icky icky blah

playing: Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
Can love really be so casual? haha. I wonder how it is to fall in love with the best friend you've had since childhood.. or being in love with the closest someone you've ever had? Isn't it weird, being in love with your best friend who's seen you in your pajamas, your ugliest t-shirt.. lol. Omg, what am I saying? That would probably be the best. In a relationship, that signifinant other is probably the closest person you could ever have as a best friend.

My Adobe photoshop has been opened since yesterday. lol, thanks to Syaf and some other critiques who cannot be linked :rolls eyes:, I'm working on an image I submitted the other day and it's not looking too good =( It's annoying me. I can't seem to make it look good. blah~ I'll probably give up and just tell everyone to leave it be because I made it XP and I like it. hrhrhr liatlah, kalau nda malas.

Anyway, I went to school today for a malay class session. I'm brushing up on my malay so that I can actually speak it properly and formally.. I speak standard malay at home, but its still a rojak mix.. I had a nice day, showed my drawings around. I made a drawing of a girl I don't even know using charcoal. I didn't like her eye brows so I'm probably not going to show anyone else that particular drawing. I've been meaning to learn how to oil paint, mum's going to buy me some art supplies soon. Nyah. Speaking of buying, my sister just bought a drum set. She's been banging in the middle of night.. sigh, noise endurement.

Jit's back, the only person out of my best people list that hasn't come back is Yazid Yasmin. Peh. =( He's bringing me chocolate chips.. haha or so I told him to. I want to bake some cookies for *cough* dreamer and uh..whoeevergetstheirgrubbyhandsonthem. I think I'm jobless. I lost my train of thought after the first paragraph because I didn't want to end up insulting anyone or building up anyone's relationship ego because they're probably going wrong at the moment anyway.

Okay. I'm done. haha. I'd write more, but I want to go to sleep. Will edit or post a new one soon.

love,
yasmin.
xx

edited; lol. Sorry syaf. fixed it xx

Take a backseat.

You can't take life just sitting way back, relaxing. Though sometimes you wish you could. Wouldn't it be dandy if things just followed through as they were suppose to? But nothing really happens until you make it happen, someone or something has to take the first step. Well, I can't make myself go to sleep weirdly enough. It's hours past my usual sleeping time, I guess I've messed up my sleeping patterns yet again, thanks to the exams.

So, its all over. How do I feel? To be quite honest, I don't really know. I guess there is some part of me that feels disappointed that this chapter of my life is finally coming to an end and will eventually be closed. I feel scared to move on, let alone let go of what I have and have had. It's like a flood of emotions. Part of me wants to jump for joy because the worst is finally over, all the crying, studying, ego and confidence being beaten by a sledge hammer.. all that, it's over. Sigh.

It's just depressing. I don't really want to think about it but sometimes it's unavoidable. Other things that are giving me a headache would be my university choices, that's another thing I was suppose to think about. I wish I didn't have to, but I don't think I can stand staying here another year doing nothing anyway. It'll just end up rotting my brain. I know I'll end up in UK, the next question is, which part.. and what course. Sure, I've got my offers. Heh. They're all lovely mind you, the only place I don't really want to go to is Manchester. So I've got four universities to choose from. Nyah. On a happier note; I'm really glad I started reading books again, because I was begining to feel somewhat misguided and uncreative. The books I've read over the past two months have helped me work out my imagination and creativity.. most of all, they've helped me seek out emotions and think of new things and ideas.

For now, all I can do is pray for the best.. and just try not to cry. I guess I'm going to kill time by taking more photos of things around me (like the mysterious bed. pft), or try and spend as much time as I can with the darlings that are coming back. I'm going to watch the md basketball tourney since I'm not playing, maybe root for the guys that are playing. Start my driving lessons. Convince my mom that I don't need new bakery skills. Sigh. Who knows? Maybe I'll make new friends.

love,
yasmin.

replies;
mon: *hug* gluck darls! hope you kick ass.
syaf: yeah I know. Its weird, like.. you wanna be happy but something's missing. It's not exactly sad, it's just a gap or a hole that's no longer filled.

The Site

unangelic.org's main purpose is just for me to rant out my feelings, my daily happennings (or weekly, fortnightly, monthly...) since I love expressing myself. My mum bought the domain for me at the end of 2000/early 2001 and it's been up and running since. Six years? Nice one.

