Crutches again. HAI!

I hurt my left leg again. This time I twisted my knee pretty badly and well, I'm suppose to pick up a pair of crutches either Saturday or Monday. I couldn't walk just now and I think I spent quite a while crying in the sixth form common room. Thing is, I wasn't sure if I was crying because of the pain from my knee, or from the bitter feelings I was still experiencing from yesterday. Heh, it's swollen..but no worries, I've got an ice pack on it and the doctor gave me pain killers to ease my pain.

Today was the pits. Well, not really because I was generally happy throughout the day until my mechanics mock started. The day started off with a whole year assembly. Nothing new really, but one of the senior teachers talked about a book called "Forget you had a daughter" by this lady called ..I don't remember now. Sorry, I'm a bit ignorant (I tried to look for it in google, it didn't work). It was an interesting talk anyway, from what I heard. It was deep. Never mind, I don't feel like talking about it anymore.

I had a physics mock, I have no clue how I did..but I answered most of the questions and hopefully my answers were right :S I don't know eh. *sigh* The thoughts are begining to look more depressing. Hai~

I'm getting sleepy.. sigh. I was hoping someone would text me tonight. But I guess he's busy. Tsks. I'm suppose to be the score keeper for tomorrow's basketball game.. =D whee..

Oh, the doctor said I can't do sports anymore for I DONT KNOW HOW LONG. argh. That's like telling a fish to breathe without water =( It sucks so much. I'm annoyed.

Tomorrow is a Friday. FINALLY. The week has seemed to dragggg itself.. it's been a seriously long week. I've got a business mock, and another physics mock. I probably have to do some more work in accounting. Sigh. Exams are in two weeks. Wish me luck. I'm not that confident with two of my subjects :S

It's REZA's birthday tomorrow! HAPPY 17th

BIRTHDAY

BABYJOE!

MWAH. I love you rezzzzzzzzzzz :D You're finally gonna be 17 babes! The 25 day count was bloody long! I'm counting the days til you come backkkkk.. I missed you soo much. lol. and why aren't you online right now huh?! I'll try call you tomorrow, so BE WARNED if someone calls and screams happy birthday :P hahaha I'll probably end up killing my credit..but who cares?! My bestfriend kali ah. Buleh?! :P ehehe mwahs. love you.

Ah, I know my posts for the past two days don't consist of 'deep' thoughts. I don't know, when I think..it usually leads to seriously distrubing thoughts. I'll post more about that soon. Right now, I'm gonna levitate my leg and rest.

Living on dial-up sucks.

I think I must have connected, reconnected like at least eight times this evening. It's such a pain. I don't even know why I keep disconnecting. Grr, jtb wants to die. *pulls out samurai*

I'm in a good mood today~ yay. ehehe I spent the morning whining to my mom about my problems and my fears. I have weird phobias. Did you know that I have a fear of getting fat? My god. I'm scared of getting my hair cut. lol. I had a hair cut about a month ago, and like I swear that I could have cried just watching them cut my hair. My friends that know me well seem to enjoy threathening to cut my hair. They're so evil >.<

It's my sister's 15th birthday on Tuesday, April 27th. She hasn't said anything about it. ehehe and from asking her friends, she's gonna want something that's not 'girly'. lol I KNEW THAT. She's definately 80% opposite of me. She doesn't like my taste in guys, but she loves green as much as I do. =) We'd probably do anything for green house. Hehe I love my sister xoxox <3

Anways, I've got a secret. lol. I so wanna tell my bestfy, Reza. I can't wait until he comes back to Brunei. He is so gonna spend time with me. Or I'll pull him by his ears from KB to Bandar and back! haha Nazmo, Maxxx and I were talking about him just now while we were bumming around at the Centerpoint couches. They were saying how Rez's first stop in Brunei would be to the top of the mall, where this guy works. ahahaha so tht he can make fun of him. lol, knowing Rez that's probably gonna be true.

Oh I've been shopping for earrings. I think I bought about five pairs this week alone. lol =) I'm in a good mood eh? I love being happy. It's such a feeling that takes time to get used to. xoxox. It's getting late, and I've got a secret~ lalala

lol, it's not gonna be much of a secret once everyone knows what it is. I'm not gonna place any hints right now. I don't feel like it. hehe let's just say I'm very happy right now <3

I have netball practice tomorrow, and I might even show up for cricket ASA.. see lah. I still haven't seen the doctor about my knee. I haven't had any time. I've been revising my Mechanics 1, and I've got two business mocks next week on all three units. Oh damn~ I've got Unit 2 and 3 on Tuesday and Unit 1 on Friday..and my mechanics 1 mock should be on Wednesday. Oh damn oh damn.

