you know who broke my heart?

I keep thinking things are going to be okay, that I'll get over my pain and emotions eventually. I keep thinking that, and the more I think about it.. the more indenial I sound. Screw it lah. I'm not over anything, I know I've started taking those small baby steps.. but every step I take forward, I'd end up taking two steps back. In the end, I'm somehow back where I started.. and when I get the strength to move on again, I'll wind up doing the same thing and hurting the people I love and care about.

Maybe you're not getting a thing what I'm saying because you don't know the story behind it.. and I don't think you should.. this post isn't dedicated to everyone.. its for a someone..

I want to be happy..but staying this way is all that there is to it.. it's just going to hurt me more if we just continue on as nothing's wrong.

get out.

I woke up this morning, actually feeling relieved that I slept the whole night through without waking up. My head feels a lot clearer and I know I have less worries compared to the amount of troubles I've been having the past few days. My last update was four days ago, and even then I didn't really have much to say.. probably because I didn't.

I, I don't know why
Why you need some reason to feel lost inside
You, you know that I'm alright
You know that I'm just the kind of girl that feels so hurt and smiles

Oh man, I'm drowsy right now. I wish I could just go back to sleep, but today is really hot.. I've got the airconditioning on, as well as the fans. Haiz, but it's still hot and I can just feel my body wanting to sweat. It's the 29th today, meaning in less than 24 hours, I'll be back in the old grind of every day rants of school and every day bitching of pain in the neck jerks. But I'm not really like that, Aimi and I made a pact to try to stop gossipping about people.. it's not a good habit, so it must be broken.

I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time
So get out of my face
Don't even try
You wanna help me, just let me cry

I went down to KB on Wednesday night, I was out with my mum and sister earlier in the day.. I can't really remember what we did. To be honest, I have no idea. Haha. Or wait.. I think mum, sis and I watched aku No. 1 at the Mall Cineplex. I've been watching movies a lot with my mum huh? The movie was good, hilarious at that. The audience interacted with the movie..haha which was another funny thing about how malay people watch movies.. they talk. Haha. Sometimes they repeat what the characters say, or they imitate them.. lol, or even say their opinion out loud. It's funny. And I admit that I am part of the guilty party.. but it didn't annoy all the other partons because they'd be doing something similiar..haha It was all in fun anyway :) After the movie, mum and I went to buy the skirt I liked at Bingo. haha It's white with black flower prints. :D

Yeah I loved you all my life
You don't even know a thing I feel inside
No, by the look in my eye
That I'm just fine but I might need you to hold me tight

The trip to KB wasn't that long, it took us about an hour or so and Chelle's house wasn't that hard to find.. it was all about going straight (that is, if you knew where you were going..haha) I picked up Aimi at about 5+, mum dropped me off at her place first so I could change. Then she came back about 30minutes later with my dad to pick me up. lol, we didn't get lost looking for Chelle's house..hehe its biggg.. lol. When we arrived, Adeline, Rachael and Randy were already there. We arrived at seven-ish, and the food was great..hehe so delish =D BIRTHDAY GIRL WAS EIGHTEEEEENNNNN ehehe mwah. We left at about 9plus, dad decided to drive slowly..haha so we got back around to dropping Aimi off around 10:20pm. We arrived home at 11:15 maybe, I don't remember.. lol.

On Thursday, I stayed home all day.. I went out at night to watch AVP with Hiang, Fidz and her friend. The movie was gorry and ugly and horrible. lol But I liked it. Haha. Fidz and I went all "ewww" "omg" and stuff..hahaha sheesh. My darling came at 8 when the movie started at 730 =P haiz. We went to Coffee Zone after the show and hung out with Hafiz, Zaza, Ali, Syai and the brother.. Airul came a bit after. I had to force my sister to go home because she didn't want to..haha Oh oh.. and I also saw Nizam (after three years of hosting his site) for the first time in the flesh..hahaha

On Friday, I had full intentions of staying home and just bumming around.. but after much presistence from my sister who managed to convince my parents to take her to school to buy school uniforms and etc, we ended up spending time in Gadong.. I didn't eat because I had a headache. There was some sort of inforama going on at the Ground floor of the Mall. My sister wanted to play pool, and I didn't. So we compromised and I went to Coffee Zone, while Mum, dad and sis went to Arena to play pool. I saw Maya, Aisya, Khalid and a bunch of other people there.. I even saw Kaka Fany =D I went to eat at McD's with Maya. I ran into Randy there, gave him a biggg hug. After a while, Hafiz texted me and said he was coming to Gadong with Zaza. So they met up with me while I was at zone. After a big blow up in a phone call, I cried.. threw my phone across the table, which Hafiz catched. Heh, Zaza and Hafiz spent the whole night trying to cheer me up. I felt heaps better after that.. I went home around 8plus, mum and dad came to pick me up after they had dinner with my sister at Escapade.

I think I slept at 3am in the morning that day, haha I stayed on chatting with Hiang, Adeline, Rachael and etc. I woke up at 8:30am the next day.. my grandmother started calling the house at 7am. MY GOD. The phone was in my room! BLAAA.. I saw my darling at 11am in Gadong. lol, he claims to be on holiday..whatever lah =P He was with Leslie, and we went to Zaza so I could make an appointment to do my hair around noon. Hehe, I had breakfast at the food court Mall.. After that they dropped me off at Zaza again, and I did my hair..hehe I've got black and blonde streaks in my hair now.. :) I steamed it too. lol. I absolutely adore my hairdresser..hahaha I don't know why. I stayed in the salon for almost 3 hours before going down to Coffee Zone to meet up with my sister. I was suppose to meet up with my boyfriend, but he took a while to get to Gadong and I got impatient and left. haha I went to see Rachael at DBliss above KFC..hehe I got bored and was hungry so I called my mum to pick me up because I didn't think Rach was going to be done anytime soon.. so yeah, instead of having lunch.. mum and dad picked me up and we went home. My relatives from KL stopped by to say hi and check the house out..hehe I had fun. After that, mum and dad sent me back to Gadong so I could meet up with Rach again. We hung out until 8plus before Titz (did I mention he has a new ass spanking layout? check him out!), Ade and Eddie joined us at the Mall. But then, my parents watched a movie that ended around 8:45pm so Rach and I had to leave shortly after because I was sending her home.

I got home at about 10pm, and took a niccee long shower. I had my dinner before going upstairs and then went online. I think I stayed on until past 2am. I can just hear the zit fairy coming..hahha sheesh. I should start sleeping early. School starts tomorrow.. I've been at home all day, I took a shower as soon as I woke up around 9:30am. I was suppose to go to a wedding in Tutong, but that got cancelled.. we might go to Tutong later though to say good bye to my relatives from KL and say hi to my grandmother..and get kicked by my small cousins..haha After my shower, I changed back into my pjs..and here I am.. still in my pjs. I just can't be bothered to wear anything else..haha.. chatting with Hiang and Fidz now.. I was chatting to Rz earlier, I miss the guy a lot. We were talking about relationships and how much our friendship has grown over the past 6years.

and now I have a headache again :(

love,

yarz.

someone out there..

someone
is very proud of you

someone
is thinking of you

someone
cares about you

someone
misses you

someone
wants to talk to you

someone
wants to be with you

someone
hopes you aren't in trouble

someone
is thankful for the support you have provided

someone
wants to hold your hand someone hopes everything turns out all right

someone
wants you to be happy

someone
wants you to find them

someone
is celebrating your successes

someone
wants to give you a gift

someone
thinks you ARE a gift

someone
hopes you are not too cold, or too hot

someone
wants to hug you

someone
loves you

someone
wants to lavish you with small gifts

someone
admires your strength

someone
is thinking of you and smiling

someone
wants to be your shoulder to cry on

someone
wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun

someone
thinks the world of you

someone
wants to protect you

someone
would do anything for you

someone
wants to be forgiven

someone
is grateful for your forgiveness

someone
wants to laugh with you about old times

someone
remembers you and wishes you were there

someone
is praising God for you

someone
needs to know that your love is unconditional

somebody
values your advice

someone
wants to tell you how much they care

someone
wants to stay up watching old movies with you

someone
wants to share their dreams with you

someone
wants to hold you in their arms

someone
wants YOU to hold them in your arms

someone
treasures your spirit

someone
wishes they could STOP time because of you

someone
praises God for your friendship and love

someone
can't wait to see you

someone
wishes that things didn't have to change

someone
loves you for who you are

someone
loves the way you make them feel

someone
wants to be with you

someone
is hoping they can grow old with you

someone
hears a song that reminds them of you

someone
wants you to know they are there for you

someone
is glad that you're their friend

someone
wants to be your friend

someone
stayed up all night thinking about you

someone
is alive because of you

someone
is remorseful after losing your friendship

someone
is wishing that you would notice them

someone
wants to get to know you better

someone
believes that you are their soul mate

someone
wants to be near you

someone
misses your guidance and advice

someone
values your guidance and advice

someone
has faith in you

someone
trusts you

someone
needs your support

someone
needs you to have faith in them

someone
needs you to let them be your friend

someone
will cry when they read this..

