Monday morning.

It’s a Monday morning once again, and we all know that it’ll come around eventually.. I’m in school right now, having my free period. I’m going to do some past year AS accounting papers after I finish typing this. Today came around as quickly as it should have gone, but I don’t know. I still feel empty and at times very much distraught. I’m depressed and I suppose today is just something that not many people can really understand unless you were put into my shoes. It’s a trapped feeling, like you’d like to just break down and cry but you can’t because there are and always will be times when you’re afraid that people might judge you, especially when you belong in the type of community this school is in. People may not seem like they talk about it, but they do.

Life is said to be very fragile and those left behind will feel frail and at times, hopeless. It hurts to be this way, but what other ways are there? What’s the use in pretending to be happy when you’re really not. Why do people smile when they actually want people to know how much they’re really hurting inside? I know I smile (though I do want people to know how I really feel) to people, and I know that I do try to pretend that things are okay for me. To be honest, they’re really not. I don’t really know how I’m suppose to handle my life and just submit myself to whatever challenges that face me throughout the day. I don’t know how I’m able to go on everyday without breaking down. I do know why I’m depressed, but sometimes I don’t think that’s the only reason why. I think I’ve got other things disturbing my mind right now. Ahh, but I don’t really know how to pinpoint it. My life feels unreal and fake, no body really wants to know what goes on in a twisted mind that’s full of anger, hurt and betrayal. It’s like wanting to see like through rose-colored glasses. Do we really want to say to people, “hey I’m here for you”, when we actually mean, “hey, I need you to be here for me too?” Sacrifice is something most people would say that they are willing to give, but things are easier said than done. And we all know that’s true. I wonder how many people have sacrificed themselves just to keep the ones they love happy?

Suicide and suicidal people should never be taken lightly. It’s just not fair. I know that at times people say that they’re fine, do you really believe them? When someone says they’re fine, do you feel relieved and then turn around and say “oh good, now you can help me with my problem”. I think people should help one another, like the message was said this morning in tutor group.. “there is no problem that is big enough that cannot be solved through talking” or something like that. Sure you can talk, but who’s going to really listen? Who’s going to really care?

Sigh. I still wish it didn’t happen.. I still wish nothing ever happened

Love, Yasmin.