It'll be alright..

The day started off as humid and you can see that student energy has been drowned out thanks to the kick-ass basketball matches and over-enthusiasm the students have shown over the week. Friday's finally here (in about six hours more or less) and I am happy to say that I am more relieved than ever because it's been a terrible week with a lot of depressing episodes in and out of the school.

The engravement I've held on for so long will once again be fill, and maybe then perhaps, I will feel loves and happiness in a world where I think I belong. I will not cry anymore because that will show my weakness. I am not weak, I am alive and strong. I will seek for my happiness, where I can begin to cherish love and finally belong as the person I am. I love myself, there should be no one that I love more than me before I start loving someone else. - 08:52:49 // 26th April 2004

I feel really twisted today, it's scary. I feel like an out of tuned guitar where everytime you pluck a string, the wrong sound would come out. In other words, I feel spaced and somehow loosely lost. I feel like my mind has turned upside down that even the people who usually cheer me up, can't.

I wanna play basketball.

<3,>

layu..

"Layu" is withered in malay. That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. The post I had up this morning was sent via e-mail since we can't get into blogger.com in school (apparently it's a banned website). I remember my friend telling me that my problems are just temporary and things will get better eventually. I haven't lost hope at that thought, but I do know that it slowly is fading away. Maybe I cry too much, or perhaps it's just another emotional week that I know I can get through if I'm strong enough. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home and not see people from school, or any of my friends for that matter because there are times when I just don't want them to see when I'm weak. Although (and here I am contradicting myself once again), I do wish they knew how I really feel inside.. they never ask, so sometimes you just think.. since they don't ask, maybe you shouldn't tell. Who's really right in that judgement? Should you be the one to tell or should you be the one to wait for them to ask? If you tell them, they'd probably think something among the lines of "why the hell are you telling me this. I do not want to know", or maybe, if you're really lucky they'll be the ones who are actually willing to listen to you. But you don't really know that.

In forwarded e-mails, they always say something among the lines of "you never really know until you try". It's true, unless you tell.. you don't really know what the outcome would be. Isn't it a wonder though? Can you really tell who your true blue friends are? The ones who would step out of the sunshine and walk through the darkness with you? Do you really know? Sure, you might think you might. As I think about it, my list just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great.. they are worth their weight in gold.. but I can't really name anyone who knows what I'm really going through right now who doesn't tell me that I'm stupid or that I should just give up on hope of everything I've ever had, of everything that had once made me happy. "Get over it yas", is something I have heard so often that it hurts. I don't say it to them that does, but it does. It's like a stab because they're the people I confide in. Sometimes, I don't really need anyone to say anything.. I just need someone to listen. People are free to have their own judgement of the whole picture, but I just need someone, anyone, to understand how I'm feeling because sometimes I just can't put into words how much people, my friends, have been hurting me. Sure, you say that you're my shoulder to cry on.. but can you remember how long ago it was I actually cried on your shoulder and tell you what I'm facing in my life?

I have honestly lost hope in most things, and I know that I need to pray to make myself stronger. I've lost hope in trying to rekindle my friendships with most of my friends because I feel like they have pushed me away. I have lost hope in the fact that I will be better one day.. I have come to a point where I think that I am made to be miserable, even though I have tried not to be. Maybe things would start to look up for me once I leave for university and that I just have to struggle with life's challenges placed in front of me for now. I have exactly nine months before I finish Year 13, and less than a year until I start university..

It's not going to be a good week as most people might have guessed. Things are still motioning at its normal pace, but in a blur.. it's so beautiful but I can't see it. Sigh. I could never handle mental pain, because it's never really there and it's suppose to be a figment of our imagination. Pain that comes from your head and thoughts aren't real, but they feel real because we put them there. I'm an emotional person and I think people know that because I am the type to breakdown every now and then. I could never really handle mental pain, I guess that's why people inflict pain upon themselves physically. I think people hurt themselves physically because they can't handle the pain they have inside of them. Having physical pain (like cutting yourself.. or something like that) makes us focus all that mental pain into the cut that you have in physical form. It gives you a chance to cry even harder. I mean, why not.