Well, I know I did. Haiz.. thank you to the sender.. and yes, it did make me cry.

--- Anyway, moving on to what I'm suppose to blog.
Okay, I am one of the most professional people you will ever meet. How many people do you know are able to blow things up in their room without realizing it? hehehe. I haven't posted for about a day or two, yes and I'm very sorry. I blew up my espeed2 modem, and I did manage to get it exchanged the next day. Unfortunately, the ethernet card refuses to work.. and I think I managed to blow that one up too. If people can't remember, or if you're new.. I managed to blow up my external modem, cd burner and a bunch of other things during the previous few years.

I'm online, using a netkad.. and I will try and get my pc fixed as soon as possible because I'm working on a new layout (because I got bored and didn't have internet..). I'm whining about it a lot because I'm unable to chat with my boyfriend, play neopets and check my mail.. hrr.. I'm not happy. Not a single bit. Well, something good did come out of it..hehehe the boyfy actually called me up for once. haha no, make that three times :P

I went out yesterday with my mum. We watched Stephford Wifes at the Mall. It's a funny show actually, I liked it and had the typical predictable ending. Haha. There wasn't much to my day really, mum and I went to check out Iwalk, this new shoe store at the Mall and also this new clothing store called Bingo. I tried on a couple of tops and skirts, and I did find a few that I liked. Unfortunately for me, I'm kinda low in funds right now..hehe

Alien VS. Pred starts on Wednesday night. I'm going down to KB to Michelle's BBQ party with Aimi. Probably meeting up with Adeline, Rachael and Ranz there too. Hopefully (I'm sure it will anyway), it'll be a blast. I think I'll be watching AVP on Thursday. :) Yaye.

I stayed home the whole day today, despite the fact that I've been annoying my mum to go out. Haha, I watched Intorable Cruelty on DVD. Catherine Zeta-Jones is so pretttyyy.. haiz. The movie was nice, I like it a lot.

Mum was clearing up the boxes around the house, and unpacking plastic containers that contain a whole bunch of stuff, ranging from CDs, books to clothes and etc. I found one of the cds I used to play with on my old PC.. Dr. Brain. Hrr, it's fun. I'm playing with it again now, so far I've managed to win (and achieve 100%) in three different levels. I think Mum and I threw out a whole big box of CDs that neither she or I want to ever listen to again because as Mum says, after hearing Broery Marantika on the Hi-Fi, everyone else sucks. lol.

I was talking to mum yesterday, and on the way home while we were passing through Jalan Telanai, she started talking about Inflation, the Ups and Downs of the economy, the potential GDP (gross domestic product..hehe) rate of America and also, the interest rates there. Guess what? I learnt that USA had their lowest interest rate ever since 40plus years ago, at a surprising 1.0%. And it's begun to increase of course, over time and it is now increased to a nice 1.5% as of now since 30th of June 2004. However, that's still low because Mum says the normal interest rate for USA is like 3-4%. Nice right? I also learnt that the potential GDP (that's different from the actual GDP alright) for USA is 3.5%. See mum, I do listen and I do know what you were talking about yesterday. She keeps telling me that I have to get up to date with what's happening in the world's economy and how it'll positively or negatively effect everything. Haiz. lol :) Sorry if you don't understand any of this, but I find it all so fasinating. All the numbers and the rise and fall of exchange rates.. it's just so much fun. haha

While I'm sure other mothers' talk to their daughters about the challenges of life, well.. my darling dudettes, it doesn't get any better than this. Haha. Don't get me wrong, I do talk to my mum about problems I face with friends and school. Let's face it, all of us somehow always manage to end up experiencing more or less of the same thing.. and our mums' are usually the ones who have gone through it so they ought to know how to handle it better than we would because, well.. they've had more time to think about it..hehe to ponder (or even regret) about it.

I just remembered that Adeline managed to write up a LONG comment yesterday.. luv, I think you're nutty.. but I love you anyway. I didn't go out with whoever you thought I was going to go out ..hehehe I haven't seen my darling since Saturday I think. :P As a matter of fact, I've been spending a lot of time with my mum lately. Oh and as for the starving myself bit..hehe it was a bet okay? I lost. Haha I've been eating sardine non-stop for the past week. It's sardines everyday baby! hahaha I don't know what's up with me .. eating sardine with rice. Oh, but it's so delicious that it feels sinful. Haha I love you too Adeline Yeo Patera, and I love Rachael Patera Ng as well. I miss you both very much. mwah. xoxo

Eh, Hiang. I miss you. Haha.

much love,
yarz.

hunger pains.

I haven't eaten a proper meal for two nights now. I made a bet not to eat for three days, ahh.. two more food-less days to go. Rz wrote me two testimonials, and I don't think it's finished..haha cz some parts of it don't look finished. But it's seriously sweet. I quote:

"knowin u has taught me one thing, never call someone a bitch unless u know someone .. hahah im just sayin whats outside doesnt exactly determine ur inside.. n uve proven to me that ur just as beautiful inside as u are outside :)"

Thank you babyjoe, I really appreciate it. I'm getting tears in my eyes just reading it. I love you babe :) I was just messing around this morning, I woke up thinking "shit, I'm still alive." I don't look forward to the next day because I just don't. Having best friends like Rz, makes me appreciate life a bit more because it's people like him who cheer me up on my bitter days and he's always been there when I needed him cz he's just a goddamn sms/email/phone call away.. even though he's living in Pakistan, we still have the miracles of the world's everchanging technology to keep us together.

I was out with my mum and sister yesterday, we caught a movie around noon. It was seriously hilarious, and it was a Malay movie featuring Aznil Nawawi and Azwan Ali. They're a funny bunch, them and their crew. With broken english and the dumbest lines.. haha Aku No. 1.. I'd recommend it to anyone who can understand malay. Haha because it is really funny.

After the movie, I met up with my boyfriend and we walked around Gadong a bit before stopping into Coffee Zone to join Hafiz and his sister, Zaza. Those two are funny. Hahaha After that we went back to the Mall and took another walk around.. yes I have no other place better to go.

I watched yet another movie, open water? Okay, here's a fact: It sucked. Haha probably the dumbest movie I've seen based on true events.. how would they know what happened if the ending happened?!!! BLAAAHH.. I so want to spoil it for everyone. Oh and the girl looks ugly in the movie cz the salt water makes her look old.. muahaha

Anyways, I'm chatting with Azrul now.. he's an old classmate from PGGMB. I haven't seen him in agesss..

I'm out.

love,
yarzie.

Oolala.. haha <3

I wanna learn how to play the piano. I'm so jealous of Delta Goodrem. She's so pretty. I want to be pretty too. :( *sniff* Haha I just checked my horoscope for today, and it's telling me not to involve myself in people's problems and to try to ease any disappointments by making amends.

Speaking of disappointments, ALL of my results are up and published today. In total and overall, I have 5 AS results, 3B's, 1C and 1E. The break down for Maths is ABD, that's been averaged out to a nice B. General studies was nice, I didn't expect to pass..haha but the break down was ACE, which gave me another nice B.

As for business studes, the break down was ABD which also gave me a nice generous B to my lovely collection of B's. ;) I'm yet to question the modules that I've received D's or lower in.. but we'll bitch about that when I get back to school because I know I'm gonna get lectured by a number of teachers <3.

