Friday, December 02, 2005

leg whinerr :p

Honestly speaking, this place is a damn ice box. It's like living in a huge refridgerator..haha and its so cold. It snowed just the other day but I didn't get a chance to take any photos because I was in the hospital. Three guesses of what happened just a week ago? =P I bet you'd probably get it right after a first guess. Yes, I hurt my leg again. BUT its not the usual left one, in fact, I hurt the leg that isn't suppose to get injured. I'm not really sure what happened, but I think this Malaysian girl and I were trying to catch the ball.. hehee and I think we crashed and I landed on my right leg. YEAAHH I KNOWWW.. and I'm injured and not allowed to play sports for at least 3-4 weeks. It's absolute torture for me. =( Especially since my exercise time here is really limited.. haha. I actually went around playing indoor football just a week ago, it was a lot of fun and I scored a goal ;D
I just had dinner with a bunch of people at my friend's house. I helped cook, and I am exhausted.. it's actually 1130P, and they just popped on a korean vcd.. heh. I've got a hell load of coursework to do this weekend, but I'm spending the night here.. because I'd rather be here with my friends.. haha I hate spending the weekend alone.
Anyways, I will update soon. I just rhought I'd whine about my leg a bit. hehehe
much love,
yasmin.
xx

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Being cold.

It's so cold here that my hands dry up and the parts where the skin mostly folds up are so red that they look like they're about to bleed. And dear god, they look ugly. I rub aloe vera on them and they just look worse.. and the lotion smells nice that it actually calms me down. The laundry was so warm in my hands, I need warmer gloves.. and something to protect my ears when I walk outside. They say it's suppose to get colder here, but they don't really know when. A friend mentioned that this winter will be the coldest one yet. Awesome, I might as well have been sent to Alaska or something. It's freaking cold. The upper part of my lips feel stiff, they don't look dry.. just very red. I can't even open it properly because it stings. I drink water, lots of it.. but it doesn't help. Cold weather soaks up all the moisture in the air, guess who has to suffer? Let's be selfish with the answer here, yeah, ME. I have to endure the cold and live with it.

I've read through 3 of Jodi Picoult's books throughout my 7weeks here. Each and every one of them have made me cry one way or another through grief, shock and whatnots. I am hating the idea of losing my ability to write and express myself cleary through my own website. I cannot believe that I've lost that connection I once had to manually update whenever the day goes through.

Coursework seems to be a delightful issue here. I, for one, am particularly happy with the computerized based tests (that's our "coursework"), but I will whine and wince at the thoughts of written ones. Blegh. We get at least one coursework per week, all of which have to be done within that week and submitted either to the computer checker (i.e. the submit button :tongue: ) or to the math or business department. So far, the math department is winning with a total of 6 courseworks and as for the business department, they are dragging behind with only one. Me, I'm fine with things either way, but I seem to be enjoying calculus more than I ever think I would..and linear algebra is not struggling to join its place with calculus, but has somehow fallen.. and won't get up.

I still need a bedside table or maybe a cupboard so I can easily put my things away in proper order. My desk looks like a tornado passed through it, and everytime I clean it up.. it'll only get messed up again about 20minutes later. I've been tempted to buy an iPod nano/shuffle but that's probably because every person I walk pass here is wearing ear phones and is probably listening to some punk band I'd probably enjoy. Yes, peer pressure and the bloody urge to fit in. oh how utterly pathetic.

I think my health is deteriating, I'm never sure what to eat, or what to eat. I'm eating more vegetables though, but they're from IceLand, nice and frozen. All I gotta do is fry the cornbeef or tuna, and just dump some green in.. and there we go, all colours. I'm gonna buy a bike one day, it's purple and belongs to one of my seniors. Might as well, it would save the wear and tear of my only pair of shoes. I feel like a moron. I've got plenty of shoes back home, and how many did I bring? One pair for sports (which I refuse to wear for anything else because I'm worried I might ruin them) and just another pair for everyday use. Yes, I need boots because my poor toes freeze up in class..and stomping them just looks weird.

I bought a new scarf the other day, it's purple and it came with a pair of woolen gloves. Now that's awesome. I still need a jumper or something to keep myself warm.. wearing 4 layers of clothes here still isn't enough, and it doesn't help when your ears freeze up and turn red.. that just gets so freaking painful. What's worse? The weather dries up my hair and skin, and.. I look ugly. My face has blotches every where, and it's just horrible. So that's a stiff upper lip, red blotchy skin and hair that looks like it's been fried. Oh luxuries of being in a better country. pft. Maybe it's allergies. I managed to prevent myself from getting sick though I knew it should have happened anyway. Cold weather always gives me the sniffles, and headaches that just won't go away. Can you imagine having a headache throughout a whole weekend up to now? That's 6 days of non-stop head-to-wall banging. It is so not dandy. paning ku eh.

So what do I have here for breakfast might you ask? Well, depending on what I have left over from dinner (if I do have dinner), if I still have a lot of rice, I'd eat rice. If not, I'd probably have toast with jam and butter or with nutella. Then, if I'm lucky, I'd have Quacker Oats or Coco Pops since they don't have Koko Krunch here, I wonder if I can import some in. If those choices aren't available, what do I do? I don't know. I scrape up whatever I can find in the kitchen I guess. I had potato waffles the other day with eggs for breakfast. God, I'm going to be so fat when I get back. whatdahellman. Did I mention I weigh 59.7kg? Yeah, I'm HUGE. *cough*

Anyway, it's late. I'm going to bed.
gnight.
I'm missing home. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my mum. I miss my dad. I misssss my sisterrr.. and I miss my best friends.

love,

yasmin.
xx

Monday, October 31, 2005

Security circle.

What's really weird about being here is that I'm not in my security circle. I wish I could be with at home right now, just sitting down and listening to my music on angel13. I miss home, tough. No one really cares right? Sigh. It's cold and miserable here. I've been depressed for a few days now.. and I can't go back home because it'll be a waste of money, bla bla bla and whatever else reasons.
I don't really hate being here, but knowing that I'm going to be here until June 2006 sucks. I want to go back home and bring my comfy pillows here and shove my huge teddy into my bag, then maybe I can pack the rest of my t-shirts because the clothes they sell here are so not worth the cash they ask for. £5 to me is still a hecklot I can do with back home, but actually, that's not even enough to buy a top. I'm cold here, and I don't have enough clothes. lol. I have no money. I'm just saving up to buy food, god knows how well I budget. I'm starrving because it's fasting month.. well, only a few days to go for that part.
Oh, in case I forgot to mention; I am at Loughborough University, UK. I made the 2nd basketball team, but didn't join because I don't like walking home at night, and because it was going to cost me £72 to join in for the year.. annd.. I thought it over and decided that I should just join in next year instead because I'd probably be used to the university by then.
My first three friends here were all guys from Hong Kong. They thought I was chinese and I had to politely explain that I wasn't, and I didn't know any cantonese and the only words I know in chinese are in mandarin anyway. Adeline would get a nice laugh out of this, along with Rachael if they heard the words that have been said to me in whatever dialic it is they use here. lol.
For my part, there aren't as many Bruneians here as you'd find in Notthingham, which is like 15minutes away by car. But there are enough to keep me company over weekends, which is what I've been doing: sleepovers and late night movie sessions with everyone else :happy: day-light savings started yesterday, and by 5pm it looked like it was already 9pm. Scary I know.. I was a bit freaked myself because I was at my friends' house that evening. We broke our fasts around 4:40pm, along with some pizza that the seniors brought the house :tounge: I walked home, it took about 15minutes.. which isn't that far by my standards, because if I were walking alone (which I won't ever ever be doing if it's at night), it would take me 10minutes flat to walk from my hall of resisdence to the weekend house. HAHA. I'm caling it the weekend house because I'm probably going to spend my weekends with them anyway >.<
I know I haven't blogged lately, I am sorry.. but I do have photos, but I don't know if I'm going to end up posting them up here or not. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life here, and back home. It's no different from the one I used to live in except minus a few perks i.e. having a boyfriend who's in the same country, cheaper mobile rates, more time to play basketball and the sun doesn't go down at 4pm!! Wthhhhhhhh..
I went to Leicester about two weeks ago. That was a lot of fun but I didn't do much shopping, probably spent £20max on books at WH Smith, which is what I've been doing regularly. Most of the stuff I spend my money on is on books and food. I'm tempted to buy clothes soo many times, but that would just blow my budget and I don't think I'm getting any money any time soon until the whole bank account deal is done and over with. :angry: SLOW SLOW SLOWW..
Oh, I'm here on Government scholarship. I didn't post about it back in August because I didn't want to jinx it and I wasn't even sure if I was going to go to university or not. To those of you who didn't know I left, I'm sorry because I only confirmed that I was flying off on Monday, and I left the following day. Yes, it was that last minute. :sad: I only packed a couple of shirts. I've got a few right now in a nice Iceland plastic bag, waiting to be washed. lol.
I bought a printer and a hand vaccuum here though because I cannot stand the idea of waiting for someone to vaccuum my room :sad: It tends to turn into one helluva mess. But I make sure that most of the time the stuff in my room is organised. I've got a rice cooker and kettle in here too. I kind of regret telling my mum not to get me a toaster because sometimes I hate going to the kitchen where it's just freezing from the wind outside.. and I have to get up in the middle of the night to burn some toast for my sahur.
The textbooks I had to buy here cost me like £200, and I think I'm suppose to get about two more next semester. It's week 5 here already, nothing too special except the fact that my first coursework is due in in three days :confused: Sigh, did a math test online. I didn't do well on that one because I accidently clicked the submit button, and you can only do the damn thing once. that's like 3% of my grade down the drain.. well, maybe slightly less. Blah.
On a weekly basis, I think I'm spending about £20 on food per week, and this would vary if I eat out with my friends.. but most of the time it's us eating at someone's place and we bring food to eat there..I try to restrain myself from spending more than £5 per day because I can't afford more than that for now.
At the moment, I'm still waiting for my debit/credit cards, cheque book, balance book, etc from HSBC. I've 'opened' an account, but without those little things, I can't pay my accomodation. :angry: It sucks baaddlyy..
I get headaches here regularly, and I find it hard to fall asleep. I guess I'm either thinking too much or the weather here is just too bad. Blah. My nose gets blocked easily in the morning, and god, that's a hell lot of tissues. :grin: I've used up 3 boxes in 5 weeks. Yup, it's that bad here.
I might be going down to London this weekend, depending on where I can stay. Its going to be packed with other Bruneians is my guess. I know. I know. I have a lot of things on my mind. :sad: Oh well.
That's one long post. I will post again another time.
love,
yasmin.
xx