I had fun sleeping over at Rachy's. eheh that girl is like the bomb. :P mwah. i love you babes. We're gonna wear our star earrings tomorrow..lol It's pink with white stripes. ehehe I feel like shopping, I guess I better start saving money. o=)

The Sixth form ball is three weeks away..and so are my exams. whoah. The ball is going too be held in Empire and I'm probably going to stay over night with Aimi and Rachael. ehehe hugs. we're gonna have funnnnnnn.. I haven't even thought about what I'm going to wear yet. I don't know. I'll think about it later. I don't feel like wearing black, but I also don't want to wear anything bright.. hm. Then again, I don't feel like wearing anything dull. hai~ knowing me, I'd probably end up wearing something dark. I always do. ehehe =)

I haven't charged my phone for like three days. My battery is dying. lol. I'm enjoying my nights alone, being happy. Eating my Lays potato chips. lol. I eat too much. I'm so going to gain weight if I don't start exercising soon.

It's so cold in here.

Get to know me better.

Hehe I stole this off mona's <3 site:

TIME STARTED: 8:36pm
FIRST NAME: Ida
LAST NAME: Patera
BIRTHDAY: April 5th, 1987
CURRENT LOCATION: Batu Ampar
WHERE DO YOU LIVE: at home.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM: Brunei
WEBSITE?: http://www.unangelic.org
EYE COLOUR: dark brown
HAIR COLOUR: light/dark brown
RIGHTHANDED?: no
ZODIAC: Aries
YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? both.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? getting shot.
YOUR PERFECT MAN/WOMAN: hahahahahahahahahaha
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: when I fell flat on my ass at Soon Lee. haha
YOUR FUTURE KIDS' NAMES: One of them is gonna have Adeline somewhere. ehehe and the girls are all gona have Ida in their names :P
YOUR BEST FRIENDS? I've got plenty.
YOU EVER HATED ANY PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY? Not really
GOING TO COLLEGE? yup!

FAVOURITES
ICE CREAM: chocolate
DINNER: microwave chicken
VEGETABLE: baby kailans!
FASTFOOD: fillet o fish burgers
MEAT: steak.
SWEETS: caramel sweets o:)
BEVERAGE: ice lemon tea
MOVIE: I don't think I have one.
ACTRESS: no.
ACTOR: JET LI!
PLACE TO VISIT: museums =D
JEWELLERY: necklaces, earrings and lots of bracelets
SPORT: basketball, bowling, netball.
NUMBER: 91, 19, 89, 54.
ANIMAL: cats
BRAND OF SHOES: Nike
PERFUME/COLOGNE: I don't have one.
CAR: BMWs, Mercs.
SUBJECT: Accounting and maths.
POSSESSION: my letters.
FEMALE SINGER:Aaliyah
MALE SINGER: I don't think I have one
BAND: without a doubt, it's Busted.

HAVE YOU...
LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? That's normal isn't it?
RAN AWAY FROM HOME? lol, I've done that so many times when I was a kid. I don't do that anymore =)
BROKEN A BONE? No, I lead a very safe life.
CHEATED ON TEST? Yeah, but nowadays I try not to because it won't benefit me when the real thing comes along.
SKIINNY-DIPPED? hahahahaahaha no.
PLAYED STRIP POKER: hee. no. i can never remember how to play.
PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE? haha yeah.
FLASHED SOMEONE? lol no.
MOONED SOMEONE: no
KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW? no. That's silly..hahaha Brunei is so small. You'd probably end up knowing them anyway.
BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT? Ah, I remember that very well..
RODE IN A POLICE CAR? No.
BEEN ON A PLANE? Yeah, but right now I've got a fear of flying because I haven't been on a plane for ages.
COME CLOSE TO DYING? nno
BEEN IN A SAUNA? yeaps! I love saunas. haha
GOT ANYTHING PIERCED? Yeah, I've got two piercings on my left ear and one on my right. The top of my left ear is next..and then maybe my belly button >.<

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
ABORTION? I think it depends on what type of situation it is. I don't think its wrong, but it's not fair to the person because of the choices they have to make.
COUNTRY MUSIC? that would depend on the mood I'm in.
CLASSICAL MUSIC? um, not that much of my taste.
OLDIES? love them!
AMUSEMENT PARKS? heh.

WHAT IS...
YOUR GOOD LUCK CHARM? I had one, and I gave it to my koko for luck. He doesn't wear it anymore. sigh.
WORST SONG U EVER HEARD? oh there's this song these Bruneian rappers made.. man. lol. I support the music industry in Brunei and all, but oh my god.. that one was the worse I've ever heard.
MOST EMBARRASSING CD? I don't buy CD's much unless I really like the group/singer. So.. I don't have one.
YOUR BEDROOM LIKE? It's red, my bed covers have orange patterns on it. Nothing in there matches..haha I've got green spiral stairs, leading to my second bedroom. I don't have any closets (yet) and my pc is near the window. My bed is next to my veranda and I have the coolest carpet!

