Quick update!

DSC01457 - Copy (2), originally uploaded by unangelic.

Things that have happened to me so far:

- Finally seeing true colors.
- Turned my back on a few things.
- Sayang's in UK :)
- Went to NY for a week and met up with my old neighbours minus one (and minus my sister!)
- Got annoyed that my sister went back to Brunei after much convincing to my mother. didn't bloody work.
- I'm broke and don't have a dime to spend.
- I hate london but I'll be here for as long as Fol wants to be here.
- The mass load of coursework I have is hurting my head.
- I miss my laptop.

She didn't sleep well last night, her body is aching. It's bed time now, she ought to be sleeping. That unavoidable urge to write strikes her and she racily types away on her laptop. He promised her happiness, a life away from sadness -- yes, these promises were fulfilled and yet, she dwells on what could have been instead of what has already happened. She knows deep down that nothing will ever change from what it is now, she doesn't understand why. Nothing will be the same and yet, she's suppose to act like nothing has changed.

Drama isn't even enough to describe it -- these events as they happen feel like a domino effect and God, how outnumbered she was against the rest of them. It's too late to do anything about it now. She shouldn't have promised so much, she needn't believed in them so much. Now, its too late. Cause-and-effect: chaos is inevitable.

Music plays in the background: words blaring out desribing exactly everything she felt at that precise moment. She slowly chokes on her own words, unable to tell him what she was feeling because regardless of how many times they replay their conversation, it ends with him telling her that she was pushy, that she pushed her friends to the edge -- giving them more reasons to avoid her. It hurts, it really does but he doesn't understand that. He tries to reason with her when he sees tears flowing free from the edges of her dark eyes, but how can she tell him now? It overwhelms her. Why can't she live life alone? It's because that isn't her and it never will be no matter how hard he's tried to instill these values into her already fragile heart.

Her head spins. Maybe tomorrow her world will finally stop.

Merry Christmas.

No one can say I don't deserve a pampering from my boyfriend once in a while.. :)

So softly, she awakes and shivers against the sudden cold surrounding her. Quietly smiling to herself, "he's finally here" she says to herself. Those empty months she spent confused and unknowingly shutting herself out from the world -- and unwanting to know what was really going on in her mind and those outside of her, all of that was finally taking a turn on her.

She breaks down and starts crying. A hand brushes her face, telling her that everything will be okay now. Nothing should ever hurt her again, not while she's got an arm holding her head up, unwilling to let it fall.

She sits back, glares at the world for putting her into such difficulties. Her head throbs, the pain subduing her. She lets the pain wash over her quickly before getting back to her work. She wonders what they are doing now, and she wonders if they are thinking of her. She knows her mind needn't wander that direction. They were clearly determined to shut her out, what is there left for her to say?

All that she can do now is smile every time they make a miscalculation and once again, whisper her name. From there, she'll know that she'll have won that fragment of a battle.

Today she woke up and prayed that things would get better. The rain kept pouring down from the night before, and it didn't show any signs of letting up. She argued with herself -- should she stay home or vigilantly wander her way through to class? She kept looking at her watch, she was going to be late but it didn't matter. No one ever came as early as she did anyway, as early as she has been for the past few days since the new class started. She'd walk in and sit there alone for a good half hour before the early trickles of her classmates started dripping in.

Her brilliant professor began his mudane lecture, as always jabbering on about things that she either understood or will understand. She didn't think much of it, but she was actually slacking in her classes. She slept early and awoke by dawn but these little things made no difference, she had to stop herself from closing her eyes half way. Why was she so tired? She had friends who she thought were draining the live out of her -- but she no longer kept in touch with them for fear they might eventually reduce her into someone she was not. She kept guard of who can be close to her and she finally got around to closing the doors on the people she needn't trust or keep anymore. Slowly but surely, she walked out of their lives for she knew she wasn't required to be there anymore.

Helping others has always been one of her weaknesses. "Never take on more than you can handle" said her father to her once. She tried to hold on to that thought, especially on days when she knew she couldn't bring herself to admit that she can't and won't go through all of this alone. It's days like these that she's thankful for the love and blessings that her family and friends have given to her. Not many people understand why she is the way she is. Why had she walked out on us? they would wonder -- sometimes that is simply the answer. Why?

The feeling of bitterness and resentment ran through her blood, coaxing the pain out of her heart everytime she thought about the days when she thought that this is what she had wanted in life. How wrong can a person be?

The Girls of Dang Ganazz

Nothing make's me prouder than the feeling of belonging once again. Over the past year, I've learnt who my friends are, who'll stand up for and to me when it's needed. I love the fact that almost anything can be discussed without shame, and I love them for being everything that they are.

Most people walk in and out of your lives like paperwork. They're there for a period of time, being there for you.. but it's always for a period of time. Then the friendship bridge either breaksdown or burns, and all you've got left are memories.

My bestfriends and I, we've burned and broken down our bridges over and over -- and yet still manage to rebuild them. I suppose in a way thats your way of knowing that they're your friend for life. Haha. On a sadder note, sometimes, some friendships can be poisonous. Sometimes friends can drain your energy out until you can take no more.. and sometimes, that's when you ought to be strong enough to walk away.

I've got a few friends who are like that. I'm still friends with them mind you. Regardless of the number of times I've tried to walk away, I've somehow pulled myself back into their lives and they begin to drain me again. I've cried countless nights, fought endless pains just to be okay with them again -- but now, you question, was it all worth it?

Syer and I

The Battle of the BruSocs was played over the weekend -- BruManch and BruWick came along to Loughborough for a few friendlies. It was a shame that BruWick wasn't able to send a netball team because I was looking forward to playing with them again. DG played along for the day -- our only loss of the day was to BruManch by 1 point. That was a bigger shame because we were leading 4-2 in the first half. Other that that, the other two matches were played against LufBru Shuffle and LufBru Remix -- both were played well and the girls had fun =) We had a bonding session (yet again!) at my place over bread pudding and nasi goreng.

Syer and I went to London the same evening to see my mum the next day. We stayed at Brunei Hall over night and the next morning got picked up and went to mum's hotel. I'm sure Syer's learnt by now, where I get my forgetfulness from. I'm notorious for leaving my phone anywhere, my keys nowhere and at times, my wallet at home. So. On the day Syer finally gets to hangout with my mum and I, my mother accidently leaves her handbag in the car we were in. Hehe. I, on the other hand, did not forget anything for once :-P

The weekend's come and gone.. and I'm catching up with what my friends have been up to by reading their websites. I've been busy too, with netball and all. I made my third and fourth birthday cake for the weekend and both were smothered with M&Ms. Both cakes were for the same person and with the second being my first attempt at making a 3 layer cake (unsuccessfully I might add..haha).

Syer is my biggest helper when it comes to the cake making. I usually make the batter and she mixes the colours. I think the first cake we made on Friday was awesome because it was four layers (ala kek lapis!) and it was purple, pink, purple and pink. Lawa! It never takes us very long to make the cakes and we've already got a set recipe and we just variate it as necessary to get the right flavours and colours. I'm just happy because Fol says he likes the pictures I've shown him and I thought I'd shareee :-)


Anyway, angin ku datang untuk aku blogging because I was reading Fiz's blog and she was talking about her weight issues (or excess of, which I insist is not true!) and she talked about how unhealthy she is.. and me, being me, started thinking about how unhealthy I might be.

