yasmin.
xx
I posted on my LJ the other day about how I think how we (the young people) make things around us become so over rated when they really don't need to be. Personally, I know how I've made mountains out of mole hills that shouldn't even have been built. Is it that we're the ones who make ourselves depressed or is it all in our head? What's up with that anyway?
You would think now that I've turned eighteen, maybe I've grown up more. Maybe I've began to understand what's actually going on around me. I know I've grown up more, I know I've begun to understand. Where do I really belong? I don't place myself with my ‘sisters’; I don't place myself with my 'brothers'. Where do I belong? God forbid me imagining myself belonging once again to the cliques I used to float around in. I just don't belong anymore.
I want to, but would that really make me happy? I recall a time when I tried to 'fit in' just as I once did, all I ended up doing was pretending. Pretending to be someone I'm not. Pretending to enjoy something everyone else did. Why do we do that anyway?
I don't think many people know this, but I used to practice my smile in front of the mirror so no one would see my frown. After a while, I got sick of pretending. That's when all the kids in school would just see that grumpy frown I'd have in the morning, I try to smile but it just didn't look real anymore. How do you know if you're suffering depression anyway? How bad does it have to be to start seeing doctors? How SAD do you have to be to get help?
THEN there was a time when I started cutting myself. It was the whole cutter, knife blade and wrist thing. The Irony? I cut myself to kill the pain. Ha. Truest thing I've ever read on post secrets. What was my explanation for going through that? There's a difference between feeling pain physically and mentally. When it's in your head, you don't feel anything.. yet something's killing you at the same time, but you don't feel the pain. The cut is an outlet for the pain to come out from the 'heart'. Do you understand that? I stopped when my friends' found out. One of my friends' hit my wrist with his fingers and I swear they hurt like crazy when you've only cut yourself the night before.
It's true when they say if you know a friend who talks about doing (or even slightly considering) suicide, they need help. They really do. They need someone to talk to, just like I needed someone to talk to. I'm glad I had that particular friend. I'm glad he was there for me to talk to, and get through it all. I'm glad she was there to hug me and help me cope, even though I've got friends who see it as stupid, but they wouldn't know until they go through it themselves. Sigh. Like when there was a case when a girl passed away in school, I just cried and cried. That hit me really hard because it COULD HAVE been me. You know what hurt even more? Sigh. When words just cannot come out to tell that person how much you feel and all they can say is how dumb the situation is. I can't forget that.
I still have these thin lines of scars on my wrist, they're fading though. I know reasons why they got there, and only a few people know why. I keep saying that life is a learning experience, it really is. We need to learn from it. I know I did. I'm better now, and life isn't so bad. I still pretend to smile though, but I'm working on it. I know that there are some days when my smiles are sincere, even though I'd wish they weren't. I'm not meant to be depressed any more. I'm building a life with the people I love, and it is getting better.
love,
yasmin.
As of today, my exam will be just one week away. So people, I'm out for a while. I'll be back soon. =) wish me luck for my exams!
with love,
yasmin.
Exams will be in just over a week from tomorrow, I can't wait because it'll mean all the skills and knowledge I've learnt over the two years will be fused on to a sheet of paper which will show my final A level grades in August. Isn't that just dandy? A 2 month wait from June. The suspense will kill me, and I want to see good results. I want to achieve the best I can be on that sheet of paper.
I remember crying when I realized that my best friend and I will be going seperate ways, to move on with our lives after four years of being by each others side. Every day in school, we would be eating our egg sandwiches at break (without veggies of course), along with a can of ice lemon tea or a bottle of water. It isn't exactly routine to me of course, it's just something that happens naturally. We are almost opposites although we do have a lot in common through our love for sports like basketball and netball, and thirst for mathematics.
It'll be her 19th birthday tomorrow. And it's only 2 hours away from now.
I love you mehamehaambu......... heh ;)
/underaged is a different story because he says I deleted his site. Mmm.. well, you can't access it at the moment. God knows where his index page went. I need to talk to you soon titz, please e-mail me what the problem is and I'll sort it out a.s.a.p. because you're giving me a headache. thank you <3 align="justify">rebirth. ha.
So anyway, I'm waiting for /diamonds to come back up because mzdebugz hasn't told me anything about closing/disappearing/suddenly appearing back again. hehe babe, email me please when your exams finish because I don't seem to have time to talk online nowadays :S
/dumplings will be up soon as part of Alisa's late birthday present. Geez, I'm slow.
