and that makes everything better.

Just about 20 minutes til we break fast. yay =) My head is spinning though because I haven't eaten since last night, I'm not starving.. maybe just a little bit drowsy. I do too much thinking, and I think I've been resting too much. My mechanics exam is in less than three days and my accounting exam is in less than five. Uh oh.

I ought to be panicking, considering that the revision I've been doing.. I don't think its enough, though I've been doing 2 papers a day.. haiz. I have started on my mechanics, but i dunno.. seems like I'm putting accounting first. nyeh. thank goodness Monday's a holiday. thank you thank you.

I was going to go out with Ade and Rach, but some problems got into the way and I guess our plans for tonight are cancelled. oh well. Bad luck ain't it girls? Maybe next time.

I wonder what I'm going to do tonight instead. Maybe I'll just cuddle up to my new ty stuffed monkey, digits.. and read a book or something. I don't think I want to go online tonight because I just want to rest. I've been up since 6:30am, and I was really looking forward in going out tonight. Piffle. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Anyhoots, Rz's gonna be back in Brunei on Thursday. I. Absolutely. Cannot. Wait. haha. I think JIS is going to go against SAS on Thursday evening though, hopefully I can make it because my exams are in the afternoon and should finish right before the game starts so I can be scorekeeper..hehe ^^

10 minutes to go til sungkai!!

love,
yarz.
xxx

things i'll never say.

It's almost 5am. lol. I finished eating my 'sahur' about 30minutes ago.. I've been cooking for myself a lot lately, besides that.. I think I've been pigging out too much. Bleh. I think I must've gained weight, no I don't think.. I know I've gained weight. That's. So. Depressing.

It's been five months since you went away
Left without a word and nothing to say
When I was the one who gave you my heart and soul
But it wasn't good enough for you, no
So I asked God

I miss ade and rach. I haven't hung out with them properly for ages. Bleh. I'm trying to but I can never seem to find time and it sucks. I still freak out when they try the whole sony thing XP it's freaky. I try not to freak, but I still do. hehe. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just freak at stuff like that. Sheesh, I'm such a hyprocrite. But a lovable one at that. Haha. Oh well, hopefully after my exams I'll have more time to spend with you two, and I will try not make myself stay home because that seems to be what's happening right now. I've been staying at home, just bumming around.. trying to relax my mind. I'll go out for about an hour or two, spend time with some people that I haven't seen for a bit.. then go home and rest.

God sent me an angel
From the heavens above
Sent me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God sent me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes

Then again, maybe I've done too much relaxing because I actually am learning to enjoy staying at home. I don't hate my house as much as I used to, but yeah.. I like it a bit better now. I'm learning to say no to friends when they ask me to go out, because.. well, I don't want it to take over my life like it once did. There's only one of me, and plenty of other people who want me to go out. sigh. It sucks because some people start to think I don't wanna hang out with them because I'm always with other people.. I hang out some more frequently than others, but it's not intentional. It never is. I never mean to hurt anyone. =( I hate being accused of things like that.

School holidays started on Friday. I spent the weekend in Singapore with my family though I barely saw them during the trip. Haha. A few of my close friends went down to Singapore for their Oxbrige (oxford, cambridge) interviews. I spent the first night there out with Hazie, we had Haagen Daz across the street..hehe yummy =D and got back to the hotel around 11:30pm because well, we were 'tired'. I spent the next morning with Hazie too, we ran into Brandon in the streets of Orchard Road (omg), and actually walked from our hotel to the hotel Aimi and Michelle were staying in at the end of Orchard Road. Man, ngalih lahhh.

And I know it might sound crazy
But after all that I still love you
You wanna come back in my life
But now there is something I have to do
I have to tell the one that I once adored
That they can't have my love no more
Cause my heart can't take no more lies
And my eyes are all out of cries

Anyway, mum and dad bought my sis and I tickets to watch Mama Mia at the Esplanade Stadium. For tickets that cost SG$132, it seriously was worth it. I had a great time even though we had to wait 30 minutes for a cab to actually come. Haha. Aimi and Michelle were waiting for me at the hotel when I got back, they had packages and bags of shopping stuff. My goodness how those girls can shop. Haha. I stayed out with them til late, and Rz texted me around midnight.