My usual day would consist of breakfast which would be a bowl of minibix (weetabix!) with a spoonful of honey plus some milk and drinking down a cup of milo (three/four scoops) to go with it. Mid-day snack would either be bread sticks with cream cheese or splendips (yum!) and sometimes if I'm lucky I'd have a banana (high fibre! :D) and I carry a bottle of water with me at all times in attempt for me to keep hydrated.

Lunch would come along and if I've got time to go home, I would and I would either have a bowl of rice with either chicken or beef (yesterday's leftovers) but if I'm lazy, I'd end up with a bowl of indomee with a cup of milo. BUT most of the time, I don't go home because I'd only have an hour gap before my next class and it'll take me 15mins just to cycle back and another 15mins to come back to the mechanical engineering area so I'd end up buying a baguette (prawn and mayo on brown bread if they have it) and if I've brought enough money (or I'm out of water), I'd buy a bottle of ribena (because I love that stuff). Mid-day snack would be a bag of crisps, usually Thai Sweet Chilli sensations or Lay's Paprika max ridged crisps.

Dinner would be my favourite time of day because I spend a lot of time in the kitchen just cooking for myself :) I usually have a bowl of rice and sometimes if I'm not lazy, I'd have chicken kurma, or daging masak kicap and so on. My dinner is usually very very Malay/Asian orientated. Pasta is a rarity because I'm not a fan of tomato based ragu and I prefer carbonara to anything else (minus the ham :p) and I'm not a fan of minced meat either.. so spaggetti is something I won't cook (never have and I doubt that I ever will). Sometimes I'd end up eating twice because if I eat before six, I'd feel hungry again about 8pm which is when my housemates usually have dinner..

Snacks available in my room are usually cadbury fingers (yum) or sensations. I keep masses and masses amounts of water in my room to ensure that I'm drinking enough. My only problem now is that I visit the toilet very often.

I'm a big eater, I have to admit but I suppose running as center during netball pays off. If I sticked to shooter, I'd probably be fat and lazy. Haha. Exercise-wise, I'd like to say that I do go to the gym a lot but life has me busy and I haven't had time to hit the pool because these days I'd rather stay in bed. I have netball every weekend for 2hours and I cycle 15minutes to class everyday and I'd cycle back -- making it a total of at least 20-30minutes of cycling a day.

So. Am I healthy?

Over the weekend, we had a surprise birthday for Naw, who didn't suspect everything and thought it was just going to be another Friday night at our house. I carried her on my back to the dinning room where her housemates and my housemates were standing about, shouting surprise. Hehe.

Dang Ganazz girls came to practice with LufBru. Fiz and Fets stayed over my place on Saturday night and we picked Erda up from her place and just talked and talked and talked + giggles. It made us miss Mas and War :-P The next morning, Fiz, Fets, Erda (plus her hubby and friend), Syaheir, Wani, Taufiq and I had breakfast at GoodLiffes before going to netball at noon.

Fets and I at GoodLiffes.

Not much longer until Fol arrives. In exactly fourteen days, I'll be with Fol again! :) My mum is arriving this weekend and I'm looking forward to that. The Battle of the BruSocs is happening that weekend as well, DG will be in attendance and I think I'll be watching the Loughborough Lightning match before heading off to the train station to get my ass down to London to see my mum the next day.

Aaaaaaaaaaaa. I can't wait.

love,

y

I love birthdays -- the mean a lot to me. It's suppose to mark the coming of a wonderful year and the remembrance of fond memories of previous years. I've been lucky enough to celebrate many birthdays with my friends, my own birthday included.. and those days never fail to be bright. They're a big deal to me, who people decide to spend it with marks the importance of that person in their life -- at least that's how I see it. So anyway, this year is no different. I've made so far two birthday cakes, one for Tix and one for Feel and a batch of muffins for Sek Hao and I couldn't be any prouder of the cakes I've made and done.

Hair on day 1.

I did a gradual shortening of my hair over a strech of three days -- the first day being the most extreme where Syer chopped off most of it and over those three days, cutting it off to my satisfaction up to the third day where our other resident hair dresser, Khal, did his magic on me :-) I'm quite pleased with the end result, although some opinions might differ.. but I suppose in the end it's how I feel about it that counts. I like the hair, it's less worrying and it makes me miss my boyfriend less (haha!)

Anyway, with the cakes, I tried my hand out on marzipan -- and ended up with the photo below. I tried to make a rose and the letters HF to go with it (hehe, it's Feel's birthday cake). It was originally just plain white in colour but the girlies came downstairs and watched me roll the marzipan out and saw me make the rose...and decided to pour food colouring all around the cake. The end result? A very funky birthday cake for Feel.

The photo below is what my hair looks like on day 2. I don't have a photo of me after the third day.. but I expect to take some tomorrow. I was in class when I took this photo -- I was determined to show Fol what my new hair cut looked like, and bless him, he likes the cut and says that he'll teach me how to gel up my hair when he gets here. Haha.

I'm looking forward to the holidays and to not studying my head off. I'm exhausted. I think I'm sick of studying. Sigh. I need to get my work done.

More soon.

love,
y.

Sometimes when I feel like blogging I'll put a song on and play it over and over. It's like this muse and it sets my mood. I don't like blogging when I'm in a foul mood -- let alone when I'm depressed. I suppose if I don't blog, my thoughts go everywhere and I do like typing out what's been happening in my life. It's like documenting things that have happened or will happen etc. My third module's reeling in information process is over, so no more lectures on the tortures of network systems, but I do have labs in the afternoon which involve some program called NS2, I haven't really done much research on it but apparently it has something to do with sitmulation so I'm looking forward to working on it tomorrow. I've installed it into the mac machine we use in labs but haven't gotten around to opening. What annoyed me is that I actually printed out the work sheet but the lab assistant gave them out today so that's 14 pages worth of leaves gone and wasted -- and I didn't even print back to back :-(

I'm aching everywhere. I shouldn't complain because it's what I love, all I can tell myself is that it's my muscles developing and the rest healing because of the extra running and jumping from the Singapore Nottingham Games over the weekend and the Malaysian Nottingham Games the weekend before that. We came fourth place over the weekend and unfortunately did not qualify into the semis the weekend before that. I'm actually exhausted and I'm wondering if I am over working myself with the whole netball thing. I am tired. I might fall sick soon because I'm so tired. I don't know how much more pain my knees and legs can take with me cycling twenty minutes every morning to class, up and down hills just to get to my lecture room. To top it off, it'll take me ten minutes of non-stop cycling to get back home. I could coast all the way to my house but that isn't really cycling is it? Lazy.

I've realised my running hasn't been as teriffic as it should be, partly because I've gained so much weight that I'm too heavy to run at a faster rate, let alone accelerate. My breathing gets so heavy that I can't breathe, it might not show -- but I am most likely, as the nurse back in Brunei had said, overweight. For my height, my weight ought to be 50-55kg, I am 62kg. I ought to lose weight. I really really need to.

