Fol and I are staying in Loughborough til the weekend, but we don't really know where we're spending Christmas and Boxing day. We're stuck. I want us to rent a car and drive down to London and spend time together. All he's been doing lately is cooking these honest-to-god delicious dishes that either I've never tried before or the food that I miss from back home. One thing I'm still waiting for is daging masak kicap. It's a simple dish I know, but I enjoy the idea of someone cooking it for me more compared to cooking for myself. :-) My housemates are out of the house, one will be returning later while another is probably still in London and the one I miss most is in Milan with her bestfriends.

I'm bumming around in the living/kitchen right now. If you really think about it (but you shouldn't....), the living room in my house is actually the dining area and my bedroom is actually the living room so it means this house is actually a two bedroom house with a small box room. But anyway, don't think about it if you've been here.. it's actually a nice cozy house. I'm not staying here during summer because if I do then I'd have to pay the full rent.. and I can't afford it because I could use the extra money to pay the rest of my rent for the year. Soo, during summer I suppose I'd either stay in London or go back home before the 1st of July and come back by September because that's when the full rent will start kicking in. Babe's sitting across me (and I bet he's blogging too) and the room is filled with rich food smells from his cooking. I think he's making roast chicken for dinner. Yum :-) I'm lucky, very very lucky. lol

The Loughborough Bruneians and I were in London over the weekend for the BSU Winter Games. We sent two teams, Lufbru A and Lufbru B. Unfortunately, team B didn't do very well but they were there for fun and I'm glad they did. The A team did pretty well but unfortunately they didn't make it into the quarter finals. I had fun with the guys and watching them play, I dragged Mustanir along with us to London and we ended up at Bayswater getting a Taza kebab each.

It's only 5 o'clock and it's already dark out. My studying hasn't made much progress so I think I bettter get started soon!

love,
yas.
xx

ps. no photos today! I didn't take very much :-(

Make that two lectures due to lots of cancelling. I saw the pair of boots I wanted, it's been marked down from £140 to £109. Though, I don't know if I want it so much any more. Fol and I were looking at them and he went all "are you suure these are the boots you wanted and not those funky coloured ones?" He was convinced that the boots I wanted were these colourful patch like boots by Timberland. Yes, those are nice too, but I can only afford to buy one pair and I'm still struggling with money right now. I've manage to put money aside for my trip to Milan and my rent money. I wish they'd take it out sooner instead of the day before Christmas, by then I'd probably be tempted to take it out and use it and spend spend spend. Damn you holidays, you make me want to shopuntil my hands drop. Growl.

I made Salmon during lunch for my housemates and I, and for some weird reason they decided to eat it with bread instead of cooking some rice..hehe Malas wah, but whatever, I think they enjoyed it, and then spent about half an hour trying to call a cab. Every taxi in Loughborough was busy from 3pm to 3:45pm, and I have no idea why. I mean, literately EVERY taxi. So I missed the train I intended to go on and went on a later train.

Christmas isn't far off. Am I excited? Yes because I'm exchanging presents with Souri this year and I'm determined to find her something pretty and useless because we were on a topic about how people always (and usually) buy others sensible gifts like the odd kicthen set or another bath towel, etcetra. I'm not even sure where Fol and I are spending Christmas since there are no train available on the day and the next, but I have a feeling we won't be spending it in Loughborough. He'd probably die of boredom. Haha!

Hao and I sitting on Yusri's lap, Syer and Fol

Mustanir paid the house a visit the other night, and that was nice of him considering he hasn't been spending much time with me. He stayed and watched Will and Grace with me and then drove me and Syer to tesco. That was the second night in a row that we went there. LOL but the night before we took a detour to McDonalds and had a late dinner. Masnur's last exam is today, she's probably going to be jumping up and down with joy once it's all over. lol.

My plans over this "vacation" is to study my ass off for subjects like Intermediate Financial Accounting, Probability theory and Managerial Economics. Those are the three out of five subjects I'm most worried about. So studying sessions must start on the first day of next week, but for now, I'm going to enjoy my early break and go Christmas shopping.

Love,
Yasmin.
xxoxoxxx
ps. POOP PEOPLE! start commenting :-P haiiyah

Yawn. It's 1130 at night, I've been to only one lecture this week.. and that was about a 'taste' of one of the third year modules, and tomorrow morning at 9am will be a continuation of it. I've written out most of my Christmas cards and I can't wait for the holidays to start so I can catch up on some sleep, regain my energy and actually try to make sense of all the things I've learnt from my modules during the 11-week duration that university life had taken over. I've been too busy to e-mail/IM/call any of my best friends, who at one point will eventually drop ME an e-mail to remind me that they are STILL my best friends, no matter what. I feel really really guilty about it, but not guilty enough to find time to sit down and write. They know by now that I won't be coming back for the December holidays and spend their summer holidays with them.. but the only worst thing I can think of is the idea of missing out on the things they're doing there, while I'm here. Boo.

Yas, Yus, Syer and Sek Hao on my lap. lol

Over the weekend, a group of friends and I (a group of 40+ is more like it) went to Cadbury world in Birmingham. On the same day, I managed to get my chocolate fix to last me the rest of the year and a couple of months after. It was a great day: we were given free chocolates, took funny photos and basically had a blast with one another. It had been eonks since Souri and I last went out together, and she was good fun. The boys and I went to SportsWorld and bought their 'jerseys' for this Saturday's BSU Winter Games in London. We didn't do much in Birmingham because there just wasn't enough time, but I did get to take some silly shots like jumping in the middle of band who were performing on the side walk, looking up the skirt of a statue. I'll post photos of those up on my flickr once Mustanir sends them to me.

With one of the Cadbury things :-P

Fol made a traditional 'Malay' lunch on Sunday, which was nice of him because I've been craving for something like chicken kurma or curry of some sort. He ended up making curry chicken that wasn't too spicey for me. But seriously, winter is starting to take its toll. I swear to god I eat like a mad woman these days, I just cannot stop eating. I'm always craving for something to eat, be it chicken soup, beef rendang or indomee. I just need to eat. People say its because it's getting colder and our body 'thinks' it needs food to keep warm, it probably does.. except I'm not doing anything to work off the excess calories I've been consuming.

I had a poster presentation on Wednesday with a group of friends for Management Accounting. I've never done a presentation before and everyone in the group insisted we wear something smart, business-like. SO, I ended up going to tesco with Yusri and buying a nice top there. That's just one more to add to my mass collection of tops. lol. The presentation went alright, we managed to answer questions thrown at us, and we were given positive feedback. Up to Week 4 of Semester 2, my group still has to meet up so we can type up our written report to send in to our lecturer as part of our final grade. Double modules are such a bitch. It gives you a longer time to study but it also gives you the same amount of time to mess up.

I'm running low on indomee and my ayam masak lemak packets :-(

love,
yasmin.
xxxoxoxx

Spent the weekend in Birmingham and went to the BBC GoodFood show at the NEC with Fol. There was the whole wine, beer and spirits tasting thing going on as well. BUT.. there were free samples all sorts of finger food. I loved the free chocolate samples :-D I filled up just by taking tiny bits and pieces from one stall to another. Fol and I saw Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsay and sat through Ainsley Harriott's show. NYAH. I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A FLUFFY SUFFLE NOW! lol.

It was a really relaxing weekend for me, it's been a while since I had time alone (if you can call it that) just for myself. Yeshu, I've had selfish thoughts lately but you can't blame me because I'm the kind of person who loves and cherishes her alone time :-P I finished the book I was reading (We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver), it took me a long two weeks to finish. It's a good book, it depressed me in some sense and I heard from someone that it's based on a true story.. but I'll have to look into that.

Fol took me out for dinner at this Chinese buffet restaurant called Wokmania when I arrived. It's been ages since I had chinese food, so it was interesting to see what it's like in a country where rice isn't their stable food. He and I talked a lot about our ideas of an ideal restaurant and how we'd make it work if we were to open one in Brunei. I don't think he and I have ever eaten out this much since we arrived in UK, but we ended up having on Friday night at Lazeez signature at Mailbox. The lamb shank was delicious.. and we ended up eating there again for lunch today except this time we tried the leg of lamb (not much difference is there? But seriously, there is). We decided on Italian for lunch at Caffe Uno, but that place took forever to serve my salmon carbonara. I think it was about an hour until they finally sent it to us, and that only happened after Fol asked them where my lunch was. tsk!

took photos of ducks... 8-)

There was this protest going on at the Wharf, so you could see all these boats filling up and the idea was to block the Wharf so other boats can't pass through. Pretty silly if you ask me. They were protesting over the water budget cuts and kept honking their honks (lol). It was really loud. And it didn't clear up until after lunch. You could see people going "stop budget cuts!" over and over.

