It's Tuesday ladies and gentlemen. In exactly one week and a few hours, I will be sitting for my first Maths paper which I hope not to screw up because I really really really don't want to do a resit or get a 'just passed' mark. That would simply lead to a mess up in my already planned out life.. and then it would give a rather good indication why I shouldn't be doing a Mathematics degree. Don't you think? :-P

The weather outside is effing freezing and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for a few days now.. I get up at odd hours of the night. Something is disturbing my thoughts and I can't squash it away, so you can guess that my brain is pretty much frazzled and I was planning to do some Maths today.

Yesterday was Bank Holiday.. it was Aimi's 20th birthday. :-) I gave her a ring at midnight Ozzie time while we were all having a group convo between myself, Mi, Qi and Jit. I love those three.. I know that best friends like them are forever, and I know that when there are days I can't face, they'll be there for me no matter what.

I miss the days back in JIS when we used to just sit down and have lunch together, talking about girly things and when we should have our next dimsum :-P Aimi's always been my sports partner in most of the things we did back in JIS, she's better than me of course, but hey, who cares. I probably love sports as much as she does. Qi was my what-are-you-doing-lets-go-out partner. We're probably the least organised when it comes to meeting up, someone will always be late or somehow manage not to get a ride at the last possible minute. :-) Jit is, and will always be, my main competition with almost every thing. But he's around us three so much that his opinions are appreciated and he thinks too much. :-P I'm really looking forward in going back in two weeks so I can spend time with all three of them and forget my troubles that are churning around.

My sleeping patterns are in a mess since last weekend came and went, I've been sleeping at two in the morning, doing god knows what.. I spend the morning and afternoon "studying" although I don't think my way of "studying" is the best way to remember things.. but I'm usually better off listening than reading about a subject anyway. That's probably why I prefer going to lectures and not reading my notes..

Most of the time I recall the things I've learnt during lectures so once I revise (i.e skim) though my notes, I'll remember that this lecturer said this and this. Unfortunately, for Mathematics, it's a bit different because you have to understand why you're using this equation and not that one, why it's plus and not minus, why you need this variable and why this one is arbitary.

Your whole life becomes a learning process, if you don't understand a topic, you have to work on it until you do or you won't understand the next steps and other formulas related to it. In other words, you're screwed. Unlike subjects like Business Studies, you can not understand one topic and you'll still be able to stand with the other things they talk about with the subject. In some ways, I'm thankful I didn't end up with a full Accounting & Finance degree, I don't think I'd be that happy with it.. because I don't enjoy writing essays and droning lecturers keep on talking without really explaining a topic. My Math lecturers are funny characters.. you can identify each and every one of them with just a few words :-) I enjoy going to their classes because when they start writing notes, they talk about it, they explain it and most of all, they look like they enjoy it.

50% of my degree is Mathematics and the other 50% is for Accounting and Financial Management. So it's a joint degree and I'm from the Mathematics department. We don't have jumpers, shirts or socks from our department because we're boring people (I kid. I kid) and our Math prez hasn't done much for us anyway. :-P Most of the people in my Math classes are doing mixed degrees.. Math with Economics (75% Maths, 25% Econs), Sport Science with Maths, Maths with Management, etcera. I haven't met anyone who's on a full Math degree because I'm pretty sure they're doing a whole different level of Maths compared to us. Haha

I wonder how much maths other people are doing in other degrees? What topics? Can anyone tell me please? :-) I was looking at my friend's Maths.. he's from the Electrical Engineering department. He has to sit one paper for maths.. just by looking at his paper, I can see that it's like THREE of my modules summerized in one. I have like three times the amount of work he has to do. lmao.

I need to go to tesco. EXAMS PEOPLE EXAMS!!! :-)

plugs: kev, una, matriXadi, Jo, Bell, Adeline, Hazie. wo xiang ni :)

ps. lets do the comment thing again. NAME & LOCATION even if you have nothing to sayyyyyyy!