ARE YOU A....
VEGETARIAN? hahaha yea right. no way.
GOOD STUDENT? I can be the 'perfect' student, but then .. hhaha no lah, I'm generally good. I do my homework, I pass my work in on time.. so I think I'm a good student.
DRIVER? Nope, my parents think that if I knew how to drive I'd run off with the car.
GOOD AT SPORTS? I'm more of the average type person. But I love bowling, basketball and netball.
GOOD STORYTELLER? no, I'm horrible at story telling!
GOOD TALKER? I'm a flirt. lol, does that count? :p

HAVE YOU EVER HAD...
CHICKENPOX? lol. I'm the one who gave it to my sister.
SORE THROAT? every now and then.
STITCHES? no. I'm very safe..haha
BLOODY NOSE? I had one just two days ago. lol =)
CANCER? no =)
SURGERY? once. I had my tonsils taken out. hahaha
SOMEONE BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU? lol, yup. I love being me. haha
SOMEONE PUNCH YOU? no o=)

DO YOU...
ENJOY PARKS? yes! I love parks! That's where I can have funnnnnnn
ENJOY SHOPPING: yea, but that would depend on my mood and how much money I have.
WANT TO GET MARRIED: lol, sure in about ten years time. =)
LIKE TO SING: I love singing. lol =D Sang for my yr11 dinner once..ehehe so embarassing.
LIKE TO DANCE: yes yes yes!
HAVE A CRUSH: haha yes. I've got a huge crush on this guy.. lala
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF: I believe in myself more than ever.

WOULD YOU...
EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION DOLLARS? Cook it really nicely, and I'll eat. ehehhehehe $$
GO TO A HANSON CONCERT IF YOU HAD A FREE TICKET? Free ticket? Yeah. lol Okay, I'm there.
GET ANYTHING PIERCED? yes. I will.. soon? lol =)
IF YOU WERE STUCK ON AN ISLAND, WHICH PEOPLE WOULD YOU WANT WITH YOU? I'd want my best of friends and probably my parents and my sister.
YOUR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE, WHAT 2 THINGS WOULD YOU COLLECT? things? That dooesn't include people. So I'd probably grab my wallet and probably my mobile phone.
IF SOMEONE OFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? hahaha yes.
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? yas, yaz, YARZ, yazzie, yazabum, yaza, angel, unangelic, viXen-. hahaha I used to be called sam once.

WHICH DO YOU PREFER
PEPSI OR COCA-COLA: Coca-cola
MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: Mc Donalds.
SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: single
ADIDAS OR NIKE: nike
LIPTON ICE TEA OR NESTEA: lipton ice tea
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Chocolate
CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: coffee

IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU?
DRANK ALCOHOL: no. I don't drink.
SMOKED: no. I don't smoke.
DONE DRUGS: no. I don't do drugs.
HAD SEX: no. I don't do sex.
MADE OUT: nope. I'm as fresh as ever
GONE ON A DATE: yeah last week :p eheh hunnybunz~
GONE TO THE MALL: I went this afternoon.
EATEN AN ENTIRE BOX OF OREOS: I haven't had oreos for ages.
EATEN SUSHI: Yeah, about two weeks back.
BEEN ON STAGE: Not this month. I did last month =)
BEEN DUMPED: sadly enough, yes. Who the hell dumps me? hai~
GONE SKATING: no.
MADE HOMEMADE COOKIES: I'm making some maybe tomorrow.
GONE SKINNY DIPPING: nope =)
DYED YOUR HAIR: I dyed it three weeks ago.
STOLEN ANYTHING: haha I stole my friend's pencil :p but I think he knows I took it. So that doesn't count! So no :p

FIRSTS:
FIRST BEST FRIEND: Norhafilah bte. Abdullah. She's studying in MS now. I haven't seen her for about four years now. We haven't spoken for about six or seven years. I miss her tons.
FIRST REAL KISS: =)
FIRST JOB: sales girl at a freaking bookshop. lol. I only lasted two weeks!
FIRST SCREEN NAME: ahahaha I remember. It was viXen- and baking on undernet.
FIRST FUNERAL: my grandfather's. last month.
FIRST PET: goldfish
FIRST PIERCING/TATTOO: my ears
FIRST CREDIT CARD: I don't have one yet.
FIRST ENEMY: Oh, I had plenty.
FIRST BIG TRIP: The KK trip.
FIRST PLAY/MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: ahahahaha KINDY!!!!
FIRST MUSICIAN YOU REMEMBER HEARING IN YOUR HOUSE: Hm, I don't know.