I couldn't get a seat on the way back from Birmingham to Nuneaton, so I ended up sitting on my luggage and scribbling my coursework answers there.. until this old guy got up and offeredme his seat because he was getting off. Once I sat down, I realised the guy next to me was studying was well.. he had all his medicine book theory out and was scribbling away while the girl across me was blabbing away on her phone about "guess what I'm thinking about".. blegh. Every bloody train I got on over the weekend was 5 minutes delayed and UK is getting so so so cold.

Nyer. Babe bought me a new scarf today :-) It goes well with my KM coat. hee I'm planning to buy a pair of Timberland boots I saw in London so I'm waiting for allowance to come in. It's gonna cost £140 a pair. Fuh. I know it's a lot but they are seriously honestly nice boots. I promise. And they're gonna go well with my skinny jeans o:-)

so tomorrow's weather promises rain. i cant bloody wait.

autumn term is OVER in three weeks!!!!!!!

xxxxxxx

I tend to blog once every two weeks when I find the time. I know this, but it's only because I'm busy with whatever the hell it is I do here. It's 730am, I feel empty.

I've got two classes to attend and then one commitee meeting, one coursework group meeting, and I've a coursework to submit. Then, when I get home, I need to get started on my other coursework which is due in next Thursday.

I've got two extra lectures to attend next week because of cancellations over the past few weeks, and then I need to start printing out past year papers and start scribbling on them.

I know that exams are about two months away at the most, but I'm already thinking about it. I really want to do well this year just to prove that I'm not some bimbo who only knows to have fun. I find it annoying how some people still can't believe that I'm in university level. Getting a rep for partying a lot (when I didn't) doesn't help.

I don't really remember what my life was like, the things I do here are usually based on my own decisions. Sometimes I feel like I'm torturing myself. I let the same thing happen every week, but I can't control it. How can you torture someone you care so much about? I don't know how much anyone knows, but I think you can see just by looking.

I miss life with you.

Things are so different here. I reminisce too much. I don't like letting go. I keep things inside of me for as long as possible and hope that one day I can bury it far enough in my heart. Burn or blow up, whichever comes first. I can't let go. I don't want to let go.

nyah.
-yas

In the last post, I said that the Bruneians were making a Brunei Loughborough society. So, guess who got elected as president? :-) I wasn't really there when they announced who got what because I was on the other side of the room at another meeting with the Malaysia Soc. In case some people don't know why I'm there, I'm the treasurer for that society. lol. So I made my speech, threw in a few things about me being netball captain, green house rep and all that. I meant them. So right now, we're under process of waiting for approval from the Students Union.

We're sending two Loughborough football teams to compete in the Brunei Student Union (BSU) games in December, that should be a blast. They might have netball as well, but December's such a cold month.. I wouldn't mind playing provided we're indoors, but either way.. I think I'd still like to play hehe :-)

in London with fol

oh god, I can't believe I spent the weekend in London and I didn't buy anything! The whole weekend felt rushed, my housemates and I were only suppose to stay until Saturday night but we ended up postponing it to early Sunday morning insead. Masnur, fol and I had dinner at PingPong in Bayswater with some friends, I was craving dimsum in Loughborough and kept raving about the place and I managed to convince Mas to go teehehe :-D Walked down Bond Street but I didn't go in to any shops there :-( Nyah. fol even convinced me that LV wouldn't let me in because I had ripped jeans. That's a lie right? $-(

I'm having a hard time managing my finances. Sometimes I wonder where all my money goes.. I think I've spent more this term than any of the past terms combined. Most of my allowance next month is going to my rent and since I've already bought a ticket to Milan (OMG IM GOING TO MILAN), I guess I'd have to really budget this month and next. In other words, just try and not shop very much (lol, ya riiigghht) when I'm there. Then I have to start saving up for the rent payment in March. I wish the goverment would sponsor rent ontop of the allowance they give us. But yeah, that's just living on the cream of luxuries. I've a nice house right now and I'm not planning to move out next year. I'm gonna park my bum here and hope that summer rent isn't going to kill me.

Bruneians on the left, Malaysians on the right and Mustanir in front! Oops, I'm in the wrong area o:-)

The Malaysian Nottingham Games were fantastic, the Malaysia soc sent down teams for netball, football, scrabble and badminton. I played netball and refereed some games, we came third/fourth over all, tres awesome. :-) Mus took a couple of nice shots of me. heeehe. I miss playing in Brunei though but I can't wait til BruNott games, that ought to be something to look forward to for next year :-) I'll be playing for DangGanazzz v5. YAYNESS!

In-class tests are finally over for me :-) They started on Friday and only finished today. I think I did pretty okay but I'm determined to do well this January. I'm hoping for a new camera if I get at least three 1:1's out of my six modules.. but we'll see. I haven't really discussed this with my mum. nyer.

Im in uni with my coursework group, feeling really sick. Our project is due in 4 weeks.. Lol not that we're getting anywhere right now. Topic atm is wat 2 put in our questionaire. Im exhausted..

The bruneians r making a society this afternoon. Ive been nominated to be the prez, but votes will be counted later so wish me luck. I'm having a hard time just trying to keep my eyes open lol

Yas xx

Im on the train now with hao, fol, syer and shu vun on the way back to loughborough.

We competed in the Malaysian Nottingham games today. It was great. Won 3 lost 1. We got into the quarterfinals and we won against notts2 but lost against the warwick 1 team. But heck, it was fun B-). Okay, will update later.

Love,
Yasmin xx

I'm just discovering the things on my new 3 network phone. I found out it can publish photos to blog (duurr..), and so if you see random oversized photos, that's just me sending photos while I'm out.. and I'll try to resize them as soon as I remember and have the time to sit down and type.

The temperature is dropping everyday and I still haven't gotten round to wearing a winter coat, it's still hoodies and sweatshirts for me. Cashmere and sweaters can wait. Most of the people I hang around with don't bother very much with what's in and out, they're just basically wearing what they're most comfortable with, be it shorts and a t-shirt or just jeans topped off with a Loughborough uni hoodie.

The other girls, say the ones from my course.. or whatever Asian chick that you see around here walk with their LV bags, Gucci sunglasses, oh I don't know.. CD boots? and perfect make up. It drives me up a wall because I promised myself that I wouldn't be like that, but oh god..how I would kill to be like that. But that would mean waking up in the morning, making sure my skin doesn't break out, putting on a 'pretty' face.. I dunno. That doesn't sound very much like me. When I really think about it, the only time I wear make up is when I know I've got time to dress up (which is like a rare occasion on school days) or I've got something going on, you know, that sort of thing. So why bother when you know no one's going to look at you anyway? When you get right down to it, the only people who really look at you are the girls, because we (me, anyway) compare ourselves to each other. I'm in uni sitting down at a table then some girl passes by and I'd look. I would probably end up making a face, it's usually just because of jealousy.. nyarr "love the dress. hate her" syndrome :-P

When I first came to uni, all I wore were basic t-shirts and jeans. I'm starting to notice that I'm begining to care about how I look when I step out of the house, how I wish I didn't have such panda eyes, how I wish my face would clear up. Oh god. No matter how many different kinds of products I use, how much effort I put in to help my skin clear up.. it's soooo not happening. :-( Nyar. I miss my facials back home.

Then there's the fact that I have to budget my money. I have to manage my money properly to make sure I'll survive the month. I try to anyway. I keep telling myself that I don't really need that jacket, that top, that skirt.. pft. You only live once, why not indulge yourself into the sucking world of fashion? Not that any of the shirts I pick look anything like what you might be thinking. It's just tops, the occasional everyday typical top you can throw over any type of jeans, skirts, leggings. That sort of thing.

I went to the Halloween Ball with some of the boys last week, I had a blast even though every now and then the thoughts of class tests, coursework etc. kept popping in but I managed to shrug that off and didn't come back until late. I even dragged myself to wake up the next day to get to a 9am tutorial.

I think I've mentioned somewhere (probably not) that I've joined the Loughborough photosoc. We have meets every Thursday evening and last night was uhmm.. a learning exprience? I learnt how to take photos at night. LOL. Yah, and I now know how to change my shutter speed, play with the ISO thingie (no idea what it stands for, but it has something to do with grainy bits in photos..), etc etc. But as Mustanir and I did last week, we came, we sat down, giggled, played with the camera a bit and left as soon as they said they were going to go walk around uni to take some night photos. I was sooo not in the mood to walk in the frigging cold, so we ran off, jumped into the car and went home before setting off again with my housemates to play netball. :-) The boys came along as well, and they still have a lot to learn about the game..but at least we're doing something together.

