What do they know?

All I can do right now is be helpless and unmoving because, what can I do? I think I've listened to about three people tonight, talking to me about their problems. I feel useless when I don't know or cannot do anything to help them. I love my friends y'know? More than anything in the world, they have no idea how special they actually are to me. In many ways, I suppose I'm to blame.

I know that my friends have been accusing me of being distant. I'm sorry if you feel that way, I do sometimes regret it.. but please understand that when I keep something away from you, it doesn't mean I don't care because it's probably just nothing or something in intentions of protecting you, and never never hurting you. I might be living a life full of regrets and unsatisfaction, but I'm grateful that I have wonderful people in my life to keep my spirits high and bring light into my life. And I hope that never changes.

Sitting here in my room can sometimes feel lonely and even at times, dejected. I am in many ways, unhappy with myself and no matter how hard I try to be, it just doesn't seem to work out. There are days when I do feel that the whole world has turned its back against me (no, I haven't turned my back on it either), and there are times when I just feel like breaking down and crying my heart out. And yet, what is there to cry about? Nothing. Nothing because nothing means anything to me anymore. So what's the point in wanting to cry? I have no reason to cry..

And if I should not have a reason to cry, why am I so down? Why do I feel like I am placed at the bottom of the shelf? Why do I feel lower than dirt? Sometimes thoughts and old memories can bring a person down, they can take you a walk down memory lane and at times, they can even make you tearfully remember the have-had's and could-have's. Shaddup lah.

Maybe I'm just upset, perhaps slightly off my rocker. I'm just very ticked off right now and I can't think of a reason why. I want my friends to know that I am still there for them, anytime and always. I just wish I could have someone I could turn to as well. I don't know, maybe I'm not looking hard enough, maybe the person's just too in front of me that I can't see.

I'm not asking anyone to ignore this post because I know I sure won't. I guess I just have too many things floating through my mind that I have had a lot to think about and I wish people would just stop trying to drag me back into my state of depression because for once, I would seriously like a day when no one yellls at me or pisses me off.. I would, with all my heart, want a day where I can be completely happy with the people I love.

Ah hell, what do I know?

Regards,
yas.