He had good news =) He's coming back to Brunei. He's coming home. haha. I was so frigging happy, I felt like dancing on the street. HAHAHA. But then that would appear like I'm crazy or something.. dancing around. Anyways, I slept in the next day, woke up around 9am (yes, that is late to me). Mum bought me a watch from Burberry's. It's so nice =D I can't wait to wear it in school.

God sent me an angel
From the heavens above
Sent me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God sent me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes

Shahyzul arrived in Singapore around 1pm. I met up with him an hour later at Borders. We went shopping, he bought about SG$120 worth of CD's. Personally, I think he's nuts for spending that amount of money on CDs.. but then again, we're suppose to be against piracy right.. heh, right.. after that we went to Far East Plaza after a longgg walk from HMV.

I bought.. a lot of t-shirts. Haha. I bought about 4 shirts from Ice Lemon Tee, 5 from I Inc and 2 from Crazy Bones. Haha. Don't worry Ade, Rach.. I did get you something XP I'll pass it to you when I see you.. but you have to be together at the time because I can't decide who gets which colour. Haha. mwah. I bought the Nelly Suit CD. I wanted to get Sweat as well then I started doubting myself because I hate wasting money on CDs. The CD's quite nice actually, very sexy tracks. Haha.

Now you had me on my knees
Begging God please to send you back to me
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep
You made me feel like I could not breathe
Now all I wanted to do was to feel your touch
And give you all my love
But you took my love for granted
Want my lovin' now
But you can't have it
God

Anyway, I left for the airport around 7-ish. My flight was around 10pm back to Brunei. Hrr.. there were a lot of Japanese boys wondering around at the terminal. lol. I looked, but didn't touch XP I went online, hoping to chat with those two girls, but they weren't on. But I did webcam with Rz and Khalid.

Arrived back in Brunei a little after midnight. Miss called all of them, except for Ade who's phone was busy XP I slept in on Monday, with no intentions of going out. I didn't feel like it, nor could I have been stuffed to go. But I went out anyway.. but only for a bit to have dinner with Hafiz, cos he asked so nicely. Aimi and the rest of the Oxbridge people came back on Tuesday. I stopped by her house to pick up the brownies I asked her to buy for me.. hehe I think I stayed there for about half an hour or something. We just hung out in her room and talked about her stay in Singapore.. and some other things.

I realize that I'm not getting any younger (lol), and I am learning not to let people take me for granted. I'm pulling myself back from the things I normally do because I've been too nice, and what's the point in letting them walk all over me? Screw that. I don't want any one walking over me, and I don't want to walk over other people either. I know I've changed dramatically over the past few months, and I know that I haven't been as close to people as I should have and might have been. I may regret some things that's happened, but at the same time I am thankful that it has happened. I have learnt a lot about myself, about how I far I'm able to withstand pain, and how far I've allowed people to drag me about. I know that sometimes I've got friends who think I'm not there for them.. I try to be. and I figured that they would know that.

I've been neglecting my phone a lot. Haha. I haven't been using it as much, and yeah I think I can live without a phone. I keep it in my room now and I don't bother with it when I'm at home. I remember I used to take it everywhere I go with me, and now I realize that it isn't as important anymore.. because I don't have much to do with it anyway besides play the games or delete whatever messages I've received throughout the day. I still get miss calls from unknown numbers which scares me because I don't know who these people are or what their intentions are for calling me up =( It's just scary.

Haha. I remember the other day when I was on the plane, one of the air stewards asked for my number. lol. All I did was smile, and that was all they got from me XP It's so early in the morning right now. I wonder if anyone's awake yet.

