butterflies..

I woke up this morning feeling really happy. Haha. Weird, but yes I did feel happy. I watched Kungfu Hustle yesterday, I don't remember a time when I had so much fun, just laughing and talking. I haven't done that in ages, other than hanging out with the usual girl friends.

I've been editting stuff around the site a lot, I've got some things going well.. I'm still thinking about whether or not I will continue with this domain in 2006. I'm reconsidering it, because I've done so much throughout the past three years and I think I'm begining to be attached to the domain :S I'm setting up a new image gallery so I don't go nuts looking for my files and would be able to view them more easily instead of browsing thorugh via ftp programs.

I went out at half past noon, got picked up ;) The Mall was seriously busy yesterday, I think I smiled/waved/said hi like every 5 minutes (or less). I saw a lot of exclassmates from PGGMB. Eh. John and I bought tickets for the movie before sitting down at West Street. I saw some cousins, relatives. Saw Syai, Hadi, Shaf, Aisya, Maya, etc, the usual Gadong Mall rats. haha :) Sis was there too, gave her half of the money I had left in my wallet ;P It's cool tho, as long as she's happy.

I've signed up for a lot of things online, hopefully when I reach my 18th, I'll be able to turn things around for the whole domain. I'll be hosting more peolpe soon, but I'll get into those details once I've completed everything else I've started.

Eh ALL FOUR OF US (plus Yazid, so that makes 5) ARE IN BRUNEI for the first time in a year. lol. Lina just came back from Australia yesterday, and aQilah's still here.. Aimi and I LIVE here. Haha. So yeah, I'm going out with them later. I went to Lina's house last night, had dinner there and just talked the night away. It was practically a gathering of all of us. Hehe, I think I hugged Li a bit tight (who wouldn't, after not seeing her for almost a year!), but she looks great =D We were talking about piercings last night, how and where the ones who haven't gotten them are going to get them. I'm scared lah. I want a horizontal belly piercing. Hahahaha but I haven't said anything.

I had to leave before nine to pick up my sister in Gadong. I fell asleep in the car, but woke up when we arrived in front of centerpoint. I had to go down and find Hads'. Sis was with Syai at coffee zone. Dropped Syai off at her place and went home, who knew it was going to take an hour to get home? man oh man.

I'm just thankful I didn't get into trouble getting home an hour late :S Went online, chatted with a few people :) I've been sleeping late lately, nyah. It's my fault that someone's getting lack of sleep. Haha whoops. Rz called me up on my cell when I was in the car, I talked to him from Gadong until I got into my room. Haha. It was nice, we caught up with what was up since we haven't been hanging out much, etc. I'm cool with it though because I know he needs time to adjust being here and being with his cousins :) I still panic and worry, and he knows that. He'll call/msg me up to reassure me that things are okay between us and it's all good.

I'm more of a at-home person lately, surprise surprise :) I'm happy though because it means I'm saving a whole lotta cash *ka-ching*. I feel guilty now when I ask my parents for money, it's weird. I try not to ask for money, unless I'm really desperate. I'm short of RM$180 in my wallet though. Nyah.

School's been over for a week now. I haven't spoken to anyone from school other than Aimi, Pheng, Bil and Eng Hock. Nice ah. I haven't had any verbal contact with anyone from school other than Aimi. Haha. One of these days I'm gonna call Pheng up and ask him to come down from KB. I wonder how Bong-Hae is.

We had family night on Sunday. My cousins' came over and we held a mini-Avril concert. The girls in my family (those younger than me) are Avril Lavigne fanatics. It was a great night, and we have it all on tape. I'll download it off my cousin soon. The girls put on a great show, dancing and singing along on a microphone. We held it in the big living room downstairs. My parents' (I didn't see much of them that day, come to think of it, I didn't see dad at all) didn't come home til about 10+ but by then I was already drowsy. Apparently, I missed out on some fun because I went to bed at 10.

Oohh. I ran into Kim yesterday, might be playing basketball with him and the guys soon. That should be fun, I haven't played ball since school ended :S and yeah, I've probably gained weight. I should seriously cut back on the hard rolls and butter.. but ergh, they're so yummy :(

On Saturday, we had some relatives from KL come over to my place. I have a new Kaka called kaka Sa'adah, but they call her Nonie :D She's twenty and she's pretty. Ayu berabis. She's in Uni now, I'm going to visit her when I go down to KL again. Hehe :D

On Friday, I went down to Tutong because my grandma was having a doa selamat. We used the old road to go because my dad's mum made the driver drive that way. Haha, Mum and dad just decided to follow them. It was a nice change of scenery though (and I did look around at the big houses being built there, and then some) compared to the highway which is just an endless road leading to.. who knows where.

I was talking with the girls and Yazid about some books. I really want to get The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. It's $15.80. I've got his other book, Tuesdays with Morrie and haven't had a chance to read it yet, but I will soon. I lent Aimi the book by Cecelia Ahern, P.S. I love you. It's a nice book to read, if you want to see how true love really last. It's so frigging sweet. lol, I wonder where guys learn their manners on how to treat girls xP nah, kidding. Hehe some guys can be sweet .. others, are a problem. I found the Da Vinci Code at Best Eastern the other day, I heard that the book is quite good too. lol. I have so many books I'd like to add to my library. I'm only lacking the funds right now. NYAH. But good things come to those who wait. Has anyone ever ordered from Amazon.com in Brunei? How reliable is it because I have an urge to buy books. Hehe :)

I went out with John on Thursday to watch Ocean's twelve at Empire. Ran into Titz and Afizah there :) that was the second time I saw the movie, and this time I actually concerntrated and I think I understood the story line (but I still haven't seen Oceans 11) because John gave me asked me to summarize the story yesterday when we were chilling at West Street. haha.

I watched Oceans Twelve on Tuesday (I think) as well, with aQilah and Aimi's family. Hehe that was a lot of fun. We were originally going to watch Bride abd Prejudice. Qi and I voted against it, and threathened to walk out if the movie got too corny. Haha. Luckily for us, they had technical difficulties and everyone was hungry so we walked out and got a refund to watch Oceans Twelve instead.

Hm. If I had BN$500.. I think I'd buy a couple of tops I saw down in Gadong, and probably buy myself $100 worth of credit so I don't have to recharge anymore. That would probably put about $250 down the drain, and then I'd put the rest of the $250 in a bank account (if I had one :S).

oh well.

hello lack of funds.

hello bed

love,
yasmin.

Fearless..

I went surfing like I always do at midnight during school holidays. I found a couple of things that are annoying me (and probably annoy other people who read the same books as I do).

Haha.

Especially Mallie, check this out.

Apparently, after the #37 book.. Gaia will be gone until Summer 2005. It's a pretty long wait, and I should hope that it'll be worth it since the book pretty much lost its flair when Gaia gains her 'fear' officially in the 31st book; Normal. Bleh.

Here's another article of interest.

Who the hell is the unexpected person? Ah. This is driving me mad.

Finish the series already. I've been waiting for two months.

After that I have to wait another six months? God help me.

Forums? yup. found some.

I realized that two more super editions are coming out: the Silent Hand and the Screaming Heart. What's that about? They're not published yet though.

And the new Gaia model DOES suck. I liked the old one, she was prettier. The new one looks like she's hiding something. The old one looked the part. The new covers suck, since when does Gaia wear hoop earrings? Does she even have ear pierced? WHYYY IS SHE ON THE PHONE? #33. Take a look. And the whole preppy denim look? #29. Okay, I'll stop complaining now. haha.

Rachael Leigh Cook? Right.

Thank god the show got cancelled.

love,
yasmin.
xx

Don't worry I'll catch you.

Habits are so hard to break. Though they're so frigging easy to start. Eating bread rolls in the morning everyday has become a habit. I think I must have gained weight or at least a bit of excess fat in my body. ha! I have a headache right now, but my head is drawing to a blank -_o.

I woke up at 6:30A, with full intentions to go cycling with Yazie. It's 11:36A now, I think he's still at home, asleep, because he never responded to my miss call this morning. Yesterday was a lot of fun, I came home pretty exhausted even though I parked my bum in front of the PC from 4:30P until 11:15P. I think I'm suppose to do something with the site today, but I can't seem to remember what. I've been chatting with John all morning since 7:00A, he was up because he's nutty. He's gone now, probably cleaning his room.