LASTS:
LAST CIGARETTE: none?
LAST GOOD CRY: about a week ago. but I realize it's not worth it anymore.
LAST LIBRARY BOOK CHECKED OUT: you know, I haven't checked out a book for like two years now since my school bag containing two library books got stolen.
LAST MOVIE SEEN: Into the Mirror. It's a Korean horror.
LAST BOOK READ: Fearless, #32 Terror.
LAST BEVERAGE DRANK: water
LAST FOOD CONSUMED: bananas
LAST PHONE CALL MADE: to my dad.
LAST TV SHOW WATCHED: Civilisations on Discovery
LAST TIME SHOWERED: about an hour and a half ago.
LAST SHOES WORN: Nike Basketball shoes :D
LAST CD PLAYED: a cd mix my sister burnt.
TIME FINISHED: 9:26pm.

Okay. I'm done.

I don't wanna hear.

Thoughts are endless, they never seem to let up. Even when you're doing something that distracts you from thinking, look up for one minute..and there you are having another thought. Some people are multi tasking, they can think and do things at the same time. Blab.

I slept over at Rachy's house last night along with Adeline. And I also watched the JIS team play basketball, I was the score keeper =) We won 37 - 19. Every player in the JIS team scored at least 2 points. Hehe, anyways, I dropped by Rachy's house around ten-ish, and we went to bed around midnight. This time I slept in the middle instead of Rach jumping in in between of me and Adeline. She tends to do that a lot :p mwahs. I played pool at Riggs. Hehe played a couple of games against some of my friends. My dad picked me up around six30pm. And look, here I am now.

You confessed your love with dying devotion, and I confessed my need to be free~ I know I've made a lot of mistakes in the past few years, I'm trying my best not to repeat them. Its not easy trying to start a new especially when it means giving up the things/ones you love. Maybe I should start again. Perhaps it'd end all the hostile feelings I've been experiencing for the past month, and maybe it'll make my world brighter and happier than ever before.

Most, if not all, good things come to an end eventually, it takes time for it to happen.. but it will. It's hard to believe that I'm actually seventeen already =) another year's gone past, and well.. I don't know. It's just unreal. I can't put down a life time of emotions into this site, but I can put down my thoughts. I can talk about the troubles that seem to come by every day, maybe not directly.. but vaguely, but once again it is in a sense that only a selected few can understand. =)

At least I know that its pain.

Every aspect in life, every moment that has gone by has not only one meaning, but more. Take your pick, two or three or infinate. When things happen in your life, and another person is present to see it happen. How many meanings does that have? It's got a minimum of two, depending on how much impact it has on each person.

To whom it may concern:
Wtf. ARGH. Screw you lah. Ouch man, ouch. OUCH. Sakit you know? Yeah you don't have anyone 'special' right now, you know why? Because you just broke up with her that's why! Yeah, go on. Keep saying to those girls, "I sayang you", "I miss you", "you're so cute!" whatever. GO ON. YICH. Keep telling me you still love me when you don't mean it. It's just another act to take care of my heart isn't it? So that I don't cry right? ^.^ Well, fuck you.

As hard as I'm trying not to think about it right now, it's not going to work because it hurts so much. I hate it when people lie, that's why I try to avoid lying. I'm not alright with people pretending around me, even though I, myself, pretend just as much. I pretend, sure but not in a way to take care of how others feel. I pretend because I want an illusion of myself as 'happy'. What I find offending is when people pretend to 'jaga hati'. A person has feelings. That's just rude you know? It's stupid. I'm getting pissed off by the minute.

At least I know I'm in pain. Screw it. It's not worth me crying over him anymore because he doesn't want me. I'm not good enough for him. Oh wait, "he's not good enough for me". Break ups are painful, and I'm sure I've said this before. They hurt like shit when it happens. I'm alright if the reasons are reasonable. So what if right now I'm thinking that he just wanted to bail out because he couldn't cope? Don't use names if you just wanna chicken out. "Fed up" that's the word for it. Think about it will you? Think about it before you decide to break another person's heart. Think about ti when you start hitting on another girl. Think about how it feels to be lied to, to be lead on they way you did me. I'm not that stupid. I've got feelings, please remember that. Think about how much you're hurting me right now when I don't even have a clear idea why you and I broke up. No, you're explainations are too vague. I know there's another reason behind it. Stop lying to me.

I need to vent.

Weeeird!

Everything is so weird nowadays. It's a change of pace, I'll admit. Well not really, everything feels normal in an ironic sense. Heh. I think I scared Randy this morning when I bursted out crying after physics.. sigh, sorry ti <3, I'll try not do that again okay? love you.