Sunday, September 04, 2005

humour, love and laughter.

In terms of humour, I have to admit that I love titz because he's so freaking sarcastic and whenever we get together.. we're always full of silly (but FUNEEEE) jokes and err.. we like to bitch. lol because titz and I are honestly an evil combination of people. Honestly! He's just awesome to talk to because we share the same interest.. and no, I don't have the hots for one of my closest friend's brother, which is actually his place in my life i.e. my closse friend's brother but I'd like to think of him as a very very very good yet silly friend :happy: he's teh 9123A7357. (haha, can you read tht ti? =P)

As for laughter, I'm the giggling type. In terms of first impression, anyone can tell you I'm a joyful, happy go lucky girl. I'd like to tell you I am.. some times. It's not always easy pretending to be okay when you're not.. and if you can tell I'm not when I've got a plastered smile on my face, there's probably more to you than what meets the eye. Laughter is a self-expression. I think it's a wonderful type of emotion expression (better than the funny emoticons you see :tounge: ) Who makes me laugh most? Haha, last night it was titz, but I don't see him as often as I used to/as I like.. so at the moment, the people who make me laugh and smile are those I play basketball with. This is because they are very funny people with their antics and C00L basketball 5k1llz. awesome :wink:

Love. Where do you begin to define it? It's an awesome feeling. There's the unconditional and then there's the other one. I admit I am spoilt on both accounts, particularly with those who live with me.. and those who live around me. My world is based on decisions already made for me and I probably can say something about it, but there really isn't much I can say to change it. Love, how do I value thee? I'd like to say I can't live without it, even if I tried. The best ones are the ones you don't expect to happen. The lousy ones are the ones you force to happen.. look at what's happening now.

The blog probably looks like I'm posting once a month, I'll probably give more commitment to it soon..but not now. I come home exhausted every night, and blogging in the morning isn't exactly ideal to me because I'm not sure where the day will take me. I'm not sure how I'd be feeling at the end of the day, if I'm sad :sad: , happy :happy:, or even feeling worried :worried: .

I probably really shouldn't say much right now because there are a lot of uncertainties that are awaiting their results. I might have good news next week, but that will have to wait until then. and I'm probably going to post something private on my LJ in a few days.

Honestly, I just wanted to post about titz. haahahhahaha yes, his name is literately like that. =P

love,
yasmin.
xoxox

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

emo

Words seem have a way of cheering people up. Presence isn't always a requirement.. just hearing, listening or even reading things can cheer someone up. I dunno, I was feeling down this morning.. and decided to check up on my friendster. Found a couple of weirdos have added me (lol) and some nice people.. other than that, I mixed my photos up and down. Just added SFW on my list. I'm most emo! :D ANYWAY, about words; I decided to read some of my funny and sometimes-not-true testimonials and some profiles. :happy: Most cheered me up, but it made me sad at the same time because you can't turn back time. I miss old days, when things weren't so difficult and talking was an easy task because you knew every one. Now everyone's just .. gone and out of the country. Technology's suppose to bring you closer but yet you're so far apart. :sad:

I've been out every day playing basketball, I'm aching when I get back home but I stay up til about midnight because I'm waiting for a phone call to put me to sleep. rawr. Nothing weird about that. My shooting is getting better I think, and I've lost my fear against those who scare me.. :tongue: but my shots aren't getting much progress. Defense wise, who knows? I need DARREN, HUIZ and ETC to stop teasing. Mati, malu ku. hahaha

My LJ and dART is practically dead. I have lost my muse :sad: and I don't know what to do. I'd upload photos I've taken, but they don't have enough meaning in them.. and I'm not happy. Because of that, I don't see a reason to post them up. Pathetic. Blegh.

The new layout has actually been up for a month, I finally got around to changing the address into index.php :tongue: to be honest, I had already fixed it the day I said I messed it up.. hehe but I was too busy to change everything.. I know the page loads up and then reloads because of the emoticons and smilies, my apologies for that.. I'm still working on it. So, if something doesn't appear and has an X, right click and click on "show picture". Thanks :happy:

Links are updated, I added mostly people from BruStu. My final A level results are published tomorrow. I don't know what to feel. Part of me is scared.. and then some parts of me just don't want to know. I'm probably terrified :wink: I feel silly.

emo pic;


//play something corporate - this broken heart.

nyah.
love,
yasmin.
xx

tag replies:
jo; I like my hair as it is now.. I guess it'll grow. I'm still not used to it (lol even after a month!! kacau eh). I kinda miss my long hair sometimes, but a change is always nice every now and then. :D

koko justin; i wuuuuuuuvvv you koko! i use sunstink toooooooooo. lol

amal; haha yeah thanks :D lain kali tagurrr!

hazie; I miss you :( why won't you marry me? gay marriages aren't allowed in brunei. LETS ELOPE AND GO TO THE USA :D lol. I miss you hazie, seriously. We need to go out :) mwah. love you xoxoxoxoxxxxx

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

accomplishments.

A magazine from UCAS arrived in the mail today, it's called "which way UK". It's alright I guess, I've got a lot to read through though. Only 3 weeks until results are published. I want to get it all done and over with.. today's posts is just this:

ten things ive accomplished/done this year;
  1. I finished my A2 & AS levels.

  2. I helped collect money for the AIDS/HIV Brunei council.

  3. I did the Citibank triatholon with the guys.

  4. I fell in love.

  5. Everyone's telling me I've lost weight, whereas the truth is I've gained 6kg since January. Then again, my clothes are now slightly bigger. I thought I stretched them too much.. Humm, maybe I did lose weight? I don't know.

  6. I didn't attend my final celebration of achievement evening at ICC.

  7. I've recreated most of my friendships with my old friends and cut the ties off the ones I no longer think belong/click with me.

  8. I developed a huge interest in photography, and I have j. to thank for that for being the inspiration of it and sparking my interest for it.

  9. I cut my hair short and dyed it darkest brown/black.

  10. I haven't bought any new shoes this year, so I'm damn proud of that.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Quick update

I bought a new laptop last week which I still haven't broken in. It's the same one I bought a couple of months ago that I gave to my sister.. so I'm expecting no fights :P Mmm.. The notron (sp?) Anti virus was installed wrongly so I'm gonna take it back to the shop and demand for a new mouse. lol. Bought a new webcam for the lappy too, haven't thought of a name to give it yet.. But a name I've mentioned before might suit it. But the number 14 doesn't suit it well. I might reconsider that.

