Three words and my whole world caves in. I'm stuck in a spot where I don't want to be, in a place where I wish never existed and inside a hole that I might as well have dug up myself into. It's like a domain inside a cage, another world trapped inside someone's closed palm. It's a weird concept, I know.
Can you really think about it though? Everyone is changing and I'm not so sure if I give a damn anymore. I can't seem to communicate with my best friends and it seems like they don't want to communicate with me either. But you know what? I really don't give a shit because what's the point if everytime I'm the one who tries to work things out only to have them repeat the same thing and just make a mess of things? Trust me, you're not worth it even though you ought to know that I love you by now. And you don't need me to reassure you that I do, because right now, I need you to assure me that you love me too.
Sometimes I wish I had the strength to just say what the hell my problem is with people, but I don't. I can admit to that because I don't like creating problems and would much rather keep things to myself. I don't enjoy bitching about other people (with of course a few exceptions), but that's because I'd like to keep thing professional and well, bitching about people isn't that nice of a thing anyway. There are a lot of people I don't like, and I think those who do know that I don't like them have a clear idea that I don't because I don't talk to them, nor do I try to even work things out because what's the point and it'd be a waste of time because they usually end up doing something stupid to make me not like them again.
I hate smokers, I really hate them. Sigh, but unfortunately for me, about four of the most important people in my life are bloody chain smokers. I love them, but I still can't come around to accepting them. I remember a time when they respected me by not smoking when I'm around, and now all they do is flaunt it in my face. It's just shit.. and it's tearing me apart because what I just said goes against the barriers of friendship. Heh. I guess understanding and respect plays a part.. it just doesn't work that way anymore huh?
School's started, and I suppose everyone is entitled to their own opinion on how things are done in school. Personally, I don't mind homework.. but when the principal has emphasized and somehow managed to convince the staff to give at least an hours worth of homework every night, and even if you have the minimum of four teachers, that's still a shitload of work to do with four hours of your life cut down the drain. And what about those who have at least 8 teachers pestering them? They probably are given two days to do the homework before seeing the teacher again, but still.. That's a hell load of work to do. Homework is okay, but it should still be moderated because we're not super creatures and everyone knows that students are lazy and would probably have other things that they'd consider better to do.
When I first walked into the doors of S21, into my first year of A levels.. the first few things I learn on that day is that the teachers expect us to study two hours per subject a day. In the first year, we were expected to take 5 AS levels, meaning they'd be expecting us to study 10 hours (outside school) a day. School begins every morning at 7:45 and ends at around 2:30 (roughly), that's already 6 and a half hours per day. Consider the after school activities, which is about another hour or so, all together you spend about 8 hours in school til about 4:30. Let's consider me, I come to school roughly around 7:30am everyday and I go home at about 3:30pm, depending on what day it is and what after school activities I have. By the time I arrive home, it'll be 4:15pm and I'd have to have a late lunch and a shower. After I'm done doing whatever it is I need to do to freshen up, it'll be around 5:30pm. And then, there's homework to do, which usually roughly takes me about two hours to tackle. This and that, it's 7:30pm. I go to bed at 9:00pm, that leaves me about an hour and a half to 'study', which I usually don't... haha man, how I'm going to fit the so called expected 10hour study period a day, I don't know. I just seriously do not have the time.
Two weeks of school has been over and done with, and it's now a Monday morning. In just over twenty four hours, it'll be another week of dread and misery.. I used to look forward for school, it gave me a reason to actually work hard and try my best. Right now, it feels like I've given up hope. I really hope this isn't part of growing up, where you actually begin to dislike school and just crave for weekends. Maybe I've just had a much too exciting summer that school is boring to comparison. Hah, yeah right. I was craving for school to start by the 3rd week into the holidays.
A Royal Wedding happened last week between the Crown Prince and the new Crown Princess. Cute. The wedding took just over a week with over 100+ press from all over the world covering it and it was televised all around the world.. It rained heavily during that day, I'm just praying that it meant blessings from God. I wish the new couple luck and a bright future. I learnt that there are only two Sultanates in the world, Brunei Darussalam and the Country of Oman. Cool eh? That means I'm living in one of the only two Sultanates in the world.. that's so .. cool.
I love Brunei you know? I know sometimes I call it a hell hole but its the people here who make me think that this place is a mess because the country's so small that gossip travels like the way you'd spread honey over bread, meaning it spreads everywhere. And people here, not only do they listen.. they add things to it, and make it more juicer. "You know this kid, the son/daughter of.., and the nephew/niece of.." my god, it's true.. you just can't escape because everyone knows your name.. haha quote, "Everyone knows my name, but they don't know me.." Sigh.
But hey, I do appreciate the country and I'm grateful that we have such a great and wonderful loving Sultan. The 29th Sultan of Brunei, and his sucessor.. the Crown Prince will become the 30th. :) It's nice seeing all the banners around town saying, "Allah selamatkan Pengantin diRaja", meaning God save the Royal Wedding, or something like that. When you think about it, you'd learn to appreciate things more because the education we get here is free, along with medical services ($1 payment is very cheap compared to others okay.) and we're tax free. We are lucky and very much blessed to be living in a conservative country such as Brunei. Thank you Allah.
I guess I'm learning to see things in a different perspective because what do I know? I might die tomorrow right. I ought to live today like there is no tomorrow. Sigh :)
Maybe that's why I've been pulling away from all of you so much.. It wouldn't hurt as much if you didn't know me that well anymore. I think all of you should know who you are.
love,
yarz.
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