layu..

"Layu" is withered in malay. That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. The post I had up this morning was sent via e-mail since we can't get into blogger.com in school (apparently it's a banned website). I remember my friend telling me that my problems are just temporary and things will get better eventually. I haven't lost hope at that thought, but I do know that it slowly is fading away. Maybe I cry too much, or perhaps it's just another emotional week that I know I can get through if I'm strong enough. Sometimes I wish I could just stay home and not see people from school, or any of my friends for that matter because there are times when I just don't want them to see when I'm weak. Although (and here I am contradicting myself once again), I do wish they knew how I really feel inside.. they never ask, so sometimes you just think.. since they don't ask, maybe you shouldn't tell. Who's really right in that judgement? Should you be the one to tell or should you be the one to wait for them to ask? If you tell them, they'd probably think something among the lines of "why the hell are you telling me this. I do not want to know", or maybe, if you're really lucky they'll be the ones who are actually willing to listen to you. But you don't really know that.

In forwarded e-mails, they always say something among the lines of "you never really know until you try". It's true, unless you tell.. you don't really know what the outcome would be. Isn't it a wonder though? Can you really tell who your true blue friends are? The ones who would step out of the sunshine and walk through the darkness with you? Do you really know? Sure, you might think you might. As I think about it, my list just keeps getting smaller and smaller. Don't get me wrong, my friends are great.. they are worth their weight in gold.. but I can't really name anyone who knows what I'm really going through right now who doesn't tell me that I'm stupid or that I should just give up on hope of everything I've ever had, of everything that had once made me happy. "Get over it yas", is something I have heard so often that it hurts. I don't say it to them that does, but it does. It's like a stab because they're the people I confide in. Sometimes, I don't really need anyone to say anything.. I just need someone to listen. People are free to have their own judgement of the whole picture, but I just need someone, anyone, to understand how I'm feeling because sometimes I just can't put into words how much people, my friends, have been hurting me. Sure, you say that you're my shoulder to cry on.. but can you remember how long ago it was I actually cried on your shoulder and tell you what I'm facing in my life?

I have honestly lost hope in most things, and I know that I need to pray to make myself stronger. I've lost hope in trying to rekindle my friendships with most of my friends because I feel like they have pushed me away. I have lost hope in the fact that I will be better one day.. I have come to a point where I think that I am made to be miserable, even though I have tried not to be. Maybe things would start to look up for me once I leave for university and that I just have to struggle with life's challenges placed in front of me for now. I have exactly nine months before I finish Year 13, and less than a year until I start university..

It's not going to be a good week as most people might have guessed. Things are still motioning at its normal pace, but in a blur.. it's so beautiful but I can't see it. Sigh. I could never handle mental pain, because it's never really there and it's suppose to be a figment of our imagination. Pain that comes from your head and thoughts aren't real, but they feel real because we put them there. I'm an emotional person and I think people know that because I am the type to breakdown every now and then. I could never really handle mental pain, I guess that's why people inflict pain upon themselves physically. I think people hurt themselves physically because they can't handle the pain they have inside of them. Having physical pain (like cutting yourself.. or something like that) makes us focus all that mental pain into the cut that you have in physical form. It gives you a chance to cry even harder. I mean, why not.

Nyeh. In case no one knows or has heard, I just got out of a relationship about a week ago. Maybe now things are going to start clearing up for me. I'm okay.

regards,

yarz.

ps. rz, i miss you.