I was hoping Rz would come online just now..haha guess he's not. Oh well. It's almost 6am now. I think I better be going back to bed.

love,
yarz.
xx

28102004

I woke up this morning, and I thought it was Wednesday. My phone says it's Friday and everyone's telling me it's Thursday. Hurrhh??!

anyone game to join me in horror-thon? says:
i'm trying to learn hwo to be cocky and funny now
¹9 * kissing a smoker is like kissing an ASHTRAYYYY EWW says:
WHY?
anyone game to join me in horror-thon? says:
to get girls, to flirt with girls, to make them like me? haha i figured its no use being nice.. i'll just be used
¹9 * kissing a smoker is like kissing an ASHTRAYYYY EWW says:
aww
anyone game to join me in horror-thon? says:
and its for wussies anyways, so ya...i gotta change if i want results

nyah. you see what happens to the good guys who don't get the girls they want? :( they think of change. blah. I don't understand why guys think girls would only want them if they changed. you know, I think if you don't get something that you want, it's because there's a reason behind it.. and it might be because there's something better in store for you. What's the point in wanting something you know you can't have anyway. There are, and will always be something better coming your way.. you just have got to have the patience to wait for it.

happy birthday XP

hAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY AZEE! MWAH.

haha in case you can't read that.. the first one says "I *heart* Azee27 *mwah* love, yarz@unangelic" and the second one says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO AZEE/ALEXA. Happy birthday. Love ya! mwahs. love, yarzx.."i hope you have a great birthday darling..heehee since i'm not there to enjoy it with you, HAVE FUN. EAT AS MUCH SUSHI AS POSSIBLE..hahaha and AND and eat as much tempuras..hehehe cz you know you love 'em!! HAHAHA mwah. we'll go out one day.. maybe..hehehehe hugs. have a great day sweetie. enjoy being 15..hehehe it comes once in a life time anyway. HAHA for a whole yeaarrrrrrrrrrr.. Enjoy life!! mwah.xoxoxoxoxox

love,

your angel in disguise ;D

yarz.

Thanks. =)

You know the feeling when you're actually very stressed and things just feel like rocks are being tied down on your skin and its like, dragging you down. It's like if you jumped into a lake, you'd sink straight away without an after thought? Yesterday, and over the weekend I feel like a huge amount of worries, stress, problems have been lifted off my shoulders and thoughts. I feel like I can just jump, and I'll jump as high as I want to.

Love hurts, it's like a million stabs if things don't go your way. Well you know what? Screw it. Haha. I think I'll be fine the way I am, and I'm relieved in a number of delirious ways. My exams are coming up, and a large amount of my troubles have been lifted off my shoulders. It's been allowing me to move on with my life because it's not often you get hit by an epiphany.

I finally realized (after three years of constant nagging from my friends and after three years of finally building up the courage to deal with my life) that things are better when you learn to clear the air and not pretend like nothing's wrong. From now on, I think I'll settle my problems that way. I'll be blunt and upfront, and maybe sometimes a bit more sensitive than I sound..haha

I broke down this morning in my math class, my teacher took me outside to help me calm down. I felt like a nervous wreck, but I'm okay now. I've got a few teachers that expressed their concerns for me this afternoon, its nice to know that people care. xx. I guess my stress levels and all my work load and worries finally caught up with me. I'm gonna have to learn to relax this weekend, as I did last weekend.

Thank god it's the final week before midterm break. Then I'd have to sit my mechanics 1 exam on the 2nd of November, and my accounting exams on the 3rd. :) and you know what's weird? I can hardly wait.

love,
yarz

annoyance.

I'm annoyed. I have been annoyed for the past few hours. It's becoming so annoying that it's not funny anymore. I ought to be calming down, but prior to my annoyance, two hours work just disappeared without a trace down the drain because my computer decided to switch off *POOF* just like that. AAAHHH.. I'm so annoyed.

But I'll keep pleasant thoughts at bay because I'm worried I might hurt someone with the thoughts I'm having right now. I'm relieved, and most of all content. I did something I can be very proud of on Saturday night, and straight after, i e-mailed my close/best friends and told them what I've decided upon. It just shows who your real friends are, and those who actually care about you. and hey, it also showed me who didn't give a rats ass. So I should just exclude those people from my next inspirational outburst because, what the hey, you don't care. Thanks to those who messaged me online, or e-mailed me back. It meant a lot.
p.s. randy, i tried to email you but your inbox was full. hugs.