The name unangelic was just a nickname from mIRC that I made up to be 'me'. I started using it a few months after I discovered the internet, and it stuck. It stuck so badly that it's now part of what describes me and who I am. I am unangelic.

The domain was bought from hostonce. They gave me a really good deal of unlimited everything.. so yeah, the offer doesn't exsist anymore so boo hoo to anyone else who didn't get a chance to take advantage of it.

/fall
I got inspired with the word fall while listening to Avril Lavigne's Fall to Pieces. The whole idea behind it is about a girl who's in love with a guy, and she doesn't want to talk about it or tell him for that matter.

~I don't want to FALL to pieces,
I just want to sit and STARE at you. I don't want to TALK about it.
I don't WANT a conversation, I just want to CRY in front of you.
I don't want to talk ABOUT it, because I'm in love with YOU~

The song reflects me in a way because it is basically about me.. Originally, I made /fall due to my major crush on this guy in school. I got over him a while ago because I realized I'd rather see him happy and just be his friend because I know he's in love with someone else. I just hope it works out for him. We're just friends now and talk often, and I'm not hoping that it'll go anymore than that.

I decided to keep /fall after getting over that crush because I know that in my life, I will have my up and downs. I will fall and eventually emerge back up.

swift memories of guilt & pleasure.

Tested out bloggar for the first time a couple of days ago, I've been messing around with the server. I've deleted /adonis, /bunny, /zowk and /diamonds so you won't be hearing *much* from them anymore. Anyways, I'm using bloggar now.. yup. I'm currently working on a version 6, which won't be published until July-ish because I'm tweaking it here and there. I'm basically done with the layout, it's the content that I'm vamping up and updating. blah blah blah.

Exams are almost over. I've only one left, I can't wait until they are actually done and over with. It'll be so much fun :D I hope so anyway. I finally went out with a different group of people yesterday, strangely enough it felt weird. It was the old gang y'know? but it just didn't feel the same. I guess things change, people change. I have a date with some girlfriends this saturday afternoon, along with ranziboobs :) This should be interesting since we haven't hung out in ages.. It's been a while.

Like I said, people change. About 8 years ago, I wore glasses that were oval. Today, my glasses are somwhat rectangular shaped and their degrees have jumped by 4.50 on each eye. You see, I started with 1.00L and 0.75R. Heh. Yes, a 450% jump on my left and a 600% jump on the right. Sweet. About 7 years ago, I used to wear a tudong to school. Today, I wear a tudong on private functions. About 6 years ago, I had red/orange short hair. Today, I have brown hair, that's past my shoulders. About 5 years ago, I cut my hair shorter than you'd normally see on a girl. I had a boy cut =P About 4 years ago, I learnt to wear contacts on a daily basis. About 4 years ago, I had my hair rebonded. About 3 years ago, I grew a higher interest in sports. Sigh, now..

I might be becoming a hermit or something. It's more like 'anti-social' drama all over again. It's not enjoyable of course, I'm hostile and most of the time I wish to be left alone from people I barely know or have taken myself away form. Basically, I just prefer to be left alone. Then again, that would be a bad thing because when I'm left alone I tend to think of a lot of things; like how I'm going to die, how I'm going to live my life in the next ten years, what the hell is going to happen to me if my A level grades suck, what I'm going to do in ten years time, where will I be in ten years time, will I live in ten years time?Yes, the normal thoughts of an eighteen year old. What were you doing when you were eighteen? =) Band practice, sharing jokes with friends. Me? I don't really have that anymore. The guys I used to hang out with have left Brunei and are in Australia or I'm just sick of them and they're probably sick of me. Friends? Ha. I don't really feel that have any close friends anymore. I blame myself for that, though if anyone else is willing to take the blame be my guest so I can feel slightly better.

I need friends. mygod. =( I need you and you back. I don't want to throw it away again..I wish I could kill the pain I feel whenever I wish things were different. It's a feeling I wish I never experienced and sometimes I cry and pray that things would become better. Over time, I guess people learn through mistakes. Though, when you think about it when mistakes happen, things can never go back to the way it was again. I think we've tried, dozens of times.. it just feels weird. It's either pretending or just forcing yourself to be someone you're not.. or in other words, someone you once were. I wish I could live life without regrets, but it's hard to say that. I want to say that more than anything, but that's just lying. I live in comfort with what I have now because I've found what I've been looking for (those who receieved my email know this..) in the man I love, and I am without a doubt happy. Life takes you through different paths, but you're never sure of which road to take unless you try it out. Open another door and close the other. I have to learn to accept that eventually. No matter what the costs are. Friends are suppose to be for keeps, although we're no longer close as we once were, it doesn't mean anyone has the right to bitch about them, bring them down etc. I won't do that, no matter how much hurt I've felt. I just hope everyone else is doing the same.