I was thinking about the nature of exams. Right now, I'm questioning why I took physics in the first place. Not that I don't like it, I seriously do enjoy it.. but I just can't seem to grasp its style and method of asking questions. It's so different compared to the type of questions we get in tests in school :S maybe it's just me. Hai~ I don't know.

I think I think too much. lol. Thinking is bad. My thoughts wander and I always seem to end up crying =( It hurts. I thinks I fell down to hard. I had gymnastics this morning, lol. I did I hand stand and landed on my trick knee.. and it's still hurting like crazy right now. Sigh.

I should see a doctor about my knee soon. lol. I've been putting it off for months now. Anton shaved his head! I miss aQilah and Lina. A month and a half til Reza <3 comes home! I've missed you soo much babe <3 mwah. xoxox.

Okay okay, for once I'll listen to Juls and Ranz, they're fed up with me and my complaints.. *sniff* haha I will see the doctor by the end of this week k? lol. =)

Smile and say 'alhamdulillah'. Thank you.

What's the point really? I try to look happy, and in most the eyes of others.. I most probably am. I appear optimisic, and where does that attitude put me? No where. I'm trying to look happy for him, so that he wouldn't have to worry about me, because I know he does. Shit, he can't even bring himself to look at me without feeling a rush of guilt. I don't blame you.. I really don't.

I've been trying to get used to the fact that he won't be sitting next to me in classes anymore.. or lunch, or even stay back after school to hang out. It's feeling weird. Trying to keep myself busy is just another excuse not to think about it. It's a lame pathetic lie to keep me away from feeling mixed up emotions which may lead to hate and vengence.. and maybe even hope. Sigh.

I can't change the past, and I can't change how things are the way now. I found the nicest quote to live by: "Never be affected on how others think, because eventually in the end, all that matters is what you want." Or something like that, I'll re-type it when I check it again. It's in my phone archives.

Exactly 30 days until my AS exams. Not bad eh? I had a Pure Maths 2 mock today, I think I did pretty alright although I messed up the first question. Of all the silly mistakes I could have made, I made that one. Yich. But its alright, all that studying I did over the weekend with three past papers paid off. I just wish I could do something like that for my physics.. sigh =( I'm seriously desperate for my physics paper. I just can't bring myself to leave my grade to that lousy D grade, a low 48 out of 90 marks, I got back in January. I think I'll be resitting that paper again in January next year and see if I can bring it up. I can't wait for my accounting papers though =) but oh well, alhamdullilah.. thank you God for everything.

Y'know, the school or uni I'd like to attend requires a minimum of ABB. Ohoho.. So high =\ yich, not that I'm not confident. I am, with my maths and accounting.. now I've just got to decide wheather I'd like to keep on studying Business Studies and Physics or just one of the two.

I want the dress I saw at the Mall. I want. I want. I have a date to my Sixth Form Ball this year =) yay. Silly baby butt. lol =) It's Earth Day walk tomorrow by the way.. does anyone wanna sponsor me a buck? Sikit sikit, lama lama jadi bukit~. Text me or leave me a message..

Here's a something from me for being so unappreciative:
"There are millions of others, but I seem to be just wanting you."

Bleh. I don't feel like blabbing on today. =(

Morales. heh.

What I think will stay the way it is, for now. It's not what you think, but what you actually know. I know that deep down inside, everything has a reason. All good things must come to an end (from that so-called pessimestic view), and well, if you can't accept the end coming at your face..then you're just going to have to live with it.

You know when you read a book, let's say, a love story.. you get to read what goes on on both sides of the guy and the girl. In real life, you can only get to see one side, yours. How you'd analyse it and put it down into words, well, that's only your side. Your perception.

The things you wish to believe in, are your choice. No one's forcing you to do things you don't want to do..and the choices you make are the ones you think are correct and well, its just the moral and most ethical thing for you to do. Even if it means breaking someone else's heart so that they won't feel anymore or take in deeper pain when its too late.

Growing up in the untold world, where the society is mostly closed. Especially in this region of the world, where I'd think people try to look at life through one perspective. Where everything is controlled, and there is actually no such thing as 'indepencence' because everything has rules.. and breaking them is, against the law. I think we, the 'teenagers' or the new generation of the millenium, who live here, live a totally different life compared to those who live in 'independent' countries, where critisms are taken in with a smile. And there's pressure to improve, where as here.. we just have to accept things the way they are, because rules are rules and you can't change them.

