Relief..

I was sitting around infront of my computer just now when it struck me that I haven't posted for a couple of days. I began to wonder if it's really worth keeping an online journal for the world to read and see (especially once I realize that teachers do know about my website and they might have an idea of what I'm going through right now and maybe that's why they don't freak about the way I act around school). I remembered today when I went to the girls' toilet and these girls asked me what year I was, and they already knew my name. It's nice to know that people actually know your name, I wish I asked those girls what their names were. Hm, oh well, maybe I'll find out tomorrow =)

Today was assembly day. We celebrated the life of Rachael Lee. I started crying when the band started playing their song and displaying their lyrics on the projector. I tried to stop, but I couldn't help myself. When someone passes on, it makes you think. Wouldn't you agree? When someone passes on, it makes you reflect upon yourself and how things are for you. It makes you question things in your life, whether or not life is the way it should be or maybe there's a slight chance you can fix it to make it the way you think it ought to be. When I realized that a friend had left the world, it made me think. It made me question everything and everyone around me. Why had she done what she did, and why did it have to happen to her. Then I began to think, what if it were me. What if it were me that had passed on. Would she be the one crying in my place? How would my friends react? Or even worse, how would my sister feel?

I'm an emotional person, and at times can be very unstable especially when it comes to very difficult circumstances which can range from a heartache to a very bad grade. I cry, to show my feelings. I do not cry because I seek attention, I cry to express sadness and at times, I cry to express happiness.

I hate questioning my values, and I never like doubting my friends. When someone tries to tell me something bad that my friend has done, I don't want to question it. I never want to think bad things about the people I call my 'friends', I hate that. I'd rather much avoid the situation until it blows over and then act like nothing has happened.

I guess that's why at times I can be seen as very private. I don't like talking about how I feel because I don't think anyone wants to listen. It's always the line, "and I care because..?", heck.. I get that from my own sister. As a matter of fact, I got that this morning. The whole I-do- not-give -a-shit attitude. How am I suppose to react when my own sister doesn't bother with me? I mean, how would my friends act if my own sister is like that? Sigh. It sucks and it hurts. I don't really know who I should talk to about my problems (and trust me, I have plenty). I don't talk to anyone much anymore, not the way I used to. I don't really know how to express myself, and when people ask me if I'm alright.. I know that I'll always say I am. I don't really know. I might be in the outside, but I'm really not in the inside. I don't think I'm as loud as everyone thinks I am, I'm not. Not anymore. It feels like something inside me has died, and I can't seem to rekindle that spark I used to have in my eyes. I can't seem to find that feeling of happiness that I once held. I learnt how much a person can hurt. It's like trying to grasp for air when you're already drowning..

There isn't much of a use in pretending because people can see through me now. I have made myself so transparent that you can read it just by looking at me. I'm trying to appreciate what I have, don't get me wrong. I do appreciate what I have.. but something is missing and I'm suffering because of it.

I'm not looking for love, you know? I'd like to once again believe in it the way I have in the past. Although, when I try to.. it just isn't the same. I look at the people around me, those who actually have loved ones, crushes who crush back.. it's such a happy sight. haha I wonder why I can't be like that. I am jealous. I am truly jealous of those who can find happiness while I ponder upon what I really want and how I'm going to get it. I wonder if I can ever be happy as happy as the way people perceive me as.

I wonder if I should just give up..

love, yarz.