I wonder what's going on for the Brunei Soc that's suppose to happen in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to that :-)

10pm and I've got an early day tomorrow, playing for the Malaysia Nottingham games.

night.

love,
yasmin.
xxxx

What a state the kitchen is in lol.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone! I know it's a few days off than what it should be, but better late than never :-) This makes my second raya in the UK and in Loughborough. I'm looking forward to the next 2-3 years more I might be spending here. The students in Loughborough have expanded emensely, I wouldn't say that I'm shocked.. but just slightly caught off guard. We've got a total of 33 students studying in Loughborough, including postgrads and those doing masters. It's amazing if you think about how last year's intake of freshers was only 5 and the year before that - 1. This year's intake was a whooping 25 people. O.O

It's been a lot of fun, we had the takbir raya at 76 Hermit.. eventhough my housemates and I were a little late. We had to call a taxi because Hermitage is about 40minutes walk from our house but only a ten minute drive (this is because we'd have to cut through uni, go past a few houses... yeah, you get the idea). But before then we organised a meeting amongst most of the Bruneians and we just had ideas thrown in of how we're going to celebrate it before finally settling on a date i.e that Wednesday.

We divided the "menu" up and I volunteered to make ayam masak kicap.. lol~ Never in my life did I ever cook so many chickens. Every dish was assigned to 7 whole chickens. NYAH! I am so thankful for great housemates; Mas, Syer and Zaed who helped peel and cut onions, potatoes and carrots..hehe :-D

So you can imagine we had a lot of food. We got Mustanir to come as well and he took a handful of photos (that I am yet to get off him!) along with Qian. I think everyone had a good time that day, especially those who continued on with the night by going to Hey Ewe! at the student union *cough* Mummy! I wore my new coat clickkk :-D Anyway, you can check out the Hari Raya photo set at my Flickr.

There are two open houses going on this weekend, one at Mustanir's (which was yesterday) and one at 45 Ashleigh (Lina, Taufiq, Aqilah & Wani).. but we've been specifically told to only come after 3pm. So. I guess I could get some coursework done until then.

Okay, I'm off. Eid Mubarak people!!

xxxxxx

I'm back in Loughborough now, there isn't really much to say about anything. I'm in the university IT lab because I don't have internet at home yet. I tired leeching off somebody's wireless but couldn't connect.. sooo I took a 15minute walk to the Business School IT lab. :-D And I've been here for the past two hours just replying emails, checking websites. hu~

It's fasting month, so happy fasting everyone! It's my second year doing this in another country other than Brunei.. it's not fun because the days are long and I'm always feeling exhausted. I didn't eat this morning so I can hear my stomach growling.

I've been living alone since I got back, I managed to convince Mustanir and a cousin or two to stay with me every few nights but last night I stayed at home alone. I get so freaked out when I hear odd squeaks and creaks every now and then, I can feel my hair rising up because I'm so scared. Last night Qian and Mus stayed until about 930pm at my house, I made chicken and Mus made some stir fry. I spent a few nights in Birmingham and a couple nights in London while visiting some friends and family. It's all in fun really.

When I left Brunei, it felt really rushed.. during the first few weeks when I got home, I really wanted to go back to Loughborough, but as time went by, I guess I prefer home to anything else really. I miss my mum right now, but I can't afford to call her because I lost the free dial numbers. So until I do, I'm trying to limit my phone calls. It was really exiciting to see Qian and Mus again, I even met up with Souri in Molten Mowbray which is about 30minutes drive from Loughborough. In fact, yesterday while wondering around town, I saw a girl who looked exactly like Aimi, she might have been Aimi for every part that looked like her. From her hair, to the way she caried herself, her lips.. lol that sounds gay doesn't it? hehehehee

Some new Lboro Bruneians came in yesterday and I managed to show them a few shops in Loughborough, I took their parents to argos and showed them one or two halal butchers so they can have meat/chicken for their sungkai. :-) That was fun.

Unfortunately, I haven't seen any new sights, other than that huge bull in the middle of Birmingham's bullring.. haha I look forward to exploring more of UK as time goes by. That's it from me for now.

Love,
yas.

I've been getting sloppy at maintaining my own website. Durn~ I'm on my living room couch, watching the third movie in a row since this morning. Gosh that sounds soo.. pathetic :-P but its only because I'm bored and have nothing planned today except for netball. So lounging in my house in my pj's feels really relaxing.

Pasta cravings were hitting me really badly last night so I ended up having dinner with the wifey, Hazie and Shahyzul at Fratini's. Carbonara with prawns rock. End of Story. :-P I had just finished playing netball so I showed up in Gadong in shorts and a big t-shirt..hehehe we walked around at the Mall and I saw Una there, said my hellos :-)

Abang's been away for almost a week now, sucks. I think most of my posts for the next few days until I get back to UK will be about ME whining about nothing to do. lol. My friends are either in Australia..or some other country. Pfft! Qi did come back for a four day visit because her sister got married (and it was a beautiful wedding :D) and OH I got my driver's permit last week..which was tre-awesome, but unfortunately my parking is still crap. lol. I can park my teacher's car perfectly but I can't park the pick up or the lexus. pooooo.

I'm cold and I'm bored.. and I'm annoyed.. I want to shop. And watching Home Alone 2 makes me feeeeeeeel sooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. lol. I should be getting ready to go out soon and play netball with the girls.

I'll post later when I get back.

love,
yasmin.
xx

Going out everyday leaves me exhausted and I'm starting to think that my house can pass for a cybercafe. The last time my cousins were here, we had about five laptops out and everyone was either MSNing or surfing the net. Plus the PCs we have out and my own laptop.. the internet was soooo slow.

Maybe I should just stay home tomorrow since I'm not having my driving lesson tomorrow. The driving is going pretty well, I'm still scared of pressing the accelerator but my teacher quite likes me :-P

I'm suppose to have netball in the afternoon and evening. That ought to be fun but I'm not really into playing with people younger than me... *rolls eyes* Tak tau lah, I haven't been making any new friends lately other than the new people I'm seeing around at the netball court.. I guess that's alright? I need to maintain the ones I already have (ceh), I'm going to email the ones that mailed me tomorrow if I can. I don't think I'll be showing up for the afternoon netball session because I'm not up to it.

I've been having cake cravings, etcetera. It feels like all I do is makan and makan and eat and makan and eat.. haiyoh. I'm thinking about food right now but I'm stuffed. Ha. Tapi nak makan lagi lah :-( lol I'm so going to be over weight when I get back to Loughborough. :-) This is fun. In about a month's time I'm going to be back in the cold harsh weather and back with Qian and Mus. Just like old times. NYEH I CAN'T WAIT. This year is going to be so interesting :-P Drama part two. Tehehe.

So next year I promised myself that I'd try and get into studying a bit more than I did last year. I passed my first year and I'm hoping to do better than I did for next year. I guess I have to get my brain set up for studious mode. First year isn't counted unless you're taking placement and for that you need at least a 2:1 to even be considered to work at certain firms. Luckily for me, I'm not doing a placement year..so it's just a three year non-stop studying + learning thing.

I am thinking about getting a part-time job to help ease up my accommodation payments and to have extra money at the end of the month (I swear clothes are going to be my reason for going bust). The monthly allowance I get from my scholarship isn't really enough to live on if you think about the high cost of living in the U.K. More than half (about £310) of my monthly allowance will be going to my accommodation alone, and then there will be the bills for my cell phone, internet, cable, etcetera. I suppose I'd be okay if I didn't shop so much, but I'm a sucker for hair products (it's MY friggin' pride and joy) and I'm never able to just walk past TopShop, I will always walk into it (ask Mus and Qian who have to drag me out).. and somehow walk out with at least one new plain top. :-) I should just consider staying home. lol.

Anyway. Bed.

love,
yas.
xxx

I sat down on my porch today and just cried. Life takes you so many ways, sometimes you get so mixed up that one decision might be as bad as the next. I'm still sensitive when people start asking me too many questions, there are many things on my mind..some of which I don't want to think about because I really don't know how I'm going to solve it. I'm procrastinating until I really have to face up to it. Love makes things complicated but yeah, what do I know about it? Innocent flirting here and there, one thing usually leads to another..and viola, instant mess!

I hate thinking about my life and wanting to sort it out. The opposite sex make it complicated and they poke my brains. Sunday was my relief day, no texting, no calls. Just me and my sunshine living up the days like it used to be. For about a year and a half. Heh.