Nyeh. In case no one knows or has heard, I just got out of a relationship about a week ago. Maybe now things are going to start clearing up for me. I'm okay.

regards,

yarz.

ps. rz, i miss you.

Monday morning.

It’s a Monday morning once again, and we all know that it’ll come around eventually.. I’m in school right now, having my free period. I’m going to do some past year AS accounting papers after I finish typing this. Today came around as quickly as it should have gone, but I don’t know. I still feel empty and at times very much distraught. I’m depressed and I suppose today is just something that not many people can really understand unless you were put into my shoes. It’s a trapped feeling, like you’d like to just break down and cry but you can’t because there are and always will be times when you’re afraid that people might judge you, especially when you belong in the type of community this school is in. People may not seem like they talk about it, but they do.

Life is said to be very fragile and those left behind will feel frail and at times, hopeless. It hurts to be this way, but what other ways are there? What’s the use in pretending to be happy when you’re really not. Why do people smile when they actually want people to know how much they’re really hurting inside? I know I smile (though I do want people to know how I really feel) to people, and I know that I do try to pretend that things are okay for me. To be honest, they’re really not. I don’t really know how I’m suppose to handle my life and just submit myself to whatever challenges that face me throughout the day. I don’t know how I’m able to go on everyday without breaking down. I do know why I’m depressed, but sometimes I don’t think that’s the only reason why. I think I’ve got other things disturbing my mind right now. Ahh, but I don’t really know how to pinpoint it. My life feels unreal and fake, no body really wants to know what goes on in a twisted mind that’s full of anger, hurt and betrayal. It’s like wanting to see like through rose-colored glasses. Do we really want to say to people, “hey I’m here for you”, when we actually mean, “hey, I need you to be here for me too?” Sacrifice is something most people would say that they are willing to give, but things are easier said than done. And we all know that’s true. I wonder how many people have sacrificed themselves just to keep the ones they love happy?

Suicide and suicidal people should never be taken lightly. It’s just not fair. I know that at times people say that they’re fine, do you really believe them? When someone says they’re fine, do you feel relieved and then turn around and say “oh good, now you can help me with my problem”. I think people should help one another, like the message was said this morning in tutor group.. “there is no problem that is big enough that cannot be solved through talking” or something like that. Sure you can talk, but who’s going to really listen? Who’s going to really care?

Sigh. I still wish it didn’t happen.. I still wish nothing ever happened

Love, Yasmin.

"Look at me, look at how I hurt."

and you should. You should look because you don't really know how much a person is really hurting. I wonder how it is possible to not realize, and yet, do realize, how important we actually are to other people. I can't turn back time and re-do a lot of things that I've regretted.. but I have come down to a point where I do realize how life and death comes together and is only seperated by one line.

-sigh.

I don't really remember how many times I broke down and cried over the weekend.. I feel lonely, and things are coming down towards me like a big avalance.. just rumbling and crashing towards the ground. It feels like everything has come down all together at once, and it hit me so hard that I started crying again on the way home today. I know how it is to lose a member of the family, people you love or even just a friend. I know that in many ways, people have their own reasons for leaving the world and I'm sure God has something better in stored for them. But it still hurts.

I tried talking to one of my best friends just now about how I feel. Sigh, it didn't really work because everytime I say something.. s/he will come up with a reason to just backfire it all towards me and make me feel worse. Although, of course, s/he doesn't know this. I know she hates the fact that I am how I am, and I figure that s/he's hostile because s/he can't accept it.. There are too many things that are happening towards us too fast, and if I were in her shoes, I don't think I'd want to imagine how it'd be like if my best friend passed away.. BUT.. I do love you.. even though I can't seem to be able to tell you how badly I'm feeling and how much I really need you right now. Sigh. I called to say that I love you, but I never got round to it because I felt shut out and was made to shut up.. and that's exactly what I did. Maybe next time..

It's just another night that I'd have to go through without the people I love, it's just another night of loneliness. I don't know what I'm doing, you know.. like today.. like now.. everything seems to be passing by in slow motion but its all in a blur. I'm in seriously great need of company right now.. haha, but no one seems to care..