I'm going out later to beauty arsenal. I don't know what I'm going to do until then though, I'm probably just going to bum around the house until 1:00P and then take a shower. I really wanted to go cycling this morning.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	delicious
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	one of a kind
Quiz created with MemeGen!

My left arm is sore from playing badminton. I want to practice shots using my right hand. Ha. I can't shoot with my right because I'm left handed. I think I left my CD in Yazie's car. I want a basketball ball because I lost mine over the summer break =(

Christmas is coming soon. I wonder how many of my friend's celebrate it, but I don't (although that doesn't mean I don't receive presents cough). I'm looking forward to new years though, because I'm going out with a friend of mine who says that I won't be sleeping at midnight as I always do over the past three years. Hrr. I always manage to fall asleep just under an hour to midnight on new years eve. Ha. Maybe it'll be different this year. A change of fresh air? Hee. <3

In case I didn't mention it the other day (I don't usually reread my posts until a few days later then I'll notice the bad grammar and spelling. hehe), we're on school holiday now. Three weeks. I hate spending December the way I do. I'll be at home or out in Gadong (I'm beginning to despise the place), just relaxing or chilling out with a cold drink in my hand. My exams are less than a month away. I'm feeling a bit anxious. It'll be good when things are done and over with. I think I'll be very happy that half of my A2 exams are completed. Then I'd have less to stress over the rest of the year.

The school's sending another batch of FOBESSIA students next year for netball and athetics. I'm not going though, because I've already gone twice to KL this year (once in March and the recent one was just two weeks ago). I don't think it'll be very responsible of me if I go again. Besides, BN$1000 is a lot of money for a three day trip, that's about RM$2300. I can do a lot of other things with that amount of money, not to mention that the cost of that is twice of the Mount KK trip, plus extra perks. I don't think I'll be doing any trips next year until my exams finish, although Singapore would be a nice change of environment for me to unwind and buy some new reading material. Lemoney Snicket's new books aren't out yet, and I've already finished The Grim Gretto last month. Francine Pascal's Fearless isn't out yet either, and I've been waiting for almost two months now. There are only about three books left in the series, I wonder how the book ends. And if you know, I don't want to find out until I buy the book myself. The Wicca Series seemed to stop again, I finished Night's Child a while ago. Hm.

I think I need to work on my abs again. Ha. I wonder if I'll see Rz anytime this month. The last time I saw him, we hung out at West Street.. and that wasn't much but it did keep me happy until the next day =)

Happy holidays everyone!

love,
yasmin.
xx

Spring cleaning.

I'm cleaning out the old folders in the server and redirecting a lot of things. So if you see any errors on the site, tell me please because I must have accidently delete/moved the file. Haha =) I made a few edits on a couple pages and added more things to the site although I haven't updated their statuses yet. I'll do that soon, I just forgot how to do the codes for pop ups (yes, I forgot.. and I'm too lazy to look), so it'd be really helpful if someone just gave the codes to me. Haha. I made a layout for a friend of mine, I'm not sure if he'll like it though because it's basic and simple.. but yeah, I couldn't think of anything.. and was feeling a bit brain dead.

I had a lot to vent about, and masses of energy released during my workout session in Empire. I played badminton 2v1 (me being the single) against Yazie and Shaz, shot a few hoops (one of the lights in the half court has no cover, and I know the reason why *cough*). I think the basketball ring is too big, in fact, I think it's huge.. but whatever, most of my shots went in. I played 2v1 (me again being the single) bball with Yazie and Shaz. lol. Sweaty? Yes. After that played one on one badminton with Yazie. I lost though, 15-4. bleh =) I learnt new rules about badminton (because I only knew a bit) and I learnt how the scores are counted (yay, I'm so proud of myself!).

Yazid picked me up a little after 8, after one miss call and one freaking loud honk from his car horn. We went to Yayasan for lunch, ate at C.A.M. hehe =)) after that we went exploring down the unknown areas of Gadong and I got freaked out TWICE. I'll talk about it when it's morning.. I'm just a bit freaked out now. In the end, we winded up at the Mall. I almost bought a pirated Sims 2 CD but changed my mind after the guy nicely (jerk) burnt it onto 4 CDs and asked for $20 from me. I'm like, "I'm not paying for that" and he says, "fine". So I didn't buy it.

I want the Sims 2 CD.. blaah~~

wait.

I woke up at 6am this morning, going out with Yazie and Shahyzul soon. We're going down to empire to play badminton and hopefully swim. Who knows, maybe Yazie'll bring a basketball and make my day. =)

Yesterday was the last day of school, and as much as I wasn't looking forward to it (maybe I did a little bit).. it happened. My last school period was spent in the study room with the year 11's, class cutters *cough* and the rest of the people in my study group. One person in particular, i.e. Finah, said the most random thing to me, which caught me off guard and that made her prove her point: "You're so chinese". Whether that was an insult, or some sort of comment, I'm not sure but whatever. I hope no one else felt insulted because I saw Pheng make a face. Haha.

Oh it's almost 8 already. I'll post later.

xx

Moments like this

Life is so.. urgh. I felt really depressed this morning, because nothing seems to be going right.. It's going downhill or the other way =( I don't want it to and it's annoying the hell out of me. It's TUESDAY! Sigh. Three more days until school ends. Three more days until everything won't matter so much anymore. Three more days of school. I'm going to miss Hazie <3, Pheng and George =((

Currently chatting to John S. He's still thinking about where to take his yasbabe ;p Blah. I was chatting with him anyway, he's gone now. I made cookies for tomorrow's math class =)) I did something really silly today. I think I made all the computers in the study centre crash when I pressed enter. There's something wrong with me, every time I touch the computer Pheng's using, it'll freeze.. Or even worse, crash. Sorry wahh.

In case no one noticed, yes, I have disappointed everyone by putting ads at the side..haha but hopefully they won't annoy you too much (I promise no pop ups). I think it's about time I try and earn cash for the site because I have been paying without generating any revenue what-so-ever. The hostees are hosted for free (well, no money involved anyways), although some *coughSTUPIDLOGICcough* 'bribe' me with huge teddy bears that I adore <3. The cam portal is still under development, but it's there if anyone wants to add their cams =) Oh, and please do!

I've been trying to read this article for a week now. It's called The Business of Blogging. I couldn't read it in school because the words blogging and blogger are there.. They are selected as part of the infinite list banned words in the school filter. Funny ey? =) We can't open blogger, livejournal, diaryland, blogspots, etc, because well.. Probably because they won't (and don't usually do) relate to school work. We can access hotmail, though you have to type the OTHER hotmail address and not simply type hotmail.com in the address bar. The (whole) unangelic website however, is a BANNED site for all the students, but not so for the teachers who have complete access to it at any given time of the day in school. Who knows how many teachers might be reading this web site right now *waves a hello*.

I'm working on two new projects right now, currently looking for someone to host a website for me because it seems lame to be hosted under me..hahaha XP for ethical and coolness maintenance reasons of course, but anything else..hehe and I'm working on someone's layout at the moment =) busy busy. Three weeks of holidays doesn't seem very long does it? I've got AS and A2 exams this January, starting on the 12th. I also have a total of 5 papers to sit and one physics practical to endure. It's going to be a good 2005 for me =))

Oh yeah, in case Pheng is reading this.. PHENG IS EVIL hehehe XP but I don't remember why.

17 days until new years.

love,
yasmin.
xx.

Updated: CAM pic.
Added: ADVERTISEMENTS on the side. new HIT counter.

twoooot toot..

I woke up really early this morning, I MADE BROWNIES (!!!!!!) and as I predicted the other day.. I did stay home on Saturday night. I fell asleep at 9pm.. hehehe and was sulky because I didn't get to go down to KB. I did spend the morning with Yazie and Hazie <3. We went swimming at Empire, although the original plan was to play tennis but we decided it was too hot and Yazie purposely left the badminton rackets at home. I forgot to ask him to bring a basketball, so we ended up just swimming laps at the indoor pool. It was fun =))We ran into a bunch of JIS teachers there, including Mr. Horne who's birthday is tomorrow (EXJIS AND JIS STUDENTS, FLOOD HIS EMAILS WITH HAPPY BIRTHDAY WISHES HEHE =DD). He will be turning 40 to the nearest decade..hahaha and he was 30 to the nearest decade last year, so how old does that make him? Can you guess? =)) I always remember. Hehe. He said "Good bye Yasmin and Yasmin" to me and Yazie. hahaha it was funny at the time if you knew the story behind it..hehehehee (y'see, Yazie's last name is Yasmin..hahahaha).

