Fourteen hours from now, I'd be sitting in the examination hall doing a two hour Calculus exam. Unfortunately for me, I can't seem to fall asleep..so I decided to blog until I feel tired. Yesterday's exam was pretty okay, I can't say that I did great.. but I suppose I could say I think I did well enought to get a self-satisfactory result. ^o)

I kept thinking about certain people tonight.. it's disturbing my sleep and I'm uneasy because of it..

Dear J1,
There was a point in time when there wasn't enough I could do to please you and keep you happy. You broke my heart, not once..but three times and I still kept on caring about you until this very day. Some people say you don't deserve this kind of treatment..and I know that I will continue on thinking very highly of you. You were once my whole life, my world, my best friend. I don't regret those three years of ups and downs together because it's molded us into the people we are.. and no matter what, I'll still consider you my friend even though we aren't as close as we once were before. I'll still have a soft spot for you no matter what happens.

Dear J2,
You destroyed me. You killed all that confidence I once had in life. You made me not believe in things that I wish I really did not believe in then. You mislead me. You threw away all those things we had..and I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for that. You tricked me into thinking that good things can last. Unfortunately for both of us, we've both learnt that there's a higher power.. and that power was enough to destroy us both. I should hate you for what you did to me, but we move on .. and in those days, I guess we could both say that we were childish in one point or another. It was just a phase we grew out of. Friends forever we shall be. x

Dear J3,
I wish there was a point in time I could tell you that I loved you as much as you did me.. but I couldn't because I wouldn't have meant it. I know that deep down I care about you, so much..so much sometimes I'm willing to let it give me pain.. just to see you happy. I don't know if you still care about me like you did before.. but we leart a lot about love during that short period of time. You gave me inspiration. You let me expand my wings. I do love you for that. I'm thankful we remained friends, you're still one of the few people I turn to whenever things turn shitty in my life. You're amazing, and I hope you find that special someone who's perfect for you.

Dear K3, K2 & K1,
Do you remember there was a time when you were by my side everyday and you'd listen to my rants about life and how unfair it is to be me? Do you remember there was a time when you insisted that I'll be okay and that you'll hit my arms if I cut myself again. Do you recall when you helped me out with my basketball? It's funny how you think you know someone..and then you just suddenly drift apart. I can't really explain how it's affected me in a negative sense.. and it does hurt to know that you don't want to involve your life in mine anymore but I guess I can take it. It sucks but what the hey? it's life. We move on. We carry on. I know I'll be okay even though you keep saying that you'll be there for me when we both know you really won't because, as always, there are always other much more important factors. I'm just another person like anyone else. Not enough to be kept in your books. You've forgotten me. Left me out. DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?

Dear J5,
Life isn't fair is it? Things change.. You helped me build up the love I once felt for the world, the one taken away from me.. You let me love. Funny isn't it when we both used to say how we shouldn't fall in love..and we did. What can a 19 year old like me say about love? I can tell the world that it can build or destroy you. I can tell the world that sometimes it becomes such a pain that you wish you could cut your heart out into small pieces and just fade away. Trust. We lacked that from time to time. I suppose maybe one day it'll be okay all over again, but I can tell you now..it won't be any time soon.

Might edit this later.
I'm going to bed.

xx

ps. if anyone has a problem with this post, dont bother me about it. I'll just get pissed off.