Swimming pool, here I come. Pictures are from the Singapore Games =)

-y

I admit below isn't one of my flattering photos -- but what better way can you get to know me if I don't show you both sides of me? Haha. My studies have been alright so far -- as far as I know, I've passed my two modules (I think -- but I know I definately passed the most recent one because preliminary results were announced today). Other than that, I haven't been doing much because the modules I'm doing are alone enough to stress the life out of me, that and all the things happening around me.

Watch More Videos Uploaded by http://www.bebo.com/watchuser/3814871982
Just a video I want to share by Justin Nozuka. haha.

I was photo browsing through facebook, saw photos my cousin put up during HM's visit to my uncle's house -- there was a photo of my parents together but looking away from the camera, it looked really cute because they were both making faces about something (a story I would guess) but daddy likes to make faces with me when we take pictures anyway. There was this other photo of my mum grinning -- she hates taking photos (god knows why, I LOVE photos!) but it was nice to see her not shying away from the camera for once and she looked really happy.

Looking at photos of my parents make me miss home, I think if anything that would be the only reason I'd want to go home. Sure, once I get back I probably won't spend much time with them but I suppose just being home gives me the reassurance that my parents are always going to be there for me. Maybe as time goes by we really shouldn't take little things for granted -- you never really know what's going to happen next.

I miss my parents.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to swallow the International Federation of Netball Associations (IFNA) rule book. I am going to devour it, I am going to know it so badly that I would so bloody know what I'm doing when I'm playing netball. Sigh. Why? Over the weekend, I refereed the Malaysian Notts Games netball finals, which was the first final I've ever refereed for but it was the most intense because the crowd was too loud, players were getting agitated and I suppose my patience wore thin with the players constantly arguing back with my calls.

In the end Nottingham won, although I did try my best to be fair.. I was sort of rooting for Warwick but in the end, their game was falling apart with their footwork and their want to speed the game up. In a way, most of the Nottingham players were in a class of their own with their fancy catch-step-pass process, I thought it was fantastic to see that level of playing among South-East Asian playing.

I think players got annoyed with my constant whistle blowing but aah, I call them as I see them. I don't blame any of the players for getting mad at me though, I wholely understand because I know (quite well, rest assured) that I would be driving a referee up a wall if they were refereeing my game -- in the end, everyone wants to win so we'll argue our way out. Then again, there's also the fact that the referee's word is final. I really ought to learn to be stronger when it comes to these things. They're too much hassle.

Another tournament will be happening this weekend in Nottingham again -- this time I'm captaining the LufBru Shuffle team and I'll be playing with people I'm comfortable with so I guess it'll be okay. Fingers crossed. I'm just not happy with how the groupings have been calculated.. but whatever. It's not my tournament.

In the kitchen making muffins for SH's birthday.

Five out of six of my girlie housemates ;-)

Don't worry, it's just hair spray :-)

love,
y

I've never heard a voice sexier than Justin Nozuka. I have, without a doubt, fallen in love with that voice -- and now what's made it even better is that I have found a face to go with that voice. Bless that the face has not dampened my spirits and that I am now able to share what he looks like with you. I've never been a fan of putting artists as my wallpaper, 'lo and behold, Justin is now the first thing I see when I log on.


Justin Nozuka - Mr. Therapy Man.

Then as I was busy researching on the man that I will probably never meet -- let alone see in person, I stumbled upon his brother, George Nozuka. I've heard one of his songs (George - Talk to me) before but it never occured to me to check what his last name was. So ladies, I am in love with both brothers -- and my boyfriend knows so it's okay :)


George - Lie to me.

I just had to share this so you can love them too.

-y

Monday mornings.

I love waking up in the morning when I know I have something to look forward to -- sometimes it's the screams of my housemates when they run around the house chasing one another, or sometimes it's someone running down the stairs because they're late of class. Either way, this house I live in is full of characters. Funny, lively and hilarious characters. They are unbelievably nutty -- jobless at most times because either a) they can't be bothered to do their work or b) they have something completely better to do.

So here's what I do in the mornings:

Yes, I've been messing with my new camera :-)

-y

Sometimes I have to remind myself that in life, you don't look to be appreciated but just hope that one day everyone will realise how hard you worked or how dedicated you were to something and then they'll turn around and be thankful. I forgot to remind myself of that, and I got lost in the process because there I was, being resentful of everyone because they've forgotten who taught them how to walk and now they've begun running -- it probably feels more like it's me they've been running away from but really, it's just me. I'm shutting people out, I'm not letting go of mistakes and I'm like this chimney burning out. I'm done.

I'd look at them, and think of how wonderful and beautiful that they've all become as a result of what I've done. So in a way, I ought to be thanking myself. Thank you Yas. You've at least changed the world a little bit with the ways you've helped others.

In so many ways, I've been perceived as a snob. I turn my nose against others because they're not like me or I have a hard time accepting them. Yes, I admit that I am that way but tell me, what makes you any better if you don't try that tiny bit of effort that I failed to do?

Waking up in the morning is one of the hardest tasks of the day for me, it's like trying to get over that very tall fence and when that does happen, everything (well, almost) is greener, better, yada yada. So first challenge for me, wake up. get up. get dressed. stay awake.

i curse you coffee.

I suppose I ought to go take a shower now. It's quarter to nine am, class is in about an hour. Oh but the bed feels so good. So good that I don't want to get out. Monday morning, how I adore yet loathe you. My weekends are filled with fun times with netball and friends, and yet Monday, you come along and take all the fun away. I love you still -- but only because it means classes start.

Nonetheless, I hate waking up.

I really don't need to think about some things -- but sometimes it can't be helped. It's just me, I think about everything and anything. Problems that effect my friends, affect me. Haha, honestly I shouldn't. I care too much hence, I get affected. It's like a bloody infection that spreads over me and then as a result, I think about it (probably too much) and I ponder on it.


There's this one person here who wasn't even subtle about not talking about me. Can you say asshole? Makes you think though, how can one person you helped sort out their goddamn life drop you like that? I know their secrets, reasons why he's always lashing out -- I know it all. So why the sudden 360 turn around? Maybe some friendships are more important than others, I don't know. All I know right now, is that I'm sick of it and I hope they suffer in their conquest to keep me away.

I am water clogged. I'm on a sudden health kick but it doesn't help because I got a box of Millie's cookies calling my name out downstairs -- no, I didn't buy it but I did ask for it. Ahh, what I wouldn't give to turn back into the shape I was four years ago. I suppose now I just have to work harder for it. I ran into my housemate at the gym -- she goes to work out and I go to have that swim I've been having every morning. Siuk lah, because I don't know anyone and no one knows me so I can just swim without talking to anyone. But god it took me a while to get out of bed this morning, I had to force myself to go to the pool, telling myself if I still don't feel like swimming when I get there, I can do. Hahaha works =))

My new module on Computer Systems started today. Learnt about binary numbers (awu, aku iski!!!) and the history of computers. The module's completely 100% class test which is in 3 weeks so my concerntration levels should be well and rested by then.