I'm playing Smooth Jazz - Theme from Taxi.

I stayed out until 4pm, went to Gadong with Yazie. We had a late lunch (I did anyway) at Fleur de Lys. Ran into Ade and Eddie when we were walking at the Mall, saw Rinchen but didn't say hi (geez, I'm so evil). I saw Rachael too, and I poked her =)) the people with her must've thought I'm weird.. oh welsh.

I couldn't sleep when I got home, but I was really tired because I slept at midnight the night before. Woke up at 8am, or something like that.. chances are I probably woke up earlier. My airconditioning was making funny sounds, like chug chug chug *imitates a train tooting*.

I'm missing someone =(

I was webcamming with John S. (tra la la la la~ YOU OWE ME ROSES =DDD) before Qiqi picked me up around 1pm. We went to Aimi's house and dragged her out of the house despite her protests. Heh, "Okay, tell me your plans and I'll say no". Silly bum. We went to Gadong. In the begining we had no idea where we were headed when we walked out Aimi's door..hehehe but someone wanted to use Qi's driver so we had to make a decision. Ended up eating at the Mall and making appointments at The Spa Zone. haha. After that we just gaze around the lame-ass mall, and winded up at Centerpoint.. and ate again at Fratini's because I was hungry o=) yes, my appetite is coming back..hehehe isn't that nice? I have a huge craving for dim sum though. Can someone take me this weekend please? =)))

Qi and Aimi left around 5 because uh, they had to? lol. whatever lah~ I ran into Yazie's brother, Najib.. borrowed like 30cents off his credit since I'm OUT of credits. I have like, 1 cent remaining? and my line doesn't expire til March 2005. Haha. So screw it. I'm not recharging for a loonnng time~.

Reza texted me when I was waiting for my parents to pick me up. I met up with him at the Mall. So I decided to stay a bit longer. =)) We hung out at west Street where Syai was working. Hehe. Saw Hafiz and Ili there toooo =))) It's been a good day..haha

I saw Finah and Farid at Supasave. Hehehehehe *waves*

Okay, it's late. I still have my accounting homework to do. 5 days of school left! YAY!

luv,
yarz.
xx

updated: the YASMIN page.
Added: new LINKS page. new things in the YASMIN page.

Fiction faceless.

Well the new layout is finally up. It's version 2 of /FALL, published with Avril Lavigne's Fall to Pieces in mind. Not my favourite colour, but it'll do. I refuse to say that the colour is pink, so let's stick with red and plum. I have called a number of people up today, not only to just get my facts straight.. but only to feel rejected and also feel like I've been slapped in the face. The things that have been happening for the past few days have been hurtful, disrespectful and dishonourable (edit: nah, happy now? :P). Despite the fact that there are moments when I have no idea to what people are referring to when they talk, because I don't think they really know as they're not the ones who feel others nor do they live in my shoes.

I wanted to call up the first person that occured in my mind, but realized that she would have no idea what I'm talking about. So screw that thought, and then I tried calling another person who I always turn to when I'm upset. Oh guess what? He's watching a movie. Sigh. It's okay, and you still don't know. Thank god for Yazie.. because he's always there.. although sometimes I forget that. I'm sorry when I do, it's not because I mean to. Hugs. Thank you for helping me pull through. I'm just so sick of everything right now, and even though school is ending next week.. I really don't want it to. It makes me sad when I think about it, because it will mean the end (and the actually graduation) of the 13J03's. That means, no more pestering George in study or break time, no more arguing with Pheng during break and lunch on why I should finish my meals, no more screaming out "HAZIE!!" to Hazie when she comes around.. It'll also mean no more bullying Atif =(( dude, that is so going to suck.

Another sad part? The UQJ04's are gone too =(( THEY ACTUALLY GRADUATED ALREADY. *sniff* No more Darryll, Athirah, Adibah, Alex, Brit. No more Athirah offering Yan Yan's at break.. no more annoying Adibah at whatever given time..hehehe :P But its okay, the UQA04's are still in JIS and they graduate the same time I do. bwahhaha =D

I was planning on going down to KB this weekend, but I'm still reconsidering it. I have two parties to go to this weekend, haha. Knowing me, I'm probably going to be indecisive and end up staying home, reading a book. Oh well, we'll see. I feel like playing basketball right now, though it's already in the middle of the night and my basketball ball is missing (it got stolen in MD..). I don't know why.. haha I've been playing a lot lately, especially this week. Basketball seems to be on my agenda every single day. That doesn't really matter though because I'm totally loving the sport. =)

I had my business mocks, once every week for the past two weeks. I got a nice B for my first paper and a comfy A in the second (even though my other teacher decided to mark me harshly and cut off like 3 marks..). It's funny though, because in the first paper I left out a whole question. I walked in late into the exam. Haha. =) The second mock was even sillier, I didn't understand a whole question. That killed about 15 marks or something. lol but it's all good~

I had my math mock, twice during this fortnight. One last week (on Tuesday) and one today. The one on Tuesday was scary though I still got a B on it. damn nice. Haha. But it was still silly because I felt like I didn't understand it. When I called Aimi up to ask about my paper, I asked her if our teacher had marked the right paper. Hahahahaha that's how unconfident I was. I think I did pretty badly in today's mock though. I am so screwed.

My tutor receieved an e-mail this morning, apparently my study teacher thinks I've been ditching my study periods. It's funny because I always show up to study period, and I never miss it. I was insulted when he e-mailed my tutor and said I've been ditching my study periods. baie kali. So I e-mailed him. I hope to god I didn't sound rude. but yeah, bari sasak.

Hakim lent me his white Nike bracelet. Haha. He wanted it back, and I was whiney. "Aku punya wah. baie kali". hehehehehe. awu wah, I'll give it back soon okays? =)

I called Yazid and Adeline today. hehe "I'm bored. SAVE ME". Unfortunately, one was still in Seria and the other was on the way to Gadong. Oh yes, I think I'll stay home this weekend and just sleep. god knows I need it.

I feel sulky.. and I miss looking at someone. who the hell invented crushes anyway. that boy in school. haiz.

luv luv,
yarz.
xxx

ellos.

Ellos =)) We got back form KL on Sunday evening, it was an exhausting trip because after every event (i.e. on the way back to the hotel).. everyone in the bus fell asleep. Except on Saturday night when we went to party at the Renaissance hotel. It was a lot of fun because everyone in the bus was just talking talking.. and we had two under 13 girls from the basketball team who joined in our bus ride back to the hotel. Ling ling who's got the bling bling that goes ching ching. I hung out with Pheng and the guys most of the time, other than that I'd be with Adeline and Michelle. But most of the time, I went around with Pheng.

Met a few ex-JIS students, like Sam and uh.. okay, make that just one because I don't recall seeing anyone else. We saw some people from the Basketball Tourney back in March.. oOhhh, the Regent Twins from Thailand! =)) They're nice people. We came second in our division, which sucked because the finals was the only game we lost that day. Blehs. But better than nothing right. We've got silver medals and everything =))

Though the trip was a bit weird without Aimi with me.. all in all, I had fun. I had Maria as a roommate, which wasn't as torturing as everyone told me it would be.. though I did have a hard time waking her up in the morning, despite the early wake up calls by our teachers and Ms. Webb jumping on her bed to wake her up..hehehe

Okay. I'll add more to this soon.

laters,
yarz.
xx

vainess strucked..

Haha. Yes, I'm getting vain-er.. yes, I'm cheering up.. yes, I'm going to do so much better than you ever think I will.

xx

ps. My LJ is up. :)

Call me out..