Rest in peace Raechel Lee.. you'll be remembered. I won't ever forget that smile you always had.. xox

love,
yasmin.

Is it enough to just please?

I was telling my friend what a great guy he is, and how people cannot see just how wonderful he is just by looking at him. Beauty's not just skin deep, and I think everyone knows that. I can see and I know that people are beautiful, in many ways, and it does not have to be anything physical. I think it just takes time to see how truely wonderful a person is. If they look good, sure, that's a bonus too. Haha but You, my buddy boy, you're everything and I think anyone who ends up with you is gonna be one helluva lucky woman =) Trust me, I just need you to be confident. It'll work out for the best. hehe luv ya! xox.

It's so beautiful once you sit down and think about the things you ought to appreciate. It's going to be my last year in JIS, and after spending four years (five at the end of June 2005) there I think it's about time I become more appreciative of what I have and be thankful what I've been given. I'm grateful for having great friends, the ones I met on my first day to the ones I hang around with. I'm thankful for being given the best of teachers, for the encouragement and belief they place upon me and my studies.. I'm grateful to be in such a great school where through everyone's eyes, it is as it is appears to be one of the best schools in Asia.

"You're such a wonder to the world. I wonder how you can carry on your life with lies and deception, unraving and unhappy with whatever you have. Maybe that's why you think about death so often, because you are unappreciative of what you have, and you are yet to thank god for the gifts that he has blessed upon you, from your grace to that beautiful smile on your face. Yet, somehow I'd like to laugh at you, laugh at your face.. I'd like to watch you fall apart without your wings. I've pulled away every feather, just the way you did me. How much more pain can you exactly suffer when you know that it is me who has sculpted you so greatly into the lavish work of art that you are? How many more hearts do you wish to break as you did to mine? You're falling apart and everyone else around you can see it.. Maybe you think you don't mean to, but are you sure? I mean, why not? Why not just destroy everything and everyone that crosses your path? With all that power you had, you could have had me and every other heart you held on such a thin string wrapped around that lovely finger. You could have had everything. Now, while every ounce of your pain double stabs your aching heart, you can watch us move on with our lives and into new sunshine and darkness.." - Sam, through my eyes.

I can't really think of any of friends who are beautiful enough to be mentioned, although I think there are times their hearts are in the right places. There are times when I can feel the vibes of my friend wanting to be selfish, and unaware of those around him/her, but that's normal. I remember a time when I watched a friend of mine get his heart broken so that the girl he loves can be happy with the one she loves, and I can perfectly remember a time when I did the same. At most times, you're just the passer-by, just another speckle of dust as part of a wide audience. Although, you never really know what's happening and what everyone's thinking. It's like watching a silent movie and assuming what people are saying, when its actually something completely opposite. I guess that's when rumours start, lies and deception emerge. That's when hearts get broken, that's when you feel like you've been stabbed in the back, that's when misassumptions overtake your love for one another like a blanket.. and that's when everything would shatter just as a glass ball would as it falls on to the ground after rolling from the edge of a table..

I wonder how it is, living just one life. Having that one life where everyone has the same view of who you actually are rather than having one group of people picturing you as someone while the other sees you in a different way. I know that most teenages live two lives, they're completely (well, VERY much) different when they're at home and when they're away from home. One of my best friends actually prefers the me that's at home, I guess in many ways I do lead a double life. Outside, as this bubbly happy-go-lucky person, and inside.. as this pessimestic suicidal maniac.. haha well, I try to bring that inside person out at times.. it doesn't usually work, but yeah that side of me has come out every once in a while. I know that I have a group of friends who have seen me in different moods, and I also know that I have a group of friends who have always made me high and happy because well, we mix very well together. I know that there's a group of friends that I have who don't really know who I am (and I don't know them that well either) and that we've all made a point that we don't need to know their backgrounds.. we just need to live around each other for the moment, and nothing more. I can't relax when I'm out.. not with rules imposed on me and everyone about how to act around society.. I know that we have to be careful in what we do, but heck, rules destroy the fun.

Tra la la la..

love,
yasmin.

do you wonder why..