My weekend perks

I had a great weekend, lovely two weeks. I just want to relive it all in my head. There are some things that keep me strong and they are the same things that can cause my downfall. Ia jua racun, ia jua penawar... My head thinks and rethinks over and over. Sunday was beautiful. Thank you to those who care and those who were there. You made my weekend just.. beautiful :-)

I was thinking about one of the posts in postsecret, my favourite which said "I cut myself to kill the pain". J5's always asking me why do people cut themselves. I've mentioned this before on very very previous posts. Sometimes when the pain inside (emotionally, those frigging heartaches you feel INside) gets too much but you can't seem to let it go, the pain you get from the cuts distracts you from the pain inside and at the same time feels like a release from INside to OUTside because blood's flowing out of you from your heart. But yeah, that's what I think anyway. Neexxttt topic!

My exam results came in the mail but I'm pretty sure the parentals aren't too thrilled with it. But I passed :-) OH GOD UNI FREAKING STARTS IN TWO MONTHS. I want to get out of Brunei but then I'm in a war with my head because at the same time I love being here. I love being around mum and my family (including arguements because life has ups and downs) Making new friends is a big deal to me because it's been a while since I've done that (god, can I sound any more pathetic?), I'm just thankful the people I've been playing netball with are nice people. Other than that, I'm not doing anything. Loser. Looooosseeerrr~ Seriously.

The Women of Netball :-P minus a few missing people.

Friday night was gym and I've never gone to FitnessZone in the evening. It was crowded and there were so many new faces. I think I've got some sort of problem when it comes to crowds. I got teary eyed trying to convince my friend that we should go home because I didn't want to be there. :-( You'd be wondering, how can something like that happen to me? I was talking to J5 in the car about it, and I put the blame on relationships.

Have you ever noticed that some people just disappear from the face of the earth once they've stepped into the "in a relationship" zone? I can't really blame them, I know the feeling of wanting to be alone with only the significant other that you tend to forget your usual group of friends. I think everyone goes through it, but over time you'd think they'd get over it and come back to hanging out. That doesn't happen to me, sometimes when I forget the world, I'll really forget it.. and it sucks. It happened for a long time and I barely had time for my friends because I always wanted to be with him. I'd even try to take him with me if I had to go out with my girlfriends. Intrusion? Ah yes, so very true.

Actually, I had no point whatsoever in that paragraph.

Bed now.

ade.. im so lost without you here.

Tuesday morning ladies and gents. I'm exhausted from going out everyday from last last Saturday. People have been keeping me busy and I don't really have much to say. I can see from the wifey's posts that she's getting giddy and somewhat, happy :-P angau beb? I watched Kirana7 play netball over the weekend in Tutong, that was fun. I fell down and hurt my hand and sort of smashed my phone but it's alright.

I spent the whole week eating, watching movies, playing netball and falling asleep in the car. My best friend, Aimi, left on Saturday to Melbourne. I'm just not allowing myself to feel anything these days. I feel happy yet empty. I don't want to touch things of the past or feel things I wish I could.

MUSTANIR EMAIL ME :-P I miss you please and thank you. hahaha

49 days until I'm back in UK :)

Quarter to noon and I'm already in my gym clothes trying to decide the pro and cons of going to the gym today. I feel so lazy lately, but I'm thinking its probably because I'm tired and haven't had enough rest. I always manage to scrape up enough energy to play netball, but never enough energy to go to the gym because its sooo boring. :-S I'm a sports person, not a gym bunny!!Apakan, sasak ku ah. I said that in the last post as well. teehehe :-)

I HAVEN'T SEEN THE WIFEY SINCE TUESDAY. talur. I was suppose to meet up with her on Thursday, but she cancelled and thenn..When I called her up that afternoon she was queuing up to buy tickets to Dead Man's Chest! :-P PFTTXXXTT!!!! You're mad woman. I should poke you with my ultimate poking stick until you confess that you love me best :-) Anyhoo, when is the next BruStu meat? I'm bored. Let's have a BruStu prom. EVERYONE DRESS UP! :-D

Just surfed: rano, pynk, bruneistudent, Fiz, Fets, poser, hazie, matrixadi and bruneiresources. Phew! That's a lot of websites in just a short period of time :-) I can't say I visit them daily, it's more like... fortnightly? Hmm~

I'm due to go back to UK in mid-September, but I'm not sure if mum's going to buy me a one way ticket or a return. Results came out about two weeks ago, I'm happy to say that I passed with some colours flying through :-P Resits are in August people! Those who need to resit, best of luck to you, study well :-)

Saturday. It's BIA's anniversary thing tonight, mum and dad are going to be out. I'm hoping to catch a movie with Zaza and my sis plus a few others. I went out with Za last night and we met up with my sister, Aimi and Lina at Chill. But Za didn't pick me up until about 8:45p and we didn't get to Gadong til about 9:30p, leaving my poor lil sister sitting alone in Chill waiting for us :-)

I'm still pissed off with people who have left Brunei. I'm not changing the blinking text anytime soon because I'm working on a new layout for ua.org :-P and as for the lot that is about to leave, you guys suck too. I seriously need to find a new set of friends to hang out with. Hmpf.

love,
yas.
xxxx

Nyah. It's 6:40am, and I've been up for the past hour. I couldn't sleep last night because I seriously thought I left Salbrina's netball bibs at the university gym. So, when I went to ask my maid if I brought any green bibs home, she said yes. So.. I'm up for no reason really, unless I can convince my father to teach me to drive today and find a driving instructor that won't upset me.

I went to Yazie's BBQ on Tuesday night with my sister. We came late because I went to play netball. I know I've been playing a lot of it lately and neglecting my gym time. I guess I'm more of a sports person than a gym bunny. I prefer interaction to isolation because thoughts rot my brain. I don't like thinking too much because I get depressed and I'm too paranoid for my own good. I remember a while ago I was convinced someone was going to shoot me down :-S I have no idea where these random thoughts come from, but yeah..That was just a paranoia.

I'm on flickr right now, trying to check out Mustanir's new photos (but Flickr's currently having a massage so I can't surf). They've been having parties/barbecues in Loughborough and Mus was telling me how he felt like a housewife throughout the day because he was constantly in the kitchen cooking. He told me his housemate invited about thirty people o.o Personally, I don't know how that number is going to fit the house.. haha and it'll be an invasion of Malaysians at their residence :-P

Well, mid-July is finally here. In about 65days I'm going to be back in UK, to the cold and well into Autumn. I need to buy a coat :-( I want a nice expensive coat. lol. The coat I have now is lets some of the cold air in. I no like. Ah, I'm in need of shopping therapy. Ohh, I remember shopping with Qian once and that was exhausting.. :-S I will never understand why people go into five different stores just to check if there's something better only to come back to the first shop and buy that product. To me, if you like something, get it and that's it. No regrets, so don't bother checking if there's something better :-P

I see the wifey every now and then, she's been a doll lately listening to my troubles and lending an ear or two just to listen to my 'complications'. I love you babe, even though I know you are cheating on me with other people 8-) I saw her at the university on Tuesday.

oh gtg.
bye.

Qian's back in UK, and Mus is back in Loughborough.. and now we get more chances to have our usual group conversations online :-) It feels great to be talking to them again. Hehe, like the other day it was almost noon their time and Qian had to go to the bank.. and we didn't know if she was up yet and the bank closes at twelve.. *giggles* Nice one. They did make it to the bank. In fact, they walked there. :-P

I haven't done anything interesting over the weekend. I'm boooooored. Aimi and Lina slept over on Friday night, and we went out at like 8am to go to Aimi's brother's place.. and ate pancakes at Express and then ate again in Tutong, a district an hour away from where we live. o:-) Talk about having nothing to do.

I'm in my mother's bedroom right now, trying to convince myself that it's a good idea for me to go to the gym soon.. since netball is cancelled I might as well make the most of it when I actually show up for a gym session. Sigh. I miss playing basketball but I can't seem to find anyone to play with. I'm not in the mood to play with people I don't know because they have the tendency to irritate me when they play, they get cocky and in the end they make you not play on the court. PFFT. When's the MD tournament anyway? I'd want to watch that. And what's this about bball matches at Chung Hwa? Lessie them.

There was a mini BruStu meat at Yusrin's place on Saturday. I went there instead of having dinner with Hafiz and instead of having dinner with Mummy una :p And there's also the fact that Yusrin lives a mere 2 minutes away from me, meaning I can go home easily and quickly compared to sitting in the car for 30 minutes like I usually do when I'm on the way home from town. Yeshu, living WAY outside of Bandar and Gadong sure has its downsides. Cheers to Twisted and Moans who picked me up. lub yews kissses xoxoxxx!

So.