I messed up the layout the other day. Sorry~ and since my PC got reformatted, I can't be bothered to try and get the codes back. So here's an emergency layout from Blogger =)

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down as I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes you forget where the heart is

whoah, I can't believe it's 730pm already. I just got home less than an hour ago from school. The guys had a basketball match against ISB. hehe Leo helped me with the time/score keeping :) But before that, Pheng, Bong, Michelle W. and I went to Aimi's house for Raya. Hehe. Ate, a lot. kanyang lah XP

Haha. Yes, I'm so bored. I've run out of funds.. internally. My lack of internal sources of finance (hahaha hello business students) means lack of buying things, lack of everything ..haha lunch included :S I think I better start saving money. Leaving for KL soon, in exactly a week from tomorrow. I don't know why, but it seems like I've lost my excitement for it (not that I was that enthusiastic about it the last time). I love basketball, there's no doubt about that. It's become my number one favourite sport.. Bowling has gone down a rank because I don't bowl anymore =( It's sad to see such a nice sport along with talent (hehe XP) go down the drain~

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening now
Can't you see something's missing?
You forget where the heart is

I volunteered to tutor Leo in accounting (duno eh..haha), but promised Alisa the same thing ages ago..hahaha but she hasn't asked me anything..so I'll wait til she does. I'm gona watch shutter with Yazidy and Hazie this weekend =) I was going to go down to KB to celebrate Chris's 17th birthday, but I have no transport.. Sorry darling =( I can't go. I wish I could though.

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you love me you'd say it's okay

I got off the phone with Yazid A. a while ago, being the bitch that he is (HAHAHA sorry wah), insisted I come over with Aimi for Hari Raya. XP School night wah. I have to do homeworrkkkk.. maybe friday aights? :D :D :D :D

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life, what's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

I wish I could have a whole day where I could just sit and recollect my thoughts. Life is like a huge balloon that eventually goes down flat because of the microscopic holes in the plastic.. even when the knot is tied as tight as it can be. I'm tired, exhausted even. Demands from teachers never let up, it's a wonder how we can keep up. I wonder if they really mean it when they say we're not suppose to have a social life.. that's just plain ignorant. I don't know. I think they're just kidding, but it makes you wonder if there's any truth in it. They want you to make an effort in life, make yourself become social? how the hell are we suppose to do that when everything (even the bloody weekend) involves homework. blehhhhh..

Love,
yarz
xxx.

I'll keep asking.

Everyday, I ask myself. When it comes to making decisions, what can I say? I'm crap at them. I'm indecisive and I worry about the consequences that might happen after I make them.

I think of myself as selfish, when I decide upon something that would benefit me.. even if it's something I know that can make me happy. Is that even ethical? Once in a while, I'll tell the world to screw itself because I know I deserve to be happy every now and then (and I will mention this over and over again when I decide upon something that makes me happy). Being depressed doesn't get me anywhere, and being happy would only lead me to getting high expectations and hope.. once again, eventually I would burn down and simply fall.

It sucks when you don't really know what you want in life. I didn't really know what to do tonight, skipping school today wasn't really an option. It just happened. I didn't wake up, I didn't do anything. I would have and should have studied for my Pure Math 3 test tomorrow, along with my capital appraisal test. Bleh. We have another open house tonight at my house. Thanks to everyone who came last night.. =)

I have a new layout coming up, with a lot of help from nizam on the cam portal and some comments from people I'm close to. hehe hopefully it'll be something a lot like my other layouts, but different (that didn't make sense). I made three display images for myself on my msgner.. I have a weird thing for scripes now. It looks so cool. Which reminds me, I have to download my yahoo msgner soon.

I have my little cousin in my room. She looks a lot like me when I was a kid, and that's just scary. Haha. I think my family's worried she might turn in to me one day, HAHA the other side of me, or so my smart-ass cousins say. Whatever that means ;p

I joined LJ the other day, along with DeviantArt just yesterday. Yes, I'm jobless. Sue me. I need to renew uA.org's subscription.. (yes it's that time of year again..). La de dah.

love,
yarz.
xxx

brb.

hey everyone,

sorry for not updating for a while. I've been really busy + happy (weird ah?). I'm still not seeing anyone (thank god for that), exams are over.. puasa is over, and raya is here. I've been extremely (unbelievably) busy. So my sincerest apologies to anyone who comes to the site regularly. Everything should be back up and running before the first week of December before I leave for KL to play in the FOBESSIA games at Alice Smith.

Angel13 busted up about a week ago, and I had a really nice green layout to publish and show everyone. Unfortunately, due to that unforseen circumstance.. angel13 had to be reformatted and every detail, image, MP3 (!!), notes, tutorials I had saved in her have disappeared and I doubt they'll ever reappear again.

So, if you can excuse me. I'm taking a while to just rest and lay back because things are jut so weird right now. I just got back from a school basketball game about an hour or so ago, and I think I better go shower.

I'll be back as soon as possible. Think of me on vacation or something. I will update whenever I can or whenever I feel like venting, but other than that.. don't expect too much.

I'm working on a number of things for uA.org, one of which is that I'm officially unangelic.org/fall now..hehe and we have a new hostee: 8teen. I made a cam portal which I'm still working on, http://www.unangelic.org/portal/, so submit your cams tho the whole site won't be active til end of november/early december. I think i have to download a new cuteftp32 (damnit.., YAZID AZAHARI I NEED YOU. HAHA XP) because of the reformatting I've lost all my bloody codes.. (shit) and yeah, I will be back soon.

love,
yarz.

Happy Birthday Rach =)

This might be about an hour delayed so screw you if you think I'm late. Haha. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RACHAEL YEO who turned 18 about 25 hours ago. Sorry I didn't post any earlier, I came home late.

Hm, I don't really have much disturbing thoughts rotting my brain right now because I am in a feeling of content. I'm happy. Isn't that just weird? Things are falling into place, as anticipated by many. And yes, some things in life are worth waiting for even though you haven't the slightest idea of what they may be. I'm grateful, to have friends who have managed to make me laugh and allow me to get through my day. I have been stressed out for the past month, due to exams and utter exhaustion by my teachers. I can't keep up the pace yet, because of the demands from teachers I'm given.. I'm sorry if I haven't done much of anyone's work (let it be classwork or homework) lately.. but there's only one of me and there's only so much I can do.

Being depressed has always put me into a different perspective compared to others. I see the downside of things when people would much rather see the opposite. I wonder why people begin relationships that they know will eventually fail. I'd say I used to be like that, beginning relationships that I know will eventually fail, though I know neither of us would have wanted it to end the way it did.. but what can I say? Conflicting interest, beliefs and religions always make big impacts and changes in a relationship, even if a special understanding has been created between the couple.. It's always the outside pebbles that are trying to break into the force field that disturb the peace and harmony of those who are happy.

It's true isn't it? Wouldn't you just hate it if you saw someone who's happier than you? Better off than you? It's all petty jealousy. I can admit that I am jealous when I think about the people around me who have found their soul mates or 'love of their lives', because I want that too. But I'm not going to get together with some guy just for the sake of it. I want my next relationship to last.

I will post about Rach's party and what I did tonight later.. but..

It's late. I'm off to bed. Good night.

love,
yarz.

heello =)

Just got back from the hospital. If I haven't told you, then uh, I guess you don't know. Dad's been admitted in there because of a very bad golf swing. Whoopsie. He's going to be staying there for about 4-5 days. Sigh. It's so weird without him around the house.

Anyways, about two hours ago I sat my Mechanics 1 exam of which I can happily say that the exam was very good and thank god I revised and came into school and asked questions about everything I didn't understand. Yes, Yes. F = ma and R - mg = 0 and all that jazz. VERY NICE. =) Yay. Sad thing is that I didn't get to see that guy.. HAHA sheesh. Okay, next time I'm closing my eyes. No more crushing on cute guys in school because boys can be sooo mean some times! Sometimes not worth it (GO YAS!!)

Rz's in in in.. dubai now I think. Haha. I should hope so anyway. He hasn't e-mailed/texted/called or anything.. so I'm not that sure. Someone by the name of Fathu added me on MSN. Who is that? o_O

Okay, okay.. the good news.

1. Rz will be back in Brunei in LESS THAN TWO DAYS.
2. Arvin messaged me on friendster!
3. geek & idiot. such a cute couple. too bad idiot doesn't know about geek. HAHA XP sorry, inside joke. hehe.
4. 2 days til my accounting exam.
5. my mechanics exam was sooooooooo nice. it was 400% better than the paper I sat back in June because this time I could actually ANSWER the questions :D :D :D :D :D *jumps around with joy*

y'know, I haven't done any holiday homework. Heheh. I'm so dead. I have school tomorrow. Sigh. I should be studying.

I think I'm hyper. Hehe.

Good night.

love,
yarz.

and that makes everything better.