I went out with yazie and hazie a lot this month.. 4 times is a lot okay. We've gone cycling, swimming, to the beach, to Gadong. I've had sushi with yazie. He's leaving this weekend. Going back to Perth.
Click for full view


Qi and Jit have already left for Brisbane. I did send them off, I didn't cry this time because I don't know. I guess I got used to them leaving. I've come to a realisation that out of five of us (myself, Aimi, aQilah, Lina and Yazid), I'll be the only one who's going to be in Europe. The rest of them will be heading down to Australia to continue their studies soon/eventually. sw33t. bl3h. I'm okay with it because I've always wanted to go to UK to study. I'll be alright. lol. I'll make friends......... I hope.

Well, the guys have played four matches at MD. We've lost all four by a few points. I'm not blaming the guys because I know they've tried their best and haven't had training for godknows how long. :) On the other news, our last match would be today against MS. I'm not hoping for anything, I'm just praying that if we do lose, we don't lose too badly. I've got the urge to bitch about some people who pissed me off yesterday when the guys lost against SAS. I won't because they don't know what's really going on and if they're so much better than us then why the hell are you the ones not playing?

There's just a couple more weeks until the A level results are published. I'm as nervous as hell, but I don't really want to think about it although my future prospects urge me to do so. Those thoughts will have to wait another week before I get around to it. I am honestly anxious about my results, and they're depressing me.. Hence the reasons why I don't want to think about it. I did try my best, but maybe the best just isn't good enough.

I went out the other night and surprised someone when I wanted to order coke. Haha. I haven't had my own carbonated soda for a while, most of the time I'd just sip whatever soda he has in his cup to soothe my nerves. Antah. I've been eating salads with dressings, I ate hot spicy food (which we discovered I'm allergic to), I've tried cakoi with durian paste (and I hate the smell of durian..). Yes, like dreamer says.. "It's called boyfriend". Hahahaha jeebus (omg), you make it sound like a disease!!!!

I'm trying to keep busy this whole week so I can put my personal thoughts out of my mind. I went out on Monday, playing basketball with the girls at RBRC. That was fun :) I even went to my cousin's house to check up on the little kids.. My god, how they've grown. I haven't seen them for almost 6 months. After that went to Najib's surprise party. The look on his face was just shocking. Hahaha. "what are you guys doing here?" lol. I sat in between Faye and Iggy. I ate .. and ate.. and ate.. yup. I feel like a hippo.


You know sometimes there are those quotes like, "I just called to say I love you" and etc. They're never really suppose to happen, right? Like, a guy just calls the girlfriend and says, "hey, I just called to say I love you". Usually, he'll like say that and continue on talking about something else. Weirdly enough, that just happened to me. "I'm calling to say I love you. Okay, that's all, I'm going back to work. Bye". Yes, leave me speechless why don't you. pft.

I got treated ice cream + salad + hot chocolate by SoFknWhat yesterday. Met up with dreamer, xeno and abyss. After eating, we dispersed. XENO HAS A NEW SKATEBOARD. nyah. I always wanted to learn to skateboard. hehehe I guess I'm just going to have to stick to inlines until I do.

Originally, I had some thoughts in mind to vent out.. but I ended up rambling.
Oh well.. maybe next time.

love,
yasmin.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Finding me.

Where do you go about when you find yourself lost? What can you do? Sigh. I find myself trying to keep busy every day.. doing things or at least attempting to do them wholeheartedly. Then again, I wish to ask.. why do people do things when their heart isn't in it?

I hate how I'm feeling right now, how I wish it would disappear. Then again, I suppose it's a natural thing to feel. Kasey Chamber's music is depressing me.. the questions in her music fills my thoughts and I wish I could come out and ask them straight out. I feel unworthy. I am not worth my weight.

I managed to get a lot of things off my mind for the past few days, like my worries about school, my past exams, results, friendship, companionship, etc.. I feel somewhat trapped and suffering but I don't want to show that.. sigh. I spent today mostly in the kitchen. I baked cookies, brownies.. and even made some lasagna for my sister and Tinytiny. I didn't spend today in front of the pc. I found out at the last minute that my girlfriends were coming over but I didn't mind that because I've been expecting them to come over since Sunday, and today is .. oh glorification.. Wednesday.

You know those people who go away to find themselves? I want to do that. I want to be able to define myself as a person. I want to see what I actually want to see, and wish to see. I want to meet someone who adores me (that might be a little off topic). I suppose being 18 means I don't know the world yet and I'm still growing. I'm young.. god, how I've heard that repeatedly. That I'm still learning.. Maybe I'm filling up my brain with thoughts that are too advance for myself. I'm drowning in my own thoughts.

I feel disorientated. I'm full of emotion. I want to be stubborn but at the same time I want to cry. I hate these feelings that I wish I could be as numb as I once was, or as one of my best friends is. unmerciful and unfeeling. But what can you see in my eyes but pain and sadness? You'd love to see that smile wouldn't you darling? The way I used to smile when I didn't cry or was it really times when I didn't want you to see my unhappiness? It's not like you notice anyway. You're too caught up in your own world, catching yourself before you fall and letting me collapse on to the ground on my own. Why can't you see that I'm sad? You've convinced yourself that I'm content and unravelling. You've left yourself delirious in your own mind.

I wish I could define myself by saying something easily like "hi, I'm yasmin.. and I'm a workaholic". Or like.. "I'm yasmin.. I suffer from depression". I tend to change my mind a lot because I think too much. Sometimes I want people to say that I'm just deliriously happy. Who the fuck believes that shit? I can be happy at times. Give me enough sugar and I'll be happy. I'll bounce around like a mad woman. I guess I do have my moments and the only time I do blog is when I get depressed and need an outlet to get rid of these negative emotions. Whats funny is that most of what I've typed never really get posted until I absentmindedly click on "post & publish". Half the time I re-read my entries and delete them because they're actually too personal and not for the world to see. BUT then again, whats the point in having a blog if you don't want people to read it?

Yes, I do want people to read my site. I do think too much, and when I'm not thinking about time and matter.. That's when I actually don't have time to gather my depressive and pessimistic thoughts. Those are probably times when I'm happy.. content.. I blog when I have too much time in my hands, and this is what you're seeing. I have too much time in my hands that I'm gathering my submissive thoughts, my idle hands are finally typing away..

yasmin.
xx

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Secrets Of Me :D


hehe. COMMENT PLEASE. I love you all~
mwaaaaah.

love,
yasmin.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

icky icky blah

playing: Mariah Carey - We Belong Together
Can love really be so casual? haha. I wonder how it is to fall in love with the best friend you've had since childhood.. or being in love with the closest someone you've ever had? Isn't it weird, being in love with your best friend who's seen you in your pajamas, your ugliest t-shirt.. lol. Omg, what am I saying? That would probably be the best. In a relationship, that signifinant other is probably the closest person you could ever have as a best friend.

My Adobe photoshop has been opened since yesterday. lol, thanks to Syaf and some other critiques who cannot be linked :rolls eyes:, I'm working on an image I submitted the other day and it's not looking too good =( It's annoying me. I can't seem to make it look good. blah~ I'll probably give up and just tell everyone to leave it be because I made it XP and I like it. hrhrhr liatlah, kalau nda malas.

Anyway, I went to school today for a malay class session. I'm brushing up on my malay so that I can actually speak it properly and formally.. I speak standard malay at home, but its still a rojak mix.. I had a nice day, showed my drawings around. I made a drawing of a girl I don't even know using charcoal. I didn't like her eye brows so I'm probably not going to show anyone else that particular drawing. I've been meaning to learn how to oil paint, mum's going to buy me some art supplies soon. Nyah. Speaking of buying, my sister just bought a drum set. She's been banging in the middle of night.. sigh, noise endurement.

Jit's back, the only person out of my best people list that hasn't come back is Yazid Yasmin. Peh. =( He's bringing me chocolate chips.. haha or so I told him to. I want to bake some cookies for *cough* dreamer and uh..whoeevergetstheirgrubbyhandsonthem. I think I'm jobless. I lost my train of thought after the first paragraph because I didn't want to end up insulting anyone or building up anyone's relationship ego because they're probably going wrong at the moment anyway.

Okay. I'm done. haha. I'd write more, but I want to go to sleep. Will edit or post a new one soon.

love,
yasmin.
xx

edited; lol. Sorry syaf. fixed it xx

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Take a backseat.

You can't take life just sitting way back, relaxing. Though sometimes you wish you could. Wouldn't it be dandy if things just followed through as they were suppose to? But nothing really happens until you make it happen, someone or something has to take the first step. Well, I can't make myself go to sleep weirdly enough. It's hours past my usual sleeping time, I guess I've messed up my sleeping patterns yet again, thanks to the exams.