The weekend finally came around.. and I would like to point out that this week has been one of the most stressful and yet relaxing weeks I've had in a while. I went out last night to watch X-Men with some coursemates and had a blast :-) Study wise, I'd like to say I'm doing particularly well.. but that's lying although I am racking my brain's out trying to make the material stick. I'm sure I'll eventually get there, it just takes a bit of time.

[added]
¹9 * unangelic: i wanna know how they get the camera to stick to the wall
M3 : oh wow
¹9 * unangelic: nice right?
M3 : yeah. how to do photos like that? photoshop i guess
¹9 * unangelic: i meant how do they get it to take a full body shot from ABOVE the model unless hes got a SERIOUSLY tall tripod stand, I cannot imagine how
M3 : maybe he taped it to the ceiling
¹9 * unangelic: i thought tht but if he used a timer he would have a hard time setting up before the timer goes off. dont u think?
M3 : remote control? maybe he has an assistant
¹9 * unangelic: who sticks to the wall?
M3 : yeah.. spiderman can be quite useful for getting good shots

how do you stick a tripod to the ceiling anyway!
[end of added]

Back in Sixth form, I remember listening to my friends talk about their friends who were in university before us. They were telling us stories about how they survived until the end of the month when they have no money, living on instant noodles and just staying in their rooms until the money problem waves down.. and I remember thinking, "oh god, I'd never be like that" and here I am, in uni, starving.. not because I don't have money but because I'd like to think that I don't. I'm hungryyyy...... I'm lazy to cook during exam periods anyway, tsk!

I'm worried about coming home fat. Before coming to UK, I never thought of my weight as an issue for me. I enjoyed having my body without worrying about the muffin bits or the buldging tummy bits.. argh, ever since I came here, I think I've become more obsessed with it. It's stupid and it's silly of me, I know. But sometimes you can't help it. You just want to be thin, just like the rest of the thin girls around you. ::sigh::

Ever since I came back here after Easter, I haven't done ANY sports whatsoever. In a way, I think it's just piling up and making me feel worse about myself. God WHEN DID I EVER BECOME SO INSECURE OF MYSELF. I haven't done any jogging because I have problems controlling my breathing and I'm shy. I haven't done any basketball because I feel like I don't fit in with the guys here. It's a shame that they don't want to entertain the idea of playing with a girl.. I wouldn't say they're narrow minded, jus slightly (sometimes) a little too cocky.

I'm going to go grocery shopping tomorrow since I'm out of chicken.. (and yet at the same time, I am running low on cash). It's just a week until allowance day so I guess I can hold on until then with noodles and pasta *giggle* Yes, I am starving myself.. I'd call it a 'diet', you die before you 'ate' :-P Lame lame lame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mustanir's got a new toy.. a lovely Nikon D-50 and I want it :-( I've been encouraging him to take more photos.. haha and he says he's getting bored of me as his 'model' nyerr.. I love his camera :-( We took seriously kick ass photos over the two weeks since the camera first arrived. Oh its so nice.

My Linear Algebra exam is in just over a week, I don't really know how I feel about it. Part of me wants to just get exams done and over with, and part of me wishes there was another week of studying time left. I haven't even looked at my accounting/finance stuff because I'm too worried about my Math papers. Paranoia hits you everywhere when the exam fever comes along.

I'll probably start revising that sometime this week.. i.e tomorrow or Sunday. Then try and cover all the two semester materials for my Calculus and Algebra exams. Nyar. I don't know if I should worry of the fact that I'm not that worried.

I think once second year comes around, I'll *try* and not go home during holidays and go travelling around Europe instead since I'm stuck here for the next three years.. I might as well make the most of it. In just less of a month, MY FIRST YEAR OF UNIVERSITY IS OVER BABY!