Let's just say, living here is an 'experience'. Only about a year and two months until I get to go to UK and continue my studies there. I can't wait. We're suppose to write up personal statements, but I haven't even begun.. and to think that we're suppose to start applying with our predicted grades in August. AS Exams are in exactly a month and a week. Starting with a General Studies and ending with a Physics Module 1 exam. Unbelievable. Time seems to fly so fast, who would have thunk that exams would come around so soon? It seems like just months ago I was sitting some exams..heh, it was exactly four months ago. I've got exams every six months now, not something that my system can take in.. haha it's still a shock to me. Two years, and a six month gap is not something someone can take in very easily considering that for the past 12 years you only sit exams at the end of every three or two years.

Time just seems to fly and drag around at the same time.

Lost.

I get so confused at times when I think about how or what I want things. Lately, its begining to make things harder to see, and its getting difficult to smile. It's one of those times when you realize that you're smiling, and then your smile would just simply drop off the face of the earth.

What are you suppose to do when the one you want doesn't want you? Or can't have you.. or whatever the hell the reason is. I've been trying to keep myself busy from thinking or reminiscing.. of happy times, it just fucking hurts. I can say right now, I'm just crying, now. Sitting here, starring at the screen.. crying. Alone. Oh god. I just want things to be over and done with.. sigh. It hurts just watching him, quietly

in my own table or corner. Sometimes I just can't help but want to cry, that's when I try to walk away as soon as I can.. it's just so pathetic of me. I miss you, and you just don't have any clue about how I feel right now.

Sigh.

Today, was weird. Happy-ish-er, but good. The question of the day was from Harris, "Why are you so afraid to smile? It's like you smile, and then you realize that you are and you just stop." I don't know.. I really don't. I'm

hurting inside, and I've got to smile on the outside? That's just lying to myself.

If I could live my life over again, and that I knew things were going to end this way..and if I was able to change it, I don't tbink I would have. Because I'd rather have memories that I've shared with you, rather than knowing and regretting that you and I could have had together.

I try not to think about it so much, I remember just yesterday I was in study period..and I swear I was going to cry if Aimi didn't bail me out of the common room. Funnily enough, I ended up crying at the end of the day instead..

Listening to: All 4 One - Not Ready for Goodbye.mp3

I think I cry too much. I might be one of those people who enjoy being miserable. Maybe that's it. I just enjoy being miserable until something better comes along.. eh. No. I want what I want, and if I can't get what I want.. I still want it. =(

Argh.

It hurts.

Almost a week has gone by, and I'm alright. I'm not dying (see Nizam?) and no, I don't have cuts on my arms. I slept early last night, eight30pm. Woke up in time for school, without an alarm. Went to school with a pasted smile on my face. Today, was different. We started the day off with a house assembly, which I, funnily enough, hosted because some girls thought I did a good job hosting Just Red last year at JP. I'll always remember the fun times I had with JPCC Reality :) Those days were fun and carefree.

Wounds take time to heal, and I guess in a way, the pain you feel inside would eventually heal. Wounds would probably leave a scar to remind you of what happened, so what about the inside? Memories are all what's left. I wasn't ready to let go of what I had with him, I really wasn't. As much as I would love to say that I feel a bit stronger today, I feel like I've been thrown down to my weakest point. I can't believe it hurts to just even look at him.

It'll heal right? Not this week, maybe the next.. sigh.

E-mail threats, I don't mind. My e-mail tracks down I.P addresses.. so yeah, I have a rough idea of where you might be located and if I don't, one correct phone call can do a lot. Here's a tip though, never bring in religion when you want to pick a fight. It's just.. wrong.

Things are different now between me and everyone. In my eyes, I'd be in the center, while everything else revolves around me. In their eyes, it'd be them in the center while everything else revolves around them. Note how ignorant we can become? Do you know how it feels to be betrayed? I can't exactly say 'betrayed' directly, but yeah, something among those lines. It hurts.

I just don't understand..

Beautiful.

Break ups are painful, it hurts like shit when it does actually happen. But as someone has once said (probably more often than he should), "all good things must come to and end" .. and to continue that sentence, another someone said, "you'll die anyway". Talk about being pessimestic. Heh, he broke up with me.

I can sit down and stare at the sky all night, and allow my tears to flow endlessly. I can just sulk throughout the whole night and remind myself how pathetic I can get. Haha, that.. fortunately for me, is not possible. I'm better than that, and I know it. However, it doesn't stop me from crying at almost every thought of what I once had, and how 'happy' I had been.

My best friends, they are the best of friends, are great. You guys are beautiful. Thank you for pulling me out of my room during the weekend, thank you for calling all the way from Australia.. texting me all the way from Switzerland.. and most of all, thank you for being there when I needed you guys the most. I love you =)

No one is suppose to be worth tears, and the one meant for you shouldn't make you cry so much. I'd love to say that I'm strong, but words don't mean much if there are different actions taking place. I admit that I cry, and its painful when I think about it.. and everyone who has come up to me with the first question: "are you okay?" I'm most definitely not. I'll be okay soon, not now.. maybe not tomorrow, but soon right?