My hand's healed nicely by the way. Just two funny looking lines on my palm and other than that, it looks okay? :-D I've been busy as hell, gotta get work done. I love my new course =)

Anyway. talk soon.

love,
y

Just got back from the pool, I'm feeling a little water clogged. Now I'm getting ready to head out and have lunch with pekos at Maxin probably. I don't really like going to that place at the start of the day, probably because it's a) fast food, b) they fry the chicken and stuff -- bebau bah. The oil aroma somehow sticks to your skin, your hair (omg my hairr!!).. and I just washed my hair. sighh.

I went to Nottingham yesterday, met up with an old friend. We watched Eagle eye (lol if you haven't seen it -- I'm spoiling it!!), I think it would have been a better ending if Jerry died.. baru cool. :-) It felt funny, going out without certain people -- being alone with someone new, not doing my usual routine of nothingness. I've been kept busy the past three weeks, supplied with endless pizzas and people answering me at my beck and call. lol.

I'm kind of glad I stepped down, I think if I didn't then I wouldn't have time for all of the things I'm doing right now. It was like walking out of the place I had been most comfortable with -- in a way, I needed to walk out of my comfort zone because it felt crampy in there anyway. I wasn't getting along with the ideas and notions being thrown about, and there was always a conflict of ideas and I admit, I'm not very happy when things don't go my way but I suppose the others felt the same way when their ideas were shut down. So it's a good thing I left when I did.

Funny though, I felt shut out the moment I walked out. It felt weird because I usually knew what was going on and about around here, and they shut me out completely. I didn't know jack and there have been a few times I wasn't happy with that they were doing and how they were doing it. Suppose I should just sit back and watch -- being offered to become advisor was something I couldn't do, not from the way I felt over the whole thing. How can I work with something I didn't believe in anymore? It was still my baby (okay, maybe not just mine but I did keep the damn thing stable) and it was time to just let go and let it grow. Let it go.

I suppose that's what gratitude gets you. No one ever remembers the good things you've done.

With sports, again, shut out. I kind of wonder who's idea it was to forget about me, but now I've made a decision, I'll stick to it. I just hope no one else will regret it. I won't forget because they've simply not reminded themselves of who I am and what I can do.

aahh.. forgive the vagueness. There are many things I'd like to say right now. But maybe next week. Wait til it's all over.

love,

y

It's SO cold. Atu kan aku majal kan balik ke UK. I forget how cold it can get. I'm in the dining room, working on my report due in tomorrow. I don't know how long one answer should be for a question, asked my lecturer about it. How long is a piece of string? He didn't say that really but that's how I would've interpreted it as. Bad news aside.

I've been busy with everything. Like berabis. I haven't had time to be alone - something I think I'm very uncapable of. I'd like to go swimming but timing doesn't ever seem to be right. NYAA. When I'm in the mood, there'll be something on at the pool.. like the Active swim for 50+. If I were 50+, then it'd be okay...... haha, but I'm not! Ohh well. I'll just save it.

My new house is awesome. It's a 5minute walk to the Leisure center - where I should be spending more time in, i.e. gymming, swimming. It was probably a good move for us all to live here.. all six girls, although I don't see much of them. It's like living back in a hall except we don't have a warden to watch over us. Banar. I guess it's okay not seeing people everyday? Sometimes I can go through 2 days not seeing some of them. I see Syer everyday though since I barge (haha) into her room regardless of what state she might be in. One of these days I just might walk in on her when she's dressing.... let's hope that does not happen any time soon.

So. Played netball yesterday - I should have been working on my report but I think it gave me a bit of happiness in the long run because I played more than usual, laughed more than usual. I felt a bit happy. So what if all I get is a few grunts as a substitute of hello? It's okay. I don't mind. Just don't bring attitutes to court. On the court, everyone plays a bit more professionally and take off the childish skin wear and we play. That's what I like about team sports, no matter how much I can not like a person, if I have to work with them in a team - then I'll be a team player. I know not a lot of people can do that, some people still bring their attitudes and judgements on court -- so not professional. heh. It's happened, I've seen it happen. I've done it too but only because another person was acting up and practically rubbing it in. I wasn't too happy about that. Sometimes the only way to solve issues like this is to either walk away or rub back. Most of the time I walk away. Then I go whine at someone who will hopefully just listen. Anyway. Sekalinya aku kan nyanyah. heh.

I've got the week off just to do my report. I've other things that need to be done, like post stuff to my landlord, replace the broken glass pane at the door and so on. Ha. I broke a glass pane the other day (same one as the door), I banged my palm into it and it smashed. What a sight it was to see glass sticking out of my palm. Fortunately I had people that actually cared about me around, they picked up the glass, cleared the hall way and then we found plaster to put on my hand. Not much of a story, but yeah..after all that I went out to watch the boys play football at the park. Menalur banar. I should have gone to the clinic to check if there was still glass in my palm but I didn't. I'm sure whatever's left in my palms gone by now, I've healed quite nicely. Just adds more to the collection of scars on my right arm.

anyway.
back to work.

love,
y.

n507505414_1064012_1582

n507505414_1064012_1582, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Selamat hari raya to mum, dad, ella and the rest of my family and friends.

with love from me in Loughborough,
your daughter, sister, niece, friend and bestfriend.

-y.

ps. that's me and my cousin Basir =)

Oh damn. Lack of updates because of my server's migration to kemana kah. Just got back from Leics for Lina's birthday. Happy birthday lina and shuvvy =) hope both of you had good birthdays.. I'd like to celebrate a fake one next week please.

Decisions. Decisions.

I'm back in Loughborough, words out anyway. Doing a master's degree in Information Technology. Am loving it. My first exam's this coming Monday. I've been busy non-stop learning about html, latex, unix systems..and have learnt that Microsoft isn't as flashy as I had previously thought. Am now totally impressed with Apple. I'd love an iMac. *coughs*

My department has this room reserved for postgrads only, I've been in that room every day exceptt weekends for a minimum of six hours. It's filled with iMacs, 24-inch screens at that. Best part is that it's only for Computer Science postgrads. =)

Fol's in Singapore. Can't believe I don't get to spend another birthday (his, and its the 3rd yr in a row~) not being with him. Have a great weeekend b =) love you.

Am thinking about netball. Wondering who'd like to play for me, with me. Any takers? Just wondering anyway. Doesn't mean it'll happen. Are you reading this?

x

Who are you to judge me on what I do?

Should I really be shut out because of how different I am from you?

What did I ever do to you to deserve all of this?

Maybe it's time to close all the doors.

Thank you for your time.

x

Just over three years ago we watched you fall in love. We followed closely as you let the world spin around you, and eventually you fell from all the dizzyness. We observed quietly as you walked through the Bastard Gates at your new found home, the place where you ended up never really leaving.

Sometimes you'd sit on the grass outside your window, asking yourself it was all worth it. You'd wonder if anyone else knew that your heart was breaking, that everything you had ever known has left you alone. Who are you if what made you what you are has gone? You'd look around, just searching and wishing there was someone you could talk to. Somehow a helping hand came along and brushed your tears away, and there you were, thinking.. 'eh, maybe this is it'. Still you felt empty because you kept longing for what had made you what you were. That helping hand turned away in the end, where did you go next?

They tried to save you, they tried with all their might to protect you. Stubborn, as all those born under the Aries star are, you followed what you felt was right. We watched while you broke away from those we knew loved you, we watched you let someone else take control over your life, thoughts and once more, you're brought to the conclusion of 'maybe this is that happy ending'. Who are you now?