I can't wait for tomorrow. Let's hope we get some sun!

plugs: matrixadi, mustanir, hazirah , Jo, ko kev

ps. I'd like to know who visits here. COMMENT with your NAME/LOCATION please! :0D xxx!

I spent most of my weekend at another hall, eating and cooking there ^_^ It was all in fun, me and mustanir played with his new camera most of the day.. you can see photos if you look in my flickr, or his :-) It's revision week here in Lboro, next week will be week 13.. the start of mother of exams.. o.o Most of us are either screwed or going to be screwed. How did the weeks go by so fast? It feels like I haven't really left Brunei that long eh.. Technically since I came home every holiday, I didn't actually "leave".. but if you think about it, I've actually completed a whole year of university, away from home, in UK.


I remember I used to get upset over the tiniest things. Life in Brunei is just so laid back, no wonder people from the rest of the world think we're rich and spoilt. One difference in living here and in Brunei (for me) is that you have to live on yourself. The only person you can actually truly depend on is you. No one's going to wake you up in the morning, no one's going to make you go to class.. no one is going to ask you, "have you studied what you learnt today?"

Coming here, you have to be independent.. you have to know how to clean your own room, do your own dishes.. Basically run your own life. In Brunei, you had a maid to cook, clean and prepare things for you (for me anyway). I could get away with sleeping in until the afternoon and not worry that I haven't done my laundry because all of that is done for me.

I know a few people who have never cooked nor cleaned their whole life, and can you imagine being unable to do things that you're expected to know when you're at university stage? When you get to university, it's like everyone expects you to grow up, live life like an 'adult'. I wouldn't really go as far as being 'mature' .. but you're walking along that path anyway.


One of the things I hate is the loneliness I feel when I'm here.. Partly because of my lack of social life which is probably because I don't do much to change it.. Maybe next year. It took me a while to make friends in my lectures, let alone make friends with other people. Back home, it felt so easy.. all I had to do was go up to them.. Here, it's like a whole different board game. Who do you say hi to? How do you go up to them without feeling/looking so stupid? Most of the angmos here are quite friendly but I haven't really found any that I truly 'connect' with as a friend.. it's just those random passer-bys ("hey." "hi. you alright?" "yeah" end of story). It's all the same.. I just hope next year will be better.

My social circle here is no different than the one I have in Brunei, it's funny how people seem to just stick to their own kind.. I guess that's just how we're taught to grow up and that's just.. a natural thing for people to do. My friends here are mostly Chinese (just like it is back in Brunei), if we don't include the Bruneians.. and I haven't really been hanging out with the Bruneians much.. I can't really say why because I don't really know. I just hope it's just a phase I'm going to get out of.. I wouldn't say it's me that doesn't want to hang out with them.. I guess our paths and social networks just don't cross very often.

I remember if it weren't for one of them coming up to me after one of my accounting lectures, my friend would probably just be Savio in those classes. I've got my eye on a few angmos that I find interesting.. haha maybe my circle will expand that way in the next academic year :-)

A whole week of not blogging.. My moods escalate just like the weather. It's rained almost every day.. making my life feel gloomier than ever.

Come on Summer. Show me your sun.

plugs: matriXadi, kev, livie, rachael

Monday mornings are usually the days that the fire alarms are tested, I find the sound hurts my ears everytime it turns on. There's also the fact that they don't just do this once, they do this three bloody times. I hate Monday's because of it. The sound is so annoying, and it's even worse when they turn on the other fire alarm. The one I have in my room is battery operated and it beeps on a weekly basis, i.e on frigging Monday's.

I stayed in my block the whole of Sunday, Ko Kev and Mustanir came over and cooked dinner :-) We invited Qian to come over as well. It was nice to see other people on a boring Sunday, and I needed the company to keep me sane. I spent most of that morning working on my courseworks, thank god this week is the last week for courseworks and then I get to spend two luxurious weeks studying my ass off for my up coming exams. Nyer. The salmon was great by the way, I've never tasted it with plum and ginger sauce so that seriously rocked my boat ::thumbs up::

There are a few letters that need to be posted and I need to drop some cheques in to the LSMS account.. nyer. Busy busy busy.

