So I noticed that people are beginning to read up on my blog again. Hi :-)
My project isn't going as plan, I'm a week (maybe two weeks) behind schedule because of my lack of enthusiasm in this project. Sigh. Hopefully by the end of the week (I've been saying this for 2 weeks now), it'll get back on track. Project + dissertation due date is by the 21st of Sept, so hopefully I'll have my project done by the end of August and finish up the paper work before the week it's due. I am so stressed right now. Major procrastination on my part.. haha.
I found this cartoon really funny when I was looking up Fibonacci sequences for my project. It's a a good way to learn things, takes in more of fun.
Today I realised that I actually am twenty-two, that I have a Bachelor of Science degree, that I'm pursuing my masters, that I've broken too many hearts and mended mine very slowly. It took me three years to properly get over J1, only then was I able to sustain a proper relationship and used words like "love" more carefully.
I realised yesterday that I was no longer cynical of love, that maybe, if given the chance, I could believe in it properly. An email today made me count my blessings and realise how lucky I am to have found people that understand and accept me just the way I am. I shouldn't ponder on bad things as nothing good ever comes out of it. It also served as a reminder that no matter what I do, regardless of whether I pass or fail (God, I hope not) in my plans.. my family and those that love me will be around to either celebrate or pick up the pieces.
I'd like to think of myself as independent, but I'm really not. For four years, I had always depended on a sense of security from my ex-boyfriend. He gave me that assurance I needed to stay strong, to keep my chin up and made me feel better whenever I heard someone say something bad about me. He was the only one who could help my bruised ego stand back up. Even today, when I probably shouldn't, I think fondly of him. I'd rather not remember the bad memories where I felt manipulated or tricked.
Dad always said to me, especially during my times of struggle or whenever I am enraged with hatred for someone: "Always remember the good times you had. Years of trust can be broken by just one lie, and it's that lie that people will always remember" Well, that's my translation of it anyway, what my dad actually said was "
Ingat kan baik saja arah orang. Walaupun kita buat baik arah orang, benda buruk yang kita buat, itulah yang dorang ingat". That isn't very fair is it?
Our break up was, I admit, not one of the hardest thing I had to do, the hard part came when I allowed myself to let go of the reminders and remnants of him. Throughout our time together I thought I was good enough and well minded to settle down after graduating. I thought "
yes, it's now time to stop exploring, to stop searching". I thought this is what I want and all I need. We tried too hard to make it work.
Sometimes the cracks don't start showing until it's too late.
I admit, it's probably my fault: I had been unfaithful too many times. It wasn't right that he could accept me for every thing I had done to him and I could not. I had given up. It was just time, every thing had taken its course. Our relationship was more like a piece of fabric that's been dragged well over time, just random shards and tiny strings keeping us together. In the end, the fabric tore. Ultimately, all he said was "
okay." That, my dear friends, was the end of my four year long relationship.
It's even harder now when all people can picture is you and that significant person because that's all they know about you. I found it particularly hard whenever someone mentions his name, or asks me about him. You know when you meet a couple and you've known them for so long that they're just one person combined? Like Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, like Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. How shocking it was that when they split up? And me (so insignificant!), how do I answer? (Please ah, I am not comparing myself to these celebrities, but they were the best examples I could think of without naming my friends) Am I to simply say that we're no longer together but I'm sure he's well? Haha. Awkwardness as it is. I remember people would ask if I was serious, if it were really over. Yes, I'd say. There is nothing that can change that now and I am not asking any one to fix it.
As cliche as this is going to sound, he and I were going different directions. The more I thought about it, the more I knew. I had planned on staying in UK for a while longer, get a job here.. ideally move away. It wasn't something he would have wanted or could easily accept. Time was running short and I've been accused of running away because I can't face the reality of settling down and getting married. I think in a way, maybe they were right. I wasn't ready. I needed more time to think of what I wanted and where I'd like to be in five to ten years. Surprisingly enough, I can imagine myself settling down, funnily enough, but
at the time I couldn't put a face on this imaginary husband of mine. Right now, all I want to do is wish him happiness and a better life without me because I am happy where I am right now. I have every thing I need and want, but I have him to thank for making me who I am now. He's shaped me in to someone I don't recognise anymore..and I'm now rebuilding those pieces.
But I know that whatever decisions I make, those who care and love me will be there. So what do I have to lose?
So let me admit this: I have fallen for a guy I'm not good enough for, and yet he sticks around because he thinks that I'm the best thing he's ever found. C'est La Vie.
photo taken by taufiq yusop.
