I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind - Hate me; Blue October

I've got netball again today, but this time with another group of people who I'll be meeting for the first time today. Sports has been keeping me busy, and in a way, I'm thankful I wake up late so the day doesn't feel like it drags on.. Like the other day when I woke up at 6am, I couldn't function.. I just wasted time on the couch, just lying down and thinking.. and I was counting the minutes until it was noon.. 6 bloody hours. Sigh

Has anyone ever wondered why some people make themselves seemso depressed when they shouldn't be? I know a couple of people who have the world at their feet, and they feel underserving when they're probably the most deserving people ever. It sucks to be this way, always thinking pessimistic thoughts and ways of suicidal happiness.

I hate being alone, lonely.. It's something I'm not used to. I've never really been out of a relationship very long, it's just something that happens.. not something I look for. I never look for being in a relationship, they just appear right in my face. I'm the sort of person who just goes with the flow, if there's no love, so what you know?

One of the reasons I don't stay with a guy (and most girls wouldn't and shouldn't) is the amount of pain I feel when I'm with them. Love is pain? Yeah maybe, but there should me more love than eff-ing pain doncha think? Repetition is something I don't really care for in my books, like a certain ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, not once but three times. I forgave you but that was three years too late. Then, there's also another one who just throws the fact that I'm still young and don't know/understand the world.. I don't like being brought down. I like to think that I am good, if not better. That's just who I am. I know well enough when I can't stay with a guy anymore, when the pain gets unbearable and you're crying every day.. and he keeps saying he'll make it better but it doesn't happen. Lies. Lies. Lies. The pain is like a hole, you can keep taking bits of it away and it'll just get larger and larger.

I wouldn't say I'm heartless when it comes to break-ups, I get upset with them too. Getting dumped is not a good feeling, I know. I've been there. I've had my share of bad break-ups. I'm not going back down that road, back to those eyes that cause me pain. I'm strong because I have to be, because that's the only way I can hold my head up. I still cry some nights when it gets too painful. I fell in love, but I realised I should be the more important one to ME. Not my significant other. SO's aren't worth the fucking hype. You don't need a man to heal, but if one happens to be around.. ahh, what the heck :-)

I'm healing quite nicely, and I'll make love happen the way I want it to. I think a lot, it drives my other halves crazy sometimes. I'm not at the age where I'm ready to settle down.. or be in a committed relationship. I don't know. I still want to see the world, meet new people.. without being pulled down. There's so much in me that I want to let go.

So I want to forget the past. Forget. I want to live my life now.

plugs: matrixadi, rachael, mustanir.

ps. qian, mus.. i miss you guys. two months to go! xx

I've got netball at 5, was suppose to go out with Randy but I guess he had better plans :-P Funnily enough, I can't remember what I did yesterday except go out with Aimi and Lina for drinks. Haha. Lina managed to convince me to join a gym, and that's $180 gone for the next 6-7 weeks. Haiz. Oh I know, I went to see Hads and we had lunch with his cousins and my sister.

so, it's tuesday. what am I doing? I still sleep late like after 1am and close to 4am.. I just can't sleep. There are too many things going on in my head, like me trying to figure out ways to make myself feel satisfied here.. I don't know. I'm restless. I guess back in UK, I didn't have to worry about what time I came back to my room, etc.. just as long as I got back. I can't even make my own decisions here because no one trusts me to. I need to get away from here, everyone's stressing me out with everything they say.. I'm pressured so much that I feel like I want to explode. Everyone is getting on my nerves and it sucks. I want to get out of here for a while.

Nya.

I've got issues. In this list, it would include my ex-boyfriend, a person who calls herself a friend and a whole load of bullshit I have to go through. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the past few days, I'm just so fucking pissed. Coming back to Brunei hasn't been all butterflies and lillies and chilli padi's man. It's just.. so argh. Maybe it's my fault, I come home expected to be supported in some way, you know just help me keep my head up. BUT NO, I COME HOME TO A TRUCK LOAD OF ZILLIONS OF QUESTIONS. What? I'm too hyper that it's fake? argh. Am I not suppose to be happy? Is my break up trivial? Is LIFE a game to you?

The weekend in London was nice, it was good to be with Moans again.. shopping, dinner, the works. She's forever my girlfriend and now, my wife. I love her to bits. She's such a doll. I love you sweetheart, always. We shopped, went to little venice with Kaz and Shahyzul. Talked about the idiocracy of life.. xxx

Mus drove Qian and myself down to London, we left Loughborough at 5am in the morning.. Mus woke me up at 4am when all of us only slept at like.. 2 or 3. We arrived in London around 730 or so, because of detours etc. We toured the HMS Belfast, took photos at tower bridge, ate ice cream, hung out, ate at Mawar's and then they went back to lboro :-( I felt so sad when they left. I wasn't used to not being in their company. When I think about it, they're the ones who brighten up my day..and don't make it seem as messed up as it feels. Sigh. I miss them both :-(

I wrote all of that yesterday, I'm feeling less trivial right now.. just a bit drowsy. Didn't sleep til about 3am last night and I got Fiz, Padil and Chong to come over last night to bum here for about an hour before finally going to bed. ::giggle:: We watched all those stupid videos on youtube ^_^ funny stuff right there :-D

I felt like going shopping yesterday, but that didn't happen.. might go today to Hua Ho and get some sports gear for myself. Finally went swimming yesterday. It was a huge stress relief for me. Pfft~ I didn't go for four days in a row after saying I was going to.. talur banar. I just couldn't find the time to and I kept over sleeping. I'm still jetlagged, I sleep through most of the day and I can never find any 'me' time. Haiz.