Oh and new hostee: /orange. *kiss* say hello to Justin from Tazmania, Australia.
/stupidlogic is still on my *special* list because he's a doll and he keeps me updated with everything going on so I have no problem with him *heart*
I have no problem with /nayt because I live with her, and besides, her posts actually mean something and isn't random babling, thus the reason why her website is a must read.
I gotta love /rachy as she is still updated regularly though I don't talk to rach as much as I used to. =)
My darling, /exotic,updates maybe once every few weeks? can't blame her because of exam stress. I hope she'll update more when her exams finish.
/fwap bought a redirecting domain to her site.. hehe =) I know she's still working on improving fwap with her fwapping skills. No worries about that since the air is cleared. talked, and we're cool because I know what's going on. *mwah
/8teen is okay. but I find your layout scary =P because I'm afraid of horror movies.
/diya is on password protected. if anyone wants a pass, you'll have to find a way to contact her. not me. because I've put her in charge of her own password and access alllowance. love you darls
/shorty-bn has disappeared. hm. probably due to work. must stalk her at centerpoint soon.
Any other hostees; those I might have forgotten to mention; those who wish to remain hidden; those who have disappeared/have problems with their logins, plugins, life.. etc. Talk to me please because I need to know your status.
yup. okay. thanks.
that's all from me, until my next update.
love,
yasmin.
I just drank like 3 cups of green tea. I'm going for my fourth and fifth one very soon. Y'know, the only time I drink excessive amounts of tea (may it be green tea, english breakfast tea or just plain ceylon tea) is when I'm upset. I'm damn well upset. I just ate half a packet of malteasers, which taste too sweet to me =( and it's suppose to be my favourite junk food. I've run out of ALL my nachos (probably because my sister has eaten them up), and I'm not in the mood for Jacob's crackers. *sigh*
In short, today practically sucked. Other than getting up only to find out that there is no frigging water in my room, and to find out that the water down stairs is freezing cold and they're only dripplets, I managed school fine. I had an accounting paper 4 mock exam which was bullocks because oh I don't know. The funny thing is that everything that came out was stuff I was good at, so why the hell did my mind go blank? Don't you just hate it when that happens? I guess I did manage to scrape up whatever thoughts or ideas I had in my head and just answered the questions.
I want to get school done and over with. I'm driving myself nuts because I can't make myself happy any more because of exam pressure and the expectancy for me to do well. I am not well. Everyone is making me SICK. STOP it. Leave me alone. PLEASE? I don't need any more remindings. I don't need you to push me. I know where the hell I'm leading, but right now I'm being pushed into hell.
xx,
yasmin.
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My name's Yasmin Patera. I usually go by the name yas. I'm South-East Asian and was raised in a country called Brunei Darussalam. I'm the eldest of two siblings, so it's just my sister and I rocking our parents' world :) I'm turning twenty this year, and I have a boyfriend who won't let me forget it because he wants me to grow up, whatever that means.
I'm currently living in Loughborough, UK and studying my second year of my madness of a degree; BSc. Maths, Accounting & Financial Management at Loughborough University. I'd love it if more Bruneians came here and help me liven up the place more :-) We've reached a total of 30 people now, and I hope there are more to come. I am (since December) the unofficial president of Loughborough Brunei Society.. I hope for it to become official in a week and a half's time when elections come around.
I'm friendly and sociable in my own kind of way. I love sports; netball and basketball in particular.. but I'm flexible and I'm always up for new things as long as it doesn't involve too much pain. Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark and my imagination streches to places where it shouldn't go so I freak myself out very easily. There's always a demon lurkying around somewhere eh. I like staying indoors during Winter, taking long walks during Summer, and I don't like the rain very much. It looks depressing.
Unfortunately for me, I can only speak two languages: Malay (or Bahasa Melayu) and English with the first being my mother tongue. However, I do know a few words here and there of different languages (of which are too embarassing for me to admit so I'll keep quiet about them. lol). Physically, I'm normal built, 5"4 with a lot of spunk. I think glasses are too heavy to be worn all day so I usually stick with coloured contact lenses. Seriously, glasses do hurt if you wear them through out the day. Anyway, I'm left handed and I have relatively large hands.... and they scare me sometimes. I don't wear much make up, and when I do, they're normally from Benefit.