Just about 20 minutes til we break fast. yay =) My head is spinning though because I haven't eaten since last night, I'm not starving.. maybe just a little bit drowsy. I do too much thinking, and I think I've been resting too much. My mechanics exam is in less than three days and my accounting exam is in less than five. Uh oh.

I ought to be panicking, considering that the revision I've been doing.. I don't think its enough, though I've been doing 2 papers a day.. haiz. I have started on my mechanics, but i dunno.. seems like I'm putting accounting first. nyeh. thank goodness Monday's a holiday. thank you thank you.

I was going to go out with Ade and Rach, but some problems got into the way and I guess our plans for tonight are cancelled. oh well. Bad luck ain't it girls? Maybe next time.

I wonder what I'm going to do tonight instead. Maybe I'll just cuddle up to my new ty stuffed monkey, digits.. and read a book or something. I don't think I want to go online tonight because I just want to rest. I've been up since 6:30am, and I was really looking forward in going out tonight. Piffle. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Anyhoots, Rz's gonna be back in Brunei on Thursday. I. Absolutely. Cannot. Wait. haha. I think JIS is going to go against SAS on Thursday evening though, hopefully I can make it because my exams are in the afternoon and should finish right before the game starts so I can be scorekeeper..hehe ^^

10 minutes to go til sungkai!!

love,
yarz.
xxx

things i'll never say.

It's almost 5am. lol. I finished eating my 'sahur' about 30minutes ago.. I've been cooking for myself a lot lately, besides that.. I think I've been pigging out too much. Bleh. I think I must've gained weight, no I don't think.. I know I've gained weight. That's. So. Depressing.

It's been five months since you went away
Left without a word and nothing to say
When I was the one who gave you my heart and soul
But it wasn't good enough for you, no
So I asked God

I miss ade and rach. I haven't hung out with them properly for ages. Bleh. I'm trying to but I can never seem to find time and it sucks. I still freak out when they try the whole sony thing XP it's freaky. I try not to freak, but I still do. hehe. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just freak at stuff like that. Sheesh, I'm such a hyprocrite. But a lovable one at that. Haha. Oh well, hopefully after my exams I'll have more time to spend with you two, and I will try not make myself stay home because that seems to be what's happening right now. I've been staying at home, just bumming around.. trying to relax my mind. I'll go out for about an hour or two, spend time with some people that I haven't seen for a bit.. then go home and rest.

God sent me an angel
From the heavens above
Sent me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God sent me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes

Then again, maybe I've done too much relaxing because I actually am learning to enjoy staying at home. I don't hate my house as much as I used to, but yeah.. I like it a bit better now. I'm learning to say no to friends when they ask me to go out, because.. well, I don't want it to take over my life like it once did. There's only one of me, and plenty of other people who want me to go out. sigh. It sucks because some people start to think I don't wanna hang out with them because I'm always with other people.. I hang out some more frequently than others, but it's not intentional. It never is. I never mean to hurt anyone. =( I hate being accused of things like that.

School holidays started on Friday. I spent the weekend in Singapore with my family though I barely saw them during the trip. Haha. A few of my close friends went down to Singapore for their Oxbrige (oxford, cambridge) interviews. I spent the first night there out with Hazie, we had Haagen Daz across the street..hehe yummy =D and got back to the hotel around 11:30pm because well, we were 'tired'. I spent the next morning with Hazie too, we ran into Brandon in the streets of Orchard Road (omg), and actually walked from our hotel to the hotel Aimi and Michelle were staying in at the end of Orchard Road. Man, ngalih lahhh.

And I know it might sound crazy
But after all that I still love you
You wanna come back in my life
But now there is something I have to do
I have to tell the one that I once adored
That they can't have my love no more
Cause my heart can't take no more lies
And my eyes are all out of cries

Anyway, mum and dad bought my sis and I tickets to watch Mama Mia at the Esplanade Stadium. For tickets that cost SG$132, it seriously was worth it. I had a great time even though we had to wait 30 minutes for a cab to actually come. Haha. Aimi and Michelle were waiting for me at the hotel when I got back, they had packages and bags of shopping stuff. My goodness how those girls can shop. Haha. I stayed out with them til late, and Rz texted me around midnight.

He had good news =) He's coming back to Brunei. He's coming home. haha. I was so frigging happy, I felt like dancing on the street. HAHAHA. But then that would appear like I'm crazy or something.. dancing around. Anyways, I slept in the next day, woke up around 9am (yes, that is late to me). Mum bought me a watch from Burberry's. It's so nice =D I can't wait to wear it in school.

God sent me an angel
From the heavens above
Sent me an angel to heal my broken heart
From being in love
'Cause all I do is cry
God sent me an angel
To wipe the tears from my eyes

Shahyzul arrived in Singapore around 1pm. I met up with him an hour later at Borders. We went shopping, he bought about SG$120 worth of CD's. Personally, I think he's nuts for spending that amount of money on CDs.. but then again, we're suppose to be against piracy right.. heh, right.. after that we went to Far East Plaza after a longgg walk from HMV.

I bought.. a lot of t-shirts. Haha. I bought about 4 shirts from Ice Lemon Tee, 5 from I Inc and 2 from Crazy Bones. Haha. Don't worry Ade, Rach.. I did get you something XP I'll pass it to you when I see you.. but you have to be together at the time because I can't decide who gets which colour. Haha. mwah. I bought the Nelly Suit CD. I wanted to get Sweat as well then I started doubting myself because I hate wasting money on CDs. The CD's quite nice actually, very sexy tracks. Haha.

Now you had me on my knees
Begging God please to send you back to me
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep
You made me feel like I could not breathe
Now all I wanted to do was to feel your touch
And give you all my love
But you took my love for granted
Want my lovin' now
But you can't have it
God

Anyway, I left for the airport around 7-ish. My flight was around 10pm back to Brunei. Hrr.. there were a lot of Japanese boys wondering around at the terminal. lol. I looked, but didn't touch XP I went online, hoping to chat with those two girls, but they weren't on. But I did webcam with Rz and Khalid.

Arrived back in Brunei a little after midnight. Miss called all of them, except for Ade who's phone was busy XP I slept in on Monday, with no intentions of going out. I didn't feel like it, nor could I have been stuffed to go. But I went out anyway.. but only for a bit to have dinner with Hafiz, cos he asked so nicely. Aimi and the rest of the Oxbridge people came back on Tuesday. I stopped by her house to pick up the brownies I asked her to buy for me.. hehe I think I stayed there for about half an hour or something. We just hung out in her room and talked about her stay in Singapore.. and some other things.

I realize that I'm not getting any younger (lol), and I am learning not to let people take me for granted. I'm pulling myself back from the things I normally do because I've been too nice, and what's the point in letting them walk all over me? Screw that. I don't want any one walking over me, and I don't want to walk over other people either. I know I've changed dramatically over the past few months, and I know that I haven't been as close to people as I should have and might have been. I may regret some things that's happened, but at the same time I am thankful that it has happened. I have learnt a lot about myself, about how I far I'm able to withstand pain, and how far I've allowed people to drag me about. I know that sometimes I've got friends who think I'm not there for them.. I try to be. and I figured that they would know that.

I've been neglecting my phone a lot. Haha. I haven't been using it as much, and yeah I think I can live without a phone. I keep it in my room now and I don't bother with it when I'm at home. I remember I used to take it everywhere I go with me, and now I realize that it isn't as important anymore.. because I don't have much to do with it anyway besides play the games or delete whatever messages I've received throughout the day. I still get miss calls from unknown numbers which scares me because I don't know who these people are or what their intentions are for calling me up =( It's just scary.

Haha. I remember the other day when I was on the plane, one of the air stewards asked for my number. lol. All I did was smile, and that was all they got from me XP It's so early in the morning right now. I wonder if anyone's awake yet.