My AS accounting exam which was pretty okay besides the last question which was utter bullshit because I only had a rough idea of what they were asking and well, the other kids (other THREE students) had a hard time answering it as well. The multiple choice I sat through was alright I suppose, the questions weren't hard but they weren't that easy either. I had to change most of the answers I wrote down the first time because after 30 minutes, that's when your brain actually starts to gear up properly. I answered the MCT with the first answers in 30minutes, but after going through them again.. I realize most of my answers were far from perfect. Other than that, and after re-doing and rubbing out the wrong answers, I think I did pretty well. The structured questions however, a.k.a. paper 2 AS accounting was blegh. The first question was about ratios, which I had already learnt by heart back in the IGCSE days of accounting about two years back. Thank god for that. Then there were the 'comment on your findings' part and there were things like what are the advantages and disadvantages of rations. Yup, did that. Hopefully that stuff allowed me to score close to perfect marks. The second questions, which Brandon and I had hoped to come out was the partnerships. I'm not sure, but I think I mixed up my balances and forgot where I should put my salary in the current accounts.. blegh. I don't know eh. Hopefully, it'll turn out okay. I hope and I'll pray that I do because I didn't exactly get ANY time whatsoever to recheck my answers. The last 30 minutes of my 90 minute exam was spent on the hird? and final question which was about comparison of options and finding profits or the company it was talking about. Yes, that was the one that I think is utter bullshit because I cannot believe that I spent 30 WHOLE minutes just trying to finish it up. I didn't even get a CHANCE to go through my other previous questions to check if my answers were okay or not. I didn't even get a chance to CHANGE ny of the answers that I had rethought about. Blegh, it was utter utter crap. - 4th June 2004.

lol. I ranted a lot in there about my exam. Haha, that was like 3 months ago! I guess I was really pissed off. Sooo.. as a result, I got a C. What in the WORLD?! Haha. Oh well.

So I dyed my hair right. It looks so ultra light, haha. I took this cam photo last night while camming with my darlz. I found out that he keeps the cam size in LARGE.. shit, I think I look ugly, but whatever. haha MSN Messenger's cam size in large is freaking huge. lol, and all this time I thought he kept it at medium size.. apalah. Anyway, I wonder if I'll be able to get away with the colour in school.. lol what do you think?

I'm going out tonight, it's Randy and Shawn's co-joined leaving party. Two of my favourite people from school are leaving :( So sad..haha they're both leaving to Canada to do some sort of Science course.

Randy, of course, has a scholarship there.. so I wish him luck and all the best. As for Shawn, good luck dear. I wish you the best :) Remember us here in Brunei, especially me because I'm gorgeous ;D ehehe.

Unfortunately, Rachael and Adeline aren't going to make it to the party since Adeline's in Singapore and Rachael's leaving to KL tonight. It sucks, but hey .. :) that's life. We'll just have to have a private party for Ranz. Hehe, one last party for the 3bumz and 1boob.

I'll miss you Randy Lim. xoxoxo

Ranz, Ade, myself and Rachael at Taurean. :)

Anyways, I'm gone. :)

love <3,
yarz.

If I can go..

One of the things I haven't done for a while with a lot of people (i.e. Rachy, Una, etc) would be to sit down and chat. You know, like to catch up on what's been up and what's going down.. or whatever it is people talk about.

I have a headache and I'm drowsy.. I'm feeling very depressed and low right now, and I'm not really that sure why. My exam results should all be out today for all 5 subjects I sat this year. My math results are out from the OCR examination board, I got an overall B average for it :) I'm not that happy about it because I know I could have done better. My AQA results aren't out yet, that's another three subjects.

As for my CIE result, that's my Accounting examination board, i managed to get a C which I know must have disappointed a lot of people, including myself so I have a lot to say about that. I want to re-sit the exam, maybe it was a bad day..maybe they didn't check properly, but over all.. I guess I screwed up. C is not even close to what I am capable of for Accounting. Geez.

So, that's two out of five subjects done and over with. I've got three more to wait for.. I wonder how much longer it's going to take.

I'm chatting with Brandon and Eng Hock now. B and I are discussing examination results and how lucky we are to be this years A level batch because next years year 12's won't be able to get resits or so he tells me. Haha. Eng Hock and I are talking about Randy and Shawn's co-joined party tomorrow night in Gadong. I'm not sure if I'm still going or not because I have to re-check with my mum and if I go, I'll probably pick up Aimi along the way. Titz should be going with me as well.. :)

Oh, when I slept over Adeline's house, I forgot to mention some details. I slept at 3:30am or something late like that, did I mention what I was doing? I don't think I did. Titz and I went downstairs and cooked sardines and experimented cooking veggies with eggs and oyster sauce. HAHA. Ade kept saying that she didn't know if it was nice or not, but she gobbled it up anyway.. lol, don't lie luv, you liked it but you didn't want to admit it. hehe :P

I watched Collateral with Rachael, Titz and Eddie yesterday at the Mall. So kasian Eddie, his girlfriend is out of the country and he's lonely. Hahaha "my gf is shopping in Singapore, she forgot about me." lol lol lol. Wellll.. Adeline Ng, your boyfriend misses you. Haha. After the movie we went to eat at McDonald's. Eddie left shortly after because he wanted to go to Bukit Shahbandar with his family.

Rachael's mum gave me a ride to my mum's office at Commonwealth walk. Then, I had to wait downstairs at the lobby for like 30minutes before she actually came down. Blah. I saw my uncle there too, its funny how my mum and him work in the same building..hehehee yet they seldom see each other. Anyways, dad picked us up around 6:45pm and we went to the pasar malam in Gadong.

I think we came home around quarter to 8pm. I took a shower and came online. I stayed on until past midnight even though I promised my darlz I wouldn't..hehe whoops :P I'm sorry, but I did go to bed soon after. I had a late dinner aroud 10:45pm. Alisa and Zatie slept over, they're so noisy..haha, I caught Zatie and my sister eating rambutans under the stairs.. they're such a weird bunch these three.

Ohhh.. I miss Nicole and Eileen for some reason. We have got to hang out some time..lol :) Hahaha. Michelle's birthday is this Wednesday. A whole bunch of us will be coming down from Bandar to go to KB to celebrate with her.. (if I can find a BIG van that is..hehehehe).

This koko Thompson ah, haha it's like he has nothing better to do than to flatter me. :P

-PRINCE- +t0m+ =Let's Go PARTYING= +Trance+ http://www.kicker.com/ says:
ur the girl wit the smile that everyone wants

yasmin. // the girl with the broken smile.. says:
right.

okay.

I'm gone.
mwah.

love,

yasmin patera.

xoxox

Finally back again. hrr..

I'm at Adeline's house now, she's not here because she left about an hour ago to go to the airport.. SHE WENT TO SINGAPORE and left me and Rachael here while we were still half-asleep. hehehe It's okay lah, we practically live here so the maids are cool with it. RIGHT? lol. oh well, not like they're gona be reading this.

I wanted to post on Monday but I couldn't think of anything to say.. and on Tuesday, but then after that I couldn't be bothered to think of anything to type up.

I'm with Rach now, we're both online.. she's using the desktop pc and I'm using the lap top. We miss Adeline already.. huuu~ Okay, let's recap. What have I been doing. Hehe.

... darlz

Sunday, 15th August 2004
I stayed home the whole day until early in the evening cz I had a date with my darlz and his friends to watch the Village. The movie overall was okay, and the ending was unexpected so if you have a good movie and the ending sucked.. I'd say the whole movie would suck. Haha.

So childish, I know. I liked the early parts of the movie, up to the end.. but the ending seriously was unexpected, so I didn't like it. Haha.

After the movie we went to TPH in Kiulap for dinner.. There were four of us, so we walked around Hua Ho and then drove down to the dvd/vcd store near C.A. Muhammad. I got picked up from there and went shopping with my Mum and sister in Kiulap.

When I got home, it was already about 11+ and I think I stayed up until 2am or something playing neopets online..hehe :)

Monday, 16th August 2004

This was the day Abang Yusrin O. turned 18 and Yazid Azahari turned 17. So here's some shout outs to those two.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABANG RIN!!!!

xoxoxo

HAPPPY BIRTHDAY YAZDI!!

:P xoxo

So a very happy birthday to both of you. Anyways, I stayed home the whole day with my Mum. She wants me to make cookies for her soon.. haiyoh.

