Pretense.

I've done nine exams last week alone, and I've got two papers to sit for this week and my last paper is in the week after. So far the papers have been less than cruel. They haven't been excruciatingly difficult since I'm still able to answer the questions in a slightly confident manner. I just hope the examiners are nice and decide to award grades for every good thing they see. *fingers crossed* The physics papers I sat for weren't that bad. They were quite good actually, I hope I did well enough to boost my grade up to at least a C. I'd be happy. My Accounting exams are over, I've only Maths (pure 3) and two business papers to sit in the upcoming two weeks. Thank goodness. Then it's making time for myself and changing my look. hrhr.

I posted on my LJ the other day about how I think how we (the young people) make things around us become so over rated when they really don't need to be. Personally, I know how I've made mountains out of mole hills that shouldn't even have been built. Is it that we're the ones who make ourselves depressed or is it all in our head? What's up with that anyway?

You would think now that I've turned eighteen, maybe I've grown up more. Maybe I've began to understand what's actually going on around me. I know I've grown up more, I know I've begun to understand. Where do I really belong? I don't place myself with my ‘sisters’; I don't place myself with my 'brothers'. Where do I belong? God forbid me imagining myself belonging once again to the cliques I used to float around in. I just don't belong anymore.

I want to, but would that really make me happy? I recall a time when I tried to 'fit in' just as I once did, all I ended up doing was pretending. Pretending to be someone I'm not. Pretending to enjoy something everyone else did. Why do we do that anyway?

I don't think many people know this, but I used to practice my smile in front of the mirror so no one would see my frown. After a while, I got sick of pretending. That's when all the kids in school would just see that grumpy frown I'd have in the morning, I try to smile but it just didn't look real anymore. How do you know if you're suffering depression anyway? How bad does it have to be to start seeing doctors? How SAD do you have to be to get help?

THEN there was a time when I started cutting myself. It was the whole cutter, knife blade and wrist thing. The Irony? I cut myself to kill the pain. Ha. Truest thing I've ever read on post secrets. What was my explanation for going through that? There's a difference between feeling pain physically and mentally. When it's in your head, you don't feel anything.. yet something's killing you at the same time, but you don't feel the pain. The cut is an outlet for the pain to come out from the 'heart'. Do you understand that? I stopped when my friends' found out. One of my friends' hit my wrist with his fingers and I swear they hurt like crazy when you've only cut yourself the night before.

It's true when they say if you know a friend who talks about doing (or even slightly considering) suicide, they need help. They really do. They need someone to talk to, just like I needed someone to talk to. I'm glad I had that particular friend. I'm glad he was there for me to talk to, and get through it all. I'm glad she was there to hug me and help me cope, even though I've got friends who see it as stupid, but they wouldn't know until they go through it themselves. Sigh. Like when there was a case when a girl passed away in school, I just cried and cried. That hit me really hard because it COULD HAVE been me. You know what hurt even more? Sigh. When words just cannot come out to tell that person how much you feel and all they can say is how dumb the situation is. I can't forget that.

I still have these thin lines of scars on my wrist, they're fading though. I know reasons why they got there, and only a few people know why. I keep saying that life is a learning experience, it really is. We need to learn from it. I know I did. I'm better now, and life isn't so bad. I still pretend to smile though, but I'm working on it. I know that there are some days when my smiles are sincere, even though I'd wish they weren't. I'm not meant to be depressed any more. I'm building a life with the people I love, and it is getting better.

love,
yasmin.