Sunshine.

Funny how I woke up this morning feeling like a ton of bricks landed on me while I was asleep.. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to go back to bed either. I lack of sleep, I think everyone knows that. It's probably because I'm up half the night worrying about everything around me, I'm worrying about everyone around me.. I'm worrying about practically every single thing/person except for me.

Okay, let's turn the tables around now.

How many people are worried about me? I'm alive, for your information. I'm still here, and no, I'm not going to kill myself. I'm sorry if I made people think that, I'm sorry for being suicidal at times.. but I'm still here for now.

So don't worry about it.

I'm still here...

I got out of bed, and sat in front of angel13. I open up my blog and re-read what I wrote last night. Whatdayaknow. I started crying again. It's stupid really, I don't really know why I'd want to talk about it. Ah, scratch that. I do want to talk about it.

I want people to know how I'm feeling.

I want people to know how sad I can get and how fast I can pull myself down from the clouds, even when I'm happy for a mircosecond.. I can pull myself down faster than that.

You know, when I think about it.. if it wasn't me who was typing this up.. I'd probably say that the girl is nuts and can't see what other possiblilites I've got in making myself 'oh-so-happy'. What do you get when you try to make a person who's been miserable for over years now happy? You get to see that person stay miserable even longer :D

I miss my friends, you know? It gets lonely here like all the time. I'm staying home because, oh, none of my friends have been asking me to go out. I've been staying home because, oh, I'm just too depressed. I've been staying home.. and all that has been bringing me down to a point where I start thinking, screw that yas.. they don't care about you anymore. Maybe that's why I feel excluded. Maybe that's why I feel like I've been pushed away. Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Maybe that's why everyone has gotten me depressed.

I need attention. I haven't been getting any. I remember just breaking down last night in front of angel13, like she's my only friend. Oh, the internet's my friend too. It lets me know what's going on in their worlds.. in their blogs.. in their lives without me. I don't open up to people, those who know me would know why I don't open up to people very easily.

I've got these high walls built up because I'm still learning to trust. In case you didn't know, my best friend of my primary school days betrayed our friendship while I was out of the country with the guy I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Since that's out in the open, heck.. you might as well know that it's been 5 years. Yes, I have forgiven her and him for that matter. But I don't think they know that. Ah, doesn't matter. I haven't even had a decent conversation with her ever since then.. not even a proper "hey. how are you?".

One of my walls broke down last night. I spilt more things about me than I would ever want to in one go. I guess that's one of the things that what you think you call love does to you. Even if it is just in the liking stage. Sigh. Its alright, at least now it has made us closer..

I woke up at 9am in the morning and took a shower. I got ready and went out with my mum. I had a feeling she only took me out because she caught me crying last night in my room. I know that at most times I can be very private. People around me are always wondering what's wrong with me because I look like I'm able to just cry at any second or that there's something bothering me. That might be partly true, maybe even 80% of the time it might be true because I seem to get myself into all sorts of troubles and problems. And that's not your typical teenage girl.

I was really hoping I could spend another day at home, being miserable.. and feeling miserable for myself because *news flash*, that's what I've been doing lately. But oh look, I didn't. I saw Eddie in his car, I waved. It's weird how I tried to be cheerful today, and eventually succeeded. I bought new tops at this shop at the mall and was tempted to buy more but I didn't have cash. I hadn't been to Gadong since Thursday night.

It's Saturday now, and my family along with my uncle and his family are downstairs watching Akademi Fantasia 2 on Astro. Here I am, sitting in front of angel13 after watching the first half of AF on television in respect of my relatives presence.

It's going to be Sunday soon. I was really hoping I could watch Maid In Manhattan on HBO tonight, because I haven't seen it since it hit the movie screens. Unfortunately for me, AF was on so obviously I can't watch it.

I didn't get to watch the Village the other night, my sister said the movie was bad.. I don't know. I think I'm going to watch it tomorrow evening with some friends.. after that I'm going to keep it low again and see if my phone rings or not.

I guess I take time to cheer up, and feeling really low can sometimes help you get back up higher. My views can be very pessimistic at times, but I don't think people should worry that much. You can worry a little bit.. but not too much.

I'm un-understandable and if you don't know me, I guess it'll take time to understand that understanding me means pulling you into my world of shattered dreams and broken hearts. I'll heal one day, I'll get out of this hole I've burried myself into.

It's all going to be okay.

love,

yasmin.