I have a favourite author; Jodi Picoult. I've got ten of her books so far and I'm hoping to build my collection. I don't have a favourite movie or anything like that.. but my all-time favourite actress would be Nicole Kidman, just because.
XX
I suppose I could say I'm not in the most idealistic moods right now. I feel like crying actually. One would be due to the irritation I'm feeling with the people who 'fixed' angel13 because they removed MS FrontPage. They pissed me off the week before because they removed Adobe Photoshop and Image ready (but I got that back). My latest discovery is the missing MS FrontPage from angel's system. bloody hell.
Another reason why I'm feeling this way would be that I want to cry, and just cry until there are no more tears that want to come out from my eyes. I have been holding in my need to cry for a while now, even with people saying things I wish they didn't, I am yet to just cry.
Three weeks today will be the Sixth Form Grad Ball. Nyeh to that. Sif.
Anyway. What has been happening? As I've mentioned, the non-stop mock exams we've been having have been stressing me out. I might just break down from the mass exam mood, and I wish I could just take the week off and sleep.
I'm suffering from stress symptoms I suppose. I wake up in the middle of the night, like clockwork. Either that, or I can't fall asleep til midnight. I have to be awake by 5:30A to get to school on time or suffer the consequences that teachers seem to threaten us with non-stop.
We've got tons of new school rules. I'm just thankful I only have four weeks of school left because if I had to endure another year of being there I'd just simply die. I'm not saying that it's a bad school or anything, but I think we're beginning to push ourselves into hell zone. Study time is maximized for students; other schools who are doing the same syllabus are on study leave. o.o I don't get what they're doing other than stretching a student's ability that can't be pulled any further.
Student individuality is pulled away, making everyone just clones of one another. I'm sick of it. Blah. Four weeks.I just think it's crazy. but that's my opinion. School is messing me up.
Now I really feel like crying.
Happy birthday 18th Rz.. =)
angel13 isn't working again, and all I've done so far is just whine about it. Exams are just around the corner and I finished making the posters for the sixth form graduation ball :) but there's still a bit of editing needed as the ball commitee haven't implimented it for improvements.
I have my english O level oral exam this Monday. I didn't take it back in Year 11, so I just thought I'd try it out.. hehe :) I just want my exams to get done and over with. I want to whine about my exams, but then it's not like they're going to change my schedule just for me right? :P though, I'm quite positive that no one in Brunei is doing the subject course line as I am in A levels.. haha I doubt very much that there's anyone doing Accounting, Business and Maths plus AS physics :P haiz.
I might be posting just for the sake of posting. So I'll end it here.
love,
yas.
I have been studying and making full use of my study periods. I found a new book to read called Love Me by Garrison Keillor. The cover they sell in Brunei is available in Best Eastern, but it's a paperback in Redish Pink and there's one left @ $18.80. It's different compared to the books I've read since it's written by a guy through a guy perspective. It's better than If Andy Warhol Had a Girlfriend by Alison Pace. There's only one book left in Best Eastern if you want it and costs about $18.80, heh. Yes, Best Eastern tends to sell 2 books per title in every book store they have. So if you're lucky, you might just get the limited number of copies they sell. Pfft. I wore glasses the whole of today except during PE.. we had netball and I signed up for football this term. It's about time I learnt a new sport to play. Who knows, I might even be good at it :P I'm probably meeting up with Pheng and Bong with Aimi this weekend for lunch which should be fun :)
Gmail is kicking ass with their new system and features. I've been fooling around with my digi a lot and my deviantart is being updated almost daily. I saw a huge spider this morning near the T block girls toilets.. I recorded it's movements for like 30 seconds because honestly? I wanted to catch it. Maybe next time.