I realize this year is my last Hari Raya in Brunei before I start University next year. Way cool. lol. I watched Main in Manhattan twice with my mum. Oh yeah, I dyed my hair. It's so light now, lol I don't know how I look.. but some people don't like it :S Hrr.. I don't care lah, I like it so stop trying to make me lose confidence in myself. Nyah. It looks blonde-ish, kind of like Beelz's old hair colour..haha It's suppose to be golden brown.. I'll post it up when I find time.

I learnt that my sister can't sleep until she plays some sort of online game before she goes to bed.. weird. Haha. I stayed up again until late, I don't know what time..but I'm pretty sure it was around 2am.

I was chatting with my darlz, Ade, Rach and Eddie online to make plans about the next day..

I made Azee a fansign <3.

Tuesday, 17th August 2004

Shout outs to FEE FEE of SHITLOAD who turns 18 on this very day. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE! Anyway, I stayed home that morning .. and after trying to convince my mum for about two hours to send me to Gadong, she finally gave in and allowed me to sleep over at Adeline's house. Yaye.

I went to Gadong with my mum, we bought some stuff at Aussino. Rach, Ade and Eddie finally met up with me at about four plus. The original plan was to meet up at the Mall around 2:30, then we postponed it to 3pm. In the end, being the lazy slow butts that they are, they showed up at 4+. Hahaha

We had a late lunch at the food court before going down to buy some Patchi chocolates (for me! :P). Hehe, then we went to pick up Eddie's little brother at St. Andrews before sending him to his grandmother's house in Kiarong. Lalala.. after that we went to Adeline's house.

We changed, I went online while the others went downstairs to play basketball before I got called out to join them. I played for about 15-20 minutes and teamed up with Rachael against Adeline and Titz.. Didn't sweat that much anyway..haha

Then we got ready to go to Ade's grandparent's house down Tungku Link to have dinner. We ate and ate and ate.. Titz challenged me to a pool game next door so we played a couple sets. Rachael never played pool before so we taught her how to play. I think she won against me once because I accidently hit the black ball in. Haha.

After that we went to Supasave and bought food. We bought a huge packet of Malteasers which Rach and I just finished gobbling up. lol. Titz and I bought this pizza thing that we haven't even cook yet.. maybe later. The driver dropped us off at Mamih Gadong after that, along with our groceries ;D ehe then Eddie joined us again for our late late late dinner.

We got back to Adeline's house around 11-ish, I wasn't even sleepy yet. Rach and Ade teased me by preventing me from using the pc so I couldn't chat with Hiang. They're so evil. lol. It doesn't really matter lah, I watched Just Shoot Me on the telly..ehe it was all good. I think I watched John Doe twice, the midnight show and the 2:30am show. Hahaha

Titz and I are back, being addicted to Neopets again. It's so weird how much we're both playing destruct-o-match and all the wheels of something or other. lol :D I started again last week when I felt really really lonely. lol. Funny huh? :) Oh well, at least its fun lah.

Today: Wednesday, 18th August 2004.

I woke up at 8:00am originally but I went back to sleep. Haha, I woke up again at 9:30am only to realize that Ade was already up and dressed to leave for the airport. Piffle. I went back to sleep. lol Sorry luv, I was seriously very drowsy. Rach and I woke up at 10:30am when she decided to pull my blanket away from me so I threw a pillow at her face :P

We're both online now. Hehe As I've mentioned before. We just finished eating up a big packet of Malteasers and right now I'm wondering how I'm going to go home. lol. My darlz just went offline to watch tv.. haiz.. ehehe

I think I'll go watch tv too :P

love,

yarz.

xoxo

Well back to this.

It's quarter to one now. I don't know what to say anymore.

Sunshine.

Funny how I woke up this morning feeling like a ton of bricks landed on me while I was asleep.. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go back to bed either. I lack of sleep, I think everyone knows that. It's probably because I'm up half the night worrying about everything around me, I'm worrying about everyone around me.. I'm worrying about practically every single thing/person except for me.

Okay, let's turn the tables around now.

How many people are worried about me? I'm alive, for your information. I'm still here, and no, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm sorry if I made people think that, I'm sorry for being suicidal at times.. but I'm still here for now.

So don't worry about it.

I'm still here...

I got out of bed, and sat in front of angel13. I open up my blog and re-read what I wrote last night. Whatdayaknow. I started crying again. It's stupid really, I don't really know why I'd want to talk about it. Ah, scratch that. I do want to talk about it.

I want people to know how I'm feeling.

I want people to know how sad I can get and how fast I can pull myself down from the clouds, even when I'm happy for a mircosecond.. I can pull myself down faster than that.

You know, when I think about it.. if it wasn't me who was typing this up.. I'd probably say that the girl is nuts and can't see what other possiblilites I've got in making myself 'oh-so-happy'. What do you get when you try to make a person who's been miserable for over years now happy? You get to see that person stay miserable even longer :D

I miss my friends, you know? It gets lonely here like all the time. I'm staying home because, oh, none of my friends have been asking me to go out. I've been staying home because, oh, I'm just too depressed. I've been staying home.. and all that has been bringing me down to a point where I start thinking, screw that yas.. they don't care about you anymore. Maybe that's why I feel excluded. Maybe that's why I feel like I've been pushed away. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Maybe that's why everyone has gotten me depressed.

I need attention. I haven't been getting any. I remember just breaking down last night in front of angel13, like she's my only friend. Oh, the internet's my friend too. It lets me know what's going on in their worlds.. in their blogs.. in their lives without me. I don't open up to people, those who know me would know why I don't open up to people very easily.

I've got these high walls built up because I'm still learning to trust. In case you didn't know, my best friend of my primary school days betrayed our friendship while I was out of the country with the guy I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Since that's out in the open, heck.. you might as well know that it's been 5 years. Yes, I have forgiven her and him for that matter. But I don't think they know that. Ah, doesn't matter. I haven't even had a decent conversation with her ever since then.. not even a proper "hey. how are you?".

One of my walls broke down last night. I spilt more things about me than I would ever want to in one go. I guess that's one of the things that what you think you call love does to you. Even if it is just in the liking stage. Sigh. Its alright, at least now it has made us closer..

I woke up at 9am in the morning and took a shower. I got ready and went out with my mum. I had a feeling she only took me out because she caught me crying last night in my room. I know that at most times I can be very private. People around me are always wondering what's wrong with me because I look like I'm able to just cry at any second or that there's something bothering me. That might be partly true, maybe even 80% of the time it might be true because I seem to get myself into all sorts of troubles and problems. And that's not your typical teenage girl.

I was really hoping I could spend another day at home, being miserable.. and feeling miserable for myself because *news flash*, that's what I've been doing lately. But oh look, I didn't. I saw Eddie in his car, I waved. It's weird how I tried to be cheerful today, and eventually succeeded. I bought new tops at this shop at the mall and was tempted to buy more but I didn't have cash. I hadn't been to Gadong since Thursday night.

It's Saturday now, and my family along with my uncle and his family are downstairs watching Akademi Fantasia 2 on Astro. Here I am, sitting in front of angel13 after watching the first half of AF on television in respect of my relatives presence.

It's going to be Sunday soon. I was really hoping I could watch Maid In Manhattan on HBO tonight, because I haven't seen it since it hit the movie screens. Unfortunately for me, AF was on so obviously I can't watch it.

I didn't get to watch the Village the other night, my sister said the movie was bad.. I don't know. I think I'm going to watch it tomorrow evening with some friends.. after that I'm going to keep it low again and see if my phone rings or not.

I guess I take time to cheer up, and feeling really low can sometimes help you get back up higher. My views can be very pessimistic at times, but I don't think people should worry that much. You can worry a little bit.. but not too much.

I'm un-understandable and if you don't know me, I guess it'll take time to understand that understanding me means pulling you into my world of shattered dreams and broken hearts. I'll heal one day, I'll get out of this hole I've burried myself into.

It's all going to be okay.

love,

yasmin.

Just memories.

My eyes are blurry right now, probably from the tears I'm holding back. I can't really express how upset and hurt I'm feeling right now.. but I'm going to try. I walk in and out of depression every time don't I? Some how I've always managed to heal and I'll be okay for a while. Then, everything starts reoccuring, memories resurface and here I am, tumbling down the steps of memory lane.

My soul is weak. I know I've been pulling myself away from people, once again.. but this time I think I really mean it. I've been spending time alone, at home. I've gotten a lot of thoughts cleared out. Here's what I've come up so far;

1. I'm a burden.
2. I don't deserve to be happy.
3. I'm miserable.
4. I miss my friends.
5. Everyone I'm close with needs to know that I love them very much...