You're young. Life is still beginning for you.

But tell me, who are you now?

So the weekend has started and what have I been up to? I spent my Saturday at the Berakas Forest Reserve and it's hard to believe that I've never been there before. It's a beautiful place and I'm totally grateful to whoever suggested the place :-) The food was great, drinks were endless and the company, well.. they were a fantastic bunch.

At the end of that, I loudly (haha) announced that I am stepping down as of that very Saturday and that Azizul Omar is now the acting chair of LSU Brunei Society. My involvement with the society has been plenty but it wouldn't have been anything if it weren't for the founding committee and also the current committee. So thanks everyone who supported and followed through with my ideas, my thoughts and the way I run things - so thank you, each and every one of you, for putting up with me.

I suppose with all of this.. and at the end of this, I'm in need of a job. Haha. Ladies and gents, I've graduated from Loughborough University with a degree in Mathematics, Accounting and Financial Management with honours. I messed up a few of my last papers but alhamdulillah, things pulled through and I've passed. So, those of you with job openings or in need of a public speaker... haha. I'm here, I'm available.

There's some stuff happening with me that I can talk about yet because I'm scared I might jinx it. Anyway.

So what's new?

I've an in-house guest living with us at Batu Ampar. Mike, one of Fol's classmates from Birmingham, is staying with us until the first week of September and I've taken him to most of the sights in Brunei but we haven't driven down to KB or taken a boat ride to Temburong. I'm flying off to Singapore and KL next week. Singapore for a sort of graduation ceremony from Loughborough University since I skipped my real graduation in UK. Yup, all for a robe, a hat and a cert :)

love,
y

Sometimes outcomes in our lives aren't favourable. It's like having a bad day and it continuing out through the hours. There isn't a gadget that could turn back time so the best you can do with yourself is just work with it and hope things pull though. My days have been long and sometimes I think about what if's. Like what if this had happened instead of that, or what if that didn't happened - what would happen to me then?


In a way, I'm relieved that I'm done with university because Loughborough had too much drama - and I was roped into it. I think too many tears, lies and deceit happened. It got up to a point where I couldn't take it anymore and me ending up begging to my mum to let me come home for Easter.


I got too sensitive this year, everything seemed to get to me especially by those I thought wouldn't hurt me. It's always the least suspecting ones who end up hurting you worse. In the end, I saw true colours. I found out who would have stuck by me through thick and thin, and I found out how assumptions can bring the bad out of others. I think I took too many people for granted and I thought they would always be there for me.


My God, how badly could I have strayed off my path? I was there for all of them when they took their first rounds in, I was part of the group that took a step forward to introduce ourselves.. and look what's it become. You shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you. I feel mauled. Attacked - and even worse, I felt hurt.


I repeat, I got to sensitive this year. I got effected by everything. A complaint. A cry. A hint of sadness. I let it all get to me. I regret getting close to those I shouldn't have and I regret letting things go the way they have. So where do I go now?


I listen. I watched as things unravel. I finally saw what everyone actually thought of me. I would have thought differently but hey, what's a whole group got against me? Sure. We all say sorry in the end, but the damage's done. Who can re-build a building that's collapse with its remains? I don't think you can. One day you'll read this but you won't say a thing - maybe it's guilt or maybe it's because you just feel nothing. I never thought I'd ever see the day when that hidden hate for me finally surfaces and I'm the one who has to suffer all the blows.


I hope, in a way, all of you will find what you are looking for. I'm sorry for the trouble, the worry, the hurt I have caused. I really should stop caring about you because I feel like a pawn being pushed backwards and forwards just to ensure your happiness and you keep saying that you're the only one who's feeling the pull. Believe me, you're not the only one.


oh Loughborough, how you've unhinged me.

Created by OnePlusYou

n597511462_974837_3817, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Exams are finally, finally, finally over.
Alhamdulilah everything has gone smoothly and I hope that it all goes well :)
After my exams finished, Fol, my friends and I went to Nottingham where I played with Topek's camera and took lots of shots. Unfortunately, my flickr account has expired and until I renew it, I will not be able to post up big amounts of photos. So you're just gonna have to wait.

Cheerios,
yxxxxx

to my boyfriend, love from me.

to my boyfriend, love from me., originally uploaded by unangelic.

:)

Breakfast was scrambled eggs with smoked salmon flakes on a baguette slice served with wild rockets and watercress salad.

Thanks baby.

I love you :)

-yx

n507505414_653663_9491, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Tommorrow's exam should be a major headache because I:
a) can't bring myself to concentrate,
b) am somehow convinced this exam is going to be a hard slap in the face,
c) don't think my coursework grade will be able to save me.

I've had two papers so far, one last Tuesday and another today - both Mathematics papers, both so far okay-ish.

Tomorrow's paper is at 9am. It's 9:40pm now. I'm in SMB's computer lab for what's probably the 10th night in a row I've sat here til the wee hours (I didn't come home til 4am last night). I'm exhausted and I wish I could get this all done and over with but it's not going to be over until I actually sit through the exams.

Argh.

I'm sitting my FINALS.

:(

-yx

ps. my flickr pro acount is expiring. Does anyone want to renew it for me? :) *hint*hint*hint* http://www.flickr.com/gift/ :D

IMG00707, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Exams have finally started, after a seven week wait from Easter break. I've always had a dislike for exams, I never never do well.. lol, there's so much untapped "potential" in me that it's not fair to actually sit in exams. I'd like to think I'd do so much better in real life, but maybe that's what everyone says. Aaahh.. exams how I loathe you. It's so hard to believe that three bloody years have gone by and undergraduate life is OVER.

I've six papers to sit for, Lina G (my housemate) has two whereas Syer (my other housemate) has none. I'm stressing out alone here people!

I seriously want to consider doing another degree after this, like full Mathematics or Engineering or something numeric. I've always been good with numbers, I'm horrid at essays. I'm struggling to remember why I've got accounting and finance under my belt in the first place - Oh yes, I wanted to be an accountant. Oh hell, I changed my mind...

Life feels like a big party and all you actually should be doing is having fun instead of wanting to collapse on the floor next to the computer labs. Hence the photo ;p

I have been in the Stewart Mason Building every day for over a week now, sometimes staying here until the early hours. In fact, it's 2am right now and I'm in here with Fifi, Tix, Mu'izz and BJ. I look like hell, as if I haven't slept in days (I have, but I only have about 4 hours of sleep per day.. so bb, when you get here - please don't run away, I'll look better once exams are over :)

I've been thinking about what I'd like to do once I've graduated. One of the options I've really been considering is joining the army - like boot-camp,-get-my-ass-whooped-and-crawl-in-the-mud join the army. I don't know what I'd be like if I worked under another person, I can't really picture it well because well, I prefer to lead as oppose to being lead. Maybe I could start up my own business - I think I'd make a good events orginiser (Lina and Syer think I ought to do weddings, I think I'd rather plan my own first thank you!~). Maybe I ought to think about all of this after exams..

Other than that, to all my friends that are graduating this year: Good luck you guys :) Time has gone by soooo fast.

love,
yx

IMG00746, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Please give me time and strength to get through my final year without prompting the idea of killing myself or better yet, cutting.

