"Look at me, look at how I hurt."

and you should. You should look because you don't really know how much a person is really hurting. I wonder how it is possible to not realize, and yet, do realize, how important we actually are to other people. I can't turn back time and re-do a lot of things that I've regretted.. but I have come down to a point where I do realize how life and death comes together and is only seperated by one line.

-sigh.

I don't really remember how many times I broke down and cried over the weekend.. I feel lonely, and things are coming down towards me like a big avalance.. just rumbling and crashing towards the ground. It feels like everything has come down all together at once, and it hit me so hard that I started crying again on the way home today. I know how it is to lose a member of the family, people you love or even just a friend. I know that in many ways, people have their own reasons for leaving the world and I'm sure God has something better in stored for them. But it still hurts.

I tried talking to one of my best friends just now about how I feel. Sigh, it didn't really work because everytime I say something.. s/he will come up with a reason to just backfire it all towards me and make me feel worse. Although, of course, s/he doesn't know this. I know she hates the fact that I am how I am, and I figure that s/he's hostile because s/he can't accept it.. There are too many things that are happening towards us too fast, and if I were in her shoes, I don't think I'd want to imagine how it'd be like if my best friend passed away.. BUT.. I do love you.. even though I can't seem to be able to tell you how badly I'm feeling and how much I really need you right now. Sigh. I called to say that I love you, but I never got round to it because I felt shut out and was made to shut up.. and that's exactly what I did. Maybe next time..

It's just another night that I'd have to go through without the people I love, it's just another night of loneliness. I don't know what I'm doing, you know.. like today.. like now.. everything seems to be passing by in slow motion but its all in a blur. I'm in seriously great need of company right now.. haha, but no one seems to care..

Rest in peace Raechel Lee.. you'll be remembered. I won't ever forget that smile you always had.. xox

love,
yasmin.