Life goes on doesn't it? So do people. I finally confronted my fears, and I'm finally really wanting to let go. I realized a lot of things that night, and I know he did too. I'll bet this is going to be the best decision I've ever made in my life. I know that he's thankful that I finally confronted him and told him how I felt. Letting go is never easy, I think we all know that. Though, I'd like to think that this time I mean it. I meant every word I sent in my email.. and some were meant to indirectly offend people or at least brush towards the problem I've been having with some of them. I'm just hoping they wouldn't take the offence too seriously. But I think now, my best friends are all on the same level of knowing me because all of them received the same email.. and that way everyone has one clear perception of me. It's like they've all restarted back to level one. Now, I can learn which ones actually want to care about me, which ones are avoiding me, which ones are pretending to care.. sigh. waddaya know? You can learn so much in just two days. It hurts, and I know you read the site. And I think you ought to know. Maybe you'll realize something. Maybe you won't take me for granted so much.

I'm not as weak as people think. Although I always look like I'm going to burst out crying at any moment, I can be stronger. I'm human, so it's natural for me to be emotional. My life as Yasmin, is surreal. It isn’t some ‘normal’ every day girl life, I’ve too much drama going oon. It sucks. Sometimes I'm falling apart, I'm thankful I've got people in my life who pull me back together. I'm just learning so much right now that I don't know if I can take it in anymore.

It hurts to know that people can be so harsh in deciding. I just hope my judgment against certain friends are wrong. I'm hoping to be proved wrong, I'm hoping that they'll show me that they do care, soon.. if not ever. There were massive amounts of, "I'm sorry" and "I'm glad for you" that night, haha. I feel like a huge ton of doubts and misunderstandings have been lifted off my shoulders.

I feel like falling in love. Haha.

I feel like being happy.

love,
yarz.

Misunderstandings.

I gaze in amazement at how people that are able to pretend to be able to carry on with their lives, through fake smiles when everyone actually knows how much they’re suffering. It’s sick and despicable. Moreover, I’m ashamed to say that I might be one of them. Sigh. Things in life come one step at a time, I’ve a friend who believes very strongly in karma. It’s his claim to say that when he lost his girlfriend, he gained his car.

Now, he doesn’t want a girlfriend in fear of unbalancing his life, because he might end up losing his car or something as horrible as that. Like I was saying, things in life come one step at a time. If you’d like to achieve something, it’ll take little steps to get there. It doesn’t matter how widely you stride towards it, how many baby steps it took or even, the amount of time it might have taken to crawl towards it, things come into your life one by one. Even though sometimes it feels like you’re at a bottom of a cliff and everyone is throwing down huge boulders towards you and heck, you have no where to hide and just start counting your last moments.. you’ll begin to realize that some problems might actually be blessings in disguise.

Sometimes I’m quite bitter about not being able to be in the student council. I realize now, that God had something better stored in for me. It made me realize that it is actually a good thing that I’m not in the council because it gave me more time to spend studying and it gave me time to have lunch with friends I want to be with.

My best friend’s the head girl, that’s one position I would have wanted, I envy her. There is no doubt that I don’t because it is a very highly ranked leadership position. Though, I notice she’s been very tired lately, and she rarely has times to have lunch with me during the afternoons because of her student council meetings. I guess that’s one of the downfalls of me not being in the council, the fact that I don’t get to be there for her when she needs me when people tend (and they do) get out of hand during their briefings and meetings as such.

Being the observer, I can just simply say most of them are just talk and not much action. They feed in ideas, sure, what’s a council without fresh ideas? Though none of them really want to do whatever it is they inputted, they simply feed it in and hope that someone is eager enough to play patsy and do that tedious task for them. I’m not lashing out at my council, I just thought I’d give them something to think about. I know that if I were in the council, I’d be too committed, and that’s why I said that God had something better planned for me. That’s one reason why it’s a good thing I didn’t get in.

Things in life are weird. It's all about acceptance I suppose. Everything's written up in the books of fate and destiny. I guess this is one point in life where you learn things in life isn't just about the covers, you gotta know more about the inside and the fine prints too.

I want the Avril Lavigne album.

Falling in and out of love quickly isn't one of the things I'm very proud of. But when it happens, it does make a person happy. I'm a sucker for happiness, even if I'm able to feel it for only one second. But then I'd realize I'm living a lie. If I feel happy, not that I don't want to, something doesn't feel right. I'm still missing something in my life. As much as I want to let go of my 'back-then' and burn my massive list of 'what-if' and 'could-have-been's, I don't know how to. After all, whatever pain that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Upfront confrontation isn't really me. I guess sooner or later I'm going to have to do this so that I can set my life straight and actually allow myself to care for and be cared for by someone who deserves me, and someone I deserve. I shouldn't ponder and question things in my life too often because that's when my walls begin to crumble and fall.. and that's when my relationships suffer along with it. I guess I still have a lot to work on.

love,
yarz.

and that's me.