So, its all over. How do I feel? To be quite honest, I don't really know. I guess there is some part of me that feels disappointed that this chapter of my life is finally coming to an end and will eventually be closed. I feel scared to move on, let alone let go of what I have and have had. It's like a flood of emotions. Part of me wants to jump for joy because the worst is finally over, all the crying, studying, ego and confidence being beaten by a sledge hammer.. all that, it's over. Sigh.

It's just depressing. I don't really want to think about it but sometimes it's unavoidable. Other things that are giving me a headache would be my university choices, that's another thing I was suppose to think about. I wish I didn't have to, but I don't think I can stand staying here another year doing nothing anyway. It'll just end up rotting my brain. I know I'll end up in UK, the next question is, which part.. and what course. Sure, I've got my offers. Heh. They're all lovely mind you, the only place I don't really want to go to is Manchester. So I've got four universities to choose from. Nyah. On a happier note; I'm really glad I started reading books again, because I was begining to feel somewhat misguided and uncreative. The books I've read over the past two months have helped me work out my imagination and creativity.. most of all, they've helped me seek out emotions and think of new things and ideas.

For now, all I can do is pray for the best.. and just try not to cry. I guess I'm going to kill time by taking more photos of things around me (like the mysterious bed. pft), or try and spend as much time as I can with the darlings that are coming back. I'm going to watch the md basketball tourney since I'm not playing, maybe root for the guys that are playing. Start my driving lessons. Convince my mom that I don't need new bakery skills. Sigh. Who knows? Maybe I'll make new friends.

love,
yasmin.

replies;
mon: *hug* gluck darls! hope you kick ass.
syaf: yeah I know. Its weird, like.. you wanna be happy but something's missing. It's not exactly sad, it's just a gap or a hole that's no longer filled.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Site

unangelic.org's main purpose is just for me to rant out my feelings, my daily happennings (or weekly, fortnightly, monthly...) since I love expressing myself. My mum bought the domain for me at the end of 2000/early 2001 and it's been up and running since. Six years? Nice one.

The name unangelic was just a nickname from mIRC that I made up to be 'me'. I started using it a few months after I discovered the internet, and it stuck. It stuck so badly that it's now part of what describes me and who I am. I am unangelic.

The domain was bought from hostonce. They gave me a really good deal of unlimited everything.. so yeah, the offer doesn't exsist anymore so boo hoo to anyone else who didn't get a chance to take advantage of it.

/fall
I got inspired with the word fall while listening to Avril Lavigne's Fall to Pieces. The whole idea behind it is about a girl who's in love with a guy, and she doesn't want to talk about it or tell him for that matter.

~I don't want to FALL to pieces,
I just want to sit and STARE at you. I don't want to TALK about it.
I don't WANT a conversation, I just want to CRY in front of you.
I don't want to talk ABOUT it, because I'm in love with YOU~

The song reflects me in a way because it is basically about me.. Originally, I made /fall due to my major crush on this guy in school. I got over him a while ago because I realized I'd rather see him happy and just be his friend because I know he's in love with someone else. I just hope it works out for him. We're just friends now and talk often, and I'm not hoping that it'll go anymore than that.

I decided to keep /fall after getting over that crush because I know that in my life, I will have my up and downs. I will fall and eventually emerge back up.

swift memories of guilt & pleasure.

Tested out bloggar for the first time a couple of days ago, I've been messing around with the server. I've deleted /adonis, /bunny, /zowk and /diamonds so you won't be hearing *much* from them anymore. Anyways, I'm using bloggar now.. yup. I'm currently working on a version 6, which won't be published until July-ish because I'm tweaking it here and there. I'm basically done with the layout, it's the content that I'm vamping up and updating. blah blah blah.

Exams are almost over. I've only one left, I can't wait until they are actually done and over with. It'll be so much fun :D I hope so anyway. I finally went out with a different group of people yesterday, strangely enough it felt weird. It was the old gang y'know? but it just didn't feel the same. I guess things change, people change. I have a date with some girlfriends this saturday afternoon, along with ranziboobs :) This should be interesting since we haven't hung out in ages.. It's been a while.

Like I said, people change. About 8 years ago, I wore glasses that were oval. Today, my glasses are somwhat rectangular shaped and their degrees have jumped by 4.50 on each eye. You see, I started with 1.00L and 0.75R. Heh. Yes, a 450% jump on my left and a 600% jump on the right. Sweet. About 7 years ago, I used to wear a tudong to school. Today, I wear a tudong on private functions. About 6 years ago, I had red/orange short hair. Today, I have brown hair, that's past my shoulders. About 5 years ago, I cut my hair shorter than you'd normally see on a girl. I had a boy cut =P About 4 years ago, I learnt to wear contacts on a daily basis. About 4 years ago, I had my hair rebonded. About 3 years ago, I grew a higher interest in sports. Sigh, now..

I might be becoming a hermit or something. It's more like 'anti-social' drama all over again. It's not enjoyable of course, I'm hostile and most of the time I wish to be left alone from people I barely know or have taken myself away form. Basically, I just prefer to be left alone. Then again, that would be a bad thing because when I'm left alone I tend to think of a lot of things; like how I'm going to die, how I'm going to live my life in the next ten years, what the hell is going to happen to me if my A level grades suck, what I'm going to do in ten years time, where will I be in ten years time, will I live in ten years time?Yes, the normal thoughts of an eighteen year old. What were you doing when you were eighteen? =) Band practice, sharing jokes with friends. Me? I don't really have that anymore. The guys I used to hang out with have left Brunei and are in Australia or I'm just sick of them and they're probably sick of me. Friends? Ha. I don't really feel that have any close friends anymore. I blame myself for that, though if anyone else is willing to take the blame be my guest so I can feel slightly better.

I need friends. mygod. =( I need you and you back. I don't want to throw it away again..I wish I could kill the pain I feel whenever I wish things were different. It's a feeling I wish I never experienced and sometimes I cry and pray that things would become better. Over time, I guess people learn through mistakes. Though, when you think about it when mistakes happen, things can never go back to the way it was again. I think we've tried, dozens of times.. it just feels weird. It's either pretending or just forcing yourself to be someone you're not.. or in other words, someone you once were. I wish I could live life without regrets, but it's hard to say that. I want to say that more than anything, but that's just lying. I live in comfort with what I have now because I've found what I've been looking for (those who receieved my email know this..) in the man I love, and I am without a doubt happy. Life takes you through different paths, but you're never sure of which road to take unless you try it out. Open another door and close the other. I have to learn to accept that eventually. No matter what the costs are. Friends are suppose to be for keeps, although we're no longer close as we once were, it doesn't mean anyone has the right to bitch about them, bring them down etc. I won't do that, no matter how much hurt I've felt. I just hope everyone else is doing the same.

So, the last exam is tomorrow. I'm estatic, but at the same time I'm freaked out of my skin because its Unit 6 business studies. My worse topic: external influences. sigh. I guess for now I can just pray, pray and pray for the best and hope that those two years of studying A2/AS levels didn't go down to the drain and an amount of $48k++ has not be wasted on me.

Guess I'm done ranting.

From these moments:

Year 2003

Silly moments
rachael's birthday at coffeezone, kiulap.


Year 2004

on adeline's birthday at her house || rachael and I at JP


This would be the last group photo I have other than randy's last day at the airport (which I don't have);

Year 2005



Yup, now I'm that girl sitting and eating chocolate fudge cake at solitude.

love,
yasmin.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Pretense.

I've done nine exams last week alone, and I've got two papers to sit for this week and my last paper is in the week after. So far the papers have been less than cruel. They haven't been excruciatingly difficult since I'm still able to answer the questions in a slightly confident manner. I just hope the examiners are nice and decide to award grades for every good thing they see. *fingers crossed* The physics papers I sat for weren't that bad. They were quite good actually, I hope I did well enough to boost my grade up to at least a C. I'd be happy. My Accounting exams are over, I've only Maths (pure 3) and two business papers to sit in the upcoming two weeks. Thank goodness. Then it's making time for myself and changing my look. hrhr.

I posted on my LJ the other day about how I think how we (the young people) make things around us become so over rated when they really don't need to be. Personally, I know how I've made mountains out of mole hills that shouldn't even have been built. Is it that we're the ones who make ourselves depressed or is it all in our head? What's up with that anyway?

You would think now that I've turned eighteen, maybe I've grown up more. Maybe I've began to understand what's actually going on around me. I know I've grown up more, I know I've begun to understand. Where do I really belong? I don't place myself with my ‘sisters’; I don't place myself with my 'brothers'. Where do I belong? God forbid me imagining myself belonging once again to the cliques I used to float around in. I just don't belong anymore.