Tag-board posters: people people.. thank you for defending me in whatevers going on in that damn tag-board. =) I respect the person, who ever you might be, for saying what you thought in my board, but if you're here only to insult me. Don't bother. It won't do much.

Things in my life are different. How I see things may contrast to others. In most cases, I'd probably see the cup as half empty. I don't really care much how others think of me, because no one knows me better than myself. Despite the idle rumours people may say about me, I'm not what they say.

No one knows what goes behind closed doors, so what others think or say what goes on around me..

I should be the one who knows the real story behind it.

I wonder?

It's been a long week. Holidays are done and over with, two weeks of meaningless, timeless sufferrings. As much as I hated the thought of school starting again, it was a relief. I hated staying at home, time is best spent in school is what I think.

Nothing's going my way so far, yesterday.. as most people would (should =P) know, was my seventeenth birthday. Thanks everyone who remembered, for the text messages, birthday wishes, requests that I don't kill myself (lol, seriously guys..haha), phone calls, hugs, presents, money (hehe) and everything else I got. I really thought everything was going to go wrong yesterday, I've always known that I've got my friends whenever and wherever. I always knew that they would always be there for me. Thank you for proving that.

Thank you to Adeline, Rachael, Aimi, Randy, Pheng and the rest of the people that were at our lunch table. Thank you. They surprised me with a birthday cake, I swear I could have cried. lol =) I love you guys so much. Thank you. It meant a lot to me since I had been on the verge of crying throughout the whole morning. I really didn't expect anything. lol, I don't think I can say enough thank yous to you guys.

Monday morning, I woke up crying in the middle of the night. Geez, it was my birthday. I was finally seventeen. Sigh, but something's missing.. I wish I knew. So anyway, I'll try and be a bit more optimistic for now. I dyed my hair a few days ago, its a lighter tone now.. more visible I hope. I think I'm trying to turn back into my old self. Haha, with the hair and everything. Yeah, but this time with a different personality and attitude. No one really appreciates something until it's gone. It seems that way doesn't it? How you take things for granted, sigh. I'd like to say that I'm happy. I really wish I could. I wish I could make a mask that smiles all the time, like that character from The Mysterious Play, it's this Anime series I used to watch on AxN. He wore a mask to hide the scar on his face. You could say I'd like to hide something.. something as deep as a scar. Sigh.

There are a lot of things I'd like to say right now, but I'm worried about getting someone into trouble, or even worse.. myself into trouble. I've made some peoples lives a living hell. I think. I don't know. Maybe. Sigh. I'd like a lot of people back in my life. Living in regret is not exactly something I like doing.. but I wouldn't trade everything I have now for the world, except maybe one small problem I have. I doubt many people know what's been going on for the past few weeks, I have, without a doubt, been miserable. It's not right is it? Personally, I don't think its fair to be like this. I'd like it to be settled and over with, maybe then I can bitch about it. It'll just be a matter of time until I do.

Ohh, RANO. LOL Thank you!! haha lol, look at what this sweetie posted up..haha (p.s. I didn't save it so I'm showing it off via YOUR server..haha) Haha Its interesting by the way, I never saw myself in such rendered photos :P Was that at the airport? hahaha I look cute. LOL. You should e-mail me the photos you have of me..haha I tak pernah nampak.

I hung out with Adeline and Eddie after school in Gadong. We ate at the foodcourt, hehe and Adeline spent about 30 minutes analysing me.. lol. She had me down to a T. Geez, that girl..hahaha so what if I get hungry every 15minutes? =P It's not like you don't. Well anyway, before I left Gadong, I ordered a value meal from McDs..hahaha I guess that proves her theory right. =) Love you bumz.

I bought myself an early birthday present. Francine Pascal, The Fearless book #32, I don't remember the title right now..and I haven't gotten round to reading it. It came out about a week ago, and I squeled when I saw it. Ranz was suppose to buy it for me :P but oh well, I already bought it. Oh and I bought myself a pencil yesterday. How nice can I be to myself? I pamper myself too much =P

When a ball comes flying towards you, would you catch it or would you duck out of the way? I don't know what I'd do, I guess it would depend on how I felt at the moment. I should have seen it coming, I should have known better. Sigh. Everyone else saw it, why I didn't I?

If I knew this was going to happen, would I have let it happen?

I probably would have.

I feel better.

