I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind - Hate me; Blue October

I've got netball again today, but this time with another group of people who I'll be meeting for the first time today. Sports has been keeping me busy, and in a way, I'm thankful I wake up late so the day doesn't feel like it drags on.. Like the other day when I woke up at 6am, I couldn't function.. I just wasted time on the couch, just lying down and thinking.. and I was counting the minutes until it was noon.. 6 bloody hours. Sigh

Has anyone ever wondered why some people make themselves seemso depressed when they shouldn't be? I know a couple of people who have the world at their feet, and they feel underserving when they're probably the most deserving people ever. It sucks to be this way, always thinking pessimistic thoughts and ways of suicidal happiness.

I hate being alone, lonely.. It's something I'm not used to. I've never really been out of a relationship very long, it's just something that happens.. not something I look for. I never look for being in a relationship, they just appear right in my face. I'm the sort of person who just goes with the flow, if there's no love, so what you know?

One of the reasons I don't stay with a guy (and most girls wouldn't and shouldn't) is the amount of pain I feel when I'm with them. Love is pain? Yeah maybe, but there should me more love than eff-ing pain doncha think? Repetition is something I don't really care for in my books, like a certain ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, not once but three times. I forgave you but that was three years too late. Then, there's also another one who just throws the fact that I'm still young and don't know/understand the world.. I don't like being brought down. I like to think that I am good, if not better. That's just who I am. I know well enough when I can't stay with a guy anymore, when the pain gets unbearable and you're crying every day.. and he keeps saying he'll make it better but it doesn't happen. Lies. Lies. Lies. The pain is like a hole, you can keep taking bits of it away and it'll just get larger and larger.

I wouldn't say I'm heartless when it comes to break-ups, I get upset with them too. Getting dumped is not a good feeling, I know. I've been there. I've had my share of bad break-ups. I'm not going back down that road, back to those eyes that cause me pain. I'm strong because I have to be, because that's the only way I can hold my head up. I still cry some nights when it gets too painful. I fell in love, but I realised I should be the more important one to ME. Not my significant other. SO's aren't worth the fucking hype. You don't need a man to heal, but if one happens to be around.. ahh, what the heck :-)

I'm healing quite nicely, and I'll make love happen the way I want it to. I think a lot, it drives my other halves crazy sometimes. I'm not at the age where I'm ready to settle down.. or be in a committed relationship. I don't know. I still want to see the world, meet new people.. without being pulled down. There's so much in me that I want to let go.

So I want to forget the past. Forget. I want to live my life now.

plugs: matrixadi, rachael, mustanir.

ps. qian, mus.. i miss you guys. two months to go! xx