I hate to think that people are saying I'm not being appreciative. I'm trying to be, maybe I just need more time. Sigh, I need to pray..

Sometimes it feels like the world's almost over..

I got up about 2hours ago. It took me 20minutes to drag myself out of bed. I realized that angel13's been on and online all day. So weird, usually she freezes up during the night or somehow espeed2 messes up and disconnects me. I woke up to see Hiang messaging me online. hehe :)

The site still has a few bugs in it, I'm not sure if I like the layout anymore..haha I figured a lot of people would like it since it features Avril Lavigne (hehe Beeelzzzzz!!!!). I was watching the video clip when I decided to take screen shots.

I feel so frigging sad today. My headache's are getting worse and feeling bad about it isn't really helping. I don't know why my headaches are coming back so often. sigh, what a day. I don't feel like going out today, I think I'll just bum around the house and try to get my mind off things.

Last night was a bit weird, I stayed home the whole of Wednesday and Thursday. I went out at about 6:30pm with my sister. We picked Alisa up and then met up with my parents before heading down to Gadong to meet up with Hiang, Leslie and Deno. Some people were late. lol. After the movie, we went to coffee zone and ate.

Ahh.. I'm hungry now.

what are you? new?

I just finished having dinner downstairs. Now I'm in my room, typing away. Not chatting with anyone because I'm going to bed soon. I'm just a bit annoyed with the server, I don't know whats up with it because even I can't access it. The FTP's working though.

I want the checkered converse sweat hand band!!!! It's so nice.. It's $7.90. dum de dum.

I wannnt..

sigh.

Okay, random blurts.

I saw Ade and Rach in Gadong I think. But I was in the car at the time.. never mind lah. I saw a drunk ex-boyfriend, that freaked the hell out of me. I hung out with my sis, Alisa and my cousin at Coffeezone. I met up with Hiang, Deno and Leslie at the cineplex..

I'm freaked out now.

I think I'll go to bed.

night.

xoxo,
yarz.

New layout :)

I took away the tagboard because if I didn't you guys wouldn't use the commenting system :P *watches people cry* Haha. New layout. YAY. Comment comment comment!!! After 9 months of not making any layouts properly due to lack of equipment and inspiration.. here's my second attempt. I was going to use a few others, but they had the same concept. Wanna see? 1 2 & 3. Yes, I was that bored.

Adeline inspired me, and I love her for that. I've been going around telling the people I love that I love them.. if I haven't gotten to you yet, you'll get there eventually. I'm just saying incase I don't live long you know? :)

It's almost 4pm. I'm going out in about two and a half hours.. haha and I haven't showered yet. I'm still in my pajamas.

Anyways, I've fooled around with everything on the site. Just watch lah, I'm moving out of here soon I guess.. as soon as I can get my arse up to make a layout for the new blog. I'm so frigging lazy.

Today.. I will pamper myself.

love,
yasmin.

Whenever you call..

I had typed up a post just now but somehow my internet got disconnected so I lost it. Espeed2 is weird, and my sister's computer can't detect it which is why we're using it on angel13 now. I've a major headache now, sigh. I think maybe I think too much.

I'm chatting with Yazid A. now, we were playing online pool just now before my server got disconnected and I had to reboot angel13 twice. I got rid of the tag-board, maybe now if anyone wants to leave a message.. try the commenting system. You don't have to have a blogger username, but it would be useful if you did. It's cool though, you can just use anonymous and leave your name somewhere in your message.

I wonder where Rach and Ade are. nyah.

I feel lonely.

Whine.

Whine all you want. I'm not going to post when you tell me to. I'll do that when I feel like it, not when you have nothing to read online. So I didn't post for two days, whoops. No mood, can you blame? Actually, you can't because this is my blog not yours. You want something to read? Post in your own site :P

Anyways, I'm revamping the site. I've got a layout coming up, I probably will have it up this weekend or next because I'm working on the pages and updating other folders. I'll have the gallery back up soon, but for now that's going under wraps. I might move out from the main site because it's becoming a bit too open for my liking. I'll probably move into /persona so we'll see. That's not open to the public yet so don't bother trying to open it. It'll be password protected because there's some -ish- I don't want people to know about. I won't move out, like move out completely.. but I'll probably censor what I say in here more and give more details in the other one. We'll see.

I watched catwoman yesterday at the Mall, the movie was alright I suppose..but not enough for my liking. My sister's shutting her site down, I'm not really sure why. She says she's found a way to keep herself happy and unventing. Heh, whatever la.. I don't mind. So many things are happening so fast over the few days, I'm still trying to catch up. I stayed home the whole day today, yes. Wow. I think Mum thinks I'm sick. Haha, weird.

I might be watching the Village tomorrow night with Hiang and his friends. I miss Adeline and Rachael. I was webcamming with Rano just now, I think he took screen shots of me and my fan signs to him. hehe :) I'll post those photos up as soon as he does.

I think I'm hungry again. It's so weird because we ran out of chicken, prawns and other essential food supplies today so I didn't get to eat much until dinner. oh and I ate up all my cookies. I gotta go down to Ade's house soon and cook for her. hahaha

I miss .. lala.. I miss you~

love,
yarz.
xoxo

That you can see

I was thinking, maybe I want to be happy once in a while. I don't know why I'm always feeling really down, but then again that might be just me because I'm weird and I really don't think I deserve to be happy. To speak out honestly, I really don't. I'm thinking maybe my subconcious is working over time because when I do realize that I am happy, I'll bring myself down from the clouds.

Besides this being my forth attempt to post today, I guess I'm just lacking words and encouragement to post. I haven't been in the mood to post lately and I really don't know why. I guess I'm a bit upset and it seriously sucks. I've gone back to playing pool online, with Bin and Yazid A. being my regular pool partners online. Heh, talk about nothing better to do with our lives.

I stayed home the whole day today, and I've been forbidden to go out at night.. whatever that means. I watched the national geographic, sabrina animated series.. half the time of flicking through the tv shows, I tried avoiding opening AF. heh. I really don't like the show.. its like an intrusion of privacy you know? Watching people doing whatever.. hearing, watching.. it's stupid. Hiang bought me credit. He's so sweet. :) I came home at midnight last night, went out with Hazie and Yazidy. We picked Hazie up at her place then we drove down to Gadong to meet up with Hiang and Deno at Excapade. Played pool at Arena and got my ass kicked as always. hahaha I don't know eh, everytime I play with Hiang.. I always lose. :P Hmpf. Ah well.. Enough of that

My best friend in the whole world. What can I say about Rz? His name is Muhammad Reza Mustappa, born on April 30th 1987. I'm older than him by 25 days and we first met at Utama Bowling Alley in early April 1999. I used to go bowling with him every Friday afternoon and on Sundays if we don't have family functions. This guy has seen me through rapid changes, from the time I first started dating my first serious boyfriend all the way to now. He used to attend MSPSBS and unfortunately for both of us, he's now living in Pakistan, and studying I.B. in an international school there. He'll be graduating in June 2005, the same time as me..so hopefully we'll be able to go to the same university or something together..hehe Sorry girls, but he's taken and booked. :) He's lived there for two years now, and I'm only able to see him once a year.. and take it from me, it sucks. Luckily for us, there's always MSN messenger and e-mails. Thank god for that. He's always been there for me when ever I needed him, and it is true when he says that I'm the only one he can never imagine having a fight with..because we're always there for each other..lol, and we don't have disagreements, just.. unresolved discussions. lol. He means the world to me, and I love him for everything that he is. So, I'm taking this oppourtunity to thank him now..and just remind him that I'm always going to be there for him.. I miss you babe. mwah. xoxo.

Earlier on Saturday morning, I was stuck at home until past lunch. I went to Adeline's house, I don't really know why I came over because she didn't need me anymore for anything. After that, I left to pick up Aimi.. we went to Gadong and bought lunch and some water to bring to our game at 4. I watched the first two final matches, ISB vs. MS girls, which of course ISB won =D cos they rawk!! haha the second final match was for the guys, MD 1 vs. MS.. I think MD 1 won..haha it was a good game =) The third and forth games were for the Bronze. Our game was versus St. Andrews. Unfortunately, we lost. I think most of us were under a lot of pressure and yeah, we were at each others throats. The last game was ISB vs. SMJA. lol. Aimi says that international schools stick together.. so yeah, congrats to both ISB teams.. ehehe =D

Anyway.