I want to, but would that really make me happy? I recall a time when I tried to 'fit in' just as I once did, all I ended up doing was pretending. Pretending to be someone I'm not. Pretending to enjoy something everyone else did. Why do we do that anyway?

I don't think many people know this, but I used to practice my smile in front of the mirror so no one would see my frown. After a while, I got sick of pretending. That's when all the kids in school would just see that grumpy frown I'd have in the morning, I try to smile but it just didn't look real anymore. How do you know if you're suffering depression anyway? How bad does it have to be to start seeing doctors? How SAD do you have to be to get help?

THEN there was a time when I started cutting myself. It was the whole cutter, knife blade and wrist thing. The Irony? I cut myself to kill the pain. Ha. Truest thing I've ever read on post secrets. What was my explanation for going through that? There's a difference between feeling pain physically and mentally. When it's in your head, you don't feel anything.. yet something's killing you at the same time, but you don't feel the pain. The cut is an outlet for the pain to come out from the 'heart'. Do you understand that? I stopped when my friends' found out. One of my friends' hit my wrist with his fingers and I swear they hurt like crazy when you've only cut yourself the night before.

It's true when they say if you know a friend who talks about doing (or even slightly considering) suicide, they need help. They really do. They need someone to talk to, just like I needed someone to talk to. I'm glad I had that particular friend. I'm glad he was there for me to talk to, and get through it all. I'm glad she was there to hug me and help me cope, even though I've got friends who see it as stupid, but they wouldn't know until they go through it themselves. Sigh. Like when there was a case when a girl passed away in school, I just cried and cried. That hit me really hard because it COULD HAVE been me. You know what hurt even more? Sigh. When words just cannot come out to tell that person how much you feel and all they can say is how dumb the situation is. I can't forget that.

I still have these thin lines of scars on my wrist, they're fading though. I know reasons why they got there, and only a few people know why. I keep saying that life is a learning experience, it really is. We need to learn from it. I know I did. I'm better now, and life isn't so bad. I still pretend to smile though, but I'm working on it. I know that there are some days when my smiles are sincere, even though I'd wish they weren't. I'm not meant to be depressed any more. I'm building a life with the people I love, and it is getting better.

love,
yasmin.

Monday, May 30, 2005

version 5.

I made a new layout last night, though I've been working on different versions of it for over a month now. I finally settled with this one because well, I just cannot be bothered to think of other ways of placing the blog XP The layout is under trial and has plenty of errors which will be fixed over the next few days. I made it with someone in mind, I hope that person knows I'm talking about them. But if they don't it's okay, no worries mate! =)

As of today, my exam will be just one week away. So people, I'm out for a while. I'll be back soon. =) wish me luck for my exams!

with love,
yasmin.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

It's finally over.

Sixth form has gone by, I kinda wished that I cried yesterday but I didn't because it hasn't hit me that I'm no longer part of the school which has seen me grown for almost a quarter of my life (i.e. I mean, 5 years). It's hard to believe, considering the number of teachers and students that I've seen come and go over those years, that I'm now part of that enourmous group that's left Jerudong International School. After the exams are over, my best friend will be leaving for Australia although our initial plan was to go to UK and maybe end up living together, or at least be close by so we could visit one another over the weekends. Wishful thinking I suppose. Two of my other best friends are already down in Australia doing arts and information tech, while another one is up in Switzerland doing a sort of management degree.

Exams will be in just over a week from tomorrow, I can't wait because it'll mean all the skills and knowledge I've learnt over the two years will be fused on to a sheet of paper which will show my final A level grades in August. Isn't that just dandy? A 2 month wait from June. The suspense will kill me, and I want to see good results. I want to achieve the best I can be on that sheet of paper.

I remember crying when I realized that my best friend and I will be going seperate ways, to move on with our lives after four years of being by each others side. Every day in school, we would be eating our egg sandwiches at break (without veggies of course), along with a can of ice lemon tea or a bottle of water. It isn't exactly routine to me of course, it's just something that happens naturally. We are almost opposites although we do have a lot in common through our love for sports like basketball and netball, and thirst for mathematics.

It'll be her 19th birthday tomorrow. And it's only 2 hours away from now.

Happy birthday Aimi!
=) I hope you like the presents I got you. I have a lot more to say, but I'm going to save that for your birthday card.

I love you mehamehaambu......... heh ;)


love,
yasmin.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

A picture worth a thousand words.


yea I know, the photo's so big that it overlaps the whole side bar.. hehee =)
I'll post when I have time.



love,
yas.

edited: click to see a larger view XP

Monday, May 23, 2005

death and rebirth of hostees.

I think I'm going to kick some hostee ass in the next few months. /adonis is gone now, along with . Talked to Meenur abt his site, and he's not going to update it and it hasn't been updated since forever anyway.

/underaged is a different story because he says I deleted his site. Mmm.. well, you can't access it at the moment. God knows where his index page went. I need to talk to you soon titz, please e-mail me what the problem is and I'll sort it out a.s.a.p. because you're giving me a headache. thank you <3 align="justify">rebirth. ha.

So anyway, I'm waiting for /diamonds to come back up because mzdebugz hasn't told me anything about closing/disappearing/suddenly appearing back again. hehe babe, email me please when your exams finish because I don't seem to have time to talk online nowadays :S

/dumplings will be up soon as part of Alisa's late birthday present. Geez, I'm slow.

Oh and new hostee: /orange. *kiss* say hello to Justin from Tazmania, Australia.

/stupidlogic is still on my *special* list because he's a doll and he keeps me updated with everything going on so I have no problem with him *heart*

I have no problem with /nayt because I live with her, and besides, her posts actually mean something and isn't random babling, thus the reason why her website is a must read.

I gotta love /rachy as she is still updated regularly though I don't talk to rach as much as I used to. =)

My darling, /exotic,updates maybe once every few weeks? can't blame her because of exam stress. I hope she'll update more when her exams finish.

/fwap bought a redirecting domain to her site.. hehe =) I know she's still working on improving fwap with her fwapping skills. No worries about that since the air is cleared. talked, and we're cool because I know what's going on. *mwah

/8teen is okay. but I find your layout scary =P because I'm afraid of horror movies.

/diya is on password protected. if anyone wants a pass, you'll have to find a way to contact her. not me. because I've put her in charge of her own password and access alllowance. love you darls

/shorty-bn has disappeared. hm. probably due to work. must stalk her at centerpoint soon.

Any other hostees; those I might have forgotten to mention; those who wish to remain hidden; those who have disappeared/have problems with their logins, plugins, life.. etc. Talk to me please because I need to know your status.

yup. okay. thanks.

that's all from me, until my next update.
love,
yasmin.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

sucked out.

I think the only time I come around to posting is when I feel like whining. I suppose not whining is a good thing, because it means I don't have anything or much to complain about other than the damn heat we're having in Brunei thanks to the people who are burning forests in Miri and those stupid people who don't understand that the new Government rules have bloody banned open burning in Brunei. Dumb dumb dumb!!!!

I just drank like 3 cups of green tea. I'm going for my fourth and fifth one very soon. Y'know, the only time I drink excessive amounts of tea (may it be green tea, english breakfast tea or just plain ceylon tea) is when I'm upset. I'm damn well upset. I just ate half a packet of malteasers, which taste too sweet to me =( and it's suppose to be my favourite junk food. I've run out of ALL my nachos (probably because my sister has eaten them up), and I'm not in the mood for Jacob's crackers. *sigh*

In short, today practically sucked. Other than getting up only to find out that there is no frigging water in my room, and to find out that the water down stairs is freezing cold and they're only dripplets, I managed school fine. I had an accounting paper 4 mock exam which was bullocks because oh I don't know. The funny thing is that everything that came out was stuff I was good at, so why the hell did my mind go blank? Don't you just hate it when that happens? I guess I did manage to scrape up whatever thoughts or ideas I had in my head and just answered the questions.

I want to get school done and over with. I'm driving myself nuts because I can't make myself happy any more because of exam pressure and the expectancy for me to do well. I am not well. Everyone is making me SICK. STOP it. Leave me alone. PLEASE? I don't need any more remindings. I don't need you to push me. I know where the hell I'm leading, but right now I'm being pushed into hell.

xx,
yasmin.