I wanted to make a layout tonight, but I guess that's going to have to wait until my exams pass. Oh well o=) Tomorrow's the first day of Ramadan, meaning its fasting month. I promised myself that I'd get around to completing my work this weekend, and that's going to include:

1. typing up my personal statement.
2. trying to pick out my final university choices. I've got 5 so far.
3. doing at least 2 mechanics1 past year papers
4. re-doing the accounting test I sat last week
5. re-reading my AS accounting topics.

All that and then, I'll just pray to God that my luck during the exams will surface. I hate multiple choice papers.. grr..

me, two weeks agoand me, today

I broke my phone housing (or casing, which ever you prefer).. so I bought one of those cheap imitation covers just in case I'm going to end up breaking this one as well. It's green. Lime green to be exact.. haha and it's so nice.

I've been wanting to get the cover for a while, and with my phone housing being *accidently* broken.. da de dum.. what other perfect reason can you come up with to buy a new housing for Sam the first. hehe :)

My friends think I'm spoilt. lol. They think I'm a spoilt little rich kid who gets whatever she wants XP I'm not okay? haha. There are plenty of people who are worse than me, and I don't usually ask for much things anyway.. and when I do, hoo boy.. lol.

I have new bed sheet covers for my bed. haha I've been sleeping in comfort for the past 5 days ;D and about an hour ago, a new materess was delivered to my room. migod, I'm so happy.

I got my hair done today, went to D'Bliss because the guy that does my hair moved there.. haha he's hilarious.

Sometimes, it's like I miss my blonde highlights.. but I think I'm better off being a brunette because I look more conservative rather than the whole blonde/orange hair thing where people would picture me as wild..haha and my old hair colour made me look too pale for people's liking (tho I seemed to like my skin tone better then rather than now).

I look darker, hehe but it's funny because when I came to school the day after I dyed it brown.. George and Pheng Seng told me to get a tan XP

Oh, we had football funday in school over the weekend (like 5 days ago..haha). I played in the same team with Aimi, Liliana, Ceri, Dil and etc. We came in third place over all, which was quite good anyway, although there were only 7 teams playing in the over 15 division.

I was webcamming with Shaherol and Rz, who are both out of the country..haha one's on Scotland and the other, of course, is in Pakistan. I'm feeling sleepy and I don't feel like posting.

luv,

yarz.

jump XP

migod. I miss my old school mates. It's been the attack of ex-classmates for the past few weeks. I've been having a killer week (or month, which ever comes first). I'm cheering up, and I feel less helpless because I have been pulling myself back up.

Today was swimming gala, what happened?

1. We won the tyre race (GO GREEN!!!)
2. I swam the 50m freestyle and fainted in the end :S
3. I'm fine =)
4. I swam in the 25m freestyle relay about an hour later.
5. Both Senior Male and Female (my group!!) green won first place in the 25m freestyle relay.
6. I got to play with the plastic trash drums made by Mr. Edwards and the 13Green gang.
7. I am in love with an idiot *inside joke. sorry XP*
8. Oh I have a new swim suit.

dumdedum. I had lunch with Ade and Eddie after school, I haven't hung out with them properly for eonks. So it was nice to actually spend time with them and not just pass them by like I always do. I've been really busy lately, and to be really frank, I'm totally exhausted from head to toe. I haven't been getting much rest because my schedule's been pretty hectic and none of the teachers seem to take notice on how tired I am because they keep piling up the workload =( and trust me, I'm not happy.

My AS Accounting re-sits is in less than 3 weeks. I'll be sitting for it on the 3rd of November along with my Mechanics Math test which is on the 2nd of November. Let's just have our fingers crossed and hope I get A in both my structured and multiple choice accounting and also at leaaasstt a frigging B for my mechanics so I don't have to worry so much in getting an A grade for my A levels.