I wanna go to Singapore. I want. I want. I don't know. I'm going crazy here, I get too lonely sometimes.. I'm scared of going out aone, I'm scared. Terrified really. I'd go out, but I don't have anyone to go out with.. everyone's busy.. or I just don't wanna hang out with them.. I don't knoww la~ maybe it's me for not asking them to go out, maybe its them for not asking me. nya. banyak fikir lah. shiit.

okay, going to eat now.

I'm back in Brunei. Still jetlagged since I keep waking up well after noon.. except for yesterday when I woke up at 7 to play netball with Zaza.

Spent the weekend in London, went sightseeing with Mus and Qian. We had a blast. Photos are available here and here. We viewed the HMS Belfast (?!), it's this huge war ship. 8 levels, and it took two whole hours to just look at. Talk about a tour right? Haha. I had the worst chocolate cake in my life there. HONEST. And we all know what a sucker I am for chocolate cake! Nyer.

Oops! My ride's here. Will update later!

xxxxx

The past.. three weeks have been hell. Lack of concerntation and discipline might be an issue to raise if I end up messing up my papers.. We'll see. My last exam's this afternoon, in exactly two hours. I can't wait. First thing I'm gonna do when I get out of the exam room is get a hug from my mates and thank god first year is over.

For my other friends, the pressure for them is greater because they need 2:1's to be able to secure a placement in third year. I, on the other hand, will be continuing my third year of studies while they make new lives in the job industry.. and I will be graduating a year earlier than all of them though that doesn't neccesarily mean I'll have a job or that I won't be continuing my studies for higher achievements (",)

I guess in some ways I am relieved that exam periods have ended..and I'm going home in just .. four days :-) My bestfriend Aimi is already home, and I'm going to end up missing my best mates here as well, namely Qian and Mus. :-P

I'll reflect more later.
study now.

love,
yas.
xxx

Seriously, I've got burns on my arm because of the damn hot oil spattered all over it.. now there's like ugly brown dots on my frigging arm!!!!!!!!!! AND it farking hurts like mad. I've got like three more papers to go, and I'm still very blur because I couldn't get any sleep last night. I'm cranky and probably bitchy at the same time so I don't think I'm a very pretty sight.

Tomorrow's going to by my Macroeconomics exam, lousy paper la. I'm gonna die in the exam room while everyone can just scribble out their names on their papers. Shit shit shit. I don't know. I think too much. My head hurts sampai cannot tidur. Like there's something wrong with me but I duno what it is. I wish I could shoot myself so inda payah fikir about all this shit anymore.

I have never let exams gotten to me before. Shit. This is hell.

I finally understand why exam period is called hell. The Fak man. The last three papers I sat for was shit. My heart goes bump-beat-beat-bump-beat like it's going to explode.. I get nervous as hell when I walk into the exam room, imagine my state once I sit down. Sometimes it's like I wanna get back up again and go home, just hide under my blankets.

Life cannot get any worse.

Crazyexams. dieee!! ::stabs::

sighh

okay this was a shit post. dont mindme.
willupdate once i get exams out of my system.

xx

Fourteen hours from now, I'd be sitting in the examination hall doing a two hour Calculus exam. Unfortunately for me, I can't seem to fall asleep..so I decided to blog until I feel tired. Yesterday's exam was pretty okay, I can't say that I did great.. but I suppose I could say I think I did well enought to get a self-satisfactory result. ^o)

I kept thinking about certain people tonight.. it's disturbing my sleep and I'm uneasy because of it..

Dear J1,
There was a point in time when there wasn't enough I could do to please you and keep you happy. You broke my heart, not once..but three times and I still kept on caring about you until this very day. Some people say you don't deserve this kind of treatment..and I know that I will continue on thinking very highly of you. You were once my whole life, my world, my best friend. I don't regret those three years of ups and downs together because it's molded us into the people we are.. and no matter what, I'll still consider you my friend even though we aren't as close as we once were before. I'll still have a soft spot for you no matter what happens.