Good luck for exams everyone!!!

plugs: Jo, mockingbird, Mustanir, Ko Kev, matriXadi. you guys rock <3

It's 12:30 in the morning, and I haven't climbed into bed yet. I can't really explain the feeling I have inside of me, maybe because I want it to be there.. or because I'm just naturally depressive. I'm having problems with studying, but I hope that's not going to affect me much over the next few weeks.. I just wanna go home.

Friday night was the Business School Ball, I had a blast with my mates and girlfriends :-) I haven't gone to a party in ages, so it was a lot of fun for me just three weeks before exams start. I've uploaded some of the photos in my flickr, so feel free to visit and comment on them there. What Muneer said today affected me quite badly though it's not really his fault as honestly and subtleness is one of his main traits. I guess I'm going to have to prove him wrong since it's been nine months since we last saw each other.

Well, I better brush off to sleep now.

Muneer told me today that I'm fat.

I think now, I am paranoid.

added: photos at Ringo and Flickr.

International Day was celebrated today in Loughborough. :-) Unfortunately for the Bruneians, we didn't have a Brunei booth because we didn't organize one due to lack of response and responisbility and not to mention laziness. SO. Since I am the treasurer for the Malaysian Society (don't ask me how I wound up there), I helped man (or woman) the stalls.. the Student Union was packed with people from all over the world, familiar faces EVERYWHERE so it was really cool.

I tried my best to explain what a ketupat was, with the peanut and chilli sauce.. and the cekodok, which to me is really cucur pusu (anchovie fritters???!!) and cucur pisang (i.e banana fritters). The kueh koci, pinapple tarts, etcra.. lol people coming up to me and saying, "I wanna take the photo with the Malaysian girl". The guys just laughed because they knew what my nationality was and I had to gently break it to some people that I really wasn't Malaysian, just Malay :-P I tried on one of the outfits the Malaysia Tourism board gave us, and people were going, "This is an example of what a datin looks like in Malaysia". See photos below.

One of them and I made a finger promise to wear our national costumes today, which we did. I wore my blue baju kurung, will post photos of that once I get it off one of the guys who took streams and streams of photos of us. This guy who sat behind me drew a map of the world and tried to get me to explain to him where Brunei was. Funny chap. I remember last term people thought I had a huge crush on him, which I didn't. I just found it remotely embarrassing that whenever he talks or looks at me, they gave me nudges. Like Ew.

Since this blog is really actually about me, I'm going to talk more about me. Today was sufficiently nice. I managed to get through the whole day ignoring the boyfriend, didn't exactly work because I ended up ringing him anyway adding to my already vast phone bill. I ate two bananas, which I didn't enjoy because they weren't ripe yet and I am almost finishing my supply of chocolate M&S sandwiches. I have football in an hour with the guys, but I don't know if I'll go yet because I don't feel like walking there alone. I visited the Japanese stall with Ko Kev, and he drank like two cups of sake in front of me :-\ and Gav drank it like a mad man who's gone without alcohol for a long time. Heh. I didn't drink any, promise :-) but I did get my name written in Japanese which is ultra cool.



I wore make up today, got called girly for the first time in eonks and managed to snag lots of comments on my "bright" and colourful dress :-) I even talked to the Mayor of Lboro and his wife (HOW COOL IS THAT? They wore gold necklaces and everything! The necklaces were huuugee *blinngg*) about the Malaysian food that was served at our stall. He asked about the Wau, which was the traditional kite. woo.