Okay, this isn't really a think-about-life post.. so here's a cheer for a different type of post *YAY* Moving on away from that.. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who msged and said happy birthday to me on Tuesday :) I appreciate them so much because it made me feel happy that people remembered..though little hints gave it away.. but it's the thought that counts :)
I want to thank especially: Nayt, aQilah, Yazid, Aimi, Lina, 13, Ranz, tutor group!!!!!, Bubbles (;P), Feefee, Rano, Nizam, Koko Tom, Pheng, Adeline, Hazie, John S. Muneer, Livie, mona, Jo, Aisya, 277, Rahimah <3,Syai, Mayakins, Rachael, Wani, Wajdi, Tinaaaa 51, Jijoy, Azrul (especially you coz you made the crowd sing me happy birthday :D), Karimah, Titz, whoever's number lasts with 1121 cz I don't know who you are, Quan, Jason Lee, Zeer, Eddie, Mummy Una, Jizzy, Abang Ipen, Hafiz, Rz, Melon, Huda and a whole bunch of other people who just surprised me..hehe ESPECIALLY SHANNON :P (yes, that's a lot of plugs.. make sure you click on "new window" so you don't move away from this page.. haha)
Aimi brought in a cake during maths class to add to the cookies I brought to school. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. She made my day, and made me full of creamy mud cake :P thanks mi :)
Ade and Rach baked me a chocolate cake... hehe :) I had a great night, it was my first time out at night on my birthday.. haha usually I'd be in bed by nine :P Yup, thank you everyone who made my 18th better than I thought it would be. Thank you so much.
so, much love..
yasmin.
xoxo
In my head, I'm doing cart-wheels.. but at the same time, I feel sad. I don't really want to leave school. University. Oh big woord.. Never mind university, not now anyway because:
Exams first = actual results = place in university.
Which university though? Sigh. Exams. Mocks are happening every week. Revision is already happening in accounting because we finished our syllabus back in February. I have to redo some exam papers and look over my mock paper. blah. We're still working our way through chapter 3 in Maths P3, but we've done ever other chapter except chapter 6. God.. Exams are so close. How are we going to revise Mechanics 2 in time? My. God. As for business studies, it's revision.. revision.. refresh your memory.. mocks every week. Unit 5, then unit 6.. unit 5 then unit 6.. blah....... we call it 'demotivating' because it boring and repeatative..
I got an offer to design the sixth form graduation ball (note: it's graduation ball, not your ball. it's the graduator's ball.. not yours). I'm pondering about on it. I wonder if I'll get paid *grins* Ah, that's not at the top of my list of worries anyway. My top worry is my P3 maths.. @#$%!!!!!
I turn 18 tomorrow, woop-tee-doo.. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I just want to spend time with the person I love, go home.. and sleep. Another day will be over.. and oh, I'm 18 :) I want to drive a car. The weekend, I might just have a little party.. or not. I'll have to think about that. I don't want to feel obligated to invite people just because because.. I wish aQilah, Yazid and Lina were in Brunei though, then I'd really have to plan a party ;P I miss you guys :) mwah..
So, good night..
I felt edgy about seeing the people I haven't spoken to/seen/heard from for over six years. I felt scared once again renewing old friendships and hardships. Everyone must have gone down through memory lane last night. I even saw my first crush, but that was years ago.. And I cannot believe I still remember. The people missing were my oldest best friends, which sucked because I was looking forward in seeing them again. Unfortunately they couldn't make it so it's alright. I did however, got to sit with my old peers, the buddies I used to fool around with by the gym and did stupid dares with.
The reunion was great. Although I missed seeing Zunnur because he's in Australia, Filah who just didn't make it :( and Fadzillah.. I wanted to see her. Oh well. I met two guys who didn't register in my head, it was quite funny because they insisted that they were once my friends in primary. Almost everyone looks slightly different, most of them just looked like their older versions so you could never forget that cheeky grin or smile they have. Some others, changed completely from clothes to their physique. It's just great seeing old friends again.
p.s. those who didn't come, we wish you did :)
I went to Qudduus's birthday party earlier in the day. I didn't get too tanned because Shahyzul gave me sunblock. Haha. It was a great party, with bowling games, beach volleyball and a huge bouncer... I felt like a kid again, all jumpy and smiling. Thank you Q, for the great day. And HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY! :D I hope you like your birthday present.
There's still a week of holidays left although the government school students have begun their classes today. Pft. Have fun Syai & Jo.. I'll be thinking of you while I park my bum in front of my PC...... hahaha nadalah. To be honest, I want school to start. Because, if it did.. I'd probably start working my ass off and catch up with whatever the hell it was I've missed in my studies due to hospital visits and feeling ill.