We've started with our UCAS applications already, whee.. I'm still yet to finish my personal statement, I'll get that done and over with BY THIS WEEK. I still have to fill up my grade things and etc on the form.

I think the school has too much going on in such little time. No wonder most seniors tend to crack :S we're already mentally tired, now they're tring to get us to be physically tired. NYAAAHH.

I miss Rz. XP babe, If you read this..sorry I didn't come online after 30mins, I had to finish my homework. I'll be studying for the next few weeks, so wish me luck in my exams. I love you, please take care over there aights? mwah. xox.

Okay, I'm out.

love,

yarz.

Did you know?

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me

The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold..

"One day, we will change the world... or we are already changing it" THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", "take good care of yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

--

I never did know. Sigh.

My turn:

Did you know when I needed you the most was the times when I closed up to you?

Did you know that things are so painful for me right now that I just can't bring myself to face the world in its reality?

Did you know that you brought me down with words that are so harsh?

Did you know that I'm feeling lonely?

Did you know that I'm feeling scarred because of the number of friendships that I've had that have failed?

Did you know that I don't really have anyone I confide everything to?

Did you know that I'm suicidal?

Did you know that my friends know how suicidal I am, and yet do not want to do anything about it?

Did you know I was up to a point of wanting to just waste my life away?

Did you know I've regretted so many things in life?

Did you know I've never regretted having you in my life?

Did you know that at one point in my life, you were the most important person in my life, even if it were for just one second?

Did you know that I've been hurting every day?

Did you know that I've had a lot on my mind?

Did you know that I've been missing you every day and night?

Did you know that I still love you?

Did you know that if it seems like I'm pushing you away, you need to come up to be and keep pulling yourself close?

Did you know that I'm up to a point of just breaking down just as I always have the past few days?

Did you know that I really need you?

Did you know that I need help?

Did you know..?

On a reality check, how much of me now do you actually know compared to the 'back-then' days? How well enough do you know me to consider yourself someone who is making (not made) a difference in my life? How can you tell?

ip op. \o/ \m/ \o/

I got back from the school social about an hour ago and I'm extremely over-the-top tired. I wore this brown dress-like top over my usual jeans, it looked simple and yet, still hip-hoppy-ish since the night's theme was hip hop..hee :) I'm in a good mood tonight, and I'm begining to question why. Haha.

I had a great time though, dancing with Bong-hae, Pheng, Eng Hock and a whole bunch of other girls (which of course, included Aimi). But what I did tonight isn't important. I'm starting to question things in my life again, whether or not I deserve any type of bullshit people give me, or if I deserve better treatment. I believe that if someone respects you, you ought to respect them back. Unfortunately for me, today's encounters had neglected that belief. These actions and behavior only made be begin to believe in the worse of people's efforts. The boastful types don't give a shit about how people feel, it's always been "yea whatever.. your mom yeah?" Trust me, it's not cool to act like a jerk.. no matter how much better you think you are.

Then again, I shouldn't really mind because I guess at times, it's just the person's nature. But yeah, I just thought I'd point that out. I don't know if you'll know that I'm talking about you, but heck.. I think you ought to know. Respect others with the respect you think YOU deserve.

The seniors are playing a mixed basketball match against the staff tomorrow at lunch. Pheng Seng and I picked out the players for the team just the other day. George and I will be managing the rotations and substitutes. I managed to get Clement to 'volenteer' to referee tomorrow's game along with another fellow teacher so that students won't think that the game is too bias. Though I think teachers ALWAYS play rough XP They PUSH hard..haha they're so evil at times. I quote from Mr. W: "On court, they (the students) are the opposition. The enemy". Haha. I guess that's why the think they should slaughter students.

ah well,

good night.

love,

yarz.

ps. rz, I read your site baby. I miss you too :) my credit's like.. less than $2. I do miss your text messages tho, cos they somehow keep me moving throughout the day..and I think you know that. SO MESSAGE ME XP. I'm still struggling with all the problems that I have going down around here.. it's killing me. Its like feeling as if you're about to be diced with a slicer.. cut up into pieces which can't be put together. Sigh. It'll be okay won't it? It will. I'll keep on counting the days till you come back. hehe I miss you. Xox.