I have a headache and I'm not in the mood again.

laters,
yas

19th August.

I unagree says:
WHAT'S HAPPENING ON AUGUST 19TH!???
I unagree says:
EVERYONE SHOUT!
I unagree says:
EXAM RESULTS!!!

heh, leave it up to BRANDON to do that. Geez.

My turn.

EXAM RESULTS COMING OUT IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS or um, 13 days. Good luck to the AS/A level students. Best of luck to the I/GCSE students whose results come out a week after that.

xoxo.

Good things come to those who wait..

That's what I keep telling Eng Hock. Damn, I guess I won't be getting ANY good things because I'm so damn impatient. It's either that or someone seriously messed up that quote. Well, I'm finally home after not coming back at all yesterday. I think I've already mentioned the fact that I slept over at Adeline's and well, mum seems to know whatever the hell I've been up to because she reads this site.

I took a cam shot just now, I've nothing better to do. I just had my dinner and I'm stuffed. I feel bloated, or maybe that's just me. Sigh. I feel depressed and I don't really know why. I think I'm addicted to online pool, haha not think, I KNOW I'm addicted. I've been playing it every chance I get.

Screw it lah, what do I know? lol. Currently chatting with Eng Hock, Rz and will be chatting with Hiang because he just signed in.

I feel sad..

dumdedum.

I'm at Adeline's house again..

I'm at Adeline's house again. I slept over last night.. ehe Rachael slept over as well.. smelly butt. I quote from her, "we slept and woke up at the same time for once". hahaha Usually, I'm the early one up, however .. after last nights excitement, I couldn't fall asleep until 4am. We just woke up about an hour ago and now she's watching some tv show on the chinese Astro package.

Anyways, I watched the Prince & Me last night with some friends. I can tell you now, the movie wasn't as good as I expected or maybe I just expected too highly of it..but over all, the movie sucked. lol Sorry, but I didn't like it. The actress was lovely as always of course, but the whole idea of the movie was the part I didn't like. After that we had dinner at Gadong properties. Then to Arena where we played pool til midnight or something.

Oh yeah, I watched House of Flying Daggers earlier in the afternoon with Pheng Seng and Clement. We managed to sneak drinks in in our huge PE bags..haha I didn't understand a word because it was Asian Chinese dialect. So weird man. But yeah, the translations helped a bit I guess. Anyhoots, that movie sucked too. haha Bin and I both agree that the ending sucked. Shall I spoil it for you? :P BLEGH. The movies nowadays are too overated and they never come out as well as the hype makes it seems. Sheesh.

I made a new friend online last week, his name is Arvin. But we'll call him Bin because he's cool. lol I met him on Yahoo! Pool and we've been playing online pool a lot..hehe he's from Singapore in some sort of poly.

Okay, I'm hungry so I'll post later when I get home.

much love,
yazarunie.

It's not so bad..

So I didn't post yesterday, whoops. I woke up late, around 10-ish or something like that.. I went downstairs and caught "A Walk to Remember" on HBO. I think I've seen it at least 5 times even though each and everytime I watch it, tears would never fail to fall. I guess the whole movie is touching, about perfect love and stuff..haha figments of impossiblility maybe. Sigh

We played against STPRI yesterday, Ayu and Didi are in the team. I never knew Didi (that's Ayu's sister) went to STPRI, I always thought she went to a school in Tutong. Oh well. Anyway, it was great to see them both and Didi's a great player cos she plays like a guy. haha damnit. I don't remember the score but Ade says it was in the early twenties to one, in our favour of course :) oohh.. and I actually scored 2 points. hahahaha sheesh. Silly defender me :D

I'm going through my friendster messages. lol Some guys can be so bold to even message to say "can I have your number?" how many replies can they expect from that? geez. Ah well.. I've been meaning to write testimonials for people, Vokal goes first on my list.. then I'll make one for Wajy. So you gotta wait and stop whining for testimonials. Hrrmmppff.

Oh yeah, did anyone know that I'm a Liverpool fan? hehe lol. Okay, that might be something new you didn't know about me. Did you know my glasses degrees are very high? 5.50+ on the left and 5.25+ on the right. :) Did you know that I've been dying my hair from Primary 5? The first colour I dyed it was light brown. I don't smoke but I've been tempted to so many times with the people I used to hang out with, now I'm back with the non-smokers so it's all good. I don't drink..haha heck, haven't even touched the stuff so I've never been tempted to. I don't usually drink gassy drinks like coke, pepsi, etc and would preffer ice lemon tea or any juice drink to them.

lol. So I was bored. haha :) and I still am so I got this off Finah:

PART ONE: Introduction-------------------

+Name : Ida Zetty Yasmin Patera.

+Birth date : April 5th, 1987

+Birthplace : Brunei

+Current Location : 5 minutes away from Kuala Lurah. lol

+Eye Color : dark brown

+HairColor : dyed light orangey brown.

+Height : 5"4

+Right handed or Left handed : left handed

PART TWO:--------------------

+Heritage : Bruneian malay with a Malaysian twist..haha

+Weakness : money. haha

+Biggest fears : I've a fear of gaining weight.

+Your perfect pizza : I'll take plain cheese pizzas anyday. lol but you can throw in tuna with onions as well. I won't mind :D

+Goal you'd like to achieve : I'd like to see the day mum decides that she is actually proud of me without taking it back..

PART THREE:--------------------

+Most overused phrase(s) : OI. I think I swear too much. lol.

+Thoughts first waking up : "eh, I'm still alive.."

+Best physical feature : eye brows hahaha Rz loves them :D

+Usual bedtime : school nights; 9pm. holidays; depending on who I'm chatting with; it varies from 11pm to 4:30am.

+most missed memory : everything starting from 7 years ago..

PART FOUR:--------------------

+Pepsi or Coke : Coke.

+McDonald's or Burger King : McDs. haha I don't know how burger king is.

+Single or group dates : single

+Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea : defnately Lipton.

+Chocolate or vanilla : Chocolate

+Cappuccino or Latte : I'd prefer iced latte.

PART FIVE: Do you..--------------------

+Smoke : nope.

+Sing : haha I'd like to think I can.

+Take a shower every day : Yup, sometimes three times but usually two.

+Have a crush(es) : yeah.

+Think you've been in love : yeah and he broke my heart.

+Like high school : yes.

+Want to get married : lol, maybe one day but not for another 6-9 years..haha I don't want to think about it now. I want to get into university, get my degree and masters.. finish up with a PhD.. then you're all gona call me "Doctor Yasmin". HAHA

+Believe in yourself : I try to.

+Get motion sickness : yeah I do.

+Think you're attractive : lol, to be honest? I don't.

+Think you're a freak : haha yes at times when I'm really hyper I get the urge to do freaky things.

+Get along with your parents : only when I'm not pissed off at them and vise versa but other than that we get along fine.

+Like thunderstorms : No, they're like basketball balls.. you never know when they're gona hit you on the head when you're standing under the rim. hehe :D

+Play an instrument : no, but I'd like to learn to play one.

PART SIX: In the past month, have you?--------------------

+Drank alcohol : nope.

+Gone for a date: one or two.

+Gone to the mall : yeap, almost everyday in the past month. lol talk about having nothing to do.

+Eaten sushi : yeap :D

+Been on stage : hm. I don't recall.

+Been dumped : last month. yes in a weird way. haha

+Changed who you were to fit in : no way.

PART SEVEN:--------------------

+Single/taken? booked. :P

+Best friend? Well, there's Rz, then aQilah, Aimi and Lina.

+First love? 3o5. But then again everyone prolly knows who that is anyways. haha

+Boy/girl friend? lol o:) Adeline, Rachael and Eddie are my angels, my closest friends ever. haha

PART EIGHT:--------------------

+Age you hope to be married : Good question. Let me get the degree and everything and then we'll calculate my age okay? Lets see, three yrs uni, one yr master..how long does it take to get a phd? hahaha I'm 17 now.. lets add 6 to that, I think about twenty three or at about twenty five? haha :P

+Numbers and Names of Children : shit. lol I don't want more than three! two would be enough. If I get a girl, she's going to have "adeline" somewhere in her name. hehe :)

+Describe how your Dream is to be : mm.. I don't really know.