Monday, May 09, 2005

links

hosted
adeline; abang jus; rachy; nayt; stupidlogic;
and I love them all :-)

others
byutiful; matriXadi; Bondy; Moanna; j.; Peanut; Hazie; Poser; Livie; Jo; Rano; Faten; Mimi; Blanca; Emily; Kyris; Syaf; ches; xianfu; michelle w; nicole; len; AZI; zeechan; Ummi; 192 COUNTRIES; saifol; memoirs of a poklen

my stuff
http://unangelic.deviantart.com/
http://unangelix.livejournal.com/
http://www.friendster.com/profiles/unangelic
http://www.flickr.com/photos/unangelic/

wanna be linked? leave me a comment! =)

yasmin

updated on 25.01.2007:


My name's Yasmin Patera. I usually go by the name yas. I'm South-East Asian and was raised in a country called Brunei Darussalam. I'm the eldest of two siblings, so it's just my sister and I rocking our parents' world :) I'm turning twenty this year, and I have a boyfriend who won't let me forget it because he wants me to grow up, whatever that means.

I'm currently living in Loughborough, UK and studying my second year of my madness of a degree; BSc. Maths, Accounting & Financial Management at Loughborough University. I'd love it if more Bruneians came here and help me liven up the place more :-) We've reached a total of 30 people now, and I hope there are more to come. I am (since December) the unofficial president of Loughborough Brunei Society.. I hope for it to become official in a week and a half's time when elections come around.

I'm friendly and sociable in my own kind of way. I love sports; netball and basketball in particular.. but I'm flexible and I'm always up for new things as long as it doesn't involve too much pain. Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark and my imagination streches to places where it shouldn't go so I freak myself out very easily. There's always a demon lurkying around somewhere eh. I like staying indoors during Winter, taking long walks during Summer, and I don't like the rain very much. It looks depressing.

Unfortunately for me, I can only speak two languages: Malay (or Bahasa Melayu) and English with the first being my mother tongue. However, I do know a few words here and there of different languages (of which are too embarassing for me to admit so I'll keep quiet about them. lol). Physically, I'm normal built, 5"4 with a lot of spunk. I think glasses are too heavy to be worn all day so I usually stick with coloured contact lenses. Seriously, glasses do hurt if you wear them through out the day. Anyway, I'm left handed and I have relatively large hands.... and they scare me sometimes. I don't wear much make up, and when I do, they're normally from Benefit.

I have a favourite author; Jodi Picoult. I've got ten of her books so far and I'm hoping to build my collection. I don't have a favourite movie or anything like that.. but my all-time favourite actress would be Nicole Kidman, just because.

XX

Saturday, April 30, 2005

One month to go.

Exams start on the 6th of June. OH MY GOD. Just over a month to go. I just want to get them all done and over with. And to Hazie who I dearly love, the oral exam went pretty well thank you :) We talked about the books I've read recently i.e. Tuesdays with Morrie and the Five people you meet in Heaven. They're both written by the same author, Mitch Albom.. both books are reading materials that my two examinors have not read. har

I suppose I could say I'm not in the most idealistic moods right now. I feel like crying actually. One would be due to the irritation I'm feeling with the people who 'fixed' angel13 because they removed MS FrontPage. They pissed me off the week before because they removed Adobe Photoshop and Image ready (but I got that back). My latest discovery is the missing MS FrontPage from angel's system. bloody hell.

Another reason why I'm feeling this way would be that I want to cry, and just cry until there are no more tears that want to come out from my eyes. I have been holding in my need to cry for a while now, even with people saying things I wish they didn't, I am yet to just cry.

Three weeks today will be the Sixth Form Grad Ball. Nyeh to that. Sif.


Anyway. What has been happening? As I've mentioned, the non-stop mock exams we've been having have been stressing me out. I might just break down from the mass exam mood, and I wish I could just take the week off and sleep.

I'm suffering from stress symptoms I suppose. I wake up in the middle of the night, like clockwork. Either that, or I can't fall asleep til midnight. I have to be awake by 5:30A to get to school on time or suffer the consequences that teachers seem to threaten us with non-stop.

We've got tons of new school rules. I'm just thankful I only have four weeks of school left because if I had to endure another year of being there I'd just simply die. I'm not saying that it's a bad school or anything, but I think we're beginning to push ourselves into hell zone. Study time is maximized for students; other schools who are doing the same syllabus are on study leave. o.o I don't get what they're doing other than stretching a student's ability that can't be pulled any further.

Student individuality is pulled away, making everyone just clones of one another. I'm sick of it. Blah. Four weeks.I just think it's crazy. but that's my opinion. School is messing me up.

Now I really feel like crying.

Happy birthday 18th Rz.. =)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

deviantart.

I was browsing through deviantArt, I have a whole group of Bruneians in my Friends list. I did notice though, that most of them are into anime and those cartoon type of drawings. The photographers of Brunei I've found are kick ass, most of them anyway. I'd say I'm impressed, and very much happy to see this sudden shock of people being active with portraits, drawings with different types of art media from using the mouse and tablet to using just a plain pencil. :) I want a tablet @#$&!!!! *curses* I haven't updated my deviantart for a while now. Waiting for my pc to be fixed :S

angel13 isn't working again, and all I've done so far is just whine about it. Exams are just around the corner and I finished making the posters for the sixth form graduation ball :) but there's still a bit of editing needed as the ball commitee haven't implimented it for improvements.

I have my english O level oral exam this Monday. I didn't take it back in Year 11, so I just thought I'd try it out.. hehe :) I just want my exams to get done and over with. I want to whine about my exams, but then it's not like they're going to change my schedule just for me right? :P though, I'm quite positive that no one in Brunei is doing the subject course line as I am in A levels.. haha I doubt very much that there's anyone doing Accounting, Business and Maths plus AS physics :P haiz.

I might be posting just for the sake of posting. So I'll end it here.

love,
yas.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

My day.

I went about the past three days with my hair tied up and lack of energy. It's really hard to believe that school's actually started and in less than eight weeks I'll be a Jerudong International School graduate :) wheehee! My mock exams have started, I had one just yesterday and managed to get a grade A in my first Unit 5 Business mock :)

I have been studying and making full use of my study periods. I found a new book to read called Love Me by Garrison Keillor. The cover they sell in Brunei is available in Best Eastern, but it's a paperback in Redish Pink and there's one left @ $18.80. It's different compared to the books I've read since it's written by a guy through a guy perspective. It's better than If Andy Warhol Had a Girlfriend by Alison Pace. There's only one book left in Best Eastern if you want it and costs about $18.80, heh. Yes, Best Eastern tends to sell 2 books per title in every book store they have. So if you're lucky, you might just get the limited number of copies they sell. Pfft. I wore glasses the whole of today except during PE.. we had netball and I signed up for football this term. It's about time I learnt a new sport to play. Who knows, I might even be good at it :P I'm probably meeting up with Pheng and Bong with Aimi this weekend for lunch which should be fun :)

Gmail is kicking ass with their new system and features. I've been fooling around with my digi a lot and my deviantart is being updated almost daily. I saw a huge spider this morning near the T block girls toilets.. I recorded it's movements for like 30 seconds because honestly? I wanted to catch it. Maybe next time.

Okay, this isn't really a think-about-life post.. so here's a cheer for a different type of post *YAY* Moving on away from that.. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who msged and said happy birthday to me on Tuesday :) I appreciate them so much because it made me feel happy that people remembered..though little hints gave it away.. but it's the thought that counts :)

I want to thank especially: Nayt, aQilah, Yazid, Aimi, Lina, 13, Ranz, tutor group!!!!!, Bubbles (;P), Feefee, Rano, Nizam, Koko Tom, Pheng, Adeline, Hazie, John S. Muneer, Livie, mona, Jo, Aisya, 277, Rahimah <3,Syai, Mayakins, Rachael, Wani, Wajdi, Tinaaaa 51, Jijoy, Azrul (especially you coz you made the crowd sing me happy birthday :D), Karimah, Titz, whoever's number lasts with 1121 cz I don't know who you are, Quan, Jason Lee, Zeer, Eddie, Mummy Una, Jizzy, Abang Ipen, Hafiz, Rz, Melon, Huda and a whole bunch of other people who just surprised me..hehe ESPECIALLY SHANNON :P (yes, that's a lot of plugs.. make sure you click on "new window" so you don't move away from this page.. haha)

Aimi brought in a cake during maths class to add to the cookies I brought to school. I wasn't expecting anything from anyone. She made my day, and made me full of creamy mud cake :P thanks mi :)

Ade and Rach baked me a chocolate cake... hehe :) I had a great night, it was my first time out at night on my birthday.. haha usually I'd be in bed by nine :P Yup, thank you everyone who made my 18th better than I thought it would be. Thank you so much.

so, much love..
yasmin.
xoxo

Monday, April 04, 2005

18 tomorrow..