"Are you yasmin?" lol. what the farrrrrrk man! :-P

eh I just learnt Zidane's middle name is Yazid. oh wow. nice one. haha gila, it's one pm. aku mau jalan!!!!!!!

love,
yas.
xxxxxxx

Adeline's left Brunei. I didn't get to send her off because I didn't have transport and I was at UBD playing netball. I know I'll miss her and knowing that she's not around to pester me when she's bored feels so depressing. Fuh. I ought to be feeling guilty about not going to the airport to send her off, but I'm not because I know she's going to be fine in Perth. I know Eddie's going to be there to take care of her, I'm just sorry I couldn't give her a final hug on her first time leaving Brunei to continue her studies. :-) I love you darling, you're going to do great things in Perth. Play basketball there, join societies.. kick ass. I love you. xx

I've been bumming around at home, doing nothing. I've come to a realisation that I actually need to do something with my life other than go out, have drinks, go to the gym, play netball, eat out. I sound like I have too much of a social life, but how come I'm always feeling discontent? How come when J5 asks me, "are you happy?" I can never say yes? I'm just lost for words.

I wrote three pages of thoughts on my way here on the plane from UK, I gave them away for other people to read. If I typed it all out on my laptop, more than half of it would never ever reach anyones eyes. Haiz. I duno. Banyak fikir lah.

Okay. Dah akhir. I'm exhausted from playing netball everyday this week.

love,
yasmin.
xxxx

What's the point of me having a blog if I have to care what people think or say about the things I do or speak of? Censorship happens all the time, it occurs in your head before you say anything, it happens in news bullitens. Like, when you're out with a friend and you'd like to say something but you stop yourself because you don't want to offend them/let them know a fact. That's censorship. I've got like a million things I wish I could talk about, the things I put here are merely scratches of the surface. So yeah, don't tell me what I can or cannot say.

I've been thinking about whether I should continue on posting on unangelic, or if I should move out and make a new domain. I haven't really decided. I've got about six more months to decide that. Haiz.

Just uploaded new photos on to my flickr account. Qiqi and Jit left yesterday, but I got used to them leaving.. I usually am the first one to cry amongst us. I didn't spend as much time with Qi as I'd like, but considering she spent two weeks in Brunei and I wasn't around for almost a week while she was here.. we did pretty well.

I had netball yesterday, and will be having it again today. Fun :-P Playing the game is the best thing that's happened since I got here. :-) I heart the people I play with :-D

oh and fark, adebum is leaving on Friday. I got the fcuking dates wrong. I'm gonna miss you bum. Haaaii..

Kami boleh di katakan saudara dan sahabat sejati, kerana.. kami bertiga kuat bergila di siring jalan sambil mendengar mp3 kami yang bermain di nano kami. wtf. lol. Tuesday morning people! I'm aching everywhere and I woke up on the wrong side of the bed..so I'm cranky. Everyone is pissing me off and I almost lost my cool when I was on the phone just now. argh.

Men are such a headache.. but that doesn't stop you from loving them, cherishing them, caring for them. haiz. I tak tau lah, sometimes it's just stupid how things carry on in life. I'm just annoyed at how I am right now, procrastinating and not doing anything to make myself feel better.

I need to see a doctor soon about my bodily pains, I think it's stress. Maybe it's pressure. Maybe I'm dying? Nah. Just chest pains here and there, my legs ache every now and then.. maybe it's old age :-P I've got netball at UBD later with the ladies I've been playing with, I have no idea what some of them do for jobs. I know a few of them are teachers, and I'm the youngest one amongst them. But they're nice :-)

Adeline's leaving on Monday :-( She's going off to Perth to continue her studies.. and that means she's not coming to UK :-( :-( HAIZ. She's having a dinner thing tonight, but Len's also having a birthday bbq. Hmm. Sokay, their houses are like ten minutes of each other.

Qiqi and Jit's flight got delayed to 4:50PM instead of 12noon, so that means I'm not going to the gym today and will try and go tomorrow instead. I'm gaining weight. I think? I was talking to t. last night, and I asked him if I've gained weight since he last saw me. He was like, "your green contacts and your hair." Sheesh. It just shows how men don't listen. I was asking if I've looked like I gained weight, not if I've changed anything :-P Anyway, he said I look good. I'm such a weight freak. teehehe oh, but I :heart: t.

IM 19 and I DONT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE YET! lmao. Might get my provisional lisence today? I duno. We'll see. First thing to do is see the doctor.

okieee
baibaii!

Who knew?

Whenever I go out with my bestfriends, usually Qiqi and Jit, I sometimes feel like a third wheel because I'm just the odd one out with them. But when I think about it, they try their best to accomodate me. These two have been going out for a year++ now, they're a sweet couple and I'm very close to both of them. These days whenever I go out with my sister or a friend or two (I never go out alone now in fear of running into someone), I see couples walking around, cuddling, holding hands, etcetra, it hurts because I'm not with my significant other. Let's hope anyone's SO feels the same way.

Being in Brunei makes me feel lonely because I don't live 5 minutes away from friends I actually enjoy hanging out with, I don't live 5 minutes away from town. Things aren't the same as they were in Loughborough. In all honestly, I can't wait to go back because I miss life there. Living 'independently'.. haha meaning coming home late, no one to tell you when to go to bed, to tell you who you can or cannot go out with. Those are just choices you have to make on your own, depending on your moral issues :-P

I'll be living with my cousin and my senior next year in Loughborough. This should be interesting. I've been a perfect house guest at my senior's place throughout last year.. and now I'll be living with her. I hope I don't mess my bit up. Hehe :-)

I thought my head would clear up after I got back from Singapore, but now I realise I've just been avoiding my issues and problems. Things just build up in me, from people constantly 'advicing' me on how to live in the world to just people around me in general. I get irritated easily these days, hence the conflict and arguements that fly around the house. My head's just messed up, there are so many things that I can't say to my family and friends because it's just things they don't want to hear. How do I know this? I know this because they constantly remind me what they do want to hear. They don't want to listen to things that are bothering me because these 'things' shouldn't even be occuring in my life. So, what's left for me? There's nothing for me to talk about. I just have to keep it all in until I finally hurt so much inside and break down in my room. Like yesterday.

I'm going back to UK in the middle of September, but not on the same flight as my other cousin, H, who's going back two days earlier than me.. that bum, he should be on our flight. grr. He's changed a lot from who he was when he first arrived in England. Hehehe, I would like to say it's a positive change.. but it's still a shock for me and the family considering how he was brought up and who he is.

Oh god Brunei is hot. I've been sweating like mad.

hf, mm, qh: i miss you. xx 75 days babes. :-)

haiz.

love,
yas.
xxxxx

I'm back from Singapore and I'm feeling more relieved than when I first left. I have a number of things I need to settle, but I don't know when I'm going to get around to doing them. Being in Singapore never felt more carefree. I had fun there. A lot of fun.

Things to do:

1. J5 and I need to talk.
2. Buy my plane ticket back to London.
3. Refresh my wardrobe.

xxxxxxxx

I'm currently resizing and rotating images taken over the past few days.. nice :) I had a great weekend. Facial, family gathering, dim sum with the best friends, the works. I was gonna get my hair done, but I got convinced not to since it's not frizzy or discoloured or anything. :-P Nantitah when I have time.

I've been in Brunei for two weeks now, one of the first things I did was get a hair trim, eat Nasi Lemak (but no satay coz the shop closed D-: boo!!) In about a week, Qiqi and Jit will be going back to Brisbane, Aimi back to Melbourne.. Lina's going to start work in August. Haiz.

Okay. It's past midnight! tytytytytytyyyy!

lol.

gnight!!

ps. check out flickr for photo updates ;)

xxxxx

I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind - Hate me; Blue October

I've got netball again today, but this time with another group of people who I'll be meeting for the first time today. Sports has been keeping me busy, and in a way, I'm thankful I wake up late so the day doesn't feel like it drags on.. Like the other day when I woke up at 6am, I couldn't function.. I just wasted time on the couch, just lying down and thinking.. and I was counting the minutes until it was noon.. 6 bloody hours. Sigh

Has anyone ever wondered why some people make themselves seemso depressed when they shouldn't be? I know a couple of people who have the world at their feet, and they feel underserving when they're probably the most deserving people ever. It sucks to be this way, always thinking pessimistic thoughts and ways of suicidal happiness.

I hate being alone, lonely.. It's something I'm not used to. I've never really been out of a relationship very long, it's just something that happens.. not something I look for. I never look for being in a relationship, they just appear right in my face. I'm the sort of person who just goes with the flow, if there's no love, so what you know?

One of the reasons I don't stay with a guy (and most girls wouldn't and shouldn't) is the amount of pain I feel when I'm with them. Love is pain? Yeah maybe, but there should me more love than eff-ing pain doncha think? Repetition is something I don't really care for in my books, like a certain ex-boyfriend who cheated on me, not once but three times. I forgave you but that was three years too late. Then, there's also another one who just throws the fact that I'm still young and don't know/understand the world.. I don't like being brought down. I like to think that I am good, if not better. That's just who I am. I know well enough when I can't stay with a guy anymore, when the pain gets unbearable and you're crying every day.. and he keeps saying he'll make it better but it doesn't happen. Lies. Lies. Lies. The pain is like a hole, you can keep taking bits of it away and it'll just get larger and larger.