I finally bought credit for my phone. It's made me feel better seeing that I had someone to text with through these bloody lonneelly nights. I also bought a recharge card for my text buddy so that I have my dude to talk to when I get bored (p.s. i wuuvvvvvvv youuu). It's taken me a while to settle things in my head, I finally got around to doing my homework. Though I only did ONE out of the oh-so-many stack pile I have. Yes, I'm a lazy person.. but that's not the reason. I'm not generally like that, I usually do my work a few days before the due date. I guess my depression got to me so badly that I just couldn't be bothered to do anything. Making this layout took a lot out of my head, though there isn't much production in it. However still, it's the thought and the hidden motive behind it that counts.

I've been listening to a bunch of seriously sad songs all day. They made me cry. Hah, I kept thinking about what was going on in my life, I guess it began to build up.. and as always, it lead to numerous amount of tears. Now, since everything's all dandy and happy (Oh la la), I can listen to them without wanting to cry. :) My head's not above the clouds, but it'll get there sooner or later.

I know that I'm going to get upset for the next few days. I know the reasons why but I don't think I ought to talk about them right now. The skies are dark, and yet.. the good sign about it is that we know it won't get any darker. I was in love once, maybe I still am. I hurt every now and then, but things will get better. =) I promised myself that it will.

Nevertheless, two of my many beautiful girlfriends, Rachael and Adeline, slept over the other day. It was totally impromptu and we only decided to do around five when we were at the swimming pool. Earlier that day, Rach stopped by because she was on her way back from Limbang (in case some people don't know, I live 5 minutes away from the Limbang border). After that we drove down to Gadong, where we met up with Ade about two hours later. We had a blast, even though Rach was constantly on her cell phone. We knew that her phone credit was dying, just like the rest of us, but that didn't stop her. We had under $1 each. I had exactly 5cents remaining in my phone credit.

I hung out at Adeline's house this afternoon. She's got braces now =P I totally forgot.. being the silly person that I am, guess what I brought to her place? =) I brought chocolates and a huge bag of Lays. Oops. Oh well yeah, I ate most of the crisps while webcamming with my best ever buddy, Reza (p.s. Shout outs to you, my babes ;D hooollllaaaaa). Rez babe, I miss you so much. I can't wait till you come back, we're going to have a screaamm!! Ade's web cam is so nice! It made me look so cute (don't mind me, I'm being vain today), then again it might have been my hair =P I webcammed with Wajy and his friend, CJ, as well. Haha.. oh and Rano too!!

My mom picked me up after work and we had dinner in Kiulap. When I got home, it was about eight past and yeah, I had been sending text messages back and forth with my text bud since I bought credit (yay!!!). It's my mom's birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!! I love you soo much. Don't worry about me, I'm okay now. Everything will turn out right and everything will turn out fine. xoxox

I think she's worried about me since I've been crying a lot. I guess it shows when I'm upset huh? =) I remember someone used to tell me that when I don't smile, I look as if I'm going to cry. I know a lot of people still tell me that. In fact, my mom and my text bud just think that I'm liable to cry when ever I'm not happy. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I wonder what people really see. Am I the bubbly person that people used to love and adore (yeah, I know you agree with this =P) or have I changed my ways into a sinking pessimist?

I'll look in the mirror and I think I see..

Me.

I'm going to regret this.. but you're going to regret so much more.

I could never understand why people seem to make me cry all the time. This past week has been hell for me, maybe even throughout the whole month. I get upset, then I'll cry my eyes out. I'm frustrated more than ever, my tears feel hot and I turn into a blubbering idiot. I cry myself to sleep, because it hurts too much.

It's been one of the worse weeks of my life. I don't know why he had to break my heart. I don't know anything anymore, everytime there's a question.. I'd just get pushed away and they'd be left unanswered.

My birthday's in three days, and I don't think I want to live for so long. I know what I'm suppose to do, oh but why does it have to hurt me so much? Life isn't worth living alone, and I don't know what I'm going to do now.

My eyes hurt from crying. I broke down last night, I couldn't handle it anymore. I just wanted to be happy, I was being selfish just once. I know what I wanted, and I had it. Now, it just slips away..

It's just not f****** right.

I'm back.

Unangelic's back up and running. I'll try to update whenever I can, but this time I won't be posting for the sake of posting. Hopefully, everything will go back as planned and that no one's gonna throw a monkey wrench into my plans.

Everything's messed up, as always. My life is sadder than ever. I'm bloody depressed and this is where I'm going to ramble on. Other postees aren't in this blog.. they'll be redirected to another one soon. But for now, enjoy my posts. Because I won't be the one who's gonna get a kick from typing it up.

I should learn to relive my life now, and revamp my wholeself. So get ready, be prepared. More detailed posts will be up soon.

hugs.