+How do you want to die : in peace.

+What do you want to be when you grow up : lol. I'd like to be "someone" in the financial sector.

PART NINE: In a girl/boy, you would want?--------------------

+Best eye color : brown :D

+Best hair color : I'm not that picky but I do prefer guys with undyed hair cos mine's already dyed. haha

+Short or long hair : Definately the clean cut type so I'd prefer short. haha

+Height : Taller than me.

+Weight : hahaha I don't know, but he's gotta love basketball so that means his BMI has to match well to the norm.

+Best first date location : lol. I don't know.

PART TEN:--------------------

+Drugs taken illegally : haha I've never tried and I don't want to.

+CDs that I own : I don't buy CDs cos I'm broke half the time anyway and besides, the radio is mucho cooler to listen to. haha

+Piercings : Just my ears, two on the left and one on the right. I'm getting new ones as soon as I get out of the country..ehe :) I want one on my belly button and one on my right eye brow. lol :)

+Tattoos : lol, its against my religion so I wouldn't want one.

+Times my name has appeared on newspaper : hm. I don't know? Maybe about 5 or 6.

+Scars on my body : I've one from skating, one from simply scratching, a few lines on my wrist, under my belly button.. haha I don't know, I don't look for my scars! haha

+Things in my past that I regret : There are so many things I'd like to change, but if I did..maybe I wouldn't be the person I am now.. so I shouldn't need to regret them.

Okay, I'm done. haha maybe you've learnt something new about me.. then again maybe not.

Love,

yaza.

What do they know?

All I can do right now is be helpless and unmoving because, what can I do? I think I've listened to about three people tonight, talking to me about their problems. I feel useless when I don't know or cannot do anything to help them. I love my friends y'know? More than anything in the world, they have no idea how special they actually are to me. In many ways, I suppose I'm to blame.

I know that my friends have been accusing me of being distant. I'm sorry if you feel that way, I do sometimes regret it.. but please understand that when I keep something away from you, it doesn't mean I don't care because it's probably just nothing or something in intentions of protecting you, and never never hurting you. I might be living a life full of regrets and unsatisfaction, but I'm grateful that I have wonderful people in my life to keep my spirits high and bring light into my life. And I hope that never changes.

Sitting here in my room can sometimes feel lonely and even at times, dejected. I am in many ways, unhappy with myself and no matter how hard I try to be, it just doesn't seem to work out. There are days when I do feel that the whole world has turned its back against me (no, I haven't turned my back on it either), and there are times when I just feel like breaking down and crying my heart out. And yet, what is there to cry about? Nothing. Nothing because nothing means anything to me anymore. So what's the point in wanting to cry? I have no reason to cry..

And if I should not have a reason to cry, why am I so down? Why do I feel like I am placed at the bottom of the shelf? Why do I feel lower than dirt? Sometimes thoughts and old memories can bring a person down, they can take you a walk down memory lane and at times, they can even make you tearfully remember the have-had's and could-have's. Shaddup lah.

Maybe I'm just upset, perhaps slightly off my rocker. I'm just very ticked off right now and I can't think of a reason why. I want my friends to know that I am still there for them, anytime and always. I just wish I could have someone I could turn to as well. I don't know, maybe I'm not looking hard enough, maybe the person's just too in front of me that I can't see.

I'm not asking anyone to ignore this post because I know I sure won't. I guess I just have too many things floating through my mind that I have had a lot to think about and I wish people would just stop trying to drag me back into my state of depression because for once, I would seriously like a day when no one yellls at me or pisses me off.. I would, with all my heart, want a day where I can be completely happy with the people I love.

Ah hell, what do I know?

Regards,
yas.

I know exactly what you need..

me :) hehe I just finished taking a shower. I was at the MD indoor gym the whole afternoon from 3pm til 8pm. We went against St. Andrews girls basketball team just now, and guess what? :) We won!! :D :D :D :D :D :D yeah, lol. 16 - 8. Two losses and one win, and one more match to go against STPRI. I'm just praying that we'll win the next game as well. Adeline, Zara, Michelle, Aimi, Eileen, Nicole and Yvonne all played great today.

I woke up at 9:30am today actually, then I fooled around at angel13 for a bit before going back to bed. Adeline says I'm noisy when I wake up because I drop everything..and haha yeah, she's right. I'm noisy when I wake up, even when I try not to be o:)

I'm chatting with Hiang, Leslie, Rachael and Sal now on messenger. I'm bored. So so bored.

10am and I'm up

The girls and I slept at 4am in the morning..but I woke up at 9:30am cos Eddie just texted me. It's his birthday today .. hehe so..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHENG CHENG!!

I don't know what the hell we did that went on til four am in the morning because we were all sitting on my bed at 1:30am and somehow ended talking til 4am. That's just crazy. lol :) We talked about past experiences, school, clothes, books, girl issues.. some people made hilarious imitation walks. It was just so funny.

I think I'll go back to bed after this. I've a headache and I know very well I didn't get enough sleep. My grandmother called this morning at 7am.. and the phone was in my room. HELL. lol, now the house phone is outside. hmpfs. My sis slept over here too.

We had three beds, Aimi and Chelle slept on the yellow one, Ade and I slept on the green/white one and my sister slept on the single bed. lol, You can still see them sleeping on the beds..haha

My room's a mess.. they've all been threathening to decorate it for me because its empty and it doesn't even look lived in. Haha duno eh, I'll take a photo of my room later and post it up. Did I ever mention that my room has two floors? :) There's spiral stairs connecting up to the room upstairs which is empty and is cluttering with my novels/comics/magazines and etc. lol :)

I want a teddy bear :(

Okay, going to back to bed now.

love,
yas

xoxo

Major sleepover >.<

Ello. I'm at home now. Adeline, Michelle and Aimi are sleeping over tonight. We just got back from having dinner at Mamih, which cost us all about $9, including Eddie. Which to me, felt damn cheap because usually when I eat somewhere my meals about $6 per person lol :) so a table of 5 people totalling to $9 is damn cheap. Hehe

me, Adeline, Rachael and Chelle.

We played basketball in MD just now at 5-ish againstMaktab Sains (MS). We lost by three frigging points at the last two minutes. What the hell. Blegh. Okay, details. I met up with Chelle at two plus.. I was kinda late cos I was suppose to drop my sister off at Rimba, but plans for that were cancelled. Anyway, Ade told her that she'd meet her up in ten minutes haha but she stood her up. lol :P She arrived at ten to 3pm. silly butt.

Adeline and I attacking Livie..hehe xoxo

Anyways, we met up with Livie and Rachael at Coffee Zone. Aimi joined up with us around 3:30pm. I ran into Kim there, hehe I think I'm gonna ask him to go play basketball at RBRC with Alex Chua and Lim soon. I think I'm depressed. I forgot what I was gonna type. We lost against MS by 3 points. Did I say that already? 17 - 14 to MS. Blegh.

me and Eileen after basketball.

We're all in my room now (Aimi, Ade & Chelle). Talking about girl issues, school. heh :) I might be begining to think too much, I don't know.. maybe that's just me. I'm chatting with Hadi online now, I don't know what the hell I'm saying..haha I feel stupid. Haiz. What's the point. What's the point? Screw it man.

I just finished curling Ade's hair.. hehe there's a spare bed on the floor, I think Chelle and Aimi are sleeping on it.. hehe They just went downstairs to grab the Snickers and Malteasers ice cream we bought :)

I want a teddy bear.. I'm feeling very needy right now. Sigh I wanna cry. CHEH. I don't really know why I'm feeling down right now.. no lah, the girls are great company. Rz's online, he's in Pakistan now. Blah. My best friend's so far away, I don't get to see him until June 2005 next year when we graduate from Upper Six. :( So frigging sad.. I really want something to hug at night :( sigh.

angel13's acting up again, I don't know whats wrong with it because I keep defragmenting it, clearing up its disc space, deleting useless files.. sheesh. Yet it still freezes up, or doesn't respond. ARGH. So annoying. I don't want to reformat it because I'm worried all my other files with password cracks would disappear.. then I'd have to order and buy new ones and that is so not cool.