It's a nice refreshing chage to all the dark and bold colours I've used for my layouts. I received in my face comments, because those who've seen the previews were in school when I brought my laptop in. So a big thank you to Hazie, Shahyzul and that big year 13 Jan guy (who's name I've forgotten yet again. Haha, I'm hopeless).

[added] My head is spinning and I don't feel well today. It's so different now that I've got my sleeping patter messed up thanks to the boyfriend who makes me stay up until the late hours of night (10pm is late okay?). Evil. blah. I'm chatting with Mel and Eng Hock on msn. I was talking to Mel about religion issues and how we're affected by it. Nyah I've dated a few guys I had religion issues with, it was hell for both sides. But it's true.. even for me, religion would go first.. not love.

I went browsing through my old photos in /s/pix.. and started reminiscing about the past. The old times are always the best times because you always remember good memories. I can't forget because I don't have any bad memories to place you in, because all we had were good times.. and I'll love you for that, for giving me a chance to be happy with you even if it was just for a while.

I made a display photo of me and Rz the other day from the photos he's been sending me. I didn't know he had a photo of me smiling like that..haha I cropped here and there, and viola! :D Haha, I've got people telling me that he looks a bit like Brandon, lol. I guess everyone who knows B has been telling me that, it's so weird..hehe I made a whole bunch of others as well, for Mel, Michael and Hiang. haha :) I even made one for Rach because she asked for it..lol

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIZZYPOOP!! love you babe xoxox

well. bye.

much love,

yarz.

Just what I needed..

Three words and my whole world caves in. I'm stuck in a spot where I don't want to be, in a place where I wish never existed and inside a hole that I might as well have dug up myself into. It's like a domain inside a cage, another world trapped inside someone's closed palm. It's a weird concept, I know.

Can you really think about it though? Everyone is changing and I'm not so sure if I give a damn anymore. I can't seem to communicate with my best friends and it seems like they don't want to communicate with me either. But you know what? I really don't give a shit because what's the point if everytime I'm the one who tries to work things out only to have them repeat the same thing and just make a mess of things? Trust me, you're not worth it even though you ought to know that I love you by now. And you don't need me to reassure you that I do, because right now, I need you to assure me that you love me too.

Sometimes I wish I had the strength to just say what the hell my problem is with people, but I don't. I can admit to that because I don't like creating problems and would much rather keep things to myself. I don't enjoy bitching about other people (with of course a few exceptions), but that's because I'd like to keep thing professional and well, bitching about people isn't that nice of a thing anyway. There are a lot of people I don't like, and I think those who do know that I don't like them have a clear idea that I don't because I don't talk to them, nor do I try to even work things out because what's the point and it'd be a waste of time because they usually end up doing something stupid to make me not like them again.

I hate smokers, I really hate them. Sigh, but unfortunately for me, about four of the most important people in my life are bloody chain smokers. I love them, but I still can't come around to accepting them. I remember a time when they respected me by not smoking when I'm around, and now all they do is flaunt it in my face. It's just shit.. and it's tearing me apart because what I just said goes against the barriers of friendship. Heh. I guess understanding and respect plays a part.. it just doesn't work that way anymore huh?

School's started, and I suppose everyone is entitled to their own opinion on how things are done in school. Personally, I don't mind homework.. but when the principal has emphasized and somehow managed to convince the staff to give at least an hours worth of homework every night, and even if you have the minimum of four teachers, that's still a shitload of work to do with four hours of your life cut down the drain. And what about those who have at least 8 teachers pestering them? They probably are given two days to do the homework before seeing the teacher again, but still.. That's a hell load of work to do. Homework is okay, but it should still be moderated because we're not super creatures and everyone knows that students are lazy and would probably have other things that they'd consider better to do.