I was hoping Rz would come online just now..haha guess he's not. Oh well. It's almost 6am now. I think I better be going back to bed.

love,
yarz.
xx

28102004

I woke up this morning, and I thought it was Wednesday. My phone says it's Friday and everyone's telling me it's Thursday. Hurrhh??!

anyone game to join me in horror-thon? says:
i'm trying to learn hwo to be cocky and funny now
¹9 * kissing a smoker is like kissing an ASHTRAYYYY EWW says:
WHY?
anyone game to join me in horror-thon? says:
to get girls, to flirt with girls, to make them like me? haha i figured its no use being nice.. i'll just be used
¹9 * kissing a smoker is like kissing an ASHTRAYYYY EWW says:
aww
anyone game to join me in horror-thon? says:
and its for wussies anyways, so ya...i gotta change if i want results

nyah. you see what happens to the good guys who don't get the girls they want? :( they think of change. blah. I don't understand why guys think girls would only want them if they changed. you know, I think if you don't get something that you want, it's because there's a reason behind it.. and it might be because there's something better in store for you. What's the point in wanting something you know you can't have anyway. There are, and will always be something better coming your way.. you just have got to have the patience to wait for it.

happy birthday XP

hAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY AZEE! MWAH.

haha in case you can't read that.. the first one says "I *heart* Azee27 *mwah* love, yarz@unangelic" and the second one says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO AZEE/ALEXA. Happy birthday. Love ya! mwahs. love, yarzx.."i hope you have a great birthday darling..heehee since i'm not there to enjoy it with you, HAVE FUN. EAT AS MUCH SUSHI AS POSSIBLE..hahaha and AND and eat as much tempuras..hehehe cz you know you love 'em!! HAHAHA mwah. we'll go out one day.. maybe..hehehehe hugs. have a great day sweetie. enjoy being 15..hehehe it comes once in a life time anyway. HAHA for a whole yeaarrrrrrrrrrr.. Enjoy life!! mwah.xoxoxoxoxox

love,

your angel in disguise ;D

yarz.

Thanks. =)

You know the feeling when you're actually very stressed and things just feel like rocks are being tied down on your skin and its like, dragging you down. It's like if you jumped into a lake, you'd sink straight away without an after thought? Yesterday, and over the weekend I feel like a huge amount of worries, stress, problems have been lifted off my shoulders and thoughts. I feel like I can just jump, and I'll jump as high as I want to.

Love hurts, it's like a million stabs if things don't go your way. Well you know what? Screw it. Haha. I think I'll be fine the way I am, and I'm relieved in a number of delirious ways. My exams are coming up, and a large amount of my troubles have been lifted off my shoulders. It's been allowing me to move on with my life because it's not often you get hit by an epiphany.

I finally realized (after three years of constant nagging from my friends and after three years of finally building up the courage to deal with my life) that things are better when you learn to clear the air and not pretend like nothing's wrong. From now on, I think I'll settle my problems that way. I'll be blunt and upfront, and maybe sometimes a bit more sensitive than I sound..haha

I broke down this morning in my math class, my teacher took me outside to help me calm down. I felt like a nervous wreck, but I'm okay now. I've got a few teachers that expressed their concerns for me this afternoon, its nice to know that people care. xx. I guess my stress levels and all my work load and worries finally caught up with me. I'm gonna have to learn to relax this weekend, as I did last weekend.

Thank god it's the final week before midterm break. Then I'd have to sit my mechanics 1 exam on the 2nd of November, and my accounting exams on the 3rd. :) and you know what's weird? I can hardly wait.

love,
yarz

annoyance.

I'm annoyed. I have been annoyed for the past few hours. It's becoming so annoying that it's not funny anymore. I ought to be calming down, but prior to my annoyance, two hours work just disappeared without a trace down the drain because my computer decided to switch off *POOF* just like that. AAAHHH.. I'm so annoyed.

But I'll keep pleasant thoughts at bay because I'm worried I might hurt someone with the thoughts I'm having right now. I'm relieved, and most of all content. I did something I can be very proud of on Saturday night, and straight after, i e-mailed my close/best friends and told them what I've decided upon. It just shows who your real friends are, and those who actually care about you. and hey, it also showed me who didn't give a rats ass. So I should just exclude those people from my next inspirational outburst because, what the hey, you don't care. Thanks to those who messaged me online, or e-mailed me back. It meant a lot.
p.s. randy, i tried to email you but your inbox was full. hugs.

Life goes on doesn't it? So do people. I finally confronted my fears, and I'm finally really wanting to let go. I realized a lot of things that night, and I know he did too. I'll bet this is going to be the best decision I've ever made in my life. I know that he's thankful that I finally confronted him and told him how I felt. Letting go is never easy, I think we all know that. Though, I'd like to think that this time I mean it. I meant every word I sent in my email.. and some were meant to indirectly offend people or at least brush towards the problem I've been having with some of them. I'm just hoping they wouldn't take the offence too seriously. But I think now, my best friends are all on the same level of knowing me because all of them received the same email.. and that way everyone has one clear perception of me. It's like they've all restarted back to level one. Now, I can learn which ones actually want to care about me, which ones are avoiding me, which ones are pretending to care.. sigh. waddaya know? You can learn so much in just two days. It hurts, and I know you read the site. And I think you ought to know. Maybe you'll realize something. Maybe you won't take me for granted so much.

I'm not as weak as people think. Although I always look like I'm going to burst out crying at any moment, I can be stronger. I'm human, so it's natural for me to be emotional. My life as Yasmin, is surreal. It isn’t some ‘normal’ every day girl life, I’ve too much drama going oon. It sucks. Sometimes I'm falling apart, I'm thankful I've got people in my life who pull me back together. I'm just learning so much right now that I don't know if I can take it in anymore.

It hurts to know that people can be so harsh in deciding. I just hope my judgment against certain friends are wrong. I'm hoping to be proved wrong, I'm hoping that they'll show me that they do care, soon.. if not ever. There were massive amounts of, "I'm sorry" and "I'm glad for you" that night, haha. I feel like a huge ton of doubts and misunderstandings have been lifted off my shoulders.

I feel like falling in love. Haha.

I feel like being happy.

love,
yarz.

Misunderstandings.

I gaze in amazement at how people that are able to pretend to be able to carry on with their lives, through fake smiles when everyone actually knows how much they’re suffering. It’s sick and despicable. Moreover, I’m ashamed to say that I might be one of them. Sigh. Things in life come one step at a time, I’ve a friend who believes very strongly in karma. It’s his claim to say that when he lost his girlfriend, he gained his car.

Now, he doesn’t want a girlfriend in fear of unbalancing his life, because he might end up losing his car or something as horrible as that. Like I was saying, things in life come one step at a time. If you’d like to achieve something, it’ll take little steps to get there. It doesn’t matter how widely you stride towards it, how many baby steps it took or even, the amount of time it might have taken to crawl towards it, things come into your life one by one. Even though sometimes it feels like you’re at a bottom of a cliff and everyone is throwing down huge boulders towards you and heck, you have no where to hide and just start counting your last moments.. you’ll begin to realize that some problems might actually be blessings in disguise.

Sometimes I’m quite bitter about not being able to be in the student council. I realize now, that God had something better stored in for me. It made me realize that it is actually a good thing that I’m not in the council because it gave me more time to spend studying and it gave me time to have lunch with friends I want to be with.

My best friend’s the head girl, that’s one position I would have wanted, I envy her. There is no doubt that I don’t because it is a very highly ranked leadership position. Though, I notice she’s been very tired lately, and she rarely has times to have lunch with me during the afternoons because of her student council meetings. I guess that’s one of the downfalls of me not being in the council, the fact that I don’t get to be there for her when she needs me when people tend (and they do) get out of hand during their briefings and meetings as such.

Being the observer, I can just simply say most of them are just talk and not much action. They feed in ideas, sure, what’s a council without fresh ideas? Though none of them really want to do whatever it is they inputted, they simply feed it in and hope that someone is eager enough to play patsy and do that tedious task for them. I’m not lashing out at my council, I just thought I’d give them something to think about. I know that if I were in the council, I’d be too committed, and that’s why I said that God had something better planned for me. That’s one reason why it’s a good thing I didn’t get in.

Things in life are weird. It's all about acceptance I suppose. Everything's written up in the books of fate and destiny. I guess this is one point in life where you learn things in life isn't just about the covers, you gotta know more about the inside and the fine prints too.

I want the Avril Lavigne album.

Falling in and out of love quickly isn't one of the things I'm very proud of. But when it happens, it does make a person happy. I'm a sucker for happiness, even if I'm able to feel it for only one second. But then I'd realize I'm living a lie. If I feel happy, not that I don't want to, something doesn't feel right. I'm still missing something in my life. As much as I want to let go of my 'back-then' and burn my massive list of 'what-if' and 'could-have-been's, I don't know how to. After all, whatever pain that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Upfront confrontation isn't really me. I guess sooner or later I'm going to have to do this so that I can set my life straight and actually allow myself to care for and be cared for by someone who deserves me, and someone I deserve. I shouldn't ponder and question things in my life too often because that's when my walls begin to crumble and fall.. and that's when my relationships suffer along with it. I guess I still have a lot to work on.

love,
yarz.

and that's me.