Please please please let me get through my final year with a bit of dignity and forgive me for all the sins I've done instead of studying.. I was trying to have a bit of a life but sometimes you forget that you need a balance and oh, I am imbalanced.

Please let me sleep when I need it and help me stay awake when it comes to Management Accounting & Controls and Advance Financial Accounting. We all know how it entertaining it can be but sometimes even entertainment has it's limits.

Please help me remember all those things said in lectures that would be useful in my exam instead of the funny and lame jokes my lectures have said. Oh but they were funny...

Please please please make me feel more ready than I sound.

O dear God, you'll be the first to know if I do anything that I might regret.

Save me.

love,
yasmin.

Paris, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Happy birthday to my beautiful now-twenty two year old best friend who I've just realised as of yesterday is so tiny. Never in the 8 years I've known you have I noticed how you small you are until you've walked in front of me up FOUR flights of stairs. Its because 8 years together you've always been next to me, never in front never behind.. AWWWW

But nonetheless, happy birthday aimi ramlee. enjoy your day.

lots of love,
yx

n617763412_859121_8791, originally uploaded by unangelic.

I've watched you grow and I've seen days when you couldn't get yourself to smile.

Sometimes you'd scrap up some effort to smile just for me even though we both knew your heart wasn't in it.

I've lifted you up and supported all the decisions you made - even if it meant that I had to face a few times alone.

There was so much I wanted for you.

I've shown you endless love and never let our friendship waive.

No matter what I tried to show you, it just couldn't be understood.

I've cried for you through days if not for myself, but for you.

Now there's nothing left except the broken pieces of glass that fell off the shelf.

n508411395_683296_1145, originally uploaded by unangelic.

I wanted a perfect ending.
Now I've learned, the hard way,
that some poems don't rhyme,
and some stories don't have
a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Life is about not knowing,
having to change,
taking the moment and
making the best of it,
without knowing
what's going to happen next.

Delicious Ambiguity.

~Gilda Radner

n710646273_611581_7356, originally uploaded by unangelic.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
- Tennyson

Sometimes life can only give us so much of what we want.

A photo.

IMG00143, originally uploaded by unangelic.

& sometimes you make me so mad
I wanna throw you in the middle of on-going traffic;
but then I realise I'm probably going to kill myself trying to
save you.

Is it broken?

photo removed.
IMG00346, originally uploaded by unangelic.

Okay, this post is going to be very vague. So if I were you, and you don't know me that well then I think you better just look at the photo and move on. Taken today at the EHB Astro turf.

----
I'm known for my temper between friends - I snap too easily and I make quick judgments without thinking it through. I am angry right now, so very very angry. Yet, I'm alone downstairs and I feel so weak.

I hate it. I get frustrated with the way people treat me these days, I feel like an object. Boyfriends seem to be useless because they're wanting to let go - and I'm just (as of the last five minutes) unwilling to hold on. So what is happening between us? I don't know. I'm not in a relationship, I'm not single so I guess that means I'm in fucking void.

Relationships break down, some if not most, because there is no love in it. Sometimes it's because someone cheated - I've never been very proud of my track record, but stupid things just happen and people get hurt. I kind of wonder why I'm the one who's hurting the most. Mistakes are made and I kind of wonder if she's reading this now and if she knows I'm thinking about her. I'm not asking for forgiveness from anyone. I don't regret the mistakes I made but there are times when i regret who I made these mistakes with.

So if that person is reading this, I hope you know that people do move on and I wish you wouldn't treat me any differently than you used to. You act weird around me, probably because you hope that I don't feel anything between us. So, okay. There isn't anything between us - so why do you still act funny? I wish I could just say things out to you but you just stare at me with those blank eyes or try to avoid whatever it is I actually mean that the words never seem to come out right. Honestly, it just never happens. Sometimes I wish I never met you. You filled my head up with words that you never meant (and I know that now because I've actually seen the words written out), I suppose it was a way to play me the way you do. So you won, check mate. So what now?

As for that other person, you know truly well I have so many ways of manipulating that sordid mind of yours. I've changed your password - I'm sure you know how to get it back. I've read through all your messages, like the stalker I am. How many times have I told you I've given up on all of what I've done to you? I have and I was willing to just let it all go until you managed to shove that little reminder of who I am every single day.

Why can't you just leave well enough alone? Things were going fine from what I saw.

IMG00238, originally uploaded by unangelic.

&& just because she comes off
strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying &
even though she acts like there's nothing wrong, maybe. . .
just maybe . . . she's just really good at lying.

I spent my weekend away from Loughborough - took a two and a half hour train ride to Manchester to be with Adeline on the eve of her birthday with a freshly baked cake in hand. Ades and her 'welcoming committtee' were waiting for me when I stepped out of the station doors, it was sweet. All they were missing was a sign that said "YASMIN PATERA" - oh well boys, it's the thought that counts. :-)

Happy birthday my darling girlfriend. You're beautiful, and you grow more beautiful each and every day. I love you. xx

We had dinner at Frankie's and Benny's (did I get it right?), I suffered from bad stomache cramps, probably from yesterday's dinner. Took a bus ride to Ades' hall and waited for midnight to arrive :-) We went on the Manchester eye, you can't see much from the photo I've got above.. it's blurry and it was night time.

I don't have a camera anymore so I don't really know what to do with myself. In fact, there might not be as many pictures for me to upload as before, since the camera doesn't work. The lens has become stuck inside - I suppose it's actually time to get a new camera. I'm looking at sony cybershots but more likely a thinner camera this time round so it'd actually fit my purse with ease. I'm thinking either a black or pink one. We'll see.

Oh, Summer Games updates.. spaces filling up fast. Just under three weeks to go til the deadline! =)

XXX

DSC00374
Originally uploaded by unangelic

This is one of the last few shots taken on my camera before it broke down :(

I've had my PS-150 Sony camera for over 5 years now and it's never let me down before.. sigh, I now no longer have a camera.

But they were beautiful shots while they lasted...

love,
yx

DSC09812
Originally uploaded by unangelic

with lala. pasal ia cute.

kami di thorpe park. yesterday.

i hung out with other people but not her. apakan.

she sleeps in my bed.

....

haahahahahahaha

my birthday week..

The day of my twenty-first consisted of my sister coming back to Brunei at ten am in the morning (she claims that was her present for me), and also having dinner at Ilotus with Fol, my sister and Hanif. My favourite present was the green dress I wore on the night from Fol and Saidon but my favourite moment of the week was when I got to play on the bouncer and feel not so much like a twenty-one year old but more like a ten year old.

The day after my birthday, I celebrated it with my extended family of sorts. There was an endless supply of food, perfectly cooked (thanks b!) and the day was beautiful because I spent two hours playing on the bouncer slide in the rain before the sun finally came out.

The next few days felt like a blur. I had a huge fight with Fol but when I think about it, it's because of him that I've probably survived this far. I don't think anyone else can have it any better and you cannot ask for any more than what I've already gotten from a guy like him. I love you. Thank you for arranging my birthdays :)

I left the following Thursday - back to UK, on the same flight with Wira. I think without his company, I would have died of boredom on the plane and have no one's shoulder to sleep on. haha

Arrived back in Loughborough around 11am the next day, and was greeted by none other than the beautiful Syer who managed to decorate my room with birthday signs and confetti with the help of others (thanks girls :D) and had a committee meeting at 2pm.