I wouldn't say I'm heartless when it comes to break-ups, I get upset with them too. Getting dumped is not a good feeling, I know. I've been there. I've had my share of bad break-ups. I'm not going back down that road, back to those eyes that cause me pain. I'm strong because I have to be, because that's the only way I can hold my head up. I still cry some nights when it gets too painful. I fell in love, but I realised I should be the more important one to ME. Not my significant other. SO's aren't worth the fucking hype. You don't need a man to heal, but if one happens to be around.. ahh, what the heck :-)

I'm healing quite nicely, and I'll make love happen the way I want it to. I think a lot, it drives my other halves crazy sometimes. I'm not at the age where I'm ready to settle down.. or be in a committed relationship. I don't know. I still want to see the world, meet new people.. without being pulled down. There's so much in me that I want to let go.

So I want to forget the past. Forget. I want to live my life now.

plugs: matrixadi, rachael, mustanir.

ps. qian, mus.. i miss you guys. two months to go! xx

I've got netball at 5, was suppose to go out with Randy but I guess he had better plans :-P Funnily enough, I can't remember what I did yesterday except go out with Aimi and Lina for drinks. Haha. Lina managed to convince me to join a gym, and that's $180 gone for the next 6-7 weeks. Haiz. Oh I know, I went to see Hads and we had lunch with his cousins and my sister.

so, it's tuesday. what am I doing? I still sleep late like after 1am and close to 4am.. I just can't sleep. There are too many things going on in my head, like me trying to figure out ways to make myself feel satisfied here.. I don't know. I'm restless. I guess back in UK, I didn't have to worry about what time I came back to my room, etc.. just as long as I got back. I can't even make my own decisions here because no one trusts me to. I need to get away from here, everyone's stressing me out with everything they say.. I'm pressured so much that I feel like I want to explode. Everyone is getting on my nerves and it sucks. I want to get out of here for a while.

Nya.

I've got issues. In this list, it would include my ex-boyfriend, a person who calls herself a friend and a whole load of bullshit I have to go through. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for the past few days, I'm just so fucking pissed. Coming back to Brunei hasn't been all butterflies and lillies and chilli padi's man. It's just.. so argh. Maybe it's my fault, I come home expected to be supported in some way, you know just help me keep my head up. BUT NO, I COME HOME TO A TRUCK LOAD OF ZILLIONS OF QUESTIONS. What? I'm too hyper that it's fake? argh. Am I not suppose to be happy? Is my break up trivial? Is LIFE a game to you?

The weekend in London was nice, it was good to be with Moans again.. shopping, dinner, the works. She's forever my girlfriend and now, my wife. I love her to bits. She's such a doll. I love you sweetheart, always. We shopped, went to little venice with Kaz and Shahyzul. Talked about the idiocracy of life.. xxx

Mus drove Qian and myself down to London, we left Loughborough at 5am in the morning.. Mus woke me up at 4am when all of us only slept at like.. 2 or 3. We arrived in London around 730 or so, because of detours etc. We toured the HMS Belfast, took photos at tower bridge, ate ice cream, hung out, ate at Mawar's and then they went back to lboro :-( I felt so sad when they left. I wasn't used to not being in their company. When I think about it, they're the ones who brighten up my day..and don't make it seem as messed up as it feels. Sigh. I miss them both :-(

I wrote all of that yesterday, I'm feeling less trivial right now.. just a bit drowsy. Didn't sleep til about 3am last night and I got Fiz, Padil and Chong to come over last night to bum here for about an hour before finally going to bed. ::giggle:: We watched all those stupid videos on youtube ^_^ funny stuff right there :-D

I felt like going shopping yesterday, but that didn't happen.. might go today to Hua Ho and get some sports gear for myself. Finally went swimming yesterday. It was a huge stress relief for me. Pfft~ I didn't go for four days in a row after saying I was going to.. talur banar. I just couldn't find the time to and I kept over sleeping. I'm still jetlagged, I sleep through most of the day and I can never find any 'me' time. Haiz.

I wanna go to Singapore. I want. I want. I don't know. I'm going crazy here, I get too lonely sometimes.. I'm scared of going out aone, I'm scared. Terrified really. I'd go out, but I don't have anyone to go out with.. everyone's busy.. or I just don't wanna hang out with them.. I don't knoww la~ maybe it's me for not asking them to go out, maybe its them for not asking me. nya. banyak fikir lah. shiit.

okay, going to eat now.

I'm back in Brunei. Still jetlagged since I keep waking up well after noon.. except for yesterday when I woke up at 7 to play netball with Zaza.

Spent the weekend in London, went sightseeing with Mus and Qian. We had a blast. Photos are available here and here. We viewed the HMS Belfast (?!), it's this huge war ship. 8 levels, and it took two whole hours to just look at. Talk about a tour right? Haha. I had the worst chocolate cake in my life there. HONEST. And we all know what a sucker I am for chocolate cake! Nyer.

Oops! My ride's here. Will update later!

xxxxx

The past.. three weeks have been hell. Lack of concerntation and discipline might be an issue to raise if I end up messing up my papers.. We'll see. My last exam's this afternoon, in exactly two hours. I can't wait. First thing I'm gonna do when I get out of the exam room is get a hug from my mates and thank god first year is over.

For my other friends, the pressure for them is greater because they need 2:1's to be able to secure a placement in third year. I, on the other hand, will be continuing my third year of studies while they make new lives in the job industry.. and I will be graduating a year earlier than all of them though that doesn't neccesarily mean I'll have a job or that I won't be continuing my studies for higher achievements (",)

I guess in some ways I am relieved that exam periods have ended..and I'm going home in just .. four days :-) My bestfriend Aimi is already home, and I'm going to end up missing my best mates here as well, namely Qian and Mus. :-P

I'll reflect more later.
study now.

love,
yas.
xxx

Seriously, I've got burns on my arm because of the damn hot oil spattered all over it.. now there's like ugly brown dots on my frigging arm!!!!!!!!!! AND it farking hurts like mad. I've got like three more papers to go, and I'm still very blur because I couldn't get any sleep last night. I'm cranky and probably bitchy at the same time so I don't think I'm a very pretty sight.

Tomorrow's going to by my Macroeconomics exam, lousy paper la. I'm gonna die in the exam room while everyone can just scribble out their names on their papers. Shit shit shit. I don't know. I think too much. My head hurts sampai cannot tidur. Like there's something wrong with me but I duno what it is. I wish I could shoot myself so inda payah fikir about all this shit anymore.

I have never let exams gotten to me before. Shit. This is hell.

I finally understand why exam period is called hell. The Fak man. The last three papers I sat for was shit. My heart goes bump-beat-beat-bump-beat like it's going to explode.. I get nervous as hell when I walk into the exam room, imagine my state once I sit down. Sometimes it's like I wanna get back up again and go home, just hide under my blankets.

Life cannot get any worse.

Crazyexams. dieee!! ::stabs::

sighh

okay this was a shit post. dont mindme.
willupdate once i get exams out of my system.

xx

Fourteen hours from now, I'd be sitting in the examination hall doing a two hour Calculus exam. Unfortunately for me, I can't seem to fall asleep..so I decided to blog until I feel tired. Yesterday's exam was pretty okay, I can't say that I did great.. but I suppose I could say I think I did well enought to get a self-satisfactory result. ^o)

I kept thinking about certain people tonight.. it's disturbing my sleep and I'm uneasy because of it..

Dear J1,
There was a point in time when there wasn't enough I could do to please you and keep you happy. You broke my heart, not once..but three times and I still kept on caring about you until this very day. Some people say you don't deserve this kind of treatment..and I know that I will continue on thinking very highly of you. You were once my whole life, my world, my best friend. I don't regret those three years of ups and downs together because it's molded us into the people we are.. and no matter what, I'll still consider you my friend even though we aren't as close as we once were before. I'll still have a soft spot for you no matter what happens.

Dear J2,
You destroyed me. You killed all that confidence I once had in life. You made me not believe in things that I wish I really did not believe in then. You mislead me. You threw away all those things we had..and I don't know if I'll ever forgive you for that. You tricked me into thinking that good things can last. Unfortunately for both of us, we've both learnt that there's a higher power.. and that power was enough to destroy us both. I should hate you for what you did to me, but we move on .. and in those days, I guess we could both say that we were childish in one point or another. It was just a phase we grew out of. Friends forever we shall be. x

Dear J3,
I wish there was a point in time I could tell you that I loved you as much as you did me.. but I couldn't because I wouldn't have meant it. I know that deep down I care about you, so much..so much sometimes I'm willing to let it give me pain.. just to see you happy. I don't know if you still care about me like you did before.. but we leart a lot about love during that short period of time. You gave me inspiration. You let me expand my wings. I do love you for that. I'm thankful we remained friends, you're still one of the few people I turn to whenever things turn shitty in my life. You're amazing, and I hope you find that special someone who's perfect for you.