Relief..

I was sitting around infront of my computer just now when it struck me that I haven't posted for a couple of days. I began to wonder if it's really worth keeping an online journal for the world to read and see (especially once I realize that teachers do know about my website and they might have an idea of what I'm going through right now and maybe that's why they don't freak about the way I act around school). I remembered today when I went to the girls' toilet and these girls asked me what year I was, and they already knew my name. It's nice to know that people actually know your name, I wish I asked those girls what their names were. Hm, oh well, maybe I'll find out tomorrow =)

Today was assembly day. We celebrated the life of Rachael Lee. I started crying when the band started playing their song and displaying their lyrics on the projector. I tried to stop, but I couldn't help myself. When someone passes on, it makes you think. Wouldn't you agree? When someone passes on, it makes you reflect upon yourself and how things are for you. It makes you question things in your life, whether or not life is the way it should be or maybe there's a slight chance you can fix it to make it the way you think it ought to be. When I realized that a friend had left the world, it made me think. It made me question everything and everyone around me. Why had she done what she did, and why did it have to happen to her. Then I began to think, what if it were me. What if it were me that had passed on. Would she be the one crying in my place? How would my friends react? Or even worse, how would my sister feel?

I'm an emotional person, and at times can be very unstable especially when it comes to very difficult circumstances which can range from a heartache to a very bad grade. I cry, to show my feelings. I do not cry because I seek attention, I cry to express sadness and at times, I cry to express happiness.

I hate questioning my values, and I never like doubting my friends. When someone tries to tell me something bad that my friend has done, I don't want to question it. I never want to think bad things about the people I call my 'friends', I hate that. I'd rather much avoid the situation until it blows over and then act like nothing has happened.

I guess that's why at times I can be seen as very private. I don't like talking about how I feel because I don't think anyone wants to listen. It's always the line, "and I care because..?", heck.. I get that from my own sister. As a matter of fact, I got that this morning. The whole I-do- not-give -a-shit attitude. How am I suppose to react when my own sister doesn't bother with me? I mean, how would my friends act if my own sister is like that? Sigh. It sucks and it hurts. I don't really know who I should talk to about my problems (and trust me, I have plenty). I don't talk to anyone much anymore, not the way I used to. I don't really know how to express myself, and when people ask me if I'm alright.. I know that I'll always say I am. I don't really know. I might be in the outside, but I'm really not in the inside. I don't think I'm as loud as everyone thinks I am, I'm not. Not anymore. It feels like something inside me has died, and I can't seem to rekindle that spark I used to have in my eyes. I can't seem to find that feeling of happiness that I once held. I learnt how much a person can hurt. It's like trying to grasp for air when you're already drowning..

There isn't much of a use in pretending because people can see through me now. I have made myself so transparent that you can read it just by looking at me. I'm trying to appreciate what I have, don't get me wrong. I do appreciate what I have.. but something is missing and I'm suffering because of it.

I'm not looking for love, you know? I'd like to once again believe in it the way I have in the past. Although, when I try to.. it just isn't the same. I look at the people around me, those who actually have loved ones, crushes who crush back.. it's such a happy sight. haha I wonder why I can't be like that. I am jealous. I am truly jealous of those who can find happiness while I ponder upon what I really want and how I'm going to get it. I wonder if I can ever be happy as happy as the way people perceive me as.

I wonder if I should just give up..

love, yarz.

you somehow just make me feel I'm alive..

I remember my best friend telling me that one of my best features would be my eye brows, I don't really know why he said that but he did. Haha I think he said that they show the kind of person I am or something. XP Embarrassing? Surely not. I love my eye brows ;D I wanted to do a number of things yesterday, but I didn't have the time. I haven't gotten dressed yet, and we're going to Lumut in a while. I can't seem to decide which baju kurung to wear. I think I'll probably put on a tudong as well.

¹9 * yarz says:

hehe you know the quote; you never know what goes on behind closed doors

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

time to open the closed doors to find out whats going on..

¹9 * says:

nice thought.