Anyway, I'm off to have a quick dinner and clean up my room. I'm sleeping in late tonight because I have no classes tomorrow morning!!! I'll post up the other photos tomorrow. xx

plugs: Jo, Adeline :-)

When you're not the one who's unable to get restful sleep for a week, do you kinda worry about that other person? It's not that I haven't been able to get 'restful sleep for a week', it's just been a couple of days. Then there's the whole being forgetful thing. I was suppose to go meet up with Koko Kev after my lecture today, and it completely slipped my mind.. and I reminded myself about it just half an hour before the actual meeting. Instead of waiting for him, I somehow managed to absentmindedly walk all the way back to my hall. :-\ I think these are symptoms of stress. I think I am stressed :-(

It's actually 11:04pm right now, and I'm suppose to be asleep to get as much rest as I can.. but I don't know..when ever I climb in to bed, a feeling of lonliness overwhelms me. Is that even normal? I get upset whenever I think about how alone I feel. You know, even when you do have a significant other, it's not enough that you're alone physically.. especially when they can't always be there for you mentally.

I went to all my lectures today, even the ones I didn't enjoy going to. There's only two weeks of uni left until revision week start .. then the exam starts to pile up. :-) I can't wait to get it all done and over with so I can go home and sleep every day with no worries. Nyar! I'd probably end up making cakes every day, but who cares? My family loves the stuff I bake.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADELINE NG :-)
You're 18 now, all big and legal. That doesn't mean you can start going off and
doing illegal things :-P I love you sweetie and I know you wanted me to come
back for your birthday but that's going to have to take a raincheck. And because
I'm broke, I can't afford to send you any presents right now so you're going to
have to wait until I come back to Brunei so we can exchange gifts because you
still haven't gotten me my 19th present either :-P Believe me, I remember. Well
sweetheart, we've been friends for four years now and I think that's a pretty
long time don't you? We've had our differences and had those fights where we
don't talk to each other for a month but after a while we do realise who
our real friends are.. yada yada yada :-) I love you babe, I hope your 18th was
wonderful and I'm sorry I'm not there to make a surprise party for you. hehe
Last year was crap for me because I didn't spend your birthday with you, so this
year.. well, it's no different. But I promise, once all of this uni stuff is
over for you and I, we are so going to waste our time together for our own
birthday celebrations. Hehe Take care of yourself, and I'll see you soon at the
basketball court and Swenson's!! mwahs. xxxx

So. I made a new layout today, it's seriously seriously simplified. I'll be adding things to it every now and then, but for now I guess it'll have to do since I onnly worked on it for a few hours to take a break from studying tonight. I didn't feel like studying, so I ended up doing a lot of thinking. I am so going to have puffy eyes tomorrow.

Life sucks. I have no idea where my boyfriend is. So. It. Really. Sucks.

The shopping trips I've been making are more frequent than usual especially during stressful and paranoia times. Sometimes I wish I didn't spend, but damn it's such a stress reliever. Even though I feel really ugly when I'm trying out new clothes and end up not buying the ones I liked best from the shelves, I feel better after spending a couple hundreds. I am no doubt a money-wasting person when it comes to shopping, but I don't do it very often so I'm still in my green light to go :-)

One of the reasons I shop is due to insecurity. Not only do I feel over weight here, I look horrible once I've dressed up.. sometimes I feel like just staying in bed and wait for the day to get done and over with. And mygod, it's only TUESDAY and I'm already upset. The weeks feel really long, and I'm restless and troublesome. I completed TWO pieces of coursework last night, and the other one isn't even due in until next week. I have another coursework to hand in next week, but I haven't seen that sheet of paper yet. So yah, I'm bumming.

The orang putehs look so funny when they're out screaming, yelling and cheering because the sun's out. Poof, hello mini-skirts, shorts and flip flops! It's a raging 22degs of heat in Loughborough. Oh dearie me, how hilarious it would be if I manage to put them in a country like Brunei (minus the rules about skin) and let them enjoy the glorious heat 24/7. Nyar.

