I need to clear my head..

It's not so clear when you're not even sure of what you want in life, or what you're actually getting from it. In about five days, it will be the start of my AS examinations, the results of these examinations I sit will either pull me down or push me towards the edge of where I'd like to be in about a year's time. It's always been my dream to continue my studies in the UK; it's always been one of the things I've aimed towards since I was a little girl. It's hard to believe now that I'm an actual senior in school since the year 13's have left JIS now.

I had a talk with one of my best friends' today, and I was listening to my best friend tell me about how things are so different and how their perspective towards school has changed. I love school, I still do. But to them, it seems like nothing seems worth it anymore because most of the people they've ever loved and cared for (besides me of course) has left JIS. Now, all she wants is to get things done and over with. In a couple of years, we'll be graduating from university... and hopefully, from there it'll be a stepping stone towards our dreams and hopes. Maybe then we'll achieve self actualization (oh business term!! ;P) like in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs =)

I've been in JIS for four years now, it's still hard to believe (think I've said this already) that next year I will be graduating out of the Sixth Form. It's funny; when I came to JIS I wanted to be in the student council. That dream is gone now because I didn't get a position. It hurts, but unfortunately I didn't get a position. I'm frustrated, but I can't let that get to me. Everyone's saying that it's better for me because then I'd be able to concentrate on my studies. I'm a freak I can admit to that, my confession is I can do things better when I'm doing two things at once. I know a lot of people who can vouch me on that.

Heart aches come and go. I guess I have so much free time that I spend that time making myself feel depressed. I don't know why I do that because I think that I do deserve to be happy at times... but there are times when I feel guilty when I'm happy. I've been hurt so many times by different people, and all because of different reasons. I know that at times, those people might reminisce of the times we've spent together, and I know that those memories may bring them pain as well. I guess I've got so many people in my life that after being happy for a while, I go back to my depression to make up for feeling happy. I'm not making much sense am I? Ah, they're just thoughts.

When I think about it, maybe it's true. Maybe I am afraid to smile, perhaps its guilt... or a different motive behind my fake smiles and pretense happiness. I don't know. I thought about a lot of things last night, ranging from my feelings to the times I've cried for reasons I thought as then were good enough. I talked to Reza <3 on the phone last night, he cheered me up a little. I don't know why I'm going through another depressing stage... maybe it's the exam 'stress' that people around me seem to be getting, or maybe it's just my thoughts getting in my way again.

Maybe what I'm saying is not worth saying, but at least it's cleared my head. I made promises to myself, I'm determined to do well in my AS exams. I can't afford to mess up because part of these results will help me determine my future. Sigh. This is depressing.

I need to drink some tea.

I need to clear my head.. I need people to set me straight with what they really want from me.. because right now, I'm not so sure myself.