I'm working on my AS Business Studies unit 3 case study because I'm re-sitting that paper due to a very bad grade. Sigh, exams are just over a month away. We've got 8 weeks of school left, and yes.. I just started school today and I'm already counting. I'm GRADUATING SIXTH FORM.

In my head, I'm doing cart-wheels.. but at the same time, I feel sad. I don't really want to leave school. University. Oh big woord.. Never mind university, not now anyway because:
Exams first = actual results = place in university.
Which university though? Sigh. Exams. Mocks are happening every week. Revision is already happening in accounting because we finished our syllabus back in February. I have to redo some exam papers and look over my mock paper. blah. We're still working our way through chapter 3 in Maths P3, but we've done ever other chapter except chapter 6. God.. Exams are so close. How are we going to revise Mechanics 2 in time? My. God. As for business studies, it's revision.. revision.. refresh your memory.. mocks every week. Unit 5, then unit 6.. unit 5 then unit 6.. blah....... we call it 'demotivating' because it boring and repeatative..

I got an offer to design the sixth form graduation ball (note: it's graduation ball, not your ball. it's the graduator's ball.. not yours). I'm pondering about on it. I wonder if I'll get paid *grins* Ah, that's not at the top of my list of worries anyway. My top worry is my P3 maths.. @#$%!!!!!

I turn 18 tomorrow, woop-tee-doo.. I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I just want to spend time with the person I love, go home.. and sleep. Another day will be over.. and oh, I'm 18 :) I want to drive a car. The weekend, I might just have a little party.. or not. I'll have to think about that. I don't want to feel obligated to invite people just because because.. I wish aQilah, Yazid and Lina were in Brunei though, then I'd really have to plan a party ;P I miss you guys :) mwah..

So, good night..

xx

Monday, March 28, 2005

Reunion.

I fell in love again last night, more so than ever. I went to my primary school reunion, it went great. I picked up one of my friends at the mall, and we went together because, honestly, I was nervous.

I felt edgy about seeing the people I haven't spoken to/seen/heard from for over six years. I felt scared once again renewing old friendships and hardships. Everyone must have gone down through memory lane last night. I even saw my first crush, but that was years ago.. And I cannot believe I still remember. The people missing were my oldest best friends, which sucked because I was looking forward in seeing them again. Unfortunately they couldn't make it so it's alright. I did however, got to sit with my old peers, the buddies I used to fool around with by the gym and did stupid dares with.

The reunion was great. Although I missed seeing Zunnur because he's in Australia, Filah who just didn't make it :( and Fadzillah.. I wanted to see her. Oh well. I met two guys who didn't register in my head, it was quite funny because they insisted that they were once my friends in primary. Almost everyone looks slightly different, most of them just looked like their older versions so you could never forget that cheeky grin or smile they have. Some others, changed completely from clothes to their physique. It's just great seeing old friends again.

p.s. those who didn't come, we wish you did :)

I went to Qudduus's birthday party earlier in the day. I didn't get too tanned because Shahyzul gave me sunblock. Haha. It was a great party, with bowling games, beach volleyball and a huge bouncer... I felt like a kid again, all jumpy and smiling. Thank you Q, for the great day. And HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY! :D I hope you like your birthday present.

There's still a week of holidays left although the government school students have begun their classes today. Pft. Have fun Syai & Jo.. I'll be thinking of you while I park my bum in front of my PC...... hahaha nadalah. To be honest, I want school to start. Because, if it did.. I'd probably start working my ass off and catch up with whatever the hell it was I've missed in my studies due to hospital visits and feeling ill.

I think over the past month I have gotten healthier. I managed to snag a tan while I was in KL because of the athletics. We were made to sit in the blazing hot sun and me forgetting to buy/bring sunblock. The tan made me look like I'm not dying from a sickness as I did when I became pale (due to avoiding the sun and very good moisturizing sunblock ;P). I lost the eyes that look like I'm about to just breakdown crying. Thank god for that because I've been associated with 'the person who looks like she's going to burst'.

Replies;
aeny: hehe corny cheer up lines don't cheer me up..They do make me smile though. Thanks Aeny :D I guess as you grow up, you learn things through living it. That's what I want to do. :)

wans: I hope you get your grades. Who knows, we might end up together.. Yet again XP

Livie: Learning to pull away from the hype helped me a lot.. or else I'd probably be just another zombie laid back in Gadong. Haha. It's all a learning process, you don't really know what's what until you've been through it. I guess I'm trying to see what I really didn't want to see..haha thanks :D

Faten: Getting into a uni with your actual grades is like a confirmed conditional entry because, well.. You've got the grades. haha I'm going to die of curiosity with my grade outcome. hahaha

Monday, March 21, 2005

You can't clap with one hand.

A whole bunch of my hostees are either 1) missing or 2) can't be shit bothered to post. I'm not mean, I can tell you that. But I have my limits. It's either you pull out of uA.org or you just re-assure me that you'll be back up and running soon i.e. I don't mean 6 months from now. Anyway, enough of that. I'm at home right now, did a lot of thinking yesterday when I was in my room. I didn't really think that much when I was in my upstairs bedroom, but sitting in the downstairs room brought in a lot of thoughts.

I've got my doubts about people and doubts about myself. I'm not the person to say where I stand in the world because I probably stand in different places in different perspectives. I'm turning 18 soon, I'm looking forward to becoming that age.. Although I'm not looking forward to the day I turn 18. Does that even make sense? I'm looking forward to being 18, but I'm not looking forward to my birthday. I almost cried during dinner last night because my parents were asking me where I wanted to celebrate it this year. Haha. Thinking about birthday celebrations makes me think of my birthday last year. My friends gathered at our lunch table and brought in a cake, which was really nice of them. I appreciated that a lot, although I wish things were better last year. I remember waking up in the middle of the night on my birthday, crying. Ah, we'll just have to see what happens this year.

I was going to have a birthday party with just me and my close friends. Then again, I'm not so sure. I might just cancel the whole thing because I'd rather be alone this year, I mean.. that's what everyone's been trying to tell me right? I deserve to be alone. Thanks a lot.

I'm so sick of pretending to be okay. I went through the large part of last year just smiling without meaning it. I'm so sick of hearing, "be strong". Bump that, no one can stay strong for so long. The longer you hold it in, the bigger the crack of pain. I guess when I start thinking; I get more and more messed up than ever.

I sat down at dinner last night; memories just flowed in of last year. I suppose I could say that I am deeply disappointed in a number of people in my life, but I'd rather not point fingers. I live and grieve things that happen in the past although many would just say move on and forget. It's not exactly easy. It's just easier said than done. I appreciate people around me, I have reasons why my best friend and I have a very professional friendship and I don't blame others for questioning us. We barely even talk in public, and yet we remain as tight as ever. I can go on not seeing/talking to my best friends for over a month (e.g. like when they're abroad studying) and when we'd meet, it'd be like they were never gone. That's the type of friends I have and keep to last my lifetime. I'm happy with that. It's weird when you have close friends, and if you don't talk to them for about a week.. you have absolutely nothing in common or it feels like something is changed. I guess there are different types of friends. I tried, I have been trying.. There isn't a day when I don't think about how things are.. But luv, you can't clap with one hand. It won't work if the other party won't try and work it too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need things to meet half way, because I can't stretch that far. I have my limits. I've said that many times. I just wish I could sort things out. People change, I know because I have too.

Exams are coming soon. Right now I've narrowed down my university choices, and I've decided not to go to London anymore because the university isn't really offering the course I initially wanted.. I've got plenty of time to retract these thoughts, but for now.. I don't want to go to London. I'm working on improving my AS grades, so far I'm on abbbd. The university I'm aiming for wants AAB+b. My general studies qualification doesn't count because they don't recognize it as a subject, and if they did.. my life would be so much easier. I'm trying to improve on my physics paper (and I did by one grade :D), but I still need another 15 points to get at least a C, although I'm aiming for higher than that. My second choice university offered ABB (provided I get an A in math), which is good because I trust myself to get at least those grades. I just wish myself luck (wish me please).