I went out yesterday with my mum to pick up my dad. I wasn't planning to step out of the house, but I didn't want my mum to drive around town alone so I went out with her. There's some sort of local items exhibition thing going on at the mall, they're selling local food products and local crafts, like Upp'r Crust, Ideal, Sabli's and etc. It's nice to see that they're highlighting all the local SMEs, they need to be supported anyway. So if you're down at the Mall, go buy something at the exhibition XP

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

enjoy life. there's plenty of time to be dead

I still have my math, business and accounting homework to do. Sigh what a work load :S and they're all due on Monday. I stayed out with some of my friends last night, I got my parents to drop me off at Aimi's house, aQilah was there already. Aimi's driver dropped us off at Kiulap along with her two younger brothers, Raimi and Jambri. I played Jenga with the two boys, haha it toppled over.. but the whole thing looked funny anyway since everything was being supported on one single block. After that I got challenged for a game of chess, I lost one and won one. After that, I got dropped off in Gadong where I met up with Ali and we waited for Hafiz and Zaza to show up in Coffee Zone. It was Syaima's birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SYAI. :D

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

now i know why ppl always say no regrets

aQilah passed me a card last night. I think I cried three times last night, maybe I'm just being over emotional.. but you never really know until you start learning to appreciate the things and people around you. I'm thankful I've got people like her in my life, and I'm still full of regrets for some other cases.. but I'll pull through. I'm not ready to end anything yet.

In case I haven't told these people lately; Rz, Aimi, aQilah, Lina, Ade, Rach, Eng Hock, Hafiz and those close to me (you know who you are.. I chat with you everyday), I love you.. xox

love, yarz.

Everything is just a game.

"Zebras don't change their stripes". I knew that and I still risked it with you. I knew that, I learnt the truth. I saw your flaws, your weaknesses, I've seen you cry. I knew the truth about you, and yet here I am.. and I still love you. Though I know that I can never be in love with you as I once had, but I know that I'm still able to love you. How is that even so possible?

Sigh. Twenty minutes in a single phone call, confrontation and bam! There goes everything I dreamt of, hoped for, out the window. Heh, but that was a few years ago. Now, I don't even know where I stand or what I should be doing with myself. We had a Year 13 assembly yesterday, our head of year quoted something an ex-teacher from school had once said to him. He said to write down our feelings on a piece of paper, include all the swear words.. do all that, and then walk away from it, because tomorrow you'd be feeling different and you'd have a different opinion. Even if it wasn't a radial change in opinion, it was still a slight change in opinion because you'd be seeing things in a new light. I think what he said is true, because I remember (and I'm sure some of you will too) posting about someone, and it felt better to just let things out rather than keeping it in so much. Because, I will admit, that after what happened on that day, I have a change in opinion.

I woke up at 10am this morning, I didn't bother sending my sister to her lessons so I just stayed home and had my usual porridge for breakfast. I'm still at home now, worked on a layout which I had to type up from scratch because this laptop has no frontpage. Nyeh, so I went to the main frontpage website and used the trial version online (but you can't cut and paste, so I had to type everything up word for word..). It was so annoying.

I wanted to watch Rimula last night, but I don't know.. I didn't really feel like seeing people last night, though I did wish I went because I could have spent time with Ade and Rach. I'm not in the mood to go out today either, so here I am.. bumming around at home and I've got about six things on my to-do list. My AS Accounting exam is just around the corner, one more month til November, along with my AS Mechanics paper.. I'm resitting my AS Business paper 1 in January, even though I scored a high B on it. Haha, I think I could have done better because I didn't finish the paper.. I left out one I think. Nyah.

My cousin's getting married tomorrow :) She's going to be the first one of my cousins on my mother's side of the family to get married.. wah.. haha maybe this will be the starting point for all my cousins XP I still have a while to go and I don't really want to think about it until I graduate. Anyways, it means I'll be driving down to Lumut, Belait to watch the ceremony and hang out with my other relatives. dum de dum. Rz texted me about an hour ago from Paki :) I miss you babes.. xox I'll talk to you later tonight okay? I don't want to go out. mwah.

I shouldn't take death so lightly. Sigh. I've got a couple of jerks who are pushing me towards the edge. I wish they'd just leave me alone and stop trying to bring me down. I don't need you. I'll let you believe what you want, I don't need to justify anything to you. I'm already depressed as it is, and you're being such an asshole about it. please leave me alone...

<3,>