I wanted to make a layout tonight, but I guess that's going to have to wait until my exams pass. Oh well o=) Tomorrow's the first day of Ramadan, meaning its fasting month. I promised myself that I'd get around to completing my work this weekend, and that's going to include:

1. typing up my personal statement.
2. trying to pick out my final university choices. I've got 5 so far.
3. doing at least 2 mechanics1 past year papers
4. re-doing the accounting test I sat last week
5. re-reading my AS accounting topics.

All that and then, I'll just pray to God that my luck during the exams will surface. I hate multiple choice papers.. grr..

me, two weeks agoand me, today

I broke my phone housing (or casing, which ever you prefer).. so I bought one of those cheap imitation covers just in case I'm going to end up breaking this one as well. It's green. Lime green to be exact.. haha and it's so nice.

I've been wanting to get the cover for a while, and with my phone housing being *accidently* broken.. da de dum.. what other perfect reason can you come up with to buy a new housing for Sam the first. hehe :)

My friends think I'm spoilt. lol. They think I'm a spoilt little rich kid who gets whatever she wants XP I'm not okay? haha. There are plenty of people who are worse than me, and I don't usually ask for much things anyway.. and when I do, hoo boy.. lol.

I have new bed sheet covers for my bed. haha I've been sleeping in comfort for the past 5 days ;D and about an hour ago, a new materess was delivered to my room. migod, I'm so happy.

I got my hair done today, went to D'Bliss because the guy that does my hair moved there.. haha he's hilarious.

Sometimes, it's like I miss my blonde highlights.. but I think I'm better off being a brunette because I look more conservative rather than the whole blonde/orange hair thing where people would picture me as wild..haha and my old hair colour made me look too pale for people's liking (tho I seemed to like my skin tone better then rather than now).

I look darker, hehe but it's funny because when I came to school the day after I dyed it brown.. George and Pheng Seng told me to get a tan XP

Oh, we had football funday in school over the weekend (like 5 days ago..haha). I played in the same team with Aimi, Liliana, Ceri, Dil and etc. We came in third place over all, which was quite good anyway, although there were only 7 teams playing in the over 15 division.

I was webcamming with Shaherol and Rz, who are both out of the country..haha one's on Scotland and the other, of course, is in Pakistan. I'm feeling sleepy and I don't feel like posting.

luv,

yarz.

jump XP

migod. I miss my old school mates. It's been the attack of ex-classmates for the past few weeks. I've been having a killer week (or month, which ever comes first). I'm cheering up, and I feel less helpless because I have been pulling myself back up.

Today was swimming gala, what happened?

1. We won the tyre race (GO GREEN!!!)
2. I swam the 50m freestyle and fainted in the end :S
3. I'm fine =)
4. I swam in the 25m freestyle relay about an hour later.
5. Both Senior Male and Female (my group!!) green won first place in the 25m freestyle relay.
6. I got to play with the plastic trash drums made by Mr. Edwards and the 13Green gang.
7. I am in love with an idiot *inside joke. sorry XP*
8. Oh I have a new swim suit.

dumdedum. I had lunch with Ade and Eddie after school, I haven't hung out with them properly for eonks. So it was nice to actually spend time with them and not just pass them by like I always do. I've been really busy lately, and to be really frank, I'm totally exhausted from head to toe. I haven't been getting much rest because my schedule's been pretty hectic and none of the teachers seem to take notice on how tired I am because they keep piling up the workload =( and trust me, I'm not happy.

My AS Accounting re-sits is in less than 3 weeks. I'll be sitting for it on the 3rd of November along with my Mechanics Math test which is on the 2nd of November. Let's just have our fingers crossed and hope I get A in both my structured and multiple choice accounting and also at leaaasstt a frigging B for my mechanics so I don't have to worry so much in getting an A grade for my A levels.

We've started with our UCAS applications already, whee.. I'm still yet to finish my personal statement, I'll get that done and over with BY THIS WEEK. I still have to fill up my grade things and etc on the form.

I think the school has too much going on in such little time. No wonder most seniors tend to crack :S we're already mentally tired, now they're tring to get us to be physically tired. NYAAAHH.

I miss Rz. XP babe, If you read this..sorry I didn't come online after 30mins, I had to finish my homework. I'll be studying for the next few weeks, so wish me luck in my exams. I love you, please take care over there aights? mwah. xox.

Okay, I'm out.

love,

yarz.

Did you know?

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me

The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself , if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold..

"One day, we will change the world... or we are already changing it" THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", "take good care of yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

--

I never did know. Sigh.

My turn:

Did you know when I needed you the most was the times when I closed up to you?

Did you know that things are so painful for me right now that I just can't bring myself to face the world in its reality?

Did you know that you brought me down with words that are so harsh?

Did you know that I'm feeling lonely?

Did you know that I'm feeling scarred because of the number of friendships that I've had that have failed?

Did you know that I don't really have anyone I confide everything to?

Did you know that I'm suicidal?

Did you know that my friends know how suicidal I am, and yet do not want to do anything about it?

Did you know I was up to a point of wanting to just waste my life away?

Did you know I've regretted so many things in life?

Did you know I've never regretted having you in my life?

Did you know that at one point in my life, you were the most important person in my life, even if it were for just one second?

Did you know that I've been hurting every day?

Did you know that I've had a lot on my mind?

Did you know that I've been missing you every day and night?

Did you know that I still love you?

Did you know that if it seems like I'm pushing you away, you need to come up to be and keep pulling yourself close?

Did you know that I'm up to a point of just breaking down just as I always have the past few days?

Did you know that I really need you?

Did you know that I need help?

Did you know..?

On a reality check, how much of me now do you actually know compared to the 'back-then' days? How well enough do you know me to consider yourself someone who is making (not made) a difference in my life? How can you tell?

ip op. \o/ \m/ \o/

I got back from the school social about an hour ago and I'm extremely over-the-top tired. I wore this brown dress-like top over my usual jeans, it looked simple and yet, still hip-hoppy-ish since the night's theme was hip hop..hee :) I'm in a good mood tonight, and I'm begining to question why. Haha.

I had a great time though, dancing with Bong-hae, Pheng, Eng Hock and a whole bunch of other girls (which of course, included Aimi). But what I did tonight isn't important. I'm starting to question things in my life again, whether or not I deserve any type of bullshit people give me, or if I deserve better treatment. I believe that if someone respects you, you ought to respect them back. Unfortunately for me, today's encounters had neglected that belief. These actions and behavior only made be begin to believe in the worse of people's efforts. The boastful types don't give a shit about how people feel, it's always been "yea whatever.. your mom yeah?" Trust me, it's not cool to act like a jerk.. no matter how much better you think you are.

Then again, I shouldn't really mind because I guess at times, it's just the person's nature. But yeah, I just thought I'd point that out. I don't know if you'll know that I'm talking about you, but heck.. I think you ought to know. Respect others with the respect you think YOU deserve.

The seniors are playing a mixed basketball match against the staff tomorrow at lunch. Pheng Seng and I picked out the players for the team just the other day. George and I will be managing the rotations and substitutes. I managed to get Clement to 'volenteer' to referee tomorrow's game along with another fellow teacher so that students won't think that the game is too bias. Though I think teachers ALWAYS play rough XP They PUSH hard..haha they're so evil at times. I quote from Mr. W: "On court, they (the students) are the opposition. The enemy". Haha. I guess that's why the think they should slaughter students.

ah well,

good night.

love,

yarz.

ps. rz, I read your site baby. I miss you too :) my credit's like.. less than $2. I do miss your text messages tho, cos they somehow keep me moving throughout the day..and I think you know that. SO MESSAGE ME XP. I'm still struggling with all the problems that I have going down around here.. it's killing me. Its like feeling as if you're about to be diced with a slicer.. cut up into pieces which can't be put together. Sigh. It'll be okay won't it? It will. I'll keep on counting the days till you come back. hehe I miss you. Xox.

Relief..