[added]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion53%
Stability16%
Orderliness63%
Empathy23%
Interdependence56%
Intellectual70%
Mystical70%
Artistic76%
Religious90%
Hedonism10%
Materialism83%
Narcissism83%
Adventurousness50%
Work ethic90%
Self absorbed43%
Conflict seeking70%
Need to dominate70%
Romantic56%
Avoidant50%
Anti-authority63%
Wealth70%
Dependency50%
Change averse36%
Cautiousness70%
Individuality70%
Sexuality63%
Peter pan complex23%
Physical security83%
Food indulgent43%
Histrionic76%
Paranoia76%
Vanity90%
Hypersensitivity83%
Female cliche50%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

My trait snapshot: I am; neat freak, organized, worrying, phobic, fears the unknown, irritable, pessimistic, emotionally sensitive, fears chaos, risk averse, fragile, unadventurous, depressed, frequently second guesses self, likes to fit in, does not like to stand out, perfectionist, hard working, does not like to be alone, clingy, dependent, practical, ordinary, cautious, takes precautions, good at saving money, suspicious, heart over mind, busy, altruistic[/added]

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Holidays :D

School holidays are back again, for a nice two weeks :) The government schools get ten days holidays, we get sixteen days ;D I'm fooling around with the web cam now, I know I haven't updated on the real things I usually talk about for a while. I don't feel guilty, and I know that the only time I get to post is when I'm alone and lonely.

There are tons of things I wish I could just let out and say to the world. I love talking about how life is at the moment and what I've been doing to withstand any pain I might be facing. However, I can't. Ha. I've become more private over time and my life shouldn't be that publicized.

I'm not sure how much longer uA.org is going to be around, though I have grown quite attached to it because it makes up part of who I am. I'm hoping I'll keep it around long enough until I grow older and who knows, I might expand from just blogging. I've got a few projects lying around in angel13 collecting dust (haha, mirco-dust anyway).

The portal is expanding, and I'm very proud of it. Haha, although some people have broken links i.e. server down, but eh. I'm happy :) thank you to everyone who's on it.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

International Day

I bought a new Sony P150 7.2mpx digicam on Chinese new year as a gift from my mum. I've been going picture crazy (as I once did when I had a canon digicam), I've got tons of photos in my pc at the moment.. I've been working on (or trying to anyway) a new image gallery for uA.org, that should be the next project as soon as I can find time to actually sit down and work without worrying about my other projects.

Happy 18th birthday to Nabilah XP or Beelz.. or biLah.. or uhm.. hehehe mwah :D yarz loves beelz. hehe I hope you have a great one babe! =) I hope you got my sms, but I'm not sure if it's still your number. hahaha mwaaahhh

It's 11am in the morning, I just woke up. I had my hair done yesterday, and the past two days have been sort of hell for me. Friday was international day in school, where we got to dress up in national costumes. There were all sorts of people there and I took lots of photos (of me..haha). I dressed up in a black chongsam top with black pants (yes, I'm bad luck. haha) whereas Rach and Ade both dressed up in pink chongsams. Hrr.. I met up with Aimi by the locker Bays. Bong wore a Harry Potter costume by putting on this huge bath robe and stapling a 'Hogwarts' logo on it. Haha There were pirates, ninjas, musketeers, crocodiles..
Ninja girl; Sarah, Musketeer; Keren and the Pirate; Charlotte


It was a great day for everyone though we were made to stand under the hot sun at the junior games court on the other side of the school. The parade of nations was great because we got to learn where everyone was from.. I walked with the Brunei group.. and somehow managed to blend myself in the Malaysian parade. That was hilarious =P No, I'm not Malaysian.


from stupidlogic. =D mwaaaah


This is a wallpaper from fluky, the monkey is digits :) Click on the image to view it fully.

There's a showcase in school on Monday, I'm going with my sister and our friends to watch it. I hope it'll be good.


I was really annoyed with myself and everyone on Friday afternoon. I was suppose to have lunch with my friends.. but I did go play basketball at Sg. Akar which was fun though the usual guys weren't there.. I made two new friends though and they play funny. I don't know why, but I laughed so much because of the silly plays and things every one did :) I guess I was just trying to cheer myself up, and I did.. or thought I did anyway. It didn't really work but heck. I tried.

There was a football match in Jerudong, Aimi was playing so I came by to watch. Hafiz came and joined me, I learnt something new about him. Though I was on the verge of crying due to my annoyance towards life and other possibilities that can annoy me, I didn't. I took a nice long walk and talked to Fiz about how I was feeling. I'm hoping that I'm just going through a phase because another breakdown isn't something that would be healthy for me mentally.


I haven't been out with Adeline in ages. Busy? :\

Social pressure doesn't really do much for me, although I know I'm suppose to be careful with what I do and the things I say. I am, but heck.. why does everyone have to know what is or who it is I am. It's not anyone's business, is it really?


Okay, I'm not really done. But I have to go.

love,
yasmin.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Valentine's day photo/card.


I'll be back soon. Coursework is making me go crazy.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Believing in words..

In the middle of the word believe, there's 'lie'. If you're suppose to believe in something, could some part of what of your beliefs be lies? I'm a person who questions what I see, and who I believe in. Maybe it's being overly analytical, but the point is, I think and see. I hate knowing that there are people who talk about me behind my back, with lies coming out of their mouths. How can a person who I don't even know, let alone talk to, speak of such lies about me to their/my friends? Is it that the more the untruth is spoken of, the more believable it is?

Reflection is something I look forward in doing every weekend of a fortnight, where I just think back and reflect upon my life. I don't really need anyone to understand me or even know me 'that' well that they can predict my every move. I know I have moved away from that aspect in life, and have become some what 'different' from who I was back in 2001.

I'd like to think that I am, perhaps, stronger than what people think. I'll give myself credit for being able to withstand all the sharp pain being thrown at me. I still get jabs in my heart, do you know that painful feeling you receive, literately, in your heart when something feels so wrong that it hurts? I get that kind of pain in my chest, and it feels like it's located in my heart.

Is it normal to get migranes or torture-like headaches every day? I don't think so, and yet.. I'm experiencing it. I feel like falling down to the floor, or like the room is spinning. Sometimes it gets so bad like I'm the one who's spinning, just waiting to fall.

Valentine's day is coming up. I wonder how I'm going to experience it this year. I remember last year was terrible for me. I received a valentine's day card from Randy though, it was really sweet because he wrote me a long letter. I miss him. I wrote all my best friends a card that year, I wonder what's going to happen this year.. I just hope I won't end up coming home, and crying again. It hurts too much to think about the past, but who can help it?

Memories last forever and I'm not someone who can just forget.

Sigh :) Happy 16th birthday Alisa. I love you darling. xx

Friday, January 28, 2005

v3. /fall :)

Well, I finally published the layout I've been working on for a while. Although there are some things that might look messy/misplaces/not properly placed. I still haven't sent my pc to the shop because I've got a whole load of work here that is a little bit too precious for me to get rid off. It looks a little bad if you're browsing through Firefox (as it's my other option of exploring the internet other than netscape since my IE is in a very sad shape). I'll finish tweaking it by next week, hopefully. Other than that. Enjoy :) Just comment if I've left anything out, or something is missing, etc.

I had two study periods today (one before and after lunch), which was nice meaning that I finished all my lessons before noon. We're starting Mechanics 2 coursework next week, and it feels good to get back into the daily grind and watch the funny things that happen around school. I had fun today, because my lessons went by oddly quick and I think I accidently scraped my best friend's elbow on the table. Whoopsie.

I can't seem to get around to how I really want the site to look like, but I'll get there eventually. I wanted to publish this layout almost a month ago, but didn't really have the content/time for it. I must have spent about 5 days just tweaking alone. The manipulating of the images didn't really take long, except when it came to what colour scheme I wanted to use, what brushes were going to be in it and etc. Decision making is hell. :( Luckily for me, I got bored after a while of just trying to get the layout in the right places, I ended up making another layout. Yes, I already have v4 hidden in my closet. :)

My upstair's room is being given a new look, I'm going to get wallpaper, wall to wall carpeting up there. I haven't seen it yet, because I'd rather see it once it's all done in one go. I hope everything turns out right though :D I can't wait to see it.

I think I might be suffering from exhaustion. Since December came around, I've been spending a lot of time at Ayie's house playing basketball with his neighbours & my relatives. It's fun, because they make me laugh due to silly antics. I'm usually the only girl playing, and the guys play rough. I've got bruises in places I'll never see. I'm happy though, because this is the first time I've actually see my cousins every week (and even every day). I love spending time with them, and I do want to have that warm feeling, knowing that your cousins are the best of the best, because in the end, blood is thicker than water. I totally admire the people who have close ties with their cousins. I want that too. :) We're all watching Electra at the Mall tomorrow. YAY!

I want more people in my portal. Add yourself :)

It's late now. Good night!

p.s. Does anyone know where I can get the chocolate fugde pop tarts because they ran out at Utama Grand and Hua Ho? Thanks! :)