I woke up about half an hour late today because I didn't feel like taking a shower until I went to my first class :-) It was a four hour gap, can you blame me? After the first period, I managed to walk up to the Math department to pass in two of my latest courseworks, of which I think I seriously seriously did not do well in..but who cares? Well, I do really. But I'm going to TRY and do well in the exams. I have been starting to study a bit more. Hopefully that's a good thing and the ideas will stick in my head. Blegh. I took a shower before I left my room anyway, but I washed my hair once I got back. I did my laundry, washed my bedsheets, pick up all the trash in my room.....

My headache's haven't really gone away yet.. don't really know why the boyfriend asked if my stomach was okay when it's actually my head that's been throbbing non-stop. I had a bad problem on Tuesday that I could barely keep my head up that even my tutors were starting to show some concern. I don't think I'm stressed out, but I'm not a doctor :-P Self-diagonsis is very dangereous.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=unangelic <-- Bored? Do that for me.

Fifty is the number of days until I arrive back in to Brunei. YAY.

The exam timetable I'm having looks like a bitch.. but I'm not going to whine about it much because it's more or less the same like the other exams that I sat. UNFAIRNESS nyarrr..

The ratios are exam:coursework/previous exam

Tuesday, June 6nd - Algebra - 70:30
Wednesday, June 7rd - Calculus 70:30
Thursday, June 8th - Management Accounting 75:25
Monday, June 12th - Macroeconomics for Financial Studies 100:0
Tuesday, June 13th - Financial Accounting Fundementals 75:25 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINA!)
Wednesday, June 14th - Probability and Statistics. 70:30

I am going to have such a blast.
Fingers crossed for my economics. That is so going to suck.

Love,
yasmin.
xxxx

I am in a dilemma... and I'm not sure what to do with it. I'd ring up the boyfriend, but I'm pretty sure it's 5am back home. I'm doubtful that anyone would want to talk to me in my hours of need. So, it's either I have always been emotional or it's just my harmone's acting up because I really feel like crying right now.

I got back from London a few hours of two. I had the pleasure of meeting someone new last night, and she was a delight. I spent Friday and Saturday night staying over at Brunei Hall (BH), lusting over some magazines, making random phone calls to Singapore, eating at Satay house with Moans :-), going for morning coffee at Starbucks, taking the bus to Bayswater, getting lost at Bank Station, going to London Dungeon.. =) yarr zeechan, I did go :-)

A girl isn't really a shoppaholic until you show her the REAL places to shop. I met my match at Debenams. God, I wish I had money to spend my heart's content, but that would also mean eating cup noodles for the rest of the term. Soo.. All good things must wait. NYAR. I wish someone would give me money :-( I am guilty of overspending.. all the time. I don't know how I keep my head afloat... or my money for that matter.

With just over £40 to spend for the rest of the month, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up losing weight and come back to Brunei looking like a damn stick because of the whole studying/exam process. I have just over a month until exams finish.. and about eight weeks of staying in UK time. I want to go home as soon as I can to be honest. My exam's finish on the 14th of June. I wish it were sooner.

I called home today, just to say hi to my dad.. :-) I miss both my parents. It's weird living alone, and not being able to see them as often as I would like. It's different because I can't just go into their room and say, "can I have some money to buy this top I saw at [insert shop's name here]?" Over here, I actually have to keep my money for just-in-case uses. :-( No pretty tops because I just simply can't afford it.. for the moment anyway.

The boyfriend was glad to talk to me today but I got all weepy.. just because I missed him. I haven't really cried about the whole seperation thing until today. I guess when you go some place where it's full of memories of where you've spent time together..it just makes it harder to hold it all in. Let's just hope that over time that I'll calm down and everything will be okay again as it once were. :-)

Almost eight month's have passed.. 1st year of uni has already gone by so quickly. Fingers crossed that 2nd year will go just as quickly, if not, faster :-)

Summer holidays. Three months of bliss. and back to YOU. I miss you.

Love,
yasmin.
xx