So, the last exam is tomorrow. I'm estatic, but at the same time I'm freaked out of my skin because its Unit 6 business studies. My worse topic: external influences. sigh. I guess for now I can just pray, pray and pray for the best and hope that those two years of studying A2/AS levels didn't go down to the drain and an amount of $48k++ has not be wasted on me.

Guess I'm done ranting.

From these moments:

Year 2003

Silly moments
rachael's birthday at coffeezone, kiulap.

Year 2004

on adeline's birthday at her house || rachael and I at JP


This would be the last group photo I have other than randy's last day at the airport (which I don't have);

Year 2005

Yup, now I'm that girl sitting and eating chocolate fudge cake at solitude.

love,
yasmin.

Pretense.

I've done nine exams last week alone, and I've got two papers to sit for this week and my last paper is in the week after. So far the papers have been less than cruel. They haven't been excruciatingly difficult since I'm still able to answer the questions in a slightly confident manner. I just hope the examiners are nice and decide to award grades for every good thing they see. *fingers crossed* The physics papers I sat for weren't that bad. They were quite good actually, I hope I did well enough to boost my grade up to at least a C. I'd be happy. My Accounting exams are over, I've only Maths (pure 3) and two business papers to sit in the upcoming two weeks. Thank goodness. Then it's making time for myself and changing my look. hrhr.

I posted on my LJ the other day about how I think how we (the young people) make things around us become so over rated when they really don't need to be. Personally, I know how I've made mountains out of mole hills that shouldn't even have been built. Is it that we're the ones who make ourselves depressed or is it all in our head? What's up with that anyway?

You would think now that I've turned eighteen, maybe I've grown up more. Maybe I've began to understand what's actually going on around me. I know I've grown up more, I know I've begun to understand. Where do I really belong? I don't place myself with my ‘sisters’; I don't place myself with my 'brothers'. Where do I belong? God forbid me imagining myself belonging once again to the cliques I used to float around in. I just don't belong anymore.

I want to, but would that really make me happy? I recall a time when I tried to 'fit in' just as I once did, all I ended up doing was pretending. Pretending to be someone I'm not. Pretending to enjoy something everyone else did. Why do we do that anyway?

I don't think many people know this, but I used to practice my smile in front of the mirror so no one would see my frown. After a while, I got sick of pretending. That's when all the kids in school would just see that grumpy frown I'd have in the morning, I try to smile but it just didn't look real anymore. How do you know if you're suffering depression anyway? How bad does it have to be to start seeing doctors? How SAD do you have to be to get help?

THEN there was a time when I started cutting myself. It was the whole cutter, knife blade and wrist thing. The Irony? I cut myself to kill the pain. Ha. Truest thing I've ever read on post secrets. What was my explanation for going through that? There's a difference between feeling pain physically and mentally. When it's in your head, you don't feel anything.. yet something's killing you at the same time, but you don't feel the pain. The cut is an outlet for the pain to come out from the 'heart'. Do you understand that? I stopped when my friends' found out. One of my friends' hit my wrist with his fingers and I swear they hurt like crazy when you've only cut yourself the night before.

It's true when they say if you know a friend who talks about doing (or even slightly considering) suicide, they need help. They really do. They need someone to talk to, just like I needed someone to talk to. I'm glad I had that particular friend. I'm glad he was there for me to talk to, and get through it all. I'm glad she was there to hug me and help me cope, even though I've got friends who see it as stupid, but they wouldn't know until they go through it themselves. Sigh. Like when there was a case when a girl passed away in school, I just cried and cried. That hit me really hard because it COULD HAVE been me. You know what hurt even more? Sigh. When words just cannot come out to tell that person how much you feel and all they can say is how dumb the situation is. I can't forget that.

I still have these thin lines of scars on my wrist, they're fading though. I know reasons why they got there, and only a few people know why. I keep saying that life is a learning experience, it really is. We need to learn from it. I know I did. I'm better now, and life isn't so bad. I still pretend to smile though, but I'm working on it. I know that there are some days when my smiles are sincere, even though I'd wish they weren't. I'm not meant to be depressed any more. I'm building a life with the people I love, and it is getting better.

love,
yasmin.