Dear K3, K2 & K1,
Do you remember there was a time when you were by my side everyday and you'd listen to my rants about life and how unfair it is to be me? Do you remember there was a time when you insisted that I'll be okay and that you'll hit my arms if I cut myself again. Do you recall when you helped me out with my basketball? It's funny how you think you know someone..and then you just suddenly drift apart. I can't really explain how it's affected me in a negative sense.. and it does hurt to know that you don't want to involve your life in mine anymore but I guess I can take it. It sucks but what the hey? it's life. We move on. We carry on. I know I'll be okay even though you keep saying that you'll be there for me when we both know you really won't because, as always, there are always other much more important factors. I'm just another person like anyone else. Not enough to be kept in your books. You've forgotten me. Left me out. DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS?

Dear J5,
Life isn't fair is it? Things change.. You helped me build up the love I once felt for the world, the one taken away from me.. You let me love. Funny isn't it when we both used to say how we shouldn't fall in love..and we did. What can a 19 year old like me say about love? I can tell the world that it can build or destroy you. I can tell the world that sometimes it becomes such a pain that you wish you could cut your heart out into small pieces and just fade away. Trust. We lacked that from time to time. I suppose maybe one day it'll be okay all over again, but I can tell you now..it won't be any time soon.

Might edit this later.
I'm going to bed.

xx

ps. if anyone has a problem with this post, dont bother me about it. I'll just get pissed off.

My exams start today!

OMGOMGOMGOMOGMOMGOMGOMOGMOMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG :-( But yeah, it means I'll be coming home soon :-) I can't wait to see everyone back in Brunei.. (well, almost everyone..) and I'm going to miss people here as well.. all the people I've met and have been hanging out with :-) Yupyup..it's been great. See you all in September! :-)

IBthinkingImgonnaPUKE. examsexamexams!!!! NYAAA!

ha.

wish me luck. I might/might not need it. Then again, better safe than sorry. I have a parent who might kill me if I don't do well. lol.

my stomach is churrrrrrrrrrrning. I think I'm gonna be sick. Can someone please remind me to take my vitamins and eat properly.. exam week is usually the time when my weight just drops drastically. Let's get this week done and overrrrrrrr with... huuuu

KEEP COMMENTING YOU DARLINGS!

plugs: matrixadi, hazie, obi-chan, kev, titz, bell

ps. the LIVEJOURNAL is closed.

pps. bell, zetz_ plz. ;)

Malaysia Careers Carnival

Dates : 27th June 2006 (Tuesday)
Time: 0900 - Late
Venue: Loughborough University, Leicestershire, United Kingdom
Participation Fee : FREE


The Event 'Malaysian Careers Carnival'
0900 Registration
1045 Briefing/Opening Ceremony
1115 Management skills/Seminar/Mock-interview (Brockington Building)
1330 Lunch Break/Prayers
1430 Management skills/Seminar/Mock-interview (Brockington Building)
1645 Closing ceremony
1730 Malaysian Food Fiesta on Hazlerigg Lawn


The Shell Management Skills Challenge
"The Shell Management Skills Challenge has been developed to help undergraduates develop transferable skills and aims to teach participants the importance of skills that they will find invaluable in their working career and particularly during the selection process for employment. Skills such as Teamwork, Communication, Trust, Creativity Resource Planning and Budgeting and Risk Management are covered."
- Katy Fox, Shell Attraction and Recruitment, Shell International

Seminar on 'Leadership and Influencing Skills' by PwC
- Seminar held to emphasize the importance of leadership and influencing skills.
- To be conducted by Sarah Cockburn of PricewaterhouseCooper (PwC)


'Mock-Interview/Role Play'
- A member of LSMS will undergo a mock interview by a staff from the Careers Centre of Loughborough University
- Various aspects of the interview will be assessed to give participants a better idea of what to expect during interviews.
- Participants will be given a chance to practice answering potential interview questions.


'Malaysian Food Fiesta at Hazlerigg Lawn'

-Local Community & Participants welcomed to enjoy Malaysian cuisine by our local Indonesian/Malaysian and Indian Restaurants

-Locan Community dared to take part in our 'Sambal Belacan Challenge'

-Malaysian Guests dared to act in public and show the local community the 'Malaysian Culture'

-more challenges to be confirmed

-opened to the local Community and staff at Loughborough University

-possible CV clinic to be arranged for participants to get their CVs checked



'Prizes to be won'

ps. will reply to comments soon.

It's Tuesday ladies and gentlemen. In exactly one week and a few hours, I will be sitting for my first Maths paper which I hope not to screw up because I really really really don't want to do a resit or get a 'just passed' mark. That would simply lead to a mess up in my already planned out life.. and then it would give a rather good indication why I shouldn't be doing a Mathematics degree. Don't you think? :-P

The weather outside is effing freezing and I haven't had a decent night's sleep for a few days now.. I get up at odd hours of the night. Something is disturbing my thoughts and I can't squash it away, so you can guess that my brain is pretty much frazzled and I was planning to do some Maths today.

Yesterday was Bank Holiday.. it was Aimi's 20th birthday. :-) I gave her a ring at midnight Ozzie time while we were all having a group convo between myself, Mi, Qi and Jit. I love those three.. I know that best friends like them are forever, and I know that when there are days I can't face, they'll be there for me no matter what.

I miss the days back in JIS when we used to just sit down and have lunch together, talking about girly things and when we should have our next dimsum :-P Aimi's always been my sports partner in most of the things we did back in JIS, she's better than me of course, but hey, who cares. I probably love sports as much as she does. Qi was my what-are-you-doing-lets-go-out partner. We're probably the least organised when it comes to meeting up, someone will always be late or somehow manage not to get a ride at the last possible minute. :-) Jit is, and will always be, my main competition with almost every thing. But he's around us three so much that his opinions are appreciated and he thinks too much. :-P I'm really looking forward in going back in two weeks so I can spend time with all three of them and forget my troubles that are churning around.

My sleeping patterns are in a mess since last weekend came and went, I've been sleeping at two in the morning, doing god knows what.. I spend the morning and afternoon "studying" although I don't think my way of "studying" is the best way to remember things.. but I'm usually better off listening than reading about a subject anyway. That's probably why I prefer going to lectures and not reading my notes..

Most of the time I recall the things I've learnt during lectures so once I revise (i.e skim) though my notes, I'll remember that this lecturer said this and this. Unfortunately, for Mathematics, it's a bit different because you have to understand why you're using this equation and not that one, why it's plus and not minus, why you need this variable and why this one is arbitary.

Your whole life becomes a learning process, if you don't understand a topic, you have to work on it until you do or you won't understand the next steps and other formulas related to it. In other words, you're screwed. Unlike subjects like Business Studies, you can not understand one topic and you'll still be able to stand with the other things they talk about with the subject. In some ways, I'm thankful I didn't end up with a full Accounting & Finance degree, I don't think I'd be that happy with it.. because I don't enjoy writing essays and droning lecturers keep on talking without really explaining a topic. My Math lecturers are funny characters.. you can identify each and every one of them with just a few words :-) I enjoy going to their classes because when they start writing notes, they talk about it, they explain it and most of all, they look like they enjoy it.

50% of my degree is Mathematics and the other 50% is for Accounting and Financial Management. So it's a joint degree and I'm from the Mathematics department. We don't have jumpers, shirts or socks from our department because we're boring people (I kid. I kid) and our Math prez hasn't done much for us anyway. :-P Most of the people in my Math classes are doing mixed degrees.. Math with Economics (75% Maths, 25% Econs), Sport Science with Maths, Maths with Management, etcera. I haven't met anyone who's on a full Math degree because I'm pretty sure they're doing a whole different level of Maths compared to us. Haha

I wonder how much maths other people are doing in other degrees? What topics? Can anyone tell me please? :-) I was looking at my friend's Maths.. he's from the Electrical Engineering department. He has to sit one paper for maths.. just by looking at his paper, I can see that it's like THREE of my modules summerized in one. I have like three times the amount of work he has to do. lmao.

I need to go to tesco. EXAMS PEOPLE EXAMS!!! :-)

plugs: kev, una, matriXadi, Jo, Bell, Adeline, Hazie. wo xiang ni :)

ps. lets do the comment thing again. NAME & LOCATION even if you have nothing to sayyyyyyy!