It's 1:38am. I started the post at 10:27pm. Just shows how distracted I am and how mixed up I'm feeling right now. Ade and Chelle want to use the pc. I miss Hiang. haha :P lalala they're hula hooping in my room.. I have another basketball match against St. Andrews tomorrow.. guarentee tomorrow I'm going to faint again.. sigh.

So frigging depressed..

Let's hope I'm just being very random right now.. and these feelings don't come back.

love,

yasmin patera.

xoxox

Just another day..

It's so frigging hot today. Then again it might be because my air conditioners off.. I don't feel like turning it on, just the ceiling fan. My Kazaa program sucks, either that or I don't know how to download mp3s anymore. I haven't downloaded anything since November last year when I was still living in Gadong and living off the normal espeed. I'm happy now though since I'm able to use the espeed2 modem on angel13 :) it's mucho easier for me anyways.

Aimi called me up earlier to confirm our plans for tomorrow, its either I meet up with her somewhere or pick her up from the hospital. Man, I can't wait til I'm able to drive..hehe :D Chelle and Aimi should be sleeping over my place tomorrow, one of them have to decide who's going to sleep on the floor..unless Chelle and I can squeeze Aimi in the middle. Hehe :P

I miss Rachael. She went to Singapore over the weekend..hehe I forgot to post this photo up with my previous post. I miss Adeline as well.. so boring. I haven't had long talks with them for ages.. I miss them both like crazy. I want to get them back in my life again, but I don't know.. I guess lately.. especially Ade and I, we've been having our own tensions.. geez, it's depressing. I miss her like crazy, I guess at some point all friends would drift apart somehow..and I suppose it would be up to them if they'd like to strenghten their friendship.. Ade's friendship.. is something I value with all my heart and I would like to think that she knows that.. I love her and Rach tons. :) I hope you're reading this. lol we should seriously pick a day that we could just waste catching up with whats going on with everything..hai. mwah. I love you both. xoxox.

I've been home all day. No wait, let me rephrase that.. my whole family (mum, dad and sis) have been home all day. Weird? Definately.. dad usually plays golf on Sunday mornings, interestingly enough he didn't. heh. I was up til 4am last night, chatting away with Adeline, Hiang, Leslie, Nicole, Sal.. etc. lol. I didn't even notice the time. Did I mention I came home quarter to midnight last night? So weird.. I didn't get into trouble for once. Heh :) must be part of growing up eh. haha Gila, panas eh.

Webcam photo for today..haha I'm so bored. I think my skin's getting fairer.. but people keep telling me that I'm pale. Maybe its them, or maybe it's me. My best-est friends don't notice the difference though, they think I look the way I am everyday..haha I don't know eh. I still have people telling me that my smiles look fake.. please lah, what is there for me to smile about anyway? sigh.

I'm bored. Blegh, currently chatting away with my best friend, Rz (who's back in Pakistan and can't find his frigging Paki sim card) and Putra, an old classmate from JIS. I think I talk too much. haha maybe not. I wanna play pool. I cannot believed how badly I played last night.. gila..haha Hiang beat me 6 out of 7 plays. What the hell. lol :P And he was being so nice by pretending to make lousy shots. haha

My back muscles hurt, maybe it's stress. Haha whatever yas.. nyeh. Rz and I are talking about the other day at the airport when a bunch of friends and I sent him off. I miss you babe, I really do. lol, we both wore red that day (coincidence!!!) and he's telling me that his family thought I was his girlfriend. Haha hellooo.. this guy is like, my best best best friend in the whole world. xoxo. We've been friends since early form 2 (2000), and can you believe we first met at the bowling alley? ehe :) We were inseperable then.. until I moved to JIS and started dating this other guy. After that we drifted apart for about a year plus, then after that I managed to gain him back and now our friendship remains to be seen as one of the strongest ever. We've never had fights, and neither of us can imagine us in one. hehe :) He wants me to record something short to put in his mp3 player so he can listen to it everyday..hahaha something like, I quote: "wait till you get back next year Rz! Rawr ..meow." HAHAHA bida bida.. lol that's so weird babe.

I'm chatting with Chelle now, talking about tomorrow's game. Haiyohs. I've a headache..haha Adeline's finally online. yay :)

Okay, I'm going to chat the night away now. xoxoxo

Rejection? haha

Currently chatting away with Hadi and Nicole. I can't believe that I just woke up at this hour.. its noon already. Haha not bad ey. I had an interesting night, hehe went to Gadong after staying home the whole day with only a tensy bit of whining. My sister was suppose to come home at three, but she ended up arriving back at 4:30pm which pissed the hell out of me that I said I didn't want to go out anymore because it was already late and I wouldn't be able to see Adeline anyway because if I left the house it'd take half an hour to get anywhere and she had church at 5:30pm. So there was no point..

Anyway, there I was.. staying home like a good girl. Being a lazy bum as always, I could hear my mum calling out my name every ten minutes to help her move furniture. Geez, my mum just can't leave well enough alone. Once she starts rearranging something, may it be just CD stacks, she'd end up rearranging the whole living room.. and she did just that yesterday. I'd call her crazy, but she's my mum.. a serious perfectionist. I ended up carrying and pushing tables and sofas all over the living room. lol. My favourite sofas are now on the north side in front of the stairs.. the blue sofa is now next to the huge window and the big curtains. She even carried out my sofa bed to put downstairs! Now my room looks a bit more bare than usual that I can see the stacks of teddy bears I had hidden behind the sofa bed. Ah well, I guess I'm going to have to find a new spot for them.

I should seriously start arranging my room and my clothes. I don't have a closet yet since the house is still new and mum hasn't gotten round to ordering any so my clothes are hung on these umm.. whatchumacall it.. haha i duno, metal bars that have wheels at the bottom. I've got three of them in here so its like a walk in closet without doors. Other than that, I've got four big containers full of my junk. On the carpet, I have another pile of teddy bears and stuffed toys near the window. Next to my bed is a drawer table and next to it is a pile of Archie comics and other books along with my bags and purses. Sure, I have a bookcase..but I've got everything in it but books. haha I've got pictures, food, make up, letters, barbie dolls :P

Its the same story with my pc table, angel13's motherboard is on the floor while the espeed2 modem is right next to the monitor along with Ms582 speakers which suck big time. The webcam is put down randomly depending on my mood on wanting to webcam or not..most of the time it's just facing me. I've got stacks of paper on this table, along with text books, more stuffed toys, earrings, the house phone, letters and cards..hehe just a lot of junk I don't bother clearing up or cleaning.

The only time I stay in my room nowadays is just to use the computer, sleep or take a shower. That's pretty much it. When it comes to homework, I usually do it downstairs at my kitchen table so that mum thinks I'm studying in my 'free time' when I'm actually just doing my homework..ehe ma, you didn't see this ;P

That's a photo of me with Adeline a few nights ago when we went to JP with Rachael. I think we went on Wednesday, the night I slept over. We left around 7:30pm and met up with Eddie. I made three new friends of Eng Hock that night, but I don't remember their names. Haha :P Whoops.

The JIS basketball team..haha
Back row: Eileen, Nicole and Adeline.
Front row: Michelle, Maria, Aimi and me :D

Anyways, I went out last night to Gadong. I had to pick up a few things before meeting up with some friends. While waiting for them to arrive, I went to coffee zone and sat with Deez and Wafi. They were going to watch AF on Astro..hehe they're Bob's supporters.. :) I don't know who I like, but it sure was a hell shocker when I found out Linda's out of AF. Ah well, I like Adam and Kaer more anyways..hahaha I met up with Leslie, Alex and Lit last night, we went to play pool at Riggs. Hafiz and Zaza joined us for a bit, made silly jokes and comments that I couldn't stop laughing..hahaha its hilarious how they can sound serious yet funny at the same time. lol :)

The layout isn't my handy work.. I just took one of the blogger templates and modified it a bit.. I'm going to change the header soon but I haven't found time to. I can't seem to be able to open my Adobe image ready or even my Adobe photo shop :( so I can't make any images right now. So annoying. I'll get it fixed soon I hope. I'll come up with a layout soon I guess, I had one in my sister's PC. I've deleted all the layouts I've made on angel13 and I just finished deleting over 50mp3s along with a huge number of documents..heheh I deleted tons of pictures on my pc. I'm not worried about it though because most of the photos I have are saved on my site's server. Hehehe, yup that's right..make use of my unlimited webspace and bandwidth :) abuse it!! haha