5pm arrives and fifi, lala, tick tock + taufiq take me out to town to wander around. Initially I was going to go and buy food but decided against it because I wasn't in the mood..and was very very sleepy. We ended up at Fahmi's house where I fell asleep and was half begging for us to just go home so I could catch up on my sleep.

We didn't get home til half past 8.

I think living with housemates is fantastic. They have no choice but to remember when your birthday is.. and when they have the time for it, they'll throw a party for you. Mine were no different. So thank you Lina and Syer for your efforts in arranging my surprise party although Syer is really really bad at hiding secrets :-P

And b, although you weren't there to surprise me along with the others - your cards came and I got to read them before anything else happened on the day. So thank you for taking the time out to actually mail me something :-) I really wish you were here, although I know you can't be - thank you for making the effort to webcam and call me more often than usual.

So, now thank you to everyone who's greeted me and thought of me on my birthday :)

love,
yasmin
xxxx

My 21st birthday's coming up in a few days. I was actually hoping I could catch a flight out today to go back to UK, but as it turns out.. I'm still here. All tickets ranging from Brunei, Singapore and Malaysia to UK are booked up solid. Any other alternatives are just too expensive because it'd mean buying a whole new ticket to go back, so rather than let anyone else suffer any pain in paying for that, I'm going to stick around.

Last week a fantastic friend took me out for an early birthday lunch, he bought me roses, paid for lunch and we went for a foot massage, then ice cream at Swenson's. The only downside for his part was I brought along a friend, who probably got pampered as much as I did.. right Hanif? haha. But yes, I enjoyed my day even though I got my bad foot touched and pressed by a masseuse woman who seemed to have a fondness in watching me wince in pain.

The first week I spent back was not too bad, I really didn't have any intention of staying in Brunei that long so I didn't plan much out in terms of how I was going to spend my 'week back in Brunei'. I've been back for three Mondays now - and since I'm not doing any sports, you can bet my weight has probably shifted to a higher margin. ha.

My second week though was horrible. I spent the first Sunday confessing all my sins, got duped by someone through sms, got lied to.. all these things happening at once. It felt like the walls were finally going to cave me in for the bad things I've done. I don't regret what I've done though (i'm going to be as vague as possible because it isn't a story i'd like anyone to tell) but I'm sure someone else does.

So anyway. My hair's been cut, dyed and it looks like a mess. I'm in fact, blonde-ish. I don't know. The boys insist its a "nutty" colour, god knows what that means and how gay they are for saying it, but seriously, it looks like my roots are actually the nutty colour and that I'm growing out my dark hair because the roots are blonde-ish and the ends are dark. hahahahaha so okay, you'll see it when I get back. The curls are partly gone because my hair's gotten so short. I can't tie it up properly because some parts are longer than the other. My hair is suppose to keep for another 3 months, so we'll see.

okay. I'm done updating.

I don't hurt so bad anymore.

love,
yx

There's so many things I'd like to say - so many I wish I could say. I don't like feeling the way I do now - not because I've started the motion of feeling sad - it's the idea that I feel pathetic. I always believed that people shouldn't show that they are weak - hence the reason why I don't blog when I'm feeling down.

Today, I feel like I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. I feel alone. I don't like being back in Brunei, but at least I'm back and I'm with my parents. I'm barely talking to my bestfriends, I don't hang out at cafes. I just don't know what to do anymore, so I'm blogging.

I give up. I accept life as it is and I hope no one bothers me and my thoughts anymore.

aku terima.

now can you take this fucking pain away?

That's me giving out my speech during the Chinese New Year/National Day celebration - just 10minutes before my mum called.

This week was made up of the start of semester 2, St. Valentine's day, beautiful roses, new discoveries, lies and just stupidity. Fol sent me a beautiful bouquet of roses - it's gorgeous - for Valentine's day. I gave Lina and Syer flowers and sent my girlfriends' cards and letters. I watched a movie with some girl friends on Wednesday, Thursday saw me having a long day in class and the arrival of my roses sent by Taufiq. I spent Friday night shopping in town and watching movies like Clueless and Mean Girls with the same lovely ladies from Wednesday.

I sat through a first year Math module for Engineering students on Wednesday. They were studying sequences and series - a module I took last year :-) I enjoyed it. Fun would be the word to put it, as it always is when it comes to a subject that you know well.

Saturday was shopping day, in preperation for Sunday (i.e. today's) Chinese New Year and National Day celebration. I spent the rest of the afternoon 'til well in the evening just baking brownies and muffins. I'm quite proud to say that they finished fast during the celebration - but I hope it's not the only thing people can credit me for.

I'm not much of a speech person, I still get jitters whenever I have to make one - regardless of the fact that I probably make announcements to about 20 to 30 people at a time whenever we have sports.. but that's different. I guess I get nervous because I know everyone's watching, everyone's made to listen. It's that "knowing" bit that gets me the way it does, I was shaking pretty hard during the first few lines. I don't usually prepare my words when it comes to events - I prefer just talking off the top of my head which usually leads to repeatition and the beautiful sound of idiocracy but it works because it's me. Today, I prepared a speech for LufBru. I spoke it out, nervously at first. We watched the video of it just now - I was very nervous. I couldn't calm down. You'd think I'd be used to it now. I still feel scared every time.

The LufBru committee put in a lot of effort to the CNY/National Day celebration today. We planned it out for two weeks running - unlucky for us that the projector was a bloody mess and people started heckling. I felt hounded because I was the one sitting next to the laptop - I didn't like the comments being made. I let a number of things just slip off my shoulder but sometimes I do listen and at times I do take them straight to the heart. Smart ass comments won't get anyone anywhere. So why did they bother?

Yet again I felt like an outsider looking in.

I really don't deserve to stay in Loughborough anymore. I really don't know if I still want to.

I love prize presentations. I love events. I organised most of netball day for LufBru - it had me exhausted at the end of it but I loved it.

That's me presenting Hao with his first place medal.

Yeah, one day I'm going to make it big.

:)

love,
yasmin.
XXX

In less than twenty-four hours from now, I'll be sitting for my last paper :-) then I get just over a week off to bum around and play with my new Sims cd. HA. I can not wait. Today was my only 3 hour exam on sources of funds/financial packages. It was funny because everyone else in the exam hall only had a 2 hour exam, so it was just us in the back corner of a 700+ capacity exam hall. When I looked up at the end of 2 hours, everyone else was getting ready to leave - my group was still scribbling away and when everyone left, it was weird looking at the empty seats.

Anyway, watched 2 movies today as soon as I got home; the Perfect Man (Hillary Duff; I've seen it but forgot..so I ordered it again from Amazon rentals) and Knocked-up (that girl from Scrubs, can't remember her name). It's nearing 6pm and I haven't cracked open my folders yet, I never seem to be in the mood to study after an exam (can't blame me! I just stressed myself out for 3 hours - too much thinking!). Argh. Should really start soon.