The weekend finally came around.. and I would like to point out that this week has been one of the most stressful and yet relaxing weeks I've had in a while. I went out last night to watch X-Men with some coursemates and had a blast :-) Study wise, I'd like to say I'm doing particularly well.. but that's lying although I am racking my brain's out trying to make the material stick. I'm sure I'll eventually get there, it just takes a bit of time.

[added]
¹9 * unangelic: i wanna know how they get the camera to stick to the wall
M3 : oh wow
¹9 * unangelic: nice right?
M3 : yeah. how to do photos like that? photoshop i guess
¹9 * unangelic: i meant how do they get it to take a full body shot from ABOVE the model unless hes got a SERIOUSLY tall tripod stand, I cannot imagine how
M3 : maybe he taped it to the ceiling
¹9 * unangelic: i thought tht but if he used a timer he would have a hard time setting up before the timer goes off. dont u think?
M3 : remote control? maybe he has an assistant
¹9 * unangelic: who sticks to the wall?
M3 : yeah.. spiderman can be quite useful for getting good shots

how do you stick a tripod to the ceiling anyway!
[end of added]

Back in Sixth form, I remember listening to my friends talk about their friends who were in university before us. They were telling us stories about how they survived until the end of the month when they have no money, living on instant noodles and just staying in their rooms until the money problem waves down.. and I remember thinking, "oh god, I'd never be like that" and here I am, in uni, starving.. not because I don't have money but because I'd like to think that I don't. I'm hungryyyy...... I'm lazy to cook during exam periods anyway, tsk!

I'm worried about coming home fat. Before coming to UK, I never thought of my weight as an issue for me. I enjoyed having my body without worrying about the muffin bits or the buldging tummy bits.. argh, ever since I came here, I think I've become more obsessed with it. It's stupid and it's silly of me, I know. But sometimes you can't help it. You just want to be thin, just like the rest of the thin girls around you. ::sigh::

Ever since I came back here after Easter, I haven't done ANY sports whatsoever. In a way, I think it's just piling up and making me feel worse about myself. God WHEN DID I EVER BECOME SO INSECURE OF MYSELF. I haven't done any jogging because I have problems controlling my breathing and I'm shy. I haven't done any basketball because I feel like I don't fit in with the guys here. It's a shame that they don't want to entertain the idea of playing with a girl.. I wouldn't say they're narrow minded, jus slightly (sometimes) a little too cocky.

I'm going to go grocery shopping tomorrow since I'm out of chicken.. (and yet at the same time, I am running low on cash). It's just a week until allowance day so I guess I can hold on until then with noodles and pasta *giggle* Yes, I am starving myself.. I'd call it a 'diet', you die before you 'ate' :-P Lame lame lame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mustanir's got a new toy.. a lovely Nikon D-50 and I want it :-( I've been encouraging him to take more photos.. haha and he says he's getting bored of me as his 'model' nyerr.. I love his camera :-( We took seriously kick ass photos over the two weeks since the camera first arrived. Oh its so nice.

My Linear Algebra exam is in just over a week, I don't really know how I feel about it. Part of me wants to just get exams done and over with, and part of me wishes there was another week of studying time left. I haven't even looked at my accounting/finance stuff because I'm too worried about my Math papers. Paranoia hits you everywhere when the exam fever comes along.

I'll probably start revising that sometime this week.. i.e tomorrow or Sunday. Then try and cover all the two semester materials for my Calculus and Algebra exams. Nyar. I don't know if I should worry of the fact that I'm not that worried.

I think once second year comes around, I'll *try* and not go home during holidays and go travelling around Europe instead since I'm stuck here for the next three years.. I might as well make the most of it. In just less of a month, MY FIRST YEAR OF UNIVERSITY IS OVER BABY!

I can't wait for tomorrow. Let's hope we get some sun!

plugs: matrixadi, mustanir, hazirah , Jo, ko kev

ps. I'd like to know who visits here. COMMENT with your NAME/LOCATION please! :0D xxx!

I spent most of my weekend at another hall, eating and cooking there ^_^ It was all in fun, me and mustanir played with his new camera most of the day.. you can see photos if you look in my flickr, or his :-) It's revision week here in Lboro, next week will be week 13.. the start of mother of exams.. o.o Most of us are either screwed or going to be screwed. How did the weeks go by so fast? It feels like I haven't really left Brunei that long eh.. Technically since I came home every holiday, I didn't actually "leave".. but if you think about it, I've actually completed a whole year of university, away from home, in UK.


I remember I used to get upset over the tiniest things. Life in Brunei is just so laid back, no wonder people from the rest of the world think we're rich and spoilt. One difference in living here and in Brunei (for me) is that you have to live on yourself. The only person you can actually truly depend on is you. No one's going to wake you up in the morning, no one's going to make you go to class.. no one is going to ask you, "have you studied what you learnt today?"

Coming here, you have to be independent.. you have to know how to clean your own room, do your own dishes.. Basically run your own life. In Brunei, you had a maid to cook, clean and prepare things for you (for me anyway). I could get away with sleeping in until the afternoon and not worry that I haven't done my laundry because all of that is done for me.

I know a few people who have never cooked nor cleaned their whole life, and can you imagine being unable to do things that you're expected to know when you're at university stage? When you get to university, it's like everyone expects you to grow up, live life like an 'adult'. I wouldn't really go as far as being 'mature' .. but you're walking along that path anyway.


One of the things I hate is the loneliness I feel when I'm here.. Partly because of my lack of social life which is probably because I don't do much to change it.. Maybe next year. It took me a while to make friends in my lectures, let alone make friends with other people. Back home, it felt so easy.. all I had to do was go up to them.. Here, it's like a whole different board game. Who do you say hi to? How do you go up to them without feeling/looking so stupid? Most of the angmos here are quite friendly but I haven't really found any that I truly 'connect' with as a friend.. it's just those random passer-bys ("hey." "hi. you alright?" "yeah" end of story). It's all the same.. I just hope next year will be better.

My social circle here is no different than the one I have in Brunei, it's funny how people seem to just stick to their own kind.. I guess that's just how we're taught to grow up and that's just.. a natural thing for people to do. My friends here are mostly Chinese (just like it is back in Brunei), if we don't include the Bruneians.. and I haven't really been hanging out with the Bruneians much.. I can't really say why because I don't really know. I just hope it's just a phase I'm going to get out of.. I wouldn't say it's me that doesn't want to hang out with them.. I guess our paths and social networks just don't cross very often.

I remember if it weren't for one of them coming up to me after one of my accounting lectures, my friend would probably just be Savio in those classes. I've got my eye on a few angmos that I find interesting.. haha maybe my circle will expand that way in the next academic year :-)

A whole week of not blogging.. My moods escalate just like the weather. It's rained almost every day.. making my life feel gloomier than ever.

Come on Summer. Show me your sun.

plugs: matriXadi, kev, livie, rachael

Monday mornings are usually the days that the fire alarms are tested, I find the sound hurts my ears everytime it turns on. There's also the fact that they don't just do this once, they do this three bloody times. I hate Monday's because of it. The sound is so annoying, and it's even worse when they turn on the other fire alarm. The one I have in my room is battery operated and it beeps on a weekly basis, i.e on frigging Monday's.

I stayed in my block the whole of Sunday, Ko Kev and Mustanir came over and cooked dinner :-) We invited Qian to come over as well. It was nice to see other people on a boring Sunday, and I needed the company to keep me sane. I spent most of that morning working on my courseworks, thank god this week is the last week for courseworks and then I get to spend two luxurious weeks studying my ass off for my up coming exams. Nyer. The salmon was great by the way, I've never tasted it with plum and ginger sauce so that seriously rocked my boat ::thumbs up::

There are a few letters that need to be posted and I need to drop some cheques in to the LSMS account.. nyer. Busy busy busy.

Good luck for exams everyone!!!

plugs: Jo, mockingbird, Mustanir, Ko Kev, matriXadi. you guys rock <3

It's 12:30 in the morning, and I haven't climbed into bed yet. I can't really explain the feeling I have inside of me, maybe because I want it to be there.. or because I'm just naturally depressive. I'm having problems with studying, but I hope that's not going to affect me much over the next few weeks.. I just wanna go home.

Friday night was the Business School Ball, I had a blast with my mates and girlfriends :-) I haven't gone to a party in ages, so it was a lot of fun for me just three weeks before exams start. I've uploaded some of the photos in my flickr, so feel free to visit and comment on them there. What Muneer said today affected me quite badly though it's not really his fault as honestly and subtleness is one of his main traits. I guess I'm going to have to prove him wrong since it's been nine months since we last saw each other.

Well, I better brush off to sleep now.