Dear J2,
You destroyed me. You killed all that confidence I once had in life. You made me not believe in things that I wish I really did not believe in then. You mislead me. You threw away all those things we had..and I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for that. You tricked me into thinking that good things can last. Unfortunately for both of us, we've both learnt that there's a higher power.. and that power was enough to destroy us both. I should hate you for what you did to me, but we move on .. and in those days, I guess we could both say that we were childish in one point or another. It was just a phase we grew out of. Friends forever we shall be. x

Dear J3,
I wish there was a point in time I could tell you that I loved you as much as you did me.. but I couldn't because I wouldn't have meant it. I know that deep down I care about you, so much..so much sometimes I'm willing to let it give me pain.. just to see you happy. I don't know if you still care about me like you did before.. but we leart a lot about love during that short period of time. You gave me inspiration. You let me expand my wings. I do love you for that. I'm thankful we remained friends, you're still one of the few people I turn to whenever things turn shitty in my life. You're amazing, and I hope you find that special someone who's perfect for you.

Dear K3, K2 & K1,
Do you remember there was a time when you were by my side everyday and you'd listen to my rants about life and how unfair it is to be me? Do you remember there was a time when you insisted that I'll be okay and that you'll hit my arms if I cut myself again. Do you recall when you helped me out with my basketball? It's funny how you think you know someone..and then you just suddenly drift apart. I can't really explain how it's affected me in a negative sense.. and it does hurt to know that you don't want to involve your life in mine anymore but I guess I can take it. It sucks but what the hey? it's life. We move on. We carry on. I know I'll be okay even though you keep saying that you'll be there for me when we both know you really won't because, as always, there are always other much more important factors. I'm just another person like anyone else. Not enough to be kept in your books. You've forgotten me. Left me out. DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?

Dear J5,
Life isn't fair is it? Things change.. You helped me build up the love I once felt for the world, the one taken away from me.. You let me love. Funny isn't it when we both used to say how we shouldn't fall in love..and we did. What can a 19 year old like me say about love? I can tell the world that it can build or destroy you. I can tell the world that sometimes it becomes such a pain that you wish you could cut your heart out into small pieces and just fade away. Trust. We lacked that from time to time. I suppose maybe one day it'll be okay all over again, but I can tell you now..it won't be any time soon.

Might edit this later.
I'm going to bed.

xx

ps. if anyone has a problem with this post, dont bother me about it. I'll just get pissed off.

My exams start today!

OMGOMGOMGOMOGMOMGOMGOMOGMOMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG :-( But yeah, it means I'll be coming home soon :-) I can't wait to see everyone back in Brunei.. (well, almost everyone..) and I'm going to miss people here as well.. all the people I've met and have been hanging out with :-) Yupyup..it's been great. See you all in September! :-)

IBthinkingImgonnaPUKE. examsexamexams!!!! NYAAA!

ha.

wish me luck. I might/might not need it. Then again, better safe than sorry. I have a parent who might kill me if I don't do well. lol.

my stomach is churrrrrrrrrrrning. I think I'm gonna be sick. Can someone please remind me to take my vitamins and eat properly.. exam week is usually the time when my weight just drops drastically. Let's get this week done and overrrrrrrr with... huuuu

KEEP COMMENTING YOU DARLINGS!

plugs: matrixadi, hazie, obi-chan, kev, titz, bell

ps. the LIVEJOURNAL is closed.

pps. bell, zetz_ plz. ;)

Malaysia Careers Carnival

Dates : 27th June 2006 (Tuesday)
Time: 0900 - Late
Venue: Loughborough University, Leicestershire, United Kingdom
Participation Fee : FREE


The Event 'Malaysian Careers Carnival'
0900 Registration
1045 Briefing/Opening Ceremony
1115 Management skills/Seminar/Mock-interview (Brockington Building)
1330 Lunch Break/Prayers
1430 Management skills/Seminar/Mock-interview (Brockington Building)
1645 Closing ceremony
1730 Malaysian Food Fiesta on Hazlerigg Lawn


The Shell Management Skills Challenge
"The Shell Management Skills Challenge has been developed to help undergraduates develop transferable skills and aims to teach participants the importance of skills that they will find invaluable in their working career and particularly during the selection process for employment. Skills such as Teamwork, Communication, Trust, Creativity Resource Planning and Budgeting and Risk Management are covered."
- Katy Fox, Shell Attraction and Recruitment, Shell International

Seminar on 'Leadership and Influencing Skills' by PwC
- Seminar held to emphasize the importance of leadership and influencing skills.
- To be conducted by Sarah Cockburn of PricewaterhouseCooper (PwC)


'Mock-Interview/Role Play'
- A member of LSMS will undergo a mock interview by a staff from the Careers Centre of Loughborough University
- Various aspects of the interview will be assessed to give participants a better idea of what to expect during interviews.
- Participants will be given a chance to practice answering potential interview questions.


'Malaysian Food Fiesta at Hazlerigg Lawn'

-Local Community & Participants welcomed to enjoy Malaysian cuisine by our local Indonesian/Malaysian and Indian Restaurants

-Locan Community dared to take part in our 'Sambal Belacan Challenge'

-Malaysian Guests dared to act in public and show the local community the 'Malaysian Culture'

-more challenges to be confirmed

-opened to the local Community and staff at Loughborough University

-possible CV clinic to be arranged for participants to get their CVs checked



'Prizes to be won'

ps. will reply to comments soon.