New York Marquis hotel. The USD$45 bill! It was laugh since breakfast usually cost us less than USD$20, even at Junior's!

The night we arrived, snow had completely covered the sidewalks and we ended up having dinner just a few blocks from our hotel -- a quiet and yet, cozy restaurant called Revolution. It snowed a lot throughout our stay -- he gets as excited as a little child when the flakes start blazing through. The day it decided to really really snow, I was wearing a light jacket and a skirt. Not very smart, but the sun was out and I was convinced the weatherman was lying. I stayed indoors when we got to the Rockerfeller center, watching people outside ice-skate -- Santa Claus was ice-skating too! Fol goes away so he could take pictures of the merriment and came back with a big box with a ribbon on it. "Merry Christmas baby!" he says. I can't help but eye him suspiciously but me, being the girl I am, who loves presents, greedily opened the box and what did I get? A jacket. A cute J. Crew jacket which was a girly version of his North Face jacket (when we were in London, he did try to convince me to get a NF jacket, but I insisted I looked like a Michelin doll in it -- the thing didn't have curves! It'd look like a she-male especially with my hair :p) but my Fol, being the wonderful boyfriend he is, found a jacket that had elastic bands I could pull on at the waist. Hee :)

Now that I had something more sensible to wear, we braved the streets of New York and walked to Times Square -- we've got photos posted up on facebook and on my flickr if anyone wants a peek!

We made a trip to the Natural Museum of History (where the Night of the Museum was recorded -- Ben Stiller yaw!) after Fol insisted we go because he claimed to be 'interested' in history. After just two hours, he exclaims that we were wasting time there. Haha. I made it a nice 3.5hour tour for both of us since he was the one who wanted to go and I didn't, and I ended up being the one who got engrossed with all the interesting things they had. We even took a picture with the TukTuk thing -- dumdum from the movie! haha

Seven days goes by so fast. We met up with Iyra and Beelz, after not seeing them for god knows how long! But we felt incomplete since my sister and their sister was MIA. We'll have to schedule another one soon with all sisters present!

I didn't even get to shop at all. I made up for it when we got back to London but not before I fell sick! Fol and I met up with Fiyyan on Christmas eve where we shisha-ed at this Arab restaurant on Edgeware. I fell sick the next day and was throwing up so badly. Grr! I was sick on Christmas day! I slept through most of it, only to wake up to go to the bathroom or ask for food. He took good care of me, making me porridge and holding my head up whenever I didn't feel so good.

Boxing day -- we met up with Shuv, SH and co. Lunch was funny because times with Shuv are always fun -- ended up going to Selfridges which was full of people. The Gucci queue was a block long and LV & Chanel had their queues too. I felt sicker than ever just being in the midst of the crowd and insisted Fol take me home. He and SH hung out -- doing their man things while Shuv and the others continued on with their expedition :p

The plan between Fol and I was to go back to Loughborough on the day we got back from NY, but he changed his mind and wanted to stay put. I didn't mind, as long as I could do as I pleased :)

New Year's eve. We went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park with Fol's cousin, Ka Yarni -- took photos and ate mini-pancakes that i absolutely adored! Yummy! At midnight I was already in bed, with a book in hand (Twlight, no less!) and cars started honking loudly for about 15 minutes and from there I went off to a blissful night of sleep!

That morning we had breakfast with Peko at Ping Pong and in the afternoon shopped since most shoppers would be done by now -- leaving the shops mostly empty. We got back to Loughborough the next day and I slept and slept and slept. The day after that, Fol convinced me to go to Birmingham with him, by bribing me with a promise of buying new clothes. Ha. We met up with Taufiq and Saifullah for lunch at Pizza Express at the Bullring and then I went shopping.♥

Then, Fol and Peko convinced me to stay the night there and we had dinner at a Thai restaurant at the Mailbox. It was a lovely dinner, so cosy :) The next day we went to LV, and I got upset because I saw a pair of shoes I wanted very badly. Then I got more upset because I wasn't allowed to buy it, then I got permission then I was feeling guilty so I didn't buy it. Argh.

Back to Loughborough, netball was happening the next day -- but we were also due back to London. We stayed for netball, thank god, and left as soon as it was over straight to London. I ached for three whole days. That's what not streching does to you.

We (me, fol and peko) met up with an old friend from my first year in Loughborough. One of the first few people I first met to be exact and one of the few people I'm still close to :) We had lunch at Tayyab's, this Indian restaurant at Whitechapel and then Souri and I went shopping at Selfridges and the boys went to go watch the Gaza protest at the Israel embassy. Silly boys.

Sunday was strange. I woke up at 5 and went with Fol to the airport. Siigh. But instead of watching him walk into customs, he walked me back to the London Connect train. I hate crying in front of him, he always feel so guilty when I cry. I cried anyway.

So that's my month in a few paragraphs. Try to catch up.

My coursework is due this Friday.

love,
y