When I first walked into the doors of S21, into my first year of A levels.. the first few things I learn on that day is that the teachers expect us to study two hours per subject a day. In the first year, we were expected to take 5 AS levels, meaning they'd be expecting us to study 10 hours (outside school) a day. School begins every morning at 7:45 and ends at around 2:30 (roughly), that's already 6 and a half hours per day. Consider the after school activities, which is about another hour or so, all together you spend about 8 hours in school til about 4:30. Let's consider me, I come to school roughly around 7:30am everyday and I go home at about 3:30pm, depending on what day it is and what after school activities I have. By the time I arrive home, it'll be 4:15pm and I'd have to have a late lunch and a shower. After I'm done doing whatever it is I need to do to freshen up, it'll be around 5:30pm. And then, there's homework to do, which usually roughly takes me about two hours to tackle. This and that, it's 7:30pm. I go to bed at 9:00pm, that leaves me about an hour and a half to 'study', which I usually don't... haha man, how I'm going to fit the so called expected 10hour study period a day, I don't know. I just seriously do not have the time.

Two weeks of school has been over and done with, and it's now a Monday morning. In just over twenty four hours, it'll be another week of dread and misery.. I used to look forward for school, it gave me a reason to actually work hard and try my best. Right now, it feels like I've given up hope. I really hope this isn't part of growing up, where you actually begin to dislike school and just crave for weekends. Maybe I've just had a much too exciting summer that school is boring to comparison. Hah, yeah right. I was craving for school to start by the 3rd week into the holidays.

A Royal Wedding happened last week between the Crown Prince and the new Crown Princess. Cute. The wedding took just over a week with over 100+ press from all over the world covering it and it was televised all around the world.. It rained heavily during that day, I'm just praying that it meant blessings from God. I wish the new couple luck and a bright future. I learnt that there are only two Sultanates in the world, Brunei Darussalam and the Country of Oman. Cool eh? That means I'm living in one of the only two Sultanates in the world.. that's so .. cool.

I love Brunei you know? I know sometimes I call it a hell hole but its the people here who make me think that this place is a mess because the country's so small that gossip travels like the way you'd spread honey over bread, meaning it spreads everywhere. And people here, not only do they listen.. they add things to it, and make it more juicer. "You know this kid, the son/daughter of.., and the nephew/niece of.." my god, it's true.. you just can't escape because everyone knows your name.. haha quote, "Everyone knows my name, but they don't know me.." Sigh.

But hey, I do appreciate the country and I'm grateful that we have such a great and wonderful loving Sultan. The 29th Sultan of Brunei, and his sucessor.. the Crown Prince will become the 30th. :) It's nice seeing all the banners around town saying, "Allah selamatkan Pengantin diRaja", meaning God save the Royal Wedding, or something like that. When you think about it, you'd learn to appreciate things more because the education we get here is free, along with medical services ($1 payment is very cheap compared to others okay.) and we're tax free. We are lucky and very much blessed to be living in a conservative country such as Brunei. Thank you Allah.

I guess I'm learning to see things in a different perspective because what do I know? I might die tomorrow right. I ought to live today like there is no tomorrow. Sigh :)

Maybe that's why I've been pulling away from all of you so much.. It wouldn't hurt as much if you didn't know me that well anymore. I think all of you should know who you are.

love,

yarz.

Once in a while..

Ya Allah

Today, upon a bus,

I saw a girl with golden hair.

and wished I was as fair.

When suddenly she rose to leave,

I saw her hobble down the aisle.

She had one leg and wore a crutch.

But as she passed, a smile.

Ya Allah, forgive me when I whine.

I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy.

The lad who sold it had such charm.

I talked with him, he seemed so glad.

If I were late, it'd do no harm.

And as I left, he said to me,

"I thank you, you've been so kind.

It's nice to talk with folks like you.

You see," he said, "I'm blind."

Ya Allah, forgive me when I whine.

I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street,

I saw a child with eyes of blue.

He stood and watched the others play.

He did not know what to do.

I stopped a moment and then I said,

"Why don't you join the others, dear?"

He looked ahead without a word.

And then I knew, he couldn't hear.

Ya Allah, forgive me when I whine.

I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go.

With eyes to see the sunset's glow.

With ears to hear what I'd know.

Ya Allah, forgive me when I whine.

I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

---

regards to Azrul and my abang Ipen for sending this email to me. xoxo.

fat ugly cow..

due to unprofesionalism.. heheh this post is deleted.. no you cannot read anymore. =P