I'm thinking about going down to Kent for a few days to visit my sister, it's a 4 hour drive/train ride. The boys (who I think are still coming?) and I still haven't decided whether we'll take the train or not. It's just a matter of waiting for one to finish his exam *cough*Taufiq*cough* and the other to decide if he's coming or not. But either way, if we drive: Mr. T is driving :-P

So tomorrow.. I can not wait.

I am currently on my bed, typing away on my laptop whilst trying to remember the Extreme Value Theorem (this probably means nothing to you unless you do maths and have an analysis exam with me on Thursday). Anyhoo it says, EVT - Suppose that the function f:[a,b] is continuous on [a,b]. Then f is bounded on [a,b] and attains its maximum and minimum values. I'm suppose to remember the proof of this: it's two pages long and has another similar theorem I'm also suppose to know by heart - The Intermediate Value Theorem (I know this one by heart - spent a few hours trying to understand it; and I really really do now hah!).

Started writing a letter last night for Fol. Don't think he'll receive it on time for our anniversary; in 4 days it'll be three years. He says it's not much - we've still a long way to go. Happy advance anniversary my darling. I love you. x

Exams are coming to an end, I've got two papers to do: Sources of Funds/Financial Packages and Analysis. The first on Wednesday at 9am (three hour paper, woopah!) and the latter on Thursday in the afternoon. Others don't finish til a week after - so I'll should try my best not to disturb those who still have exams *cough*Lina*cough*Taufiq*cough* :-P ya right!

Sweeney Todd's out - Johnny Depp. Yummy and it's a musical. Double bonus. Tim Burton movies are always awesome, my favourite being Edward Scissorhands & the Tim Burton's Corpse Bride; least was Mars Attack! I like musicals. They're uplifting - it makes you want to sing. Haha.

I keep telling Syer and Lina we should book tickets early for London and catch a play or something. Oh, but we're such procrastinators - it's horrible how slow we are at things. I think though, eventually, before the year is out we'll get around to getting tickets. Lazy. I find plays fascinating, I can't act to save my life - but I enjoy watching them; school plays, productions, musicals, all that (but mostly musicals). My sister, Ella, acts (sings too at random moments and on cue). She always makes a face whenever I don't turn up to her plays. Heh, she's not doing this kind of thing in UK, probably due to lack of time and her being too lazy to join a club (you hear that Ella? :-P)

Anyway, just thought I'd type something up. I'm going to go finish writing my letter now.

love,
yasmin.
XXX

He's in transit in Dubai now, Saifol is. It doesn't feel like he's left because it seems like he's off to London and will be back the next day. That's a lie to myself by the way, it's so that I don't feel so down now that he's actually gone.

Mus (who insisted last night I update my link to his website, check him out :p) accompanied me to the airport to send Fol off, we left Loughborough at 430am. I was worried I got the time mixed up with the taxi man, terrified that he might have thought I wanted him to pick us up at 430pm instead of am. Luckily he came literately two seconds before I dialed his number. Nyah.

So after the airport, we used the tube to St. Pancras.. took a good hour but saved us what? ~£14 each as opposed to using the Heathrow Express. We had time to kill anyway. Arrived at St. Pancs, bought our tickets, literately RAN to get on the train with Mus going, "JUST GET ON!" I've forgotten how much fun I can have with him, probably because he rarely comes around to my house anymore. I don't go to his because its...too... far. I don't go that direction very much anyway (he lives near the library) :-)

My housemates were surprised to see me home so early (I got home about noon-ish), I looked exhausted. Took a bath and plunked myself in front of the TV to unwind and I've been here since.

I feel like going out.

I miss him already.

love,
yasmin.
XXX

Just sat my first exam today, another one tomorrow - the worst paper I'm ever ever going to sit for in my entire life, i.e. vector spaces. What annoys me most is that it's a second year module. I'm a third year and I can't cope with a bloody second year module, how the hell am I going to cope with next semester's 3rd year modules? Poop. One thought that keeps it all merry though, is that the paper I just sat for (literately 46 minutes ago!) was a 3rd year module so I guess it was okay. Maybe it's just me. I know I'm not suppose to hate some things but I want to say it out and say it loud: I hate vector spaces - linear algebra is ~okay, provided we don't do the vector spaces bit because I really really don't get it. The same goes with Statistics (passed that one in first year!), Probability theory (that was absolute rubbish considering I didn't understand jack-shit on the paper... but I did well in class, funny eh?) and what was that other module I did last year? Oh yes, Statistical modelling (I amazingly just passed that one).

Browsed through some postgrad courses in Loughborough, I know I've been saying I don't want to think about it until the end of the month - when my exam's finish - but there's so much that needs to be done, like getting offer letters, sorting out the ATAS application form and so on. I'm trying to figure out who my other referee should be though considering the only lecturer I'm close to would be my tutor.

With Taufiq

Saifol's still in Loughborough, he's going back to Brunei on Wednesday - I wish I could go with him. It's kind of tempting to want to go home considering I've got more or less 2 weeks before semester 2 actually starts - but I'll save that thought for another day. We rented this really nice car over the weekend, it's a vauxhall (?) and is an open roof. I'm not allowed to rent cars until I'm twenty-one but I managed to clarify that with the car rental guy who says that as soon as I turn twenty-one I can rent a car. So to elaborate that even further, I asked "What about the day after my birthday? Can I rent a car then?" - "Absolutely".

:-)

Fol's been filling up the fridge up with food - loads of it, my housemates are well pleased though. We can barely put any left-overs in. Sad thing though is that he's only gotten his cooking mood back just last week; he's been here for over a month! So we've only been able to get just over a week's worth of delicious cooking from the Chef. I've been cooking on days he's not around, but when he is in the house: I've made a point to make sure he shuts his mouth and not "spoil" my cooking by trying to add numerous things like paparika, basil and so on when it's not needed - I call it "spoil", he says it's an "improvement". Alas, there are just some things we can't argee on.

He took me to Cheshire Oaks during the holidays, we went with a few friends. I didn't get much except for a few polo shirts from Ralph Lauren; Fol went on a shopping splurge - more for him than me. We came to a discussion the other day, wondering if our friends would be our "friends" if we don't treat them the way we do? I read in a magazine the other day on how to find out who your true friends are, it said "fuck up and see who's still standing with you". Well, can't do that any time soon, can I? I've got a career to plan out!

Saturday night was great for me because it was the first time in a loooonnng time that my housemates and I sat down and watched TV together: Sense & Sensibility, the BBC series. I made fish pie for dinner - went down well. He can't stop talking about how much he loves it :-) Usually (lately and right now in fact!) I'm the only one in the living room, doing my thing - either studying or watching a bit of C4 or ITV. I can't study in my room, it's a mess at the moment with clothes sprayed everywhere - not my mess. The living room's always in tip top condition because everything has it's place. I've got too much junk in my room that needs sorting out.

With Lina and Syer.

Anyway - 3 minutes to 5pm now, I ought to get some revision done.

love,
yasmin
XXX

This year's resolution is part of the usual:

• study smart
• work hard
• spend less (food not included!)

Happy new years people, and happy belated birthday to Fets. Happy advance birthday to Mustanir (3rd), Aslin (4th), Nac (5th) and my daddy (6th) :)

love,
Yasmin.
XXX