Endless..

I never really did enjoy watching other people have fun while I didn't. I guess sometimes the only fun you can get is when you're actually in that part of 'fun'. I've been the way I am since the end of 2002. Everything's so different now, I don't think I could have imagined that I'd turn out this way. I always thought things will always stay the same, because life back then was so routine that it was predictable. I guess that made everything boring. Personally, I'd prefer to be spontaneous which makes it more fun. I get bored easily, but there are some things in my life I would have rather kept the same.

I'm not saying that I regret what's changed then and what's different now. I'm just saying I would have preferred it stay the same. I'm happy with how my life is now, and how it has made a full swing turn. I never thought I'd be this strong to move on with my life, because I know there was a point when my world revolved around two people and all that mattered was keeping them happy. I gave up my time, my nights.. for them. Now, I'm learning to be more appreciative towards myself. I promise, that this time, I'm not going to let what happened then happen again. The most important thing to me now, is learning to love myself more and appreciate what I've got. I can't stop tears from running down my face, but I know I can try and find my way out.

Why did everything disappear so fast? I've always wondered how one decision can change everything for the rest of your life. How can something so small make such a significant impact on a person's life? It doesn't make sense and it's crazy. I can't find words to express how deeply hurt I've been and reminiscing about it doesn't really help much. I try to talk to him about it, but it somehow just gets me really riled up and then I'd get totally upset. Being upset, probably upsets him . It's unbelievable. I can't lie about how I'm not over a lot of things, and he knows I'm not. I'm just glad that he's allowing me to take things a step at a time and no forcing me to forget it once and for all. He's a great guy, and being there is all I need from him for now, and he always has. I know he always will be.

I used to write a poem at least once a week, my depression used to be my inspiration. I could write about my persona, my thoughts.. and they would be buried in a deeper word path, inside a world that only I could understand. I guess I've lost my muse, since I haven't written a single line since early 2003. It's beginning to scare me because writing was my only way of getting rid of my pain and sorrow. I don't show how much I hurt in front of others, I know I'm good at that. I know that my smiles can always be seen as 'real', but only a few know what is 'real' and what is not. And sometimes through pictures, you can see still images of my 'forced' smiles. I always thought I'd be forever happy. I always thought you'd be next to me. I always thought you'd be my best friend, just the way you promised to be. You broke your promise. You broke it. I thought by then you'd know how much our friendship meant, I mean I threw one away so I could keep ours. That's how much you meant to me. Now, all you see when you look at me is dirt. You and your so-called 'friends', each and everyone of them hate me because of that f***ing image you created of me. They don't even know my side of the story. I always thought you'd be there. I'm trying hard to accept that you're no longer there, but that's something I can't accept. Why? Because you're my best friend. You're my best friend. Despite the fact we haven't spoken, nevertheless, you're still the person I'd imagine you to be, you're still the person I wanted you to be, you're still that person that I wanted to forever be friends with. I'm suppose to be strong, but I can't.

Nothing makes sense when I think about it.

And I'm hating every moment of it.

[ADDED]
My sister is being stalked by a preacher. My god. "Well, I'm not exactly being stalked, the guy is all the way in the 'amazon' world" - tee hee hee, that's like the quote of the day lol =)
Anyhoots, .[/ADDED]