I was sitting around infront of my computer just now when it struck me that I haven't posted for a couple of days. I began to wonder if it's really worth keeping an online journal for the world to read and see (especially once I realize that teachers do know about my website and they might have an idea of what I'm going through right now and maybe that's why they don't freak about the way I act around school). I remembered today when I went to the girls' toilet and these girls asked me what year I was, and they already knew my name. It's nice to know that people actually know your name, I wish I asked those girls what their names were. Hm, oh well, maybe I'll find out tomorrow =)

Today was assembly day. We celebrated the life of Rachael Lee. I started crying when the band started playing their song and displaying their lyrics on the projector. I tried to stop, but I couldn't help myself. When someone passes on, it makes you think. Wouldn't you agree? When someone passes on, it makes you reflect upon yourself and how things are for you. It makes you question things in your life, whether or not life is the way it should be or maybe there's a slight chance you can fix it to make it the way you think it ought to be. When I realized that a friend had left the world, it made me think. It made me question everything and everyone around me. Why had she done what she did, and why did it have to happen to her. Then I began to think, what if it were me. What if it were me that had passed on. Would she be the one crying in my place? How would my friends react? Or even worse, how would my sister feel?

I'm an emotional person, and at times can be very unstable especially when it comes to very difficult circumstances which can range from a heartache to a very bad grade. I cry, to show my feelings. I do not cry because I seek attention, I cry to express sadness and at times, I cry to express happiness.

I hate questioning my values, and I never like doubting my friends. When someone tries to tell me something bad that my friend has done, I don't want to question it. I never want to think bad things about the people I call my 'friends', I hate that. I'd rather much avoid the situation until it blows over and then act like nothing has happened.

I guess that's why at times I can be seen as very private. I don't like talking about how I feel because I don't think anyone wants to listen. It's always the line, "and I care because..?", heck.. I get that from my own sister. As a matter of fact, I got that this morning. The whole I-do- not-give -a-shit attitude. How am I suppose to react when my own sister doesn't bother with me? I mean, how would my friends act if my own sister is like that? Sigh. It sucks and it hurts. I don't really know who I should talk to about my problems (and trust me, I have plenty). I don't talk to anyone much anymore, not the way I used to. I don't really know how to express myself, and when people ask me if I'm alright.. I know that I'll always say I am. I don't really know. I might be in the outside, but I'm really not in the inside. I don't think I'm as loud as everyone thinks I am, I'm not. Not anymore. It feels like something inside me has died, and I can't seem to rekindle that spark I used to have in my eyes. I can't seem to find that feeling of happiness that I once held. I learnt how much a person can hurt. It's like trying to grasp for air when you're already drowning..

There isn't much of a use in pretending because people can see through me now. I have made myself so transparent that you can read it just by looking at me. I'm trying to appreciate what I have, don't get me wrong. I do appreciate what I have.. but something is missing and I'm suffering because of it.

I'm not looking for love, you know? I'd like to once again believe in it the way I have in the past. Although, when I try to.. it just isn't the same. I look at the people around me, those who actually have loved ones, crushes who crush back.. it's such a happy sight. haha I wonder why I can't be like that. I am jealous. I am truly jealous of those who can find happiness while I ponder upon what I really want and how I'm going to get it. I wonder if I can ever be happy as happy as the way people perceive me as.

I wonder if I should just give up..

love, yarz.

you somehow just make me feel I'm alive..

I remember my best friend telling me that one of my best features would be my eye brows, I don't really know why he said that but he did. Haha I think he said that they show the kind of person I am or something. XP Embarrassing? Surely not. I love my eye brows ;D I wanted to do a number of things yesterday, but I didn't have the time. I haven't gotten dressed yet, and we're going to Lumut in a while. I can't seem to decide which baju kurung to wear. I think I'll probably put on a tudong as well.

¹9 * yarz says:

hehe you know the quote; you never know what goes on behind closed doors

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

time to open the closed doors to find out whats going on..

¹9 * says:

nice thought.

I went out yesterday with my mum to pick up my dad. I wasn't planning to step out of the house, but I didn't want my mum to drive around town alone so I went out with her. There's some sort of local items exhibition thing going on at the mall, they're selling local food products and local crafts, like Upp'r Crust, Ideal, Sabli's and etc. It's nice to see that they're highlighting all the local SMEs, they need to be supported anyway. So if you're down at the Mall, go buy something at the exhibition XP

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

enjoy life. there's plenty of time to be dead

I still have my math, business and accounting homework to do. Sigh what a work load :S and they're all due on Monday. I stayed out with some of my friends last night, I got my parents to drop me off at Aimi's house, aQilah was there already. Aimi's driver dropped us off at Kiulap along with her two younger brothers, Raimi and Jambri. I played Jenga with the two boys, haha it toppled over.. but the whole thing looked funny anyway since everything was being supported on one single block. After that I got challenged for a game of chess, I lost one and won one. After that, I got dropped off in Gadong where I met up with Ali and we waited for Hafiz and Zaza to show up in Coffee Zone. It was Syaima's birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SYAI. :D

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss

tony fernandes:words of inspiration says:

now i know why ppl always say no regrets

aQilah passed me a card last night. I think I cried three times last night, maybe I'm just being over emotional.. but you never really know until you start learning to appreciate the things and people around you. I'm thankful I've got people like her in my life, and I'm still full of regrets for some other cases.. but I'll pull through. I'm not ready to end anything yet.

In case I haven't told these people lately; Rz, Aimi, aQilah, Lina, Ade, Rach, Eng Hock, Hafiz and those close to me (you know who you are.. I chat with you everyday), I love you.. xox

love, yarz.

Everything is just a game.

"Zebras don't change their stripes". I knew that and I still risked it with you. I knew that, I learnt the truth. I saw your flaws, your weaknesses, I've seen you cry. I knew the truth about you, and yet here I am.. and I still love you. Though I know that I can never be in love with you as I once had, but I know that I'm still able to love you. How is that even so possible?

Sigh. Twenty minutes in a single phone call, confrontation and bam! There goes everything I dreamt of, hoped for, out the window. Heh, but that was a few years ago. Now, I don't even know where I stand or what I should be doing with myself. We had a Year 13 assembly yesterday, our head of year quoted something an ex-teacher from school had once said to him. He said to write down our feelings on a piece of paper, include all the swear words.. do all that, and then walk away from it, because tomorrow you'd be feeling different and you'd have a different opinion. Even if it wasn't a radial change in opinion, it was still a slight change in opinion because you'd be seeing things in a new light. I think what he said is true, because I remember (and I'm sure some of you will too) posting about someone, and it felt better to just let things out rather than keeping it in so much. Because, I will admit, that after what happened on that day, I have a change in opinion.

I woke up at 10am this morning, I didn't bother sending my sister to her lessons so I just stayed home and had my usual porridge for breakfast. I'm still at home now, worked on a layout which I had to type up from scratch because this laptop has no frontpage. Nyeh, so I went to the main frontpage website and used the trial version online (but you can't cut and paste, so I had to type everything up word for word..). It was so annoying.

I wanted to watch Rimula last night, but I don't know.. I didn't really feel like seeing people last night, though I did wish I went because I could have spent time with Ade and Rach. I'm not in the mood to go out today either, so here I am.. bumming around at home and I've got about six things on my to-do list. My AS Accounting exam is just around the corner, one more month til November, along with my AS Mechanics paper.. I'm resitting my AS Business paper 1 in January, even though I scored a high B on it. Haha, I think I could have done better because I didn't finish the paper.. I left out one I think. Nyah.

My cousin's getting married tomorrow :) She's going to be the first one of my cousins on my mother's side of the family to get married.. wah.. haha maybe this will be the starting point for all my cousins XP I still have a while to go and I don't really want to think about it until I graduate. Anyways, it means I'll be driving down to Lumut, Belait to watch the ceremony and hang out with my other relatives. dum de dum. Rz texted me about an hour ago from Paki :) I miss you babes.. xox I'll talk to you later tonight okay? I don't want to go out. mwah.

I shouldn't take death so lightly. Sigh. I've got a couple of jerks who are pushing me towards the edge. I wish they'd just leave me alone and stop trying to bring me down. I don't need you. I'll let you believe what you want, I don't need to justify anything to you. I'm already depressed as it is, and you're being such an asshole about it. please leave me alone...

<3,>