Lost.

I get so confused at times when I think about how or what I want things. Lately, its begining to make things harder to see, and its getting difficult to smile. It's one of those times when you realize that you're smiling, and then your smile would just simply drop off the face of the earth.

What are you suppose to do when the one you want doesn't want you? Or can't have you.. or whatever the hell the reason is. I've been trying to keep myself busy from thinking or reminiscing.. of happy times, it just fucking hurts. I can say right now, I'm just crying, now. Sitting here, starring at the screen.. crying. Alone. Oh god. I just want things to be over and done with.. sigh. It hurts just watching him, quietly

in my own table or corner. Sometimes I just can't help but want to cry, that's when I try to walk away as soon as I can.. it's just so pathetic of me. I miss you, and you just don't have any clue about how I feel right now.

Sigh.

Today, was weird. Happy-ish-er, but good. The question of the day was from Harris, "Why are you so afraid to smile? It's like you smile, and then you realize that you are and you just stop." I don't know.. I really don't. I'm

hurting inside, and I've got to smile on the outside? That's just lying to myself.

If I could live my life over again, and that I knew things were going to end this way..and if I was able to change it, I don't tbink I would have. Because I'd rather have memories that I've shared with you, rather than knowing and regretting that you and I could have had together.

I try not to think about it so much, I remember just yesterday I was in study period..and I swear I was going to cry if Aimi didn't bail me out of the common room. Funnily enough, I ended up crying at the end of the day instead..

Listening to: All 4 One - Not Ready for Goodbye.mp3

I think I cry too much. I might be one of those people who enjoy being miserable. Maybe that's it. I just enjoy being miserable until something better comes along.. eh. No. I want what I want, and if I can't get what I want.. I still want it. =(

Argh.