I think over the past month I have gotten healthier. I managed to snag a tan while I was in KL because of the athletics. We were made to sit in the blazing hot sun and me forgetting to buy/bring sunblock. The tan made me look like I'm not dying from a sickness as I did when I became pale (due to avoiding the sun and very good moisturizing sunblock ;P). I lost the eyes that look like I'm about to just breakdown crying. Thank god for that because I've been associated with 'the person who looks like she's going to burst'.
Replies;
aeny: hehe corny cheer up lines don't cheer me up..They do make me smile though. Thanks Aeny :D I guess as you grow up, you learn things through living it. That's what I want to do. :)
wans: I hope you get your grades. Who knows, we might end up together.. Yet again XP
Livie: Learning to pull away from the hype helped me a lot.. or else I'd probably be just another zombie laid back in Gadong. Haha. It's all a learning process, you don't really know what's what until you've been through it. I guess I'm trying to see what I really didn't want to see..haha thanks :D
Faten: Getting into a uni with your actual grades is like a confirmed conditional entry because, well.. You've got the grades. haha I'm going to die of curiosity with my grade outcome. hahaha
I've got my doubts about people and doubts about myself. I'm not the person to say where I stand in the world because I probably stand in different places in different perspectives. I'm turning 18 soon, I'm looking forward to becoming that age.. Although I'm not looking forward to the day I turn 18. Does that even make sense? I'm looking forward to being 18, but I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I almost cried during dinner last night because my parents were asking me where I wanted to celebrate it this year. Haha. Thinking about birthday celebrations makes me think of my birthday last year. My friends gathered at our lunch table and brought in a cake, which was really nice of them. I appreciated that a lot, although I wish things were better last year. I remember waking up in the middle of the night on my birthday, crying. Ah, we'll just have to see what happens this year.
I was going to have a birthday party with just me and my close friends. Then again, I'm not so sure. I might just cancel the whole thing because I'd rather be alone this year, I mean.. that's what everyone's been trying to tell me right? I deserve to be alone. Thanks a lot.
I'm so sick of pretending to be okay. I went through the large part of last year just smiling without meaning it. I'm so sick of hearing, "be strong". Bump that, no one can stay strong for so long. The longer you hold it in, the bigger the crack of pain. I guess when I start thinking; I get more and more messed up than ever.
I sat down at dinner last night; memories just flowed in of last year. I suppose I could say that I am deeply disappointed in a number of people in my life, but I'd rather not point fingers. I live and grieve things that happen in the past although many would just say move on and forget. It's not exactly easy. It's just easier said than done. I appreciate people around me, I have reasons why my best friend and I have a very professional friendship and I don't blame others for questioning us. We barely even talk in public, and yet we remain as tight as ever. I can go on not seeing/talking to my best friends for over a month (e.g. like when they're abroad studying) and when we'd meet, it'd be like they were never gone. That's the type of friends I have and keep to last my lifetime. I'm happy with that. It's weird when you have close friends, and if you don't talk to them for about a week.. you have absolutely nothing in common or it feels like something is changed. I guess there are different types of friends. I tried, I have been trying.. There isn't a day when I don't think about how things are.. But luv, you can't clap with one hand. It won't work if the other party won't try and work it too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need things to meet half way, because I can't stretch that far. I have my limits. I've said that many times. I just wish I could sort things out. People change, I know because I have too.
Exams are coming soon. Right now I've narrowed down my university choices, and I've decided not to go to London anymore because the university isn't really offering the course I initially wanted.. I've got plenty of time to retract these thoughts, but for now.. I don't want to go to London. I'm working on improving my AS grades, so far I'm on abbbd. The university I'm aiming for wants AAB+b. My general studies qualification doesn't count because they don't recognize it as a subject, and if they did.. my life would be so much easier. I'm trying to improve on my physics paper (and I did by one grade :D), but I still need another 15 points to get at least a C, although I'm aiming for higher than that. My second choice university offered ABB (provided I get an A in math), which is good because I trust myself to get at least those grades. I just wish myself luck (wish me please).
[added]
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
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My trait snapshot: I am; neat freak, organized, worrying, phobic, fears the unknown, irritable, pessimistic, emotionally sensitive, fears chaos, risk averse, fragile, unadventurous, depressed, frequently second guesses self, likes to fit in, does not like to stand out, perfectionist, hard working, does not like to be alone, clingy, dependent, practical, ordinary, cautious, takes precautions, good at saving money, suspicious, heart over mind, busy, altruistic[/added]